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AIBU?

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Original poster

to think this wasn't the midwife's business?

225 replies

LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/08/2016 17:38

DP is pregnant and she had the first midwife appointment last week. The midwife was basically very nice, so I do know this is a really small niggle in the scheme of things, but I wondered what people here would think. We were answering all the medical questions, and suddenly the midwife looked at me, looked at DP, smiled, and said 'so, why was it you [her] and not you [me] who got pregnant, then?'

Now, she had our medical records in front of her - I know, because she had asked both of us medical questions and then consulted her screen. My medical records clearly show my history, and I've miscarried multiple times.

I figured from her smile that she was just making small talk, but I let DP answer and she deflected the question.

The thing is, at the moment, everyone constantly asks us why DP is pregnant, not me. And every single person seems to think it's a perfectly acceptable question to ask, including people who I know perfectly well are clued up about miscarriage.

I hate talking about it. I have never wanted to discuss it with anyone, and I am a person who is generally quite ok with the idea of talking through issues.

Is it me, or should she not have asked this?

I am sure she asked purely as small talk, but I was wondering if it'd be OTT for me to find some way of offering feedback and explaining that this question might be hurtful to some women and may not be the unoffensive small talk she thinks it is?

OP posts:
SanityClause · 21/08/2016 23:27

DD1's boyfriend has 2 mums. If people ask him the "who did what to whom" type questions, he answers "it was lesbian magic". Grin

Also, congratulations! Flowers

AverageGayLad · 21/08/2016 23:29

I wonder if one day when I have kids, myself and my partner will get "So, why were you the one who wanked into a cup?" Grin

Congratulations though, Flowers that's great news!

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/08/2016 23:30

:D I love you too. And thank you.

OP posts:
rewardformissingmojo · 21/08/2016 23:30

Many congratulations LRD, exciting news. I remember you from a few years back - have name-changed a few times since then.

hesterton · 21/08/2016 23:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/08/2016 23:32

av - ok, I never thought I'd mention this, but I heard that some men, ahem, wank and swirl. So they don't know whose it is.

And thanks. Grin

OP posts:
AverageGayLad · 21/08/2016 23:39

LDR Ahh but if you do that it decreases sperm quality and makes the treatment less likely to succeed Grin

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/08/2016 23:47

Learn something new every day! Blush

Well, I hope whatever you choose works for you. Smile

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 21/08/2016 23:47

Aha! Congratulations! I wondered Grin

Sorry no advice on random midwife stuff. Midwives can be a bit clueless but mostly they are nice. When I had my blood tests with DS I took my mum with me because XP had to work, and my midwife immediately ignored me and started talking directly to her. I have no idea why, I wasn't THAT young, and while they were closer in age it felt really off. I ended up seeing another one when she was off sick some time and asked to switch to her because she was nicer.

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/08/2016 23:53

Grin Thanks bertie.

She is a really nice person - I do genuinely want to find a way to say it to her that isn't accusatory, because I am sure it was not intended to be hurtful.

OP posts:
SpookyRachel · 21/08/2016 23:58

Congratulations!

To be a lesbian mother is to endure endless daft, intrusive questions, I'm afraid. (Add to that children of different ethnicities and a mix of birth and adopted children, and there is so much rich material for nosey parkers it makes their head spin Smile).

I so, so wish I had thought of the lesbian magic response when fending off questions about how I conceived Grin

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 22/08/2016 00:02

Thanks!

And let's make 'it's lesbian magic' a thing, shall we?! Grin

(It is so very nice to hear from someone else in a similar - but much wiser and further on - situation.)

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 22/08/2016 00:04

Maybe just wait until you've both built up more of a relationship with her, and it's likely that a moment will come up. Or it will become clear that her relationship with DP is more important and it can be sidelined until a much later date. (It might be that she's able to take it as constructive criticism but I think you'll get a clearer sense as time goes on.)

HerRoyalFattyness · 22/08/2016 00:28

Congratulations! Flowers

I constantly got asked if DS1 had a different dad to my other 2 as there's a 5 year gap between him and DD, then only 19 months between DD and DS2. Some people just don't think before they speak.

