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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is my lovely husband financially abusive or am I spoilt?

631 replies

vinocola · 20/08/2016 18:28

Back story is that we've together a long time (14 years), from a young age. When we first met I was main wage earner, then when he finished his degree he was. For most of our relationship (three kids) we managed on his wage fairly well but not without building some debts up. I always managed the finances and bills etc. I've always done 'something' alongside kids to bring money in, childminding, cleaning etc

Fast forward to now, he is now in a very well paid job, no money worries and plenty to pay our bills. When he got the new job he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account where his wage gets paid in to - his justification of this was that I hadn't managed our money well in the past and now he was taking over.
This upset me as with a limited amount of money coming in NOBODY could have managed to not fall short sometimes. The position he is in now, running the accounts is that there is plenty money to go round therefore much easier task than robbing peter to pay paul.

He pays all bills and transfers £300 a month to my account. If I need anything on top of this I ask him and usually he will then transfer extra but it hasn't taken away the financial independence I used to have.

On one hand I feel very lucky as we now have enough money coming in to not worry about unexpected bills but I also feel irked that I 'cant be trusted to have full access'

Financial decisions are now his - ie holidays, home improvements, cars, meals out etc.

He is sometimes very generous, rarely spends money on himself but its very much up to him if we spend money. For example he recently bought our son a pair of £200 rugby boots. I wouldn't be able to make that decision as I don't have the money, sometimes I would suggest a purchase and he would lecture about not wasting money but will then make purchases like the rugby boots without hesitation.

I need my hair done and have been considering buying a box dye rather than ask him for extra but it just seems ludicrous that I can seemingly afford to have my hair done but as it stands I have £30 in my account until he next comes home. (he works away)

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
PaintingPolly · 20/08/2016 20:32

He could set up a joint savings account which couldn't be touched for a few years if he was worried.
What he is doing is removing all your access to the money.
You can't make simple financial decisions
That is abusive

AtSea1979 · 20/08/2016 20:32

I was going to say £700 a month seems quite a lot as he pays for stuff when home and all bills but when you say how much he earns it seems like nothing. Although I can understand your DH wants to save but it should be a joint saving not all his and you've no safety net.
You need to have an honest conversation with DH. I don't think asking for more money is the issue here as it sounds like you struggle to budget each month so I can see his reluctance but you need a safety net too.
Is there a reason you don't work more hours? Could you do your degree part time and get more work?

Blondieblondie · 20/08/2016 20:33

I wouldn't have thought you were entitled to child benefit either. And if you do get that, then with the £300, your £250 and £150 maintenance, you get more than £750 a month.

missmillimentscardigan · 20/08/2016 20:35

Doesn't sound great, op. I think it could be ok if you then discussed bigger purchases, like the rugby boots, between you, but it's not right that he can just decide to buy expensive things, whereas you cannot.

Thattimeofyearagain · 20/08/2016 20:36

Sorry but this is classic financial abuse.

AtSea1979 · 20/08/2016 20:36

OP do you know what date DH is due back?

WhingySquirrel · 20/08/2016 20:38

Sorry but I think that is disgusting. Particularly as you have managed the finances when things were tougher. You're a family unit and shouldn't be treated as if you're a lesser being than him when it comes to finaces.

goddessoftheharvest · 20/08/2016 20:38

We live on not much more than 700 a month after the rent is paid.

We live in a cheap area and we are OK on it, but have to be careful and I'll be glad when our wages both go up by quite a bit next year

Tell you what though, if we had the amount your DH has squirrelled away, I'd have a good chunk of it spent. New winter boots, proper leather ones that last for years, a whacking great coal and wood order, a second order of oil in February so we don't have to eke it out and turn the heating off in March

Saving is admirable, but if you're better off to the point where you don't have to worry over some luxuries, bloody hell, enjoy some of it

AnyFucker · 20/08/2016 20:38

Sucky for chucky ? Hmm

Seriously. Listen to yourself. You might be "joking" but many a true word is said in jest. You give blow jobs to keep him sweet with "his" money.

In a proper partnership, family money is just that and giving sexual favours is not part of the deal

cestlavielife · 20/08/2016 20:38

So he is not your eldest 'father ? You said you get child maintenance?

