to think this wasn't the midwife's business?

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

DP is pregnant and she had the first midwife appointment last week. The midwife was basically very nice, so I do know this is a really small niggle in the scheme of things, but I wondered what people here would think. We were answering all the medical questions, and suddenly the midwife looked at me, looked at DP, smiled, and said 'so, why was it you [her] and not you [me] who got pregnant, then?'

Now, she had our medical records in front of her - I know, because she had asked both of us medical questions and then consulted her screen. My medical records clearly show my history, and I've miscarried multiple times.

I figured from her smile that she was just making small talk, but I let DP answer and she deflected the question.

The thing is, at the moment, everyone constantly asks us why DP is pregnant, not me. And every single person seems to think it's a perfectly acceptable question to ask, including people who I know perfectly well are clued up about miscarriage.

I hate talking about it. I have never wanted to discuss it with anyone, and I am a person who is generally quite ok with the idea of talking through issues.

Is it me, or should she not have asked this?

I am sure she asked purely as small talk, but I was wondering if it'd be OTT for me to find some way of offering feedback and explaining that this question might be hurtful to some women and may not be the unoffensive small talk she thinks it is?

I really do hope you don't kiss your sister the way I kiss my DP!

Congratulations, LRD - another name changer from long ago - how wonderful for you

A bit of an insensitive question from the midwife but as many other posters have said, people will ask all sorts of weird questions. I get the 'are you having the next one?' question all the time, along with 'how did you do it?', 'whose eggs did you use?' ,'who's the father?'

On the one hand, I get that people are curious and the questions are usually asked very innocently but on the other hand, I do sometimes want to snap 'none of your goddamn business!'

I think it all depends on who's asking. I don't mind friends and colleagues asking but it's a bit much when people I've literally just met start asking about how our DD was conceived.

Massive congratulations by the way! The irritating questions are more than compensated for by the mini-human :-)

Thanks hare!

woad - YY, I am thrilled about the mini-human possibilities and it is lovely.

I don't mind the questions about who the bio father is and so on. I quite like them. It's just this one.

Firstly congratulations on the baby. Secondly, my DD had a IVF baby and i as her supportive dad accompanied her to some of the midwife appointments only to be asked if I was dad. Chuckles all round, but I feel where your coming from. You are not being unreasonable, but you are being very sensitive. Let it go and enjoy the pregnancy and the vast change in your life that is to come.

Nothing to add but many congratulations to you both

Congratulations, LRD

We've crossed paths (and possibly horns - my memory is shit) before over the years. I'd let you know under which user names, but refer you to wot I said about my memory

Congrats LRD and partner!

I too suspect she was just asking without engaging the rude filter first. My MWs have sometimes asked bizarre questions, I usually laugh at them - when they realise why they tend to join in.

I'm afraid I take the 'bald honesty' approach - when (so many) people have asked 'when will you be having another?' - 'Whenever my uterus is ready to play ball" was my stock answer.

Lists - that sucks. Tiredness or not.

Perhaps it was just small talk..but I think it's a positive thing gone is the stigma and hoe refreshing it is to hear people are relaxed.

However ppl especially medical staff are not to know why so I wouldn't take it personal just reply I rather not say or it's not for me.

As a lesbian and about to qualify as a midwife this drives me mad! Unfortunately we don't get much choice we have a greater duty to care for the mothers mental health and wider social wellbeing now so we have to ask awkward questions such as is your partner the father, is the father a blood relative etc. The midwife should be making sure these are asked sensitively though and explaining her reasons for asking.

I am mystified as to why she would have your medical records in front of her. Surely that is not common procedure? I have never heard of a pregnant woman's PARTNER'S medical records being required,regardless of whether said partner is male or female.

Oh and forgot to add my wtf moment was being handed condoms on the postnatal ward by a midwife that had met my partner several times and her saying "just in case" that was particularly bad taste.

thumping - I know you mean really nicely, and I did smile at your experience, but, well, it's not quite comparable, is it?

Thanks everyone for congratulations. I am feeling tentatively quite excited now.

computer - oh, my memory is terrible too, but hi!

chat - oh, that's a good answer.

Catching - why do you have to ask about the partner being the father?

Cross posted.

catching, that's not good! Very interesting that you're qualifying as a midwife though. That must be amazing.

orla - we-elll, it is nice but it's also possibly got a context. I couldn't swear to it with the midwife, but some people have been quite up-front about the fact they're asking the question because they expect one of us to be 'the man' and one 'the woman' or 'the dad' and 'the mum' and DP doesn't fit their sense of how feminine you need to be to have a baby. If you see what I mean.

Because it could mean there are bigger social issues in the family, domestic violence, potential for STDs, potential of a generic/ inherited condition. Blood group of the fetus if the mother is rhesus negative. Again potential for fetus to have been conceived via rape and mother may require counselling or support. She may be wanting a termination she may want a prenatal DNA test and so on

You would think that midwives would be compassionate, non-judgemental easy going types

HaHa!

Congratulations OP

Gosh, I had no idea of all that about asking if the partner is the father!

I just assumed it was all medical, even though I do know about the risk of abuse starting during pregnancy. That's a sad thought.

toads - thanks! I will say, she seemed lovely, I was just taken aback.

I imagine that with a hetero couple, there would be times when it's easier to get the non-pregnant person to shuffle out of the room, because theres a need to discuss "womanly things", whereas with a lesbian couple there seems like less of a need to whisper "vajayjay".

Those times would give the HCP and the pregnant woman the chance to raise issues that they'd not feel able to with the other partner present.

You'd be surprised how much social work midwives do now, we are expected to know the dynamics of that family and any issues within it as many problems start during pregnancy or quite soon after delivery and we work closely with that woman for a long time.

Computer- national guidance says women should have at least 2 midwife appointments without their partner present male or female so that domestic violence questions can be asked. We should be asking at the start and towards the end of pregnancy as the answer can change. I do wonder how many women would actually disclose to a midwife when we alienate women so much with our intrusive questioning from the moment they meet us.

Congratulations

I don't know why she would have your medical records open, that seems odd.

MW do ask some odd questions, some of them small talk, some of them designed to check that the expecting mother is not being coerced into a pg that they don't want and that there is no reason to be concerned about DV or other abuse (known to increase during pregnancy and with a newborn).

Put it to one side, and practice your stock answers to questions - IME, anyone who doesn't follow the married, straight couple having bio children together gets asked all sorts of questions, from friends and from strangers...

I didn't know that about midwife appointments without your partner, catching - that's really useful, as I'll be able to mention that to DP so she'll know it's normal.

You're right to take offence but honestly I think most people would be causally curious without stopping to think that it's intrusive. In more traditional partnerships there is no choice so if suddenly science made it possible for my bf to carry our next child I've even asked him how we would then decide who would do it, maybe taking it in turns, or see whose career would take the biggest hit. Our conversations are hypothetical but if we were both female and had had the actual conversation I can understand people being curious about how that plays out and not thinking until afterwards that it over steps the mark.