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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my lovely husband financially abusive or am I spoilt?

631 replies

vinocola · 20/08/2016 18:28

Back story is that we've together a long time (14 years), from a young age. When we first met I was main wage earner, then when he finished his degree he was. For most of our relationship (three kids) we managed on his wage fairly well but not without building some debts up. I always managed the finances and bills etc. I've always done 'something' alongside kids to bring money in, childminding, cleaning etc

Fast forward to now, he is now in a very well paid job, no money worries and plenty to pay our bills. When he got the new job he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account where his wage gets paid in to - his justification of this was that I hadn't managed our money well in the past and now he was taking over.
This upset me as with a limited amount of money coming in NOBODY could have managed to not fall short sometimes. The position he is in now, running the accounts is that there is plenty money to go round therefore much easier task than robbing peter to pay paul.

He pays all bills and transfers £300 a month to my account. If I need anything on top of this I ask him and usually he will then transfer extra but it hasn't taken away the financial independence I used to have.

On one hand I feel very lucky as we now have enough money coming in to not worry about unexpected bills but I also feel irked that I 'cant be trusted to have full access'

Financial decisions are now his - ie holidays, home improvements, cars, meals out etc.

He is sometimes very generous, rarely spends money on himself but its very much up to him if we spend money. For example he recently bought our son a pair of £200 rugby boots. I wouldn't be able to make that decision as I don't have the money, sometimes I would suggest a purchase and he would lecture about not wasting money but will then make purchases like the rugby boots without hesitation.

I need my hair done and have been considering buying a box dye rather than ask him for extra but it just seems ludicrous that I can seemingly afford to have my hair done but as it stands I have £30 in my account until he next comes home. (he works away)

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
e1y1 · 20/08/2016 19:40

Firstly, the reason that he wants to manage the money, so he can budget is bullshit, you would need to budget when you had less money, not more.

He cannot have had you removed from joint accounts without your signature (can promise you this), so if you haven't signed anything, then he has.

The money he has is half yours (unless you have a prenup).

Does sound financially abusive.

Ado123 · 20/08/2016 19:43

Please do not let anyone put seeds in your head although I am sure they all mean well. I read all the comments so far and I do not think they are helpful. I think what you need to do is to sit down with your husband when he comes back and open up to him over a romantic dinner and do not make it the main topic. Just brush over, find out his reasons and express how you feel as he might not be even aware. Tell him how much you miss dealing with the finance and how much you were good at it. Please do stay positive, calm and loving and continue opening up until you are satisfied. Good luck

Sara107 · 20/08/2016 19:47

I wonder about the joint account, it's quite hard to get one of the account holders taken off (can be a whole issue in itself trying to dislodge someone from a joint account). I can't t understand why anyone would agree to this, there must have been paperwork to sign.

EverySongbirdSays · 20/08/2016 19:47

If OP hasn't signed anything....and just thinks she's not on the account could she be? Like if she went to her bank and asked? Could she get statements.

I know it's not helpful, but what's he hiding?

ImperialBlether · 20/08/2016 19:47

That is such bad advice, Ado123!

ImperialBlether · 20/08/2016 19:47

She says she signed.

heron98 · 20/08/2016 19:51

if he is paying for everything, i.e. all the house stuff and bills, food, petrol etc then I think £300 is quite a lot to be given to you to spend on yourself.

That said, I simply couldn't be in a relationship where I was given all allowance by my partner. It seems so old fashioned and unfair. can you get a job?

velocitygir1 · 20/08/2016 19:52

Gosh what a fucking arse he is!!! I've been through this with my ex husband-it will only get worse...does he control you in any other way? This is how it 'starts' sod him off pronto.

Heidi42 · 20/08/2016 19:52

This is going to turn into one of those threads that it is all ok in the end you know the ones made out to be all bad and then we have all misunderstood the op. Talking of who ,wtf is she if she really wanted to know what we thought then she would have given us a run down of what she had to spend the 300 quid on not a half baked post . If the half baked info is what the op is like then perhaps the dh is dead right to leave her 300 quid . I expect she will be on here in a bit saying he has another woman or some such like .........God we are not that gullible to fall for this crap are we ? well yes it seems we are ................

Lelloteddy · 20/08/2016 19:53

A romantic fucking dinner?
Are you sure the OP shouldn't just book a spa day? Hmm

LuluJakey1 · 20/08/2016 19:53

It is treating you like an employee or a teenager- giving you a wage or 'pocket money'. DH and I are similar in finances and his wages go into a joint account and we have a set amount that goes into joint savings, on bills etc but the rest is there for both of us to spend. He never checks what I take out or what I spend it on.mHe wanted us to have a better work-life balance after I had DS and I gave up a really good job (as well paid as his). If he ever suggested paying me a set amount a mnth I would leave- it is old-fashioned and insulting.

Original poster
vinocola · 20/08/2016 19:53

So many posts, thank you ...

To answer some of the questions raised

I do work, very recently got a job as a dinner lady 10 hours a week and have started a degree to hopefully reestablish a career 300

His 300 plus £150 maintenance for my eldest child and my 250 a month wage goes into my account
This is to cover groceries , petrol, pocket money, entertainment, dinner money and bus fares for the children (8, 12 and 16) clothes , entertainment etc basically everything other than the times he is home where he will pay for entertainment etc

I describe him as lovely as he generally is, money issue aside he has me and kids on pedestal and generally provides us all that we need yet I always feel it strongly that ultimately the decisions are his.

