Is my lovely husband financially abusive or am I spoilt?

[vinocola]

Back story is that we've together a long time (14 years), from a young age. When we first met I was main wage earner, then when he finished his degree he was. For most of our relationship (three kids) we managed on his wage fairly well but not without building some debts up. I always managed the finances and bills etc. I've always done 'something' alongside kids to bring money in, childminding, cleaning etc

Fast forward to now, he is now in a very well paid job, no money worries and plenty to pay our bills. When he got the new job he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account where his wage gets paid in to - his justification of this was that I hadn't managed our money well in the past and now he was taking over.
This upset me as with a limited amount of money coming in NOBODY could have managed to not fall short sometimes. The position he is in now, running the accounts is that there is plenty money to go round therefore much easier task than robbing peter to pay paul.

He pays all bills and transfers £300 a month to my account. If I need anything on top of this I ask him and usually he will then transfer extra but it hasn't taken away the financial independence I used to have.

On one hand I feel very lucky as we now have enough money coming in to not worry about unexpected bills but I also feel irked that I 'cant be trusted to have full access'

Financial decisions are now his - ie holidays, home improvements, cars, meals out etc.

He is sometimes very generous, rarely spends money on himself but its very much up to him if we spend money. For example he recently bought our son a pair of £200 rugby boots. I wouldn't be able to make that decision as I don't have the money, sometimes I would suggest a purchase and he would lecture about not wasting money but will then make purchases like the rugby boots without hesitation.

I need my hair done and have been considering buying a box dye rather than ask him for extra but it just seems ludicrous that I can seemingly afford to have my hair done but as it stands I have £30 in my account until he next comes home. (he works away)

Am I being unreasonable?

He earns £2-£3k a WEEK and gives you £300 a month?

OF COURSE it's financial abuse. That's hideous.

We have one account that all money goes in. We agree on large items of expenditure but otherwise we spend what we need to, food, days out, kids clothes etc . Over time we have both been the main wage earner and both of us have times of not working at all. My dh is not working at the moment, for example. Doesn't mean he just gets pocket money and no access to the bank account. I really would refuse to live like that,

If we all went to cinema and he was home he would pay

Child benefit goes to me

I'm not crying hard up, with my wage, maintenance and money from him I have enough but not being an equal partner bothers me - it bothers me for example that I've spent nearly all my money on the school holidays yet if he chooses to he can go out and spend what he wants, the equivalent of my monthly share in a weekend

He doesn't have to budget or worry about money at all yet I still do - today I'm feeling pretty skint hence the reluctance to book hair appointment and then I think why am I thinking this when I know we have plenty of money

I even sometimes make jokes about 'sucky for Chucky' not that I do that but think that is the level were operating on sometimes

If we were short on money I'd absolutely not complain that I have £700 minus bills.

Someone mentioned further down should I be paying for days out for kids if it's going to leave me with £30 but again, why shouldn't my kids enjoy their summer if we can afford it.

Once my money is spent they can only enjoy it when dad comes home

So he earns £100k+ and he gives you £300 per month to pay for pretty much everything? Ducking hell.

You'd be far better off financially if you divorced him. He's a cunt.

I can't understand why you agreed to be off the joint account - he could've managed the money without withdrawing your access - you say you weren't abusing the joint account to unilaterally get you both into debt. I'd start there, I couldn't be married to someone with no idea about our real financial position especially as you've both got a history of getting into debt. Spending wise, between us we earn a similar amount to your dh and I have a lot more of a budget than you - you need to agree a budget that is fairer and understand where the excess is going and what it'll be used for.

I feel I should balance my posts and defend why I called him lovely. He really is a wonderful dad and is very loving , attentive and supportive to me.

I am just sitting here like of course he is financially abusive.

You don't have access to the main family account. You don't have equal spending money. You have far less money than he does even though you are supposed to be a family. Of course it's abusive. How could it not be?!

This is outrageous.
You are a paid slave.
You need to demand access, this is not his money it is yours too

With that income you are not eligible for child benefit.

Course he's lovely. Very few people would put up with that shit and he wants to keep you sweet so you don't kick up a fuss. He's treating you like a sweet doggy. Of course you should have an equal relationship with making decisions and money.

Please
If he is so lovely why is he squirreling away all his money?
Wake up

I knew that line would come

I am angry on your behalf
I can't imagine treating someone I loved like that

He says he is scared of ever going back to times where we struggled so wants to ensure even if he lost his job we'd be ok

His line of work could also potentially include dry spells (altho we've had none in the three years he's been doing it)

I even sometimes make jokes about 'sucky for Chucky' not that I do that but think that is the level were operating on sometimes

I feel like I'm seeing things? Do you not see this OP?

You've just literally compared your relationship with your "D" H to that of a sex worker!

I think there are deeper problems here that you haven't really looked at and that there are more levels of dysfunction than just the money.

I don't want to sound alarmist but I think you need to be in Relate either as a couple or just you alone

springwaters that is true!

Heidi, which line ?

Are you a child?
Would you rush out and spend all the money at once?
His excuse is bullshit

Lovely dads don't treat their partners like this, they really don't.

Sorry but this would do my tits in
Having to ask for money and account for what you spend....hell no.

Any big spends, DH and I will discuss with each other, in a "I would like xyz can we buy it this week or wait til next pay day" but what's his is mine and vice versa

There's only so thrifty you can be with money when you're skint

Unless you whacked 13K on credit cards or something

I

I feel I should balance my posts and defend why I called him lovely. He really is a wonderful dad and is very loving , attentive and supportive to me.

He has groomed you to think it is all your fault

Hence your defence of him