Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this wasn't the midwife's business?

225 replies

LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/08/2016 17:38

DP is pregnant and she had the first midwife appointment last week. The midwife was basically very nice, so I do know this is a really small niggle in the scheme of things, but I wondered what people here would think. We were answering all the medical questions, and suddenly the midwife looked at me, looked at DP, smiled, and said 'so, why was it you [her] and not you [me] who got pregnant, then?'

Now, she had our medical records in front of her - I know, because she had asked both of us medical questions and then consulted her screen. My medical records clearly show my history, and I've miscarried multiple times.

I figured from her smile that she was just making small talk, but I let DP answer and she deflected the question.

The thing is, at the moment, everyone constantly asks us why DP is pregnant, not me. And every single person seems to think it's a perfectly acceptable question to ask, including people who I know perfectly well are clued up about miscarriage.

I hate talking about it. I have never wanted to discuss it with anyone, and I am a person who is generally quite ok with the idea of talking through issues.

Is it me, or should she not have asked this?

I am sure she asked purely as small talk, but I was wondering if it'd be OTT for me to find some way of offering feedback and explaining that this question might be hurtful to some women and may not be the unoffensive small talk she thinks it is?

OP posts:
Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/08/2016 20:42

Well, maybe, but I feel like maybe the fact that DP booked a midwife appointment and she's a midwife, might have clued her in?

OP posts:
SnotGoblin · 21/08/2016 20:43

She shouldn't have asked; nobody should. The next person that does ask should a cold hard stare and the response 'personal reasons' from you. Sorry you experienced what sounds like clumsy small talk/inappropriate curiosity.

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 21/08/2016 20:46

Have you been away from MN or reverted from a NC? Either way, it's lovely to see you posting again and congratulations Flowers

Sounds like awkward foot-in-mouth small-talk to me but YWNBU to offer some friendly feedback.

nokidshere · 21/08/2016 20:50

Congratulations Flowers

Very weird and insensitive but not surprising to me really. When I fell pregnant naturally after 15 years of fertility treatment the midwife asked me (in front of dh) was it his baby Shock and then followed it with did we use donor sperm Confused despite having my full history in front of her!

I forgave her because she was lovely though and obviously had a severe case of foot in mouth!

Yorkieheaven · 21/08/2016 20:53

Lovely news. Congratulations. What is it with people that they treat pregnant women like they have no privacy to feelings and are public property.

We had dds after a 10 year gap after dss and were asked, 'we're they planned? Were we happy? Are they my husbands? Did we try for girls? And the most insensitive 'are you sure you want to proceed with the pregnancy' Angry FFS but out.

JacquettaWoodville · 21/08/2016 21:00

For the nosy rather than the HCP - how about, "well, I might run away and join the circus, and a bump would interfere with my trapeze training."

Smile
TutanKaDashian · 21/08/2016 21:03

'It wouldn't be said to a male/female couple'

Amazing, funniest thing I've read on MN all day! Love the indignant tone. Did this poster do biology......men can't get pregnant just in case you're not sure!!

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/08/2016 22:09

plenty - thanks. I definitely don't want to be arsey about feedback to her.

I had a long MN break, and did post a little under a NC, but very little unti; I was properly back.

yorkie - ouch! That's so rude.

nokids - thanks. And gosh, yes ... what absurd things people say.

OP posts:
Maisy313 · 21/08/2016 22:14

My midwife asked me if my baby was planned and if I wanted to call my 'mummy'. I was 25 and with my dp, clearly looked about 12 though! I think sometimes midwives can just become a big desensitised to what's sensitive, sorry she upset you.

RubbishMantra · 21/08/2016 22:29

Never been pg myself, but friends have taken aback when acquaintances or virtual strangers seem to think it's OK to exclaim, "Ooh, can I feel the bump!"...whilst putting their hands on your body, without waiting for permission.

Just thought I'd mention it, so you and DP are prepared.

Congratulations!

OhTheRoses · 21/08/2016 22:36

LRD some of "them" midwives, dr's, hvs, say the stupidest things. You just have to let it wash over and just use them for the bits you need and/or want and Tha they can facilitate specialists to provide.

I'll never forget my gp looking over her glasses when I miscarried the first baby "and diddd you want itttt". I still hear the "it" 23 years later. There was also the midwife who booked me when I was pg with dd (born 51 weeks after ds2 died after being not well enough to survive). "has baby got the same father". When I snapped, I think it would have been difficult to get divorced and remarried in less than six months, she was acerbic".

The problem is, I think, that what to us is the biggest,most marvellous and special thing in the universe, is their day to day - seen it all, heard it all, and they forget about the individual intimacy and uniqueness of it all.