We MIGHT be going on holiday next week when he's home for a few days, this will be decided by him so not sure if we are or not.

I probably could be accused of not being great with money when we had less and I was running it, but we both were (and he had a rarely hefty cannabis addiction that cost £££) - I accept my failings here yet he had full access to accounts and we both weren't great yet it's gone down in history as it being me that mismanaged therefore he takes over.

I don't know what he earns except the odd glimpse at his online banking if I've had the chance and we have about 40k in the bank surplus to the bills money etc from what I can gather he earns around 2-3k a week before tax

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 20/08/2016 19:55

I don't quite know what to think. He pays all the bills, sounds as if he buys stuff for the children too + gives you £300 a month for yourself. & its not impossible to ask for more

Knowing me Id be quite happy with not a single bill to bother my brain in this life, and the DCs getting all they need + I get money too. With the option of more if I need it (you've not said he doesn't give you more).

But I understand everybody's different. I don't care who controls money as long as Im ok and if anything happens to partner Im still ok. Thats just my truth may not be "moral" according to whats supposedly "right" but thats how it is

Id have to be able to have sight of bank statements tho just to check what he's up to

I wouldn't be asking him about that either, Id put my thinking cap on because there are always ways and means of finding things out and Id have no qualms whatsoever in doing that

HobnailsandTaffeta · 20/08/2016 19:55

Jesus Ado romantic meal? Address it sideways and in a sweet loving way?

Does she have to fuck him to say thank you afterwards?!

OP you need to be making some demands for full and free shared accounts, so bills money in "X" account, savings in "y" account and disposable income for the month in shared "z" account / 2 separate accounts.

If he doesn't agree LTB, get your share of the cash and earn some autonomy.

Original poster
vinocola · 20/08/2016 19:57

The £300 is not just for me - it's for food , petrol, kids expenses, school expenses, entertainment and clothes. (Although when he's home he pays for entertainment, ocassional clothes for kids and treats for us all)

OP posts:
Lelloteddy · 20/08/2016 20:00

Do you get child benefit? If so where does that get paid?

HarryPottersMagicWand · 20/08/2016 20:00

Really? He has that much money, so 8-12k a month and he gives you £300?

It actually sounds like you do get a fair bit of money yourself a month (not comparing to his wages) of £700 but you are down to your last £30. Surely if the budget isn't available, you don't pay for kids days out. How good are you at managing money really? It may be that your H has a point. The low amount could be because you are not good with money and he is concerned about you spending and mismanaging it, hence you having go to him for more.

Personally I wouldn't like this, but then I'm the one who is great with money and at budgeting. We have separate finances but I know down to the penny what comes in and out of both our accounts.

Also, you willingly signed away your right to the joint account. That was your own fault. What a stupid thing to do, how exactly was that going to teach him. I'm not sure this is as cut and dried as he is financially abusive.

Lelloteddy · 20/08/2016 20:01

So if you all go swimming, or to the. Cinema, or for a meal, then you always pay? Every time?

tryingtogetthroughlife · 20/08/2016 20:02

I used to have this kind of problem from my now husband, he was a twat to begin with kept handing me money like it was pocket money always buying himself stuff keeping all finances to himself.
I put my bloody foot down only so much you can put up with.
Op please don't continue to live like this it's not fair on you everything should be equal.
He's not treating you equally he's being dominant towards you please kick he's ass and show him who's boss I mean that you're both equalWink

PaintingPolly · 20/08/2016 20:03

Your husband is financially abusive no matter how 'nice' he is. The fact that you feel that all decisions are ultimately his says it all.
You need to insist on more access to FAMILY money. His response will tell you a lot.

WillPenn · 20/08/2016 20:04

So, there is £40,000 in the bank while you AND the three kids survive on £750 a month for everything?

This sounds very wrong indeed. I would be extremely worried in this situation. My FIL divorced my MIL having squirrelled away money during their marriage to make it look as if they didn't have any during the divorce settlement. She thus ended up with a paltry sum while he had it all sitting in offshore accounts ready for his life of constant holidays and luxury flats with his mistress - now second wife.

You HAVE to take more interest in this money situation and try and claw back access to the full story. Otherwise you might well be left struggling badly. You have every right to feel like you are being manipulated here.

GoldFishFingerz · 20/08/2016 20:05

Tell him you need to make decisions about holidays and boots together. Work out an annual holiday budget together so that you can have input about destinations. Then plan to have monthly meetings about finances so you are kept in the loop and can decide how much to allocate for various things.

Were you seriously bad with cash previously? Have you mentioned that he was too? Fair play to getting everything in order but it needs to be a joint thing

AnyFucker · 20/08/2016 20:07

Spoilt ?

Are you fucking kidding me ?

SatansLittleHelper2 · 20/08/2016 20:07

Depends on what the money is for, if it's meant to be for food shopping etc too then i'd be sending him divorce papers.

OTOH if it's just for day to day spending than it should be more than enough, which is it ??

PinguForPresident · 20/08/2016 20:07

With the additional info then it's out-and-out financial abuse.

ignore the apologists who said you need to cook a romantic dinner, and it's your own fault for previous debt. That's all total bollocks. This is abuse. Plain and simple. He wants to keeep you poor and dependant on him. He wants to be the one to splash the cash and have the kids think Daddy is brilliant and Mummy is mean.

There's stuff going on in his account he doesn't want you to see. I suspect there's more to this than "just" financial abuse. None of it is your fault, OP.