to think this wasn't the midwife's business?

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

DP is pregnant and she had the first midwife appointment last week. The midwife was basically very nice, so I do know this is a really small niggle in the scheme of things, but I wondered what people here would think. We were answering all the medical questions, and suddenly the midwife looked at me, looked at DP, smiled, and said 'so, why was it you [her] and not you [me] who got pregnant, then?'

Now, she had our medical records in front of her - I know, because she had asked both of us medical questions and then consulted her screen. My medical records clearly show my history, and I've miscarried multiple times.

I figured from her smile that she was just making small talk, but I let DP answer and she deflected the question.

The thing is, at the moment, everyone constantly asks us why DP is pregnant, not me. And every single person seems to think it's a perfectly acceptable question to ask, including people who I know perfectly well are clued up about miscarriage.

I hate talking about it. I have never wanted to discuss it with anyone, and I am a person who is generally quite ok with the idea of talking through issues.

Is it me, or should she not have asked this?

I am sure she asked purely as small talk, but I was wondering if it'd be OTT for me to find some way of offering feedback and explaining that this question might be hurtful to some women and may not be the unoffensive small talk she thinks it is?

We get asked all the time about who is going to have the baby second time and why, it's always assumed that my wife with have a go next time
I have no problem answering all questions and then adding more info for good measure but that's just me, I feel that if you are happy to chat then you can dispel myths and educate people.
Totally understand why you would find being asked hard but the nurse would not have known your history as you are not the patient?

I know they're all under pressure but they do do some monumentally stupid things.

When I was pregnant with DD1 the midwife at my booking in appointment was bank staff and couldn't use the computer programme properly nor could she spell (or had ever heard of) a blood condition I have. She was perfectly happy for me to take over the computer and fill it all in while she sat in my chair. INcluding the DV screening questions! (DH wasn't with me).

When I was pregnant with DD2 (which was actually my fourth pregnancy but second child) I had the misfortune to come across an incredibly insensitive junior doctor who should have been nowhere NEAR patients unsupervised who kept referring to it as my second pregnancy. I corrected her, and then got her to correct my notes, numerous times. I didn't mind so much the first couple but when she kept doing it I wanted to refer her to the MN miscarriage campaign. It was so bad (and by the way, she did end up ordering a completely unnecessary scan and this was the NHS) that the next time I went it I was seen by the consultant who greeted me with, "Nice to see you Ms Middlings, I'm so sorry about the experience you had the last time you were here. I was on holiday at the time and have put steps in place to make sure it doesn't happen again." And this was in an incredibly busy London practice!

I'm all for preserving their feelings, but we have feelings too!

I may or may not have to stop myself from growling whenever I see another member of that team but that's a different story

Oh, and CONGRATULATIONS!

She prob didn't read your medical notes as she wouldn't have read a fathers. I find it bizzare she actually had your notes. She was just making small talk. Parent good is full of people asking inappropriate questions tbh. And no they would have asked a m/f couple for invious reasons, the same way they wouldn't ask a gay couple using a surrogate why they weren't carryinv the baby themselves

It was totally none of her business and I'm
Sure it was horribly awkward for you!
I have a 2 dd with my husband but I have 2 sons from my previous relationship, while in labour my midwife asked who was looking after my children and I said their dad, she looked at me like I had 2 heads and looked round at my husband..she seemed completely shocked at that scenario it frankly bizarre and embarrassing. I think there are just some things that are totally inappropriate to ask people and your midwife did cross the line ..it's none of her concern..her job is to provide care for the person who's pregnant that's all

It wouldn't be said to a male/female couple

No shit Sherlock!

Congratulations OP!

Definitely rude. What's it to her anyway?

Congratulations!

This won't end here. And you will be asked 'so are you having the next one' as if it is just the way it will be. That you'll definitely have another and you'll definitely be the gestation mum.

My stock answer is 'it just made sense at the time'. Because that's the truth and 'we haven't decided yet' for who goes next.

