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Original poster

Is my lovely husband financially abusive or am I spoilt?

631 replies

vinocola · 20/08/2016 18:28

Back story is that we've together a long time (14 years), from a young age. When we first met I was main wage earner, then when he finished his degree he was. For most of our relationship (three kids) we managed on his wage fairly well but not without building some debts up. I always managed the finances and bills etc. I've always done 'something' alongside kids to bring money in, childminding, cleaning etc

Fast forward to now, he is now in a very well paid job, no money worries and plenty to pay our bills. When he got the new job he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account where his wage gets paid in to - his justification of this was that I hadn't managed our money well in the past and now he was taking over.
This upset me as with a limited amount of money coming in NOBODY could have managed to not fall short sometimes. The position he is in now, running the accounts is that there is plenty money to go round therefore much easier task than robbing peter to pay paul.

He pays all bills and transfers £300 a month to my account. If I need anything on top of this I ask him and usually he will then transfer extra but it hasn't taken away the financial independence I used to have.

On one hand I feel very lucky as we now have enough money coming in to not worry about unexpected bills but I also feel irked that I 'cant be trusted to have full access'

Financial decisions are now his - ie holidays, home improvements, cars, meals out etc.

He is sometimes very generous, rarely spends money on himself but its very much up to him if we spend money. For example he recently bought our son a pair of £200 rugby boots. I wouldn't be able to make that decision as I don't have the money, sometimes I would suggest a purchase and he would lecture about not wasting money but will then make purchases like the rugby boots without hesitation.

I need my hair done and have been considering buying a box dye rather than ask him for extra but it just seems ludicrous that I can seemingly afford to have my hair done but as it stands I have £30 in my account until he next comes home. (he works away)

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Missgraeme · 20/08/2016 19:05

So he gives u pocket money like a child?
Fuck that.

My best friends dh did this.

She found out her mam had cancer and she didn't have any petrol in her car. It was a Sunday and she wanted to go and see her. He said she couldn't as she didn't get her allowance til the Monday.
She didn't go.
They split up a couple of years later but she has no finances to divorce him.
Her mam died after they split and the bastard turned up at the funeral!!

Trulymadlybleakly · 20/08/2016 19:06

Inform him that when you get an equal share of the financial decisions in your marriage and equal access to funds you will reinstate equal conjugal rights but in the meantime you're off-limits and unless he can take an equal share of all domestic duties/childcare you'll be seeking advice from an extremely aggressive divorce lawyer..
See how that goes down.

2016Blyton · 20/08/2016 19:06

I am afraid it confirms my view women should never give up full time work as it often leads to this. I preferred earning 10x my ex. It rocks! Make sure your children do the same.

As for whether what he is doing is legally wrong - no as you agreed. Why did you agree if you now don't like it?
Is it morally wrong? Not necessarily. Plenty of men give their wives all the money to manage and vice versa.

If you were divorcing though you be entitled to claim at least half your joint assets and probably be paid more support from him. There is also a legal right under English law within marriage to be financially supported by your husband or your wife. Here he is fulfilling that duty as he is paying the bills and giving the £300.

Could you get a full time job now which might be the easiest solution to all this? If you earned 10x what he did and kept all the money from him except £300 that might wipe the smile off his face!

BobbinThreadbare123 · 20/08/2016 19:06

You can't be removed from a joint account just like that. I had this issue with my XH. I wanted to be removed from an account he said he wanted to keep. He refused to meet me to do it, and I asked the bank if it was possible for me to agree on my own. They said no, but that I, or he, could close the whole thing down. That's what I did. I would investigate this, and I'd be stashing some of my 'allowance' away. Go into the bank and ask.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 20/08/2016 19:07

Balls, posted too late.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 20/08/2016 19:07

Controlling and abusive.

sentia · 20/08/2016 19:07

He's not lovely.

And your set up is not fair.

Fair would be a jointly agreed budget, with joint agreement on who manages the family money and how it's managed.

What he's doing is keeping you in a position of weakness and treating you with disrespect.

If I were in your position I would be telling him exactly what you want the financial arrangements to look like, and if he disregards your input or belittles you I would definitely be going out to get a job and get financial independence from him. Which, by the way, (if I were in your shoes) would NOT be a job that covers childcare - he can clearly afford to cover all or part of that.

Tippytoes13 · 20/08/2016 19:10

I'm a SAHM mum and my husband transfers £150 per week to my account, which I use for shopping and other bits and also the CB goes into my account too, which we use for the children. I can understand limiting money during financial difficulties, we've had to do it before, but now my husband earns a good amount, so we are always comfortable and we can afford spend each month. He's happy for me to spend from the other account too, but I've never been a big spender anyway. He does sound a bit controlling with finances, I would confront him about it. Why has he taken you of the join account? Sounds strange to me.

