Is my lovely husband financially abusive or am I spoilt?

[vinocola]

Back story is that we've together a long time (14 years), from a young age. When we first met I was main wage earner, then when he finished his degree he was. For most of our relationship (three kids) we managed on his wage fairly well but not without building some debts up. I always managed the finances and bills etc. I've always done 'something' alongside kids to bring money in, childminding, cleaning etc

Fast forward to now, he is now in a very well paid job, no money worries and plenty to pay our bills. When he got the new job he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account where his wage gets paid in to - his justification of this was that I hadn't managed our money well in the past and now he was taking over.
This upset me as with a limited amount of money coming in NOBODY could have managed to not fall short sometimes. The position he is in now, running the accounts is that there is plenty money to go round therefore much easier task than robbing peter to pay paul.

He pays all bills and transfers £300 a month to my account. If I need anything on top of this I ask him and usually he will then transfer extra but it hasn't taken away the financial independence I used to have.

On one hand I feel very lucky as we now have enough money coming in to not worry about unexpected bills but I also feel irked that I 'cant be trusted to have full access'

Financial decisions are now his - ie holidays, home improvements, cars, meals out etc.

He is sometimes very generous, rarely spends money on himself but its very much up to him if we spend money. For example he recently bought our son a pair of £200 rugby boots. I wouldn't be able to make that decision as I don't have the money, sometimes I would suggest a purchase and he would lecture about not wasting money but will then make purchases like the rugby boots without hesitation.

I need my hair done and have been considering buying a box dye rather than ask him for extra but it just seems ludicrous that I can seemingly afford to have my hair done but as it stands I have £30 in my account until he next comes home. (he works away)

Am I being unreasonable?

Totally missing the point of the thread.

That was directed to mto9

Tell you what OP swap him for a deadbeat with no job, house and 3 kids he doesn't pay for

'Tell you what OP, be grateful that he doesn't beat you...'
'Swap him for a belligerent drunk...'
'Count yourself lucky he's not a paedo...'
'At least you're not dead.'

My goodness, don't we set the bar low for men...

And also, to add to my list of why we should put up with crap:

'[It's so confusing as] when we're together I like him and he's attentive, generous, hands on with kids etc'

OP, you are going to become unwell trying to square this particular circle. The 'good times' are the other side of the coin and in juxtaposition they are damaging you.

It doesn't have to be 'either/or' in a relationship.

My goodness, don't we set the bar low for men...

So it would appear Math.

To be fair to the OP, sometimes we so slowly and gradually get to a point that it seems almost acceptable without ever challenging it.
Once it's acknowledged though that all is not right (as with the OP), that's when the genie is out the bottle and you're faced with having to face it.

This is the most difficult part, I think.
Much like an addict finally accepting that they're an addict.

Everything sort of shifts into focus & you are forced to make the choice - ignore and choose to actively remain in denial, or face it and open the whole can of worms.

It's scary and denial sometimes feels safer, even though logically and rationally you know deep down it's not.

Whatever the situation - addict, realising the person you love is not the person you think they are, recognising that something is abuse, confronting a (well founded) suspicion of an affair etc etc - this is the moment that everything will change and the urge for fight or flight kicks in.

He pays all the bills and gives you £300 a month spending money on top - um, are we reading the same thread? He earns 2-3K per week and gives her 300 per month, which is not her 'spending money' but 'to cover groceries , petrol, pocket money, entertainment, dinner money and bus fares for the children, clothes , etc basically everything'

Not to mention the more important issue that she should be an equal partner, and not a child who gets pocket money as parent deems fit

Yes the £300 isn't my personal spends money! Lots of people presuming that I'm spending that on luxuries for myself.

This is to feed my children, put petrol in the car and pay for their expenses when DH is away.

Most days I pay for food day by day so the fridge is fairly empty but I buy stuff for that nights dinner.

The kids are always complaining 'we have no food'

I always have milk, bread and cereal in and buy daily everything they need - my different lots of money comes at different times of the month so I don't often do a 'big shop'

My parents are generous and my money often goes further as at least once or twice a week they take us out to eat.

The car is gonna to be paid in cash, not payments. The irony is I was cleaning existing car ready for part exchange but don't have the money to put it through car wash.

When I was looking at his phone the thread of messages I found had nothing incriminating but just a casual friendly chat with a few innuendoes. Nothing wrong per se but he would be furious if that was me.

