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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be too stunned to react?

342 replies

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 23/08/2016 17:32

Long post, sorry. I just don't want to drip feed.

So I was out yesterday with my DD (2 & 1/2) and my DM at IKEA. My DD and I were queueing up for an icecream at the end and DD went on the other side of the barrier to me but just stood there, no intention of running off so I wasn't concerned and I could reach her easily. A little boy (maybe 3) came up to her and with no provocation or reason just shoved my DD. Not hard particularly but she did hit her head on the barrier. Kids will be kids and all but his mother just called after him and he ran off even though she had seen him shove my DD (I know because she had already been calling him before he did it). No apology to me or concern for my DD, just following her little devil treasure. My DM said loudly that it was shocking but I was just too stunned to say anything. The man in the queue behind me said "that boy needs a good slap" but I was too shocked to even respond to him.

My question is, should I have reacted? Said something? My first concern was making sure my DD wasn't hurt (luckily she wasn't). Has this happened to anyone else?

OP posts:
LadyintheRadiator · 23/08/2016 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Leggytadpole · 23/08/2016 18:29

She should have apologised, yes.

Original poster
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 23/08/2016 18:30

Sigh...

Fine. People don't agree that I shouldn't expect to have my child shoved. Ok.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 23/08/2016 18:30

But will you consider it to have happened on account of your parenting? Or will you just think it's one of those things that toddlers do - like you should have today

NickiFury · 23/08/2016 18:30

If my DD did that, I would be firstly shocked mortified and would go straight to apologise to the parent and child.

But she didn't! Christ on a bike get over it.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/08/2016 18:31

I'm going to ask the inevitable question by the way...is DD your first?

NotYoda · 23/08/2016 18:33

Being

Did you read my post about reasons for shoving?

A bit of child psychology/development goes a long way in staying calm whilst parenting

It's not nice to have your child shoved. Not nice at all. And it's obviously not happened before. But your sanctimony about it is a bit unhelpful

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 23/08/2016 18:34

This thread is BRILLIANT! 😂 I love a thread about a PFB who would never hit/shove/bite..... Not yet maybe but never say never!

OP, little kids do this, it's not personal so stop getting so offended about a total non-event!

DD2 is 14 months, and older toddler shoved past her and knocked her over in the park at the weekend- my reaction? Nothing, just got her up and carried on with ouregards afternoon.

If you get this upset over a little shove, God help you when she starts school!

BitOutOfPractice · 23/08/2016 18:34

There seems to be a lot of these type of AIBUs at the moment

OP: AIBU?
MN: Yes, YABU
OP: No I'm not
MN: Yes you are
OP: nobody understands me

I'm blaming the hot weather

BertrandRussell · 23/08/2016 18:36

Of course your dd shouldn't have been shoved. And of course the mum should have said sorry.

But it's an "Are you all right sweetie? That was a bit of a strange thing for that boy to do-never mind, here's your ice cream" sort of incident, not a "too stunned to react" one,

LadyintheRadiator · 23/08/2016 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blondieblondie · 23/08/2016 18:39

Of course she should have apologised.

But, no matter how well we think we know them, or how best we try and raise them, children can be very unpredictable. Many years ago, my son bit another at nursery. Do you think he learned that from me? No. He didn't. Of course, afterwards he was told how naughty that is, etc. But it's not really something you can teach them not to do until after the event, so you can't be sure they never will.

You say your daughter would never do anything like that, but then you say you would never expect anything like that to happen to her unless she provoked another child. So really you expect your daughter to grow up without ever being pushed, nipped, hit, etc. by another child?

WorraLiberty · 23/08/2016 18:39

I want an ice cream now Sad

Original poster
BeingATwatItsABingThing · 23/08/2016 18:40

NotYoda, yes I did read your post. I understand that children develop into adults and don't have the same social skills. I do get that.

I guess I'm just shocked at the number of people who wouldn't make their child apologise or say something themselves.

Yes, DD is my first so maybe I am PFB. Fine.

OP posts:
NickiFury · 23/08/2016 18:42

People are not saying that they wouldn't make their child apologise, at all. They're saying there are reasons why she might not have done and that this minor incident is not a big deal because it isn't.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/08/2016 18:43

Worra do you want a LollyGobbleSHOCKBomb?

I'll get my coat

youarenotkiddingme · 23/08/2016 18:44

I don't think it's unreasonable to expect an apology or to check the child who was pushed was ok.

I also don't get all this "punish in private"

Children should be held accountable for their actions - 3 is old Pugh for that.

And I was that parent with the Tasmanian devil on speed (DS has ASD) who could knock whole queues of people down like skittles and not even notice.

NotYoda · 23/08/2016 18:44

This has got all partisan and there's no need.

Your shock about a lack of apology kind of comes over that the behaviour is so appalling that no one could fail to apologise profusely

Other people are saying a big song and dance apology is not necessary because the behaviour is not as shocking or abnormal as you make out

NotYoda · 23/08/2016 18:44

... and yes, she might not have seen, there might be other reasons she didn't come over

Waltermittythesequel · 23/08/2016 18:44

You're going to turn yourself grey before your dd is 3 if you react so dramatically to a little shove.

What happens if she gets hit? A coma?

WorraLiberty · 23/08/2016 18:45

You know what though?

Your toddler was standing on the same side of the barrier as her Gran, and you had your hand on her shoulder.

Perhaps the mother didn't think it was possible for her toddler to shove yours, in that situation.

Also, toddlers tend to be short people so perhaps she really didn't see him push her.

BitOutOfPractice · 23/08/2016 18:45

OP people are reacting to your reaction to it - your shock and horror and jaw-dropped stunnedness (that's a real word) - not condoning the child or the mother's actions at all. If you are this horrified by this incident you are going to spend a lot of your D's childhood in stunned, indignent silence

LadyintheRadiator · 23/08/2016 18:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorraLiberty · 23/08/2016 18:47

Worra do you want a LollyGobbleSHOCKBomb?

Grin Grin Grin

WhooooAmI24601 · 23/08/2016 18:47

Kids shove and hit and snatch, but how are they ever to learn not to do those things unless their parents/caregivers teach them not to?

Both of mine (10 & 5) have been pushed/shoved and both have been the pushee. I won't pretend mine never do stuff wrong; of course they do. But I would absolutely reprimand a toddler for hitting; they're old enough to understand a firm "no" at any time in any place. You don't save it for later; they won't remember what it was they did. A quick, definite telling off would have been enough. A lot of parents are too embarrassed to do that, though.