to think this wasn't the midwife's business?

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

DP is pregnant and she had the first midwife appointment last week. The midwife was basically very nice, so I do know this is a really small niggle in the scheme of things, but I wondered what people here would think. We were answering all the medical questions, and suddenly the midwife looked at me, looked at DP, smiled, and said 'so, why was it you [her] and not you [me] who got pregnant, then?'

Now, she had our medical records in front of her - I know, because she had asked both of us medical questions and then consulted her screen. My medical records clearly show my history, and I've miscarried multiple times.

I figured from her smile that she was just making small talk, but I let DP answer and she deflected the question.

The thing is, at the moment, everyone constantly asks us why DP is pregnant, not me. And every single person seems to think it's a perfectly acceptable question to ask, including people who I know perfectly well are clued up about miscarriage.

I hate talking about it. I have never wanted to discuss it with anyone, and I am a person who is generally quite ok with the idea of talking through issues.

Is it me, or should she not have asked this?

I am sure she asked purely as small talk, but I was wondering if it'd be OTT for me to find some way of offering feedback and explaining that this question might be hurtful to some women and may not be the unoffensive small talk she thinks it is?

Congratulations, LRD!

I think it was incredibly insensitive of an HCP to ask you that and I think I would want to have a quiet word to say why it was innapropriate.

Whoa. Top news!

I agree that question was not appropriate. It has no bearing on the antenatal and post natal care your partner receives.

You two are going to make brilliant parents. Is it the same woman I saw pics of a little while ago ?

I don't see why she had your records too. I would tend to think she hadn't read your history and was wondering if you had struggled ttc or had had losses, which in fact you have. Arguably that's information she needs to support and reassure you both through the pregnancy. I hope everything goes well for you both.

I doubt she would have had both your records up so it is unlikely that she would know about your miscarriages.

I suspect it was more small talk/needing to know if there were any health issues that don't flag in the "normal" questions iyswim.

In the grand scheme of it it isn't the worst question you will be asked

It wouldn't be said to a male/female couple

I am sorry, but I am still cracking up. Brilliant comment

Congratulations. Thrilled for you and to see you on here.

Will reply properly so also marking place.

I agree it was probably unprofessionally to word it so abruptly but I think if it was me in that midwife's position I would also want to know the reasoning for such an important decision. Partly because it is still a relatively unusual situation and i would want a better understanding of the dynamics and thinking behind same sex couple choices, but also (and less professionally) because I would just be curious.

Congratulations, she was being a twat. The best of people are guilty of it at some point. I wouldn't hold it against her, it's not always easy to think if the right thing to say. This coming from a terminally barren, childless mother wannabe. I've heard it all, my skin is thick. It still hurts though, but I try not to resent people for it.

Congratulations!

I'm going to put it down to crass small talk - I got asked if mine was planned and also the size of my bump got comments. A MW should know that it's not really a small talk question though - after all, it's quite likely there is a reason other than "we flipped for it", so it should be asked sensitively, if at all.

Yes, I''m afraid I'm giggling too at the indignant "they wouldn't ask that if your partner was a man"!

But, if your partner was a man the midwife wouldn't have his medical notes to hand.

And she shouldn't have asked the question.

Congratulations LRD

I think in circumstances like this the intention behind the comments is everything. Is she an older lady, maybe a little out of her comfort zone but doing her best to make conversation? Or was she a younger woman who was just ignorant and should have known better.

My mum used to call a girl I went to school with in the 80s the 'pretty little coloured girl". Although offensive nowadays, it was meant with the best of intentions. The girl in question was incredibly pretty and my mum was shit with names.

And it was better than 'the girl who wets herself ' or 'the incredibly spoilt girl'.

Thanks, everyone! Sorry, my mum rang me so I failed to reply quickly.

trills, I love the suggestions for replies!

rubies - yes, she asked if we were friends.

Various people asked why she needs my medical records - I don't know why! All I know is she has them. It may be normal, as the clinic we originally went with required me to take blood tests, even though I have no biological relationship to this baby.

katie s - no way?! I love that question. Like you'd not have noticed?!

catsize - oh, I sympathise! We get 'are you sisters' more, though not much. It is absurd.

Anyway. Thanks everyone - I feel so much better now! We've not really told people in RL and it's so, so good to have some support here.

I very much doubt she had your records given its not you who's pregnant. I mean, she wouldn't have my dh's records there, would she?

Possibly she was making small talk, she probably has no idea of your history. for you, people just don't think.

Im so sorry op, I would probably ask this sort of question out of genuine interest.

shiz - I don't think she was faking anything!

She clearly had my records on the screen.

YANBU but I also want to know why she had access to your notes. Surely, it's confidential?

Oh and congratulations. Don't let anyone piss on your cornflakes. You are about to be a mum, how fabulous is that. Any child born into a loving home is blessed indeed, it doesn't matter if that home has a mum and a dad, two mums, two dads, one mum or a dad on his own. Any wanted and loved child is a blessing.

I think you should be asking why she has your private medical records in front of her, when that is a breach of the Data Protection Act.

When we had treatment, we were told that the HFEA has to have certain data. So, I had blood tests, which seemed daft since I have nothing to do with the baby, biologically. But, our data is passed to the GP. She must have had it - she was checking through as we told her addresses and so on, because we'd recently registered. I forget the specifics of what else she asked.

Imperial I agree. Massive intrusion upon your privacy.

Congratulations LRD I am very happy for you!

I am amazed that, as someone that has no biological connection to the baby, your medical records are relevant.

I think a few of these responses are a bit harsh. The midwife filling in my booking notes had to fill in a space on how my partner felt about the pregnancy. Maybe she was clumsily trying to start a conversation about that?

Thanks, hearts.