Also people keep saying I should get a job, I have one, and I'm at uni trying to recreate myself a career after being at home for years with kids. I've always done something though, never nothing - done lots of cleaning , ironing , childminding to bring in extra money.

vino that is disgraceful, when your h has 40k at his disposal and earns 2-3k a week, and his wife is living like she is on the breadline. It shows just how subordinate she is, and just how the balance of power is uneven, so that he has her where he wants her. He knows that she won't argue, as he will shut her down. It is abusive op, and please go for counselling and on The Freedom Programme. Op should not be in a situation where she has no money, as her H has lots of money at his disposal. I just cannot farthom how anybody thinks that this is right. The fact that she has to take a job to make ends meet, whilst he is lavishing his money.

When you look at it like that op, not so lovely is he!

Honestly that's a disgrace. DH was a SAHD here for a while, so no income. I could have done the same, thrown him a few pounds so he would have to scrimp and save to feed the kids, while I was sitting on a pile of money. Interestingly, this never occurred to me.

Maybe I'm too paranoid but there does seem to be something else going on, with all this secrecy. If he decides to run off to sunset one day, you would have no idea how much money he has and where, correct? Especially considering it's probably mostly abroad where he works.

£300 from DH
£150 maintenance
£250 wages
£191 child benefit
=£891 for food etc for 3dc for a month

DH gets £2-3000 a month with bills?
Assuming rent/mortgage is £800-£1200

I think that's fine imho.

And you've not budgeted your £891 enough if you're left with £30 til DH comes home.

However, I would kick off the biggest storm ever if I wasn't allowed to look at bank statements.

Can you do this?

Do you have savings now?

Are the debts paid off?

BittyWanter.

Her "D"H gets £2000-3000 a week.

So no, most definitely not fair. And in answer to your last 3 questions, no, the OP doesn't.

Sorry, last question is a yes, (as far as the OP knows) but the other two are no.

I take it back if it's £2-3000 a week.

And like I said, I'd want to see the bank statements. Immediately

Wow!!! After struggling for so long before this new life, you'd think he'd want you ALL to be living a comfortable life right now. Not you guys left at home still working it out!

Have you spoken to this lovely husband of yours as yet?

Hi Vino, if anything you've got from this thread its the fact we are all on your side, please take a step back and re-evaluate, you've been in this relationship 14 years, been through highs and lows no doubt and sometimes the balance of power does shift but its important to get it back on track if you want to save your relationship. Money as they say is the root of all evil but you are entitled to have enough to live on, get your parents to have the kids when he's back and talk to him properly without skirting around things, does he actually know you struggle with putting food in the fridge? Put it in black and white stating exactly how much you need and shove it under his nose, its past the point of not wanting to rock the boat.

By the way what does your husband do, is he a workaholic continually picking up contracts in case there's a rainy day, I know what thats like, does he not know how many days he will have off together before you book a holiday, maybe ask him if he can't take the time off, to give you and the kids a budget to get a last minute getaway before the kids go back.

There are a couple of male supremacists on this thread, ignore them.

Again with the argument that the OP should compare her standard of living with random unknown families up and down the country, whom she doesn't know.

She is living on the breadline while her husband is rolling in money.

Those who cannot see anything wrong with that picture, have an agenda.

And it's not to give the OP good advice.

Take your time OP, gather your info and above all don't give your DH time to hide anything.

It will not do you any harm to find out about your husband's finances before you talk to him. Whereas talking to him before you've found out about them will alert him and if he is up to no good, enable him to hide them. In the long run, this could do you and your children terrible harm.

Keep in mind that what you need to do, is to protect yourself for the long term.

Well said AskBasil!

Did he offer you the 8k budget after you mentioned re haircut money? careful it's not a distraction. I'm sure you'd rather a fairer financial situation long term than a one off expensive 'gift' (which he will get praise for). Lavish gestures when they suspect you're on to them, and being very very 'nice' sounds all too familiar from horridly manipulative exes of mine. Ask him to give you the 8k cash so you can take your time and choose a car while he's away.. Choose a cheaper car and spend a bit on legal advice just so you know you can be in the best position if it turns out to be as bad as all that... Can't see how he could argue with that (but suspect he will, and you should take note of how he reacts) xxx

Err agree with above though don't rock the boat too much till you know you'll be sorted if it goes tits up. If needs be ask you parents for money to get advice

I bet he won't want to give you the 8K.

He'll want control of how you spend that.

Having a shit night of disrespect from my son. Is it any wonder though :(

Feel for you OP.