People are genuinely interested. And we do have a choice. Although in your circumstances less of a choice than most. And I wonder if that is why it rankles more to be repeatedly asked when it forces you to remember the miscarriages. But solely supposition on my part. Apologies if not the case. I'm surprised the Midwife had your notes open too. We had combined notes in fertility clinic but once under nhs midwives it was just my wife's notes all the way.

Hfea rules about both in a couple being tested are strange but that's their rules. Nothing to do with private clinics making a fast buck. I suppose hepatitis could theoretically be passed between you at some later date (and I think there has now been a confirmed female to female his transmission but couldn't swear to it).

There are more and more lesbian families around. But we are still a bit of a novelty. We were the first same sex couple the registrar had registered a birth to for instance and she had to get her boss in to confirm.

Ds was unwell with a chest infection and had to go to ooh (again) and whilst we were better prepared and answered 'we are his mothers' when asked who we are, we were then flummoxed to be asked 'whose his natural mum?' By the doctor. 'It makes fuck all difference to his chest infection and we both have parental responsibility so it doesn't matter' should have been our response (perhaps without profanity). But instead we meekly gestured to dw who then got asked all the questions when I had been with him all day/night so knew the answers.

But practice makes perfect. You are going to have a child. And you will love him/her with all your heart. And that is all that matters.

But being the non-gestating. Non genetically linked mum has unique challenges. There are a few of us around on mumsnet. Many far more experienced than me. If anyone knows an online support for us all I would be interested.

We've signed up to the donor conception network for a bit of extra info. And they seem very good.

Again congratulations! Your lives are going to change so much. And yet stay the same in so many ways.

Wasn't any of her business I guess but she's only human. She probably didn't engage her brain and curiousity took over. Doesn't seem rude. Either that or she was trying to get a background - for all she knew you may have previously had a miscarriage.

Sad to see some people midwife bashing on here. They're humans and most are incredibly dedicated to their vocation.

Congrats LRD! Recent NC here

DH and I don't use contraception for complex medical reasons meaning that we basically can't have PIV. We get asked about contraception ALL the bloody time, and actually I don't want to describe DH erectile dysfunction to every trainee I meet, thanks!

I just say, very nicely, 'Why do you ask?'

They go 'We have to ask/ it's on the form/ similar stock answer'

I say, very nicely, 'That's okay. We've got it covered. We'll let you know if we need any advice on that in future.'

Can you do sth similar? 'We made the right decision for us and I'd rather not discuss it unless there is a clinical reason why we need to'.

Gay parents and gay marriage are still relatively unusual (my circle of friends includes maybe 20 couples,of which one is a same sex couple) if naive, clumsy questions are treated with the attitude of 'mind your own business dick face! however great a phrase it is then it's going to all be very awkward isn't it? Surely a breezy 'ooh that's a bold question' or maybe even an honest explanation - she is your partners midwife after all! would be ok? Feel free to shoot me, but I think it was a perfectly reasonable question, there could be many reasons it was asked, other that pure nosiness!!

Stuff which is why asking 'why do you ask?' is IMO a good idea.

Like, with me and the contraception, in a few cases it's been cos they are thinking of prescribing sth which cannot be taken along with certain hormonal contraceptions. In which case I can just say so.

So if there is a good reason then LRD can explain. If not, it makes them think a bit.

Congratulations to you and your partner, LRD. I've seen you on threads over a number of years and liked many of your posts.

jonny I'm in as surprisingly similar (but different!) position, I've had a few gynae problems just recently and when they want to do pregnancy or STI tests on me, it all gets very awkward when I insist that there really is no point

Ok, um ... I'm not actually going to call the nice midwife a dickface. Right? I don't think the poster who suggested it does, either.