You know that putting you on a pedestal being oh so loving and attentive - while also being controlling - is typical of an abusive relationship ? Abusive people are also "nice" ...when they choose
If he earns so much then you could expect 300 per week from him for the kids expenses clothes food entertainment etc

bigbluebus · 20/08/2016 20:39

What would you do if something happened to your DH OP. For example if he was in an accident and in a coma then you would not have access to any funds (I'm assuming you don't have Power of Attorney for him if he doesn't even trust you as a party to his bank account containing joint finances). Or worse, if he was killed in an accident, his bank account woud be frozen, it would take months, if not in excess of a year possibly to sort out the estate during which time you and your children would have very little to live on, unless he has life policies written in trust with you as the beneficiary - in which case you would get some money quicker but would still be destitute until the money came through.

If he really loves his wife and his children then he will plan for all eventualities, nothwithstanding the fact that he blames you for financial difficulties of the past.

I have not worked for 16 years. When both DH & I worked full time, all salaries went into a joint account. When I went part time, we continued with a joint account and when I gave up work the only thing that changed was that I swapped my decent salary for the paltry carers allowance, but I still have access to all our money and never have to ask permission to spend anything. We make decisions about large purchases jointly but everything else is a free for all.

Your husband is being unnecessarily controlling.

LewisAndClark · 20/08/2016 20:41

Op can claim child benefit but her husband will have to repay it through tax.

Op, do you feel able to tell him that you are going back on the joint account and having access to money again?

HarryPottersMagicWand · 20/08/2016 20:42

No, you aren't eligible for child benefit. I thought if someone earned something like 49k then it stopped?

" Either you or your partner earns between £50,000 and £60,000 per year. If either you or your partner earns between £50,000 and £60,000 a year, you will have to pay a portion of your Child Benefit back in extra Income Tax." Quote from a money website.

missmillimentscardigan · 20/08/2016 20:43

The 'sucky for chucky' thing is horrible. Confused

How would you feel if a friend if yours was in this situation? Or your child?

What do you feel you want to happen op?

Shockers · 20/08/2016 20:44

£300 to feed 3 kids, plus you, and him when he's home..?

And the rest of the stuff you pay for?

DH and I don't have a joint account, but we never have (married 18 years). It works for us, even though his earnings are considerably higher than mine, because we split the bills proportionately and are completely open about finances. We food shop daily, as there are fantastic shops on our doorstep, but we might take one another's debit card to do so.

My XH gave me an allowance, as I was a SAHM to a small child. I remember weeping in M&S (PND did play a part) because I desperately needed new knickers ( mine were falling down due to weight loss!), but didn't have enough money. His control over finances, coupled with my PND, was our undoing.

Blondieblondie · 20/08/2016 20:46

I didn't realise that. Why would anyone claim it just to have it taken back off in tax? Her income iis still more than £750 though. That doesn't mean I agree with the DHs attitude.

Bettybooop25 · 20/08/2016 20:46

I would love £300 a month. I think you're lucky OP.

AnyFucker · 20/08/2016 20:47

Betty. Stupid comment

notapizzaeater · 20/08/2016 20:47

Wow, he needs to treat you like an adult and let yiu have access to the bank accounts.

Original poster
vinocola · 20/08/2016 20:47

He is home on Tuesday for a day then back
He isn't offshore having spells away then a spell at home he has a flat and works in another city and comes home on days off

OP posts:
Original poster
vinocola · 20/08/2016 20:48

I mention that as its not like he's home for 2-3 weeks and paying for everything just the odd 1 or 2 days

OP posts:
Bettybooop25 · 20/08/2016 20:48

Stupid comment

Why's that then?

PopsicleBopsicle · 20/08/2016 20:49

Sounds like he has another family.

Dozer · 20/08/2016 20:49

RTFT

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/08/2016 20:50

Sorry OP but he doesn't sound 'lovely' at all. He's treating you as some sort of employee, not a valued life partner. You didn't treat him like this when you were the main earner so who the hell does he think he is to behave this way to you.

You must realise something is badly wrong to have posted so I'm pleased that you have so much validation on this thread. For myself, that 'sucky for chucky' thing made me feel quite sick.

His example/your example are the legacies for your children and the blueprint of how they will behave when they are adults. Are you ok with the examples so far?

If I were in your position, I would get my thoughts down on paper first to make sure I had them all, then I would speak to husband and tell hi that things are going to change immediately. Joint account is reinstated and he makes decisions with you if they are major decisions... and never again will you dither about box dye for your hair... that's pathetic.

You deserve to be treated better than this. Let him know what you expect and demand that you are treated better. He isn't fair and he isn't concerned with your happiness otherwise he wouldn't need to be told... no cognisant adult would. Enough already.