Hope that makes sense x

winefixeswhine · 21/08/2016 22:36

She quite probably hadn't read your full medical history prior to talking to you so is unlikely to know about your miscarriages and any relevance of them to your partner carrying your baby.
I think you're being sensitive to a not altogether unreasonable question. Her job is to support you both, and understanding the dynamics of the relationship is helpful.

UterusUterusGhali · 21/08/2016 22:39

**
I wonder if midwives are so used to embarrassment / weird atmospheres due to the whole baby-coming-out-of-fanjo thing that sometimes they just fail to realise they are being inappropriate because reactions don't faze them as much IYSWIM**

I think batteries may be on to something there. The phrase "no filter" comes to mind. It's not coming from a bad place. :)
At best, as Heidi suggests, it's to gauge your history etc.
Probably foot-in-mouthitis after an on-call night or summat though.

So many congratulations, btw! Flowers Such happy news!

BertrandRussell · 21/08/2016 22:43

I would be incandescent about her having your notes. You really need to complain about that. And the blood tests- what were they testing for????

adagio · 21/08/2016 22:52

Was this your booking in appointment? In my area/circle no one seems to take their DP to anything apart from the exciting scans (12 weeks, 20 weeks) or if they have a problem. Maybe she wasn't used to seeing both people?

I seem to recall some carefully worded questions digging for any potential DV too.

As previous posters - very surprised she had your medical notes as well.

DementedUnicorn · 21/08/2016 22:55

YADNBU this pisses me off. DW and I have no intention of having kids and yet I still get tortured with people asking ridiculous or hypothetical questions! "Would it be you or DW that would carry it?", "Is it because you're gay that you don't want them?" and my personal bug bear "Whose sperm would you use?". STFU AND MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS DICKFACE!

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/08/2016 22:58

They test for HIV, TB and a couple of STDs, bertrand. It's daft, because obviously I have nothing to do with the baby biologically, but they do it. Private, not NHS, so we didn't argue too much.

Then, the NHS can see our notes because the clinic shares them

I am happy, don't get me wrong.

uterus - thanks! Very appropriate name!

roses - oh, how awful, I am so sorry. What you say makes sense.

rubbish - Grin YY, have seen the 'just going to grope you' attitude!

maisy - gah, how annoying!

OP posts:
Bear2014 · 21/08/2016 23:05

YANBU - we're a gay couple too and we've had some ridiculous stuff like this. My personal favourite was when our NCT teacher, in front of several other couples, was hell bent on going into graphic detail of how my GF (non pregnant) could and maybe even should try to breastfeed our baby Grin

I think people are often curious, one MW asked how we chose our sperm donor but did it in an appropriate friendly way i thought. But it's totally none of their business and it does get wearing.

Congrats on your impending babyFlowers

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/08/2016 23:05

adagio - YY, have come across that attitude that men only bother for the 'exciting' stuff, so it might be that, but I don't think so - loads of people told me this was a crucial one to go to, because if DP was feeling sick she'd need support. And I even heard that from the same men who were very un-fussed about the whole thing and couldn't be bothered most of the time, so I doubt the midwife would be surprised to see both of us.

demented - ok, just stealing 'mind your own business dickface'! Grin

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 21/08/2016 23:06

congrats op exciting news!

some people jsut have no filter like others have said i knew someone who went through the birth on her own having split with her partner

every single doctor hw and mw aske the same question isnt your partner going to come along even though shed specifically told them to write in the notes she was single

RattataPidgeyRattataPidgey · 21/08/2016 23:13

They test for HIV, TB and a couple of STDs, bertrand. It's daft, because obviously I have nothing to do with the baby biologically, but they do it. Private, not NHS, so we didn't argue too much.

Ah. Private. Unnecessary tests. Now it all makes sense! I hope you were using insurance to pay in that case...

Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/08/2016 23:16

I'm in the UK, rattata.

We looked at going on the NHS, but the waiting list was very long, and DP is 35.

OP posts:
Original poster
LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/08/2016 23:18

(Mind you, I'm glad it 'all makes sense' to you, because I'll tell you it didn't make the slightest bit of sense to me when the NHS told me I was too young to bother investigating my miscarriages, every single time, and just insisted I should keep on trying. At least the private clinic weren't so bloody cold-hearted about it.)

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 21/08/2016 23:21

they investigate prob because theyre being paid to-theyre always nicer privately

Reality · 21/08/2016 23:22

Omg omg I am THRILLED for you both! Seriously, I'm in bed and just did a happy dance and woke Dh up! Love you xxx