I didn't want to give an 'honest explanation' because I'm not a one-woman public information service about miscarriage, and she's a midwife - she knows what it is already.

johnny - thanks! I like your response, that's very dignified.

pardon - yes ... the point was I had! I said so in my OP.

nanu - that's such a useful post, thank you for taking the time to write it! I was also wondering about online support. Someone else had a thread about gay parenting last week (on here) and it does seem there's a lot of us on MN, yet the LGBT parenting section isn't really thriving. Maybe we need to chat more!

Thanks matilda! I like you name.

stuff it's so embarrassing isn't it?! Esp as in my case it's DH issue not mine, and when he is stood right there I don't want to be discussing his medical history with an HCP who is not treating him. He feels fragile enough about it already!

lrd glad you found it useful I came up with it after being asked could I be pg by a consultant who visibly smirked at his colleague when I explained honestly that we didn't have PIV because of DH medical condition. he then asked detailed questions about when DH and I last had sex, did he come inside me or not, did he come on my skin and how close to my foof (!!!!). I tried to be honest and factual but felt so humiliated by the whole experience, I now try to NICELY take back control when asked these types of Qs.

Massive congrats LRD

Have name changed many times but we do "know" (in social media terms!) each other. Best wishes for the pregnancy!

Honestly, it's par for the course.

About a third of HCPs, IME, particularly in maternity care and similar have a permanently overworked and distracted air and do the routine clerical stuff by rote, which often results in daft questions and the like.

If they're using a system that involves accessing the medical records of non-biological parents, the clinic/hospital are asking for battiness and distracted questions, really.

They wake up and focus when anything interesting happens, which is what really matters

Let the weirdness, nosiness and inadvertently insulting stuff go over your head. You're having a baby human, after all!!! It will be worth it

nanu, you sound very similar to us. I gave birth to both our children but my partner does the day-to-day stuff. She is regularly ignored by medics when she is the only one who knows the answers.

Have also found buying kids shoes a particularly odd experience - partner is totally sidelined and assistants must wonder why I keep deferring to her to help with a decision.

How bizarre. I can imagine that could either be funny or wearing, depending on your mood on the day!

I'm guessing this may be fun for us to look forward to, since DP is planning to be home with the baby for at least a little while.

When we first went to the clinic (and you'd think that lesbian mums must be a fair part of their business) the doctor actually made us fill in the forms twice, because the first time round she was so utterly convinced I must be the one who was going to carry the baby that she told us to fill in the wrong sections. The second time she started to tell us we'd filled them in the wrong way around 'again' before realising.

Nice woman, but not on the ball exactly.

Try a bit of sarcastic humour. When you're asked that question again deflect it with a shrug a say you flipped a coin.
Also, not to add to the list of intrusive questions , but WHY did the midwife have your medical history as well? I thought the idea of partners medical history was to get an idea of anything that might be passed to the baby genetically? Pardon my ignorance if that's way off.

I'm a midwife and I have to check my inappropriate social responses even though I have lesbian mum friends. I am improving I think!

I think we all, including midwives, say a lot of banal, unthinking social chitchat around pregnancy. I have had many miscarriages, even friends and colleagues who know this would ask when I would be having a baby! Well it wasn't for want of trying....

When I was a student in the 1980s, I had the privilege to attend a homebirth for a lesbian couple. The qualified midwife was so thoughtful and unobtrusive that the couple barely noticed she was there as their son was born. A lovely memory.

alex - lots of people asked. I just assumed she did, because she was looking at her screen and writing things down when she asked me questions, and because the clinic, who are the people we've been seeing up to this point, always did and have to do blood tests on me as well as her - it's the law, though it is a little odd. I am now slightly wondering if I misunderstood. The only questions she asked me were about those blood tests, and I suppose it might just have been more small talk.

I do still think it's not a question she should have been asking, but if she genuinely didn't have my notes in front of her, it's less bad, obviously.

Dont think it was wrong at all to ask, but thata just my opinion. Its far from absurd for people to think ypu are sisters, or should any two women close together be classed as in a relationship...