ImperialBlether · 20/08/2016 19:13

Yes, I know the boots are for their child, but not much use to the OP if she has no money in her purse. Showing generosity to a child but meanness to the child's mother is abusive.

ImperialBlether · 20/08/2016 19:14

2016Blyton, you can't just decide to earn 10 times as much as someone, particularly if you've stopped work for a few years. We'd all do that if we could!

EttaJ · 20/08/2016 19:16

That's definitely abusive! How dare he remove your name and how?! I don't work (expat immigration situation) and DHs wage is very good, has to be to live here. I always worked before. Our accounts are joint and I do all the banking. My DH has nothing to do with the money side of things ,for all he knows I'm syphyoning it off to a Swiss bank account which obviously I'm not.

He has taken away your independence ffs.Your DH is bullying you and making you reliant on him. How are you supposed to survive on that amount? What if there was an emergency? Do you not have a credit card? I agree with pingu there is possibly something more going on. Sorry OP but he's so wrong.

Lordamighty · 20/08/2016 19:19

He really is not lovely.

MadisonMontgomery · 20/08/2016 19:19

I don't think he sounds lovely. Were you genuinely mismanaging your money before? If so I can kind of accept his attitude, but if not he is being abusive for no reason.

EverySongbirdSays · 20/08/2016 19:20

Christ almighty OP's like this make me intensely glad I'm single. Horrible. Abuse. And you need to tell him so to his face.

WhooooAmI24601 · 20/08/2016 19:21

That constitutes financial abuse, yes. But you know that already, OP, underneath.

Ultimately it won't matter what the rest of us might do about this situation. It only matters if you can live this way. DH earns vastly more than I ever will. It's one of those things. But I pick up the slack in every other way to enable him to maintain his career. So I'm his equal in everything. I can't imagine having a marriage where that wasn't the case.

BennyTheBall · 20/08/2016 19:21

I can hardly believe you put up with this.

Dh's salary has always been our money. He pays all the bills and always has done and when I worked pt when the children were smaller, I just spent whatever I wanted. I can't imagine having to ask for money when there is plenty there - how demeaning. The idea of him giving me an allowance is utterly ludicrous and archaic.

I work ft time now, but earn about £25k less than dh does, so he still pays for all the bills etc.

Your husband does not sound one bit lovely. He sounds like a tight fisted arsehole.

DoinItFine · 20/08/2016 19:21

He doesn't want you to know how much he earns and what he is spending his money on.

Yes, he is financially abusive.

No, he is not lovely.

LilaTheTiger · 20/08/2016 19:25

Honestly?

He's a bastard. Sorry love. Unless you can have a frank discussion that ends with you NEVER having to ask him for money again this relationship is now a disaster for you.

crayfish · 20/08/2016 19:28

He isn't lovely. I couldn't live like this. My DH deals with our finances, mainly because I can't be bothered and he loves doing spreadsheets and things to organise it, but all our money is ours and I have full access to all our accounts. If I was going to make a big purchase, over £50 say (we're not well off so that's a lot to us), I might run it by him but I would never need to ask permission to spend family money.

It's controlling and abusive. One of my friends is in a similar boat to you (although ironically she is the higher earner!) and I worry about her.

crayfish · 20/08/2016 19:28

He isn't lovely. I couldn't live like this. My DH deals with our finances, mainly because I can't be bothered and he loves doing spreadsheets and things to organise it, but all our money is ours and I have full access to all our accounts. If I was going to make a big purchase, over £50 say (we're not well off so that's a lot to us), I might run it by him but I would never need to ask permission to spend family money.

It's controlling and abusive. One of my friends is in a similar boat to you (although ironically she is the higher earner!) and I worry about her.

crayfish · 20/08/2016 19:29

Sorry, double post.

blowmybarnacles · 20/08/2016 19:31

No access to the joint account would worry me...do you know how much he earns? It is odd that he keeps is secret from you. But you agreed to it, which was frankly stupid. The tables have turned now he has the earning power.

On the other hand, I'd need to know the £300 is for? If its just for you to spend on yourself then £270 is a nice amount. If you needed your hair done then you still need to budget your own spending money.

FullTimeYummy · 20/08/2016 19:37

Nowhere near enough information to comment, but predictable MN knee-jerk responses all round anyway.

Do you have form for fluttering money away?

Is the £300 per month to spend on yourself?

If it's for groceries etc., then that is not on.

If it's just for you and you've spent 90% already, then maybe he has a point and you can't be trusted to do the finances. No shame in that

expatinscotland · 20/08/2016 19:38

Not lovely at all. Controlling and abusive.

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