Is my lovely husband financially abusive or am I spoilt?

[vinocola]

Back story is that we've together a long time (14 years), from a young age. When we first met I was main wage earner, then when he finished his degree he was. For most of our relationship (three kids) we managed on his wage fairly well but not without building some debts up. I always managed the finances and bills etc. I've always done 'something' alongside kids to bring money in, childminding, cleaning etc

Fast forward to now, he is now in a very well paid job, no money worries and plenty to pay our bills. When he got the new job he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account where his wage gets paid in to - his justification of this was that I hadn't managed our money well in the past and now he was taking over.
This upset me as with a limited amount of money coming in NOBODY could have managed to not fall short sometimes. The position he is in now, running the accounts is that there is plenty money to go round therefore much easier task than robbing peter to pay paul.

He pays all bills and transfers £300 a month to my account. If I need anything on top of this I ask him and usually he will then transfer extra but it hasn't taken away the financial independence I used to have.

On one hand I feel very lucky as we now have enough money coming in to not worry about unexpected bills but I also feel irked that I 'cant be trusted to have full access'

Financial decisions are now his - ie holidays, home improvements, cars, meals out etc.

He is sometimes very generous, rarely spends money on himself but its very much up to him if we spend money. For example he recently bought our son a pair of £200 rugby boots. I wouldn't be able to make that decision as I don't have the money, sometimes I would suggest a purchase and he would lecture about not wasting money but will then make purchases like the rugby boots without hesitation.

I need my hair done and have been considering buying a box dye rather than ask him for extra but it just seems ludicrous that I can seemingly afford to have my hair done but as it stands I have £30 in my account until he next comes home. (he works away)

Am I being unreasonable?

You presumably agreed to being removed from the joint account..?
This does sound financially abusive, yes.

Actually, good point about how he removed you from the joint account?

Ok just to play devils advocate for a second - he says you mismanaged your shared funds in the past - did you?

If not, yes this is abusive! But if you did, although it isn't fair or nice he may genuinely have your best interests at heart.

Honestly I'm not sure. You admit that when you were in control of the money you got into debt. You cut your cloth accordingly and there are many people that get by on incredibly low incomes without getting into debt. From the outside looking in it's hard to say if he is simply protecting your finances, being controlling or being abusive.

Does he know you only have £30 and when does he come home? That makes a difference.

I was going to ask the same as DementedUnicorn. We don't know what the money is supposed to cover.

Did you agree to be removed? Did you not have to sign something?

I would say that is financially abusive, yes. It is your money as a couple, I wouldn't be happy in a relationship with a man who felt otherwise. It puts you in a very vulnerable position financially.

I would also find it quite strange it became an issue when he started earning more. Surely if he felt the need to budget it should have been when he was earning less? It seems quite underhand and secretive.

I'd rather suspect there's transactions going on from the previously-joint account that he doesn't want you to know about.

Definitely not right.

Sounds horrible

Does not seem "lovely" to me.

I think in some situations it can be ok to have one person holding the purse strings as it were, if the other one has agreed to it for whatever reason, but you didn't agree to it, so yes it's abusive. Did he have full access to the joint account when he was a student?

Definitely abusive, for the first 15 years of our relationship I earned most, money went into a pot even though we weren't even married until the latter part of that time. Then DH started earning more and now earns three times as much. We still have the same joint back account as we had at 20, I still manage all the bills. If he ever even mentions anything slightly offensive about money I only need to remind him that he wouldn't be where he was without me, supporting him and bringing up our children whilst he worked away for years, which he acknowledges. Money is one of the few things we have never argued about.

This needs sorting now.

In your situation I would get a job.

He sounds financially abusive, yes.

I don't think it matters what the £300 is for. If he can spend £200 on rugby boots while the OP's down to her last £30 when he's away from home, things are clearly not right.

Not lovely, this bloke.

Talk to him!

That is controlling, belittling and financially abusive. after bills and savings are taken into account what is left should be split equally or accessible to both adults. He is treating you like a child, it's humiliating.

£300 a month if for clothes and days out (i.e. not bills) items would be ok if you were able to access the joint and pull across more when needed. You should also have an equal say on holidays and bigger spends.

But we don't know when he will be back. When he went, for all we know he could have transferred £300 yesterday and be back tomorrow.
We also don't know if he was aware of the op needing a top up, because he won't be a mind reader and the op already stated when she asks he transfers more.

Some families do live like this. One person is in control of all the money and gives the other person an allowance. Not because they are abusive or whatever, but because the person is feckless with money.

If he works away Im not sure if she can get a job. The kids are obviously young.Would he pay for childcare?

He Is paying for childcare. @ £300 a month.

Regardless of whether you were crap with managing your finances when you were on the joint account, what is unacceptable IMO is that he gets to make all the financial decisions re cars, holidays etc. This is incredibly belittling to you and puts him in a position of control and power over you.

This is therefore not an equal partnership and therefore unhealthy at best and probably abusive.

Did you kick up a fuss when he took you off the joint account? If so how did that play out?

imperial - the DH bought the football boots for one of the DC, not for himself...

I hope that money isn't mean to cover any bills or the big food shop?

At the very least, consider going back to work. If he is unhappy about that, tell him that i's very hard for an adult to live on £300 a month, and you need to find a way to add to it.

I will come back and answer points raised properly but i did sign to be removed
He came home one day with paperwork and I signed in a 'OK, I'll sign it you bastard but you can deal with all the bills and don't ask me for help if it goes tits up' kinda way

Probably cutting nose off to spite my face