to think this wasn't the midwife's business?

[LRDtheFeministDragon]

DP is pregnant and she had the first midwife appointment last week. The midwife was basically very nice, so I do know this is a really small niggle in the scheme of things, but I wondered what people here would think. We were answering all the medical questions, and suddenly the midwife looked at me, looked at DP, smiled, and said 'so, why was it you [her] and not you [me] who got pregnant, then?'

Now, she had our medical records in front of her - I know, because she had asked both of us medical questions and then consulted her screen. My medical records clearly show my history, and I've miscarried multiple times.

I figured from her smile that she was just making small talk, but I let DP answer and she deflected the question.

The thing is, at the moment, everyone constantly asks us why DP is pregnant, not me. And every single person seems to think it's a perfectly acceptable question to ask, including people who I know perfectly well are clued up about miscarriage.

I hate talking about it. I have never wanted to discuss it with anyone, and I am a person who is generally quite ok with the idea of talking through issues.

Is it me, or should she not have asked this?

I am sure she asked purely as small talk, but I was wondering if it'd be OTT for me to find some way of offering feedback and explaining that this question might be hurtful to some women and may not be the unoffensive small talk she thinks it is?

It was inappropriate, but if people haven't come across it before they are itching to ask questions!

Congratulations! I can confirm 100% that after pregnancy and birth are out of the way, parenting is very little to do with biology and who carried them.

I wouldn't say it's an unreasonable thing to say by way of conversation. It's understandable that you don't want to talk about it but it is the sort of thing that can cause emotional stress in a pregnancy and for you in a supporting role. The more your midwife knows about your relationship the better. My DH had some medical issues which were very dramatic at the very end of my pregnancy and my midwife was very chatty about them and was clearly trying to support us as a parenting couple and supporting both parts of the couple is important. The midwife may have been asking you both because she saw your miscarriage history and wants to see how you are feeling about this pregnancy, how you are coping not being pregnancy and how to support you in supporting your DP.

It's absolutely not small talk. It was a very unprofessional and insensitive thing to question.

Congratulations on your lovely news.

I'm not shocked that people ask this type of question though. People are arse holes sometimes, especially when it comes to pregnancy and babies. I would have a few stock phrases to trot out.

It wouldn't be said to a male/female couple

seriously?

Congratulations OP and just say as PP said, smile sweetly and ask them why they think it is their business?

I agree with Trills - I suspect that the midwife was, in a cackhanded way, trying to demonstrate that she was "cool" with a same sex couple having a baby together. Obviously, there is nothing wrong with you having a baby together but I can see that someone might want to feel that they have shown that they are unfazed by what is, after all, still relatively uncommon.

I'm 37 wks pregnant at the moment and people do lose their filter in their attempts to make polite chit chat. I've never had the questions about the baby being planned (I obviously give off a vibe that shows I don't do anything unplanned ) but I've had questions about how I gave birth to my first child and whether I BF from male colleagues who I barely know. People just don't engage their brains.

Rubies because I doubt it is a secret. I would imagine they went in and introduced themselves. I'm xyz and this is my partner LDR

"We made a deal. I do incomings, she does outgoings." My favourite tactic with uncomfortable questions is to make people afraid to ask them for fear of the answer.

Midwives, health visitors and dr's all come out with comments that are sometimes ridiculous. You are at the very start of your journey and there will be many more comments coming your way. Broaden your shoulders and try your best to either laugh them off or simply ignore them. Life is too short and precious to care.

I hope all goes smoothly with your baby.

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

Why did she have your notes? Why was she asking you medical questions at all? How very bizarre.

Congratulations!

People ask stupid questions and say stupid things during pregnancy. I've had so many medical professionals ask me if it's my first pregnancy even though they have my notes in front of them that show I've had MC previously.

I think she was making small talk and trying to get to know you (especially if she's your named midwife you'll see right through) but definitely a rude question to ask!

How awful for you. Totally none of her business. Wonder how she would have answered if you'd asked her "Would you be asking that question if her partner was male?" I'm sorry, but I suspect she was just overly curious. (Nosey)

Very rude of her. But congratulations - how lovely.

Congratulations! :)

I also was asked if my baby was my husband's, though. I found it quite offensive.

Very rude of her. But congratulations - how lovely.

when i was pregant with my last baby (fifth) the midwife asked me if it was going to be my last she then started writing in my notes looked up and said i am so sorry that was so rude of me.
Later on in my pregnancy i found out the baby was a girl.
i kept getting asked if we kept trying to get a girl.

oh and congratulations

We are two mums and get asked this an awful lot. I think it is that people are genuinely interested.

I am afraid it won't end for you in Xmths time - we still get asked 6 years later.

We also get asked whether DP is going to try and get pregnant. Firstly, DP has never ever had a desire to be pregnant. Secondly, she is in her early 50s. Doesn't stop people though.

It's okay, but I can understand that it would upset you, given your history.

What upsets my DP more is that soooo many people assume she is my mother - there is a 12yr age gap.

We are also asked all. the. time. if the children have the same biological father. Now THAT is something you wouldn't usually ask!

I'm so sorry about your miscarriages. Congratulations to you both.

I doubt the midwife meant any offence by asking. She probably hadnt worked with many same-sex couples before, and hadn't thought through the implications of the question. I would have expected though that it should be nowadays be covered in midwifery training..?

Totally out of place, regardless of your medical history. What did she think the answer could possibly have been??

YANBU. It's an inappropriate and nosy question. Unfortunately people seem to think inappropriate and nosy questions are fair game when you're pregnant, TTC, or even just of childbearing age.

'Why do you ask?' Is what I've started saying to similarly intrusive questions. Then if it's to support me, they can say so & if they're being bloody nosy then I don't have to answer.

Congratulations on your baby

Would you be asking that question if her partner was male?

Seriously?? That would be a modern day miracle!!

Congratulations!
I remember being asked when about to drop with DD at 35 weeks "are you sure this is your first child?"
Err, I think I might have noticed, dear midwife.

Congratulations OP

Sorry people are asking intrusive questions. I don't have any answers but I guess if it was me, I'd probably mumble that I had trouble carrying babies. However, you shouldn't have to be put in that position if you're uncomfortable.

It wouldn't be said to a male/female couple

That ^^ brought me very close to doing the obligatory MN "I just snorted my drink out through my nose"

Except it didn't actually which I'm glad about as it's Lucozade and that would have hurt.