I also got asked by a midwife why I didn't have my mum there and if I was planning an abortion. Hmm I was 16. I didn't have my mum there because DP was with me. And I was not planning an abortion. This was at my 12 week scan.
When I told her I was not planning an abortion she tufted and muttered about "teenage mums being a disgrace" then gave me a leaflet about the effects drugs have on unborn babies because "you'll need this obviously"
I was not (and am not) on drugs. She had the results.of my blood tests ffs. I didn't even drink in pregnancy!
She was a fuckwit.

OhTheRoses · 22/08/2016 02:05

Anyway, glad you're back LRD.

kali110 · 22/08/2016 02:08

Would you be asking that question if her partner was male?

Omg that's hilarious Grin

Congratulations on your pregnancy op! Such happy news Flowers

Catsize · 22/08/2016 07:44

herroyal, that is awful. And I bet at 16, you didn't feel you could complain!

Bear2014 · 22/08/2016 08:11

You would think that midwives would be compassionate, non-judgemental easy going types but IME it's literally the opposite. Friends have had negative comments if they're too young, too old, small age gap, big age gap, because of their pain relief choices, it goes on and on!! I was told off by a MW for cuddling my baby too much and spoiling her. She was 8 days old and had spent half her life in a blue light box in special care.

HerRoyalFattyness · 22/08/2016 08:12

No, I didn't. I saw her again after I had given birth (literally minutes after) but I was too spaced out to say I didn't want her in the room. Never saw her in my next pregnancies. I asked the community midwife what had happened to her (I saw the same community midwife with all 3) she didn't say much, but said there'd been complaints and she no longer worked there so obviously I wasn't the only one she was rude to.

snoringdog · 22/08/2016 08:24

Firstly, huge congratulations.

Secondly, oh god, I'm the kind of person that would ask. Not to be rude, just as chit chat and because I'm a nosey cunt with poor social skills. I'm always happy to be told to mind my own though. Well I've learned something today. Don't ask. Not appropriate.

coughingbean · 22/08/2016 08:46

Yay!! Congratulations LRD Flowers

SpookyRachel · 22/08/2016 10:02

snoringdog, I think nearly everyone who asks intrusive questions does so in a friendly, interested way - I've come across very little malicious intent. I do get that it is interesting, and tbh I always want to question pregnant lesbians too! But I don't forget - and you wouldn't see - the cumulative impact of EVERYONE asking those questions, till it can feel like you're a specimen on display. I found that everybody just wanted to ask how I did it, often forgetting to even say congratulations first. It really made me feel very othered, that I was a bizarre curiosity rather than an excited woman expecting her first child.

So I wouldn't say you can NEVER ask, just think about when and obviously think about the context of your relationship. If you're a midwife at the booking in visit, then you should consider that your primary aim should be establishing a relationship of trust and confidence - indulging your nosiness has to take second place to that.

LRD, you'll want a handful of stock phrases ready so you don't get caught on the hop by the nosies: lesbian magic, obviously. I also liked to beam innocently and say there is a special stork who visits lesbians...

ButteredToastAndStrawberryJam · 22/08/2016 10:03

I had the nurse at the doctors surgery ask me why I wasn't using contraception! hmm I always get asked this by Doctor and the Nurse, is it that unusual not to be in a relationship/having sex, I say "I'm not in a relationship at the minute" Confused it is intrusive.

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 22/08/2016 12:22

Grin I like the idea of the special stork.

And yes, it's just the cumulative effect, and the way everyone who asks seems to think they're being unusually perceptive in having considered this interesting issue. Hmm Grin

AF, sorry, I totally missed your question last night, but yes, it's the same woman you've seen pics of. Grin

OP posts:
Upsy1981 · 22/08/2016 12:50

I wouldn't take it personally. I think its just a case of mouth engaging before brain. She probably went home that night and had a light bulb moment and cringed! I know I've done that myself before now. Its not just in your situation people feel the need to ask personal questions. At my smear the practice nurse kept going on and on about my daughter being an only child and me needing to crack on with another, despite me telling her we were perfectly happy with our family as it is.