to think this wasn't the midwife's business?

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

DP is pregnant and she had the first midwife appointment last week. The midwife was basically very nice, so I do know this is a really small niggle in the scheme of things, but I wondered what people here would think. We were answering all the medical questions, and suddenly the midwife looked at me, looked at DP, smiled, and said 'so, why was it you [her] and not you [me] who got pregnant, then?'

Now, she had our medical records in front of her - I know, because she had asked both of us medical questions and then consulted her screen. My medical records clearly show my history, and I've miscarried multiple times.

I figured from her smile that she was just making small talk, but I let DP answer and she deflected the question.

The thing is, at the moment, everyone constantly asks us why DP is pregnant, not me. And every single person seems to think it's a perfectly acceptable question to ask, including people who I know perfectly well are clued up about miscarriage.

I hate talking about it. I have never wanted to discuss it with anyone, and I am a person who is generally quite ok with the idea of talking through issues.

Is it me, or should she not have asked this?

I am sure she asked purely as small talk, but I was wondering if it'd be OTT for me to find some way of offering feedback and explaining that this question might be hurtful to some women and may not be the unoffensive small talk she thinks it is?

Actually next time, if there is one, just say you're a transwoman. That'll shut them up. You could add that you are the biological father if you want to.

I'm not a transwoman.

Very odd. I'd be asking next time why your records have been made available. I admit, I'm the type to do large foot in mouth questions. A friend came to visit last week, haven't seen her for ages, last time I saw her, she was engaged to a bloke. She's now in a same sex relationship and brought her DP, relatively new relationship. I asked the usual 'how did you meet' stuff and was really happy that they told me all about it.

I meant to wind them up. Sorry. Misfired.

Firstly congratulations.

Secondly try not to take it too much to heart. Seems to me some medical professionals don't take in what's written in front of them. I lost my first Dd at 38 weeks When Dd was born the pediatrician looked at my notes which clearly showed my first baby was still born and said " how's your little girl now is she healthy.? Somehow I managed not to kill him and ask him to read the rest of the note... It took me some time to accept he was probably over stretched and just didn't take in what was there in black and white in his hand. I am sure the midwife would be mortified if she realised how much she's upset you

Oh! Sorry.

Of course.

lisa, I'm so sorry, that is awful.

I was a midwife for a very long time and no doubt got it a bit wrong occasionally on account of being, you know, human? She was nice says the OP so why make the situation awkward and create a bad atmosphere? It's better to simply have a stock answer such as, 'oh, it's complicated,' and leave it there.

I'm also baffled about her having your medical records available,mi have never seen that at all.

Congratulations to you both. Enjoy the pregnancy and try not to stress when well meaning people get it a little bit wrong.

matilda - all I was asking was, should I tell her? Absolutely not saying she's not human (!) or trying to create a bad atmosphere.

I just don't like the idea of having a 'stock answer', which would be shitty for obvious reasons.

I mean, I'm all for sparing the feelings of busy professionals, and I do see why that's important. But ultimately, I'd like to figure out a balance where we could spare those professional feelings, and not also get the impression our feelings don't matter at all.

I know a lesbian couple of whom one is currently pregnant, never occurred to ask them why one and not the other

Congrats on the pregnancy though

Congratulations!

The midwife asked me if DH was violent towards me. In front of him. And proceeded to tell me men can start being violent when their partner gets pregnant...in front of him. I was at her total lack of social skills around that one tbh.

I wonder if midwives are so used to embarrassment / weird atmospheres due to the whole baby-coming-out-of-fanjo thing that sometimes they just fail to realise they are being inappropriate because reactions don't faze them as much IYSWIM

Congratulations and sorry for your losses previously, I've had lots and it's hard dealing with them ... Easier now I'm out the other
Side

Anyway I was Wondering if she was not sure what to say !? Some of us can be a bit foot in mouth when surprised by something iukwim?! It's perhaps a poorly comprised question or was it just nosey ness?!

Congratulations.

I can see why this would bother you. She was either making clumsy (intrusive) small-talk or, if she had read the notes, was truly insensitive.

I suspect she won't be the first to think it's okay to ask so you may need some withering/deflecting responses ready.

Thanks blue!

batteries - gosh!

flumpy - YY, I wondered if she just didn't know what to say. That's why I wondered if it'd be OTT to send in some feedback saying maybe this is something to avoid.

I think it is relevant bc they will want to know your feelings toward the pregnancy and the back history is important , I think she was being professional not nosy

She shouldn't be having the information about your miscarriages in this case.

She should have that kind of information only if it's relevant, and in this case it's not. It's nothing to do with the pregnancy.

Odd.

Do you think it possible it was asked in the same manner that 'is it a planned pregnancy?' is asked? (I've been asked this on all pregnancies) which I believe is asked incase there's some issues that might come up in a mental health sense.

Who is preganct in a same sex couple could very well affect the dynamics of the relationship of the future baby; it may cause resentment issues if the birth is difficult; or there maybe jealousy from the partner who is not pregnant.

As a rule midwives are concerned for the mental health of the mother as well as physical health.

Though her having your medical records is odd. You should ask why.

That's a bit of a long shot Heidi, but maybe...

Congratulations, LRD.

It was wrong & very unprofessional of her to ask that question.

But I am afraid that you may be asked/told silly things like that again.

Huge congratulations to you & your partner & I hope all goes really well & am looking forward to a baby feminist dragon arriving in this world. (We need lots of them!)

Congratulations!

I can absolutely see why this is bothering you, but it's almost certainly something she blurted out purely because she was curious and is now kicking herself about. People ask tactless questions sometimes - I know I do.

But longer term, you do need a rehearsed answer that you are comfortable trotting out because this won't just go away, hard as it must be for you. I like the designer-vagina suggestion best myself, but there'll be something more appropriate.

foxes - um, yes, possibly she could have been asking if it was planned, but she didn't actually ask that, so no, I doubt it was that!

magi -thanks! We're looking forward to it too.

I am feeling much better for this thread and for all the nice replies.

This is the kind of thing I'd probably blurt out not realising it's rude - I'd just be curious

Tho I'm not a HCP, but I might have asked someone this before I read this thread.

ever - it's absolutely not rude to be curious, sorry if I suggested that!

It's just the context.

I get that people will have all sorts of questions, as everyone does when you have a baby, whoever you are. It's just that, I love answering questions, but this one is not the same as the rest.

Maybe she was confused as to which one of you was pregnant? Especially if she had to sets of medical records in front of her and hadn't read them.