Is my lovely husband financially abusive or am I spoilt?

[vinocola]

Back story is that we've together a long time (14 years), from a young age. When we first met I was main wage earner, then when he finished his degree he was. For most of our relationship (three kids) we managed on his wage fairly well but not without building some debts up. I always managed the finances and bills etc. I've always done 'something' alongside kids to bring money in, childminding, cleaning etc

Fast forward to now, he is now in a very well paid job, no money worries and plenty to pay our bills. When he got the new job he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account where his wage gets paid in to - his justification of this was that I hadn't managed our money well in the past and now he was taking over.
This upset me as with a limited amount of money coming in NOBODY could have managed to not fall short sometimes. The position he is in now, running the accounts is that there is plenty money to go round therefore much easier task than robbing peter to pay paul.

He pays all bills and transfers £300 a month to my account. If I need anything on top of this I ask him and usually he will then transfer extra but it hasn't taken away the financial independence I used to have.

On one hand I feel very lucky as we now have enough money coming in to not worry about unexpected bills but I also feel irked that I 'cant be trusted to have full access'

Financial decisions are now his - ie holidays, home improvements, cars, meals out etc.

He is sometimes very generous, rarely spends money on himself but its very much up to him if we spend money. For example he recently bought our son a pair of £200 rugby boots. I wouldn't be able to make that decision as I don't have the money, sometimes I would suggest a purchase and he would lecture about not wasting money but will then make purchases like the rugby boots without hesitation.

I need my hair done and have been considering buying a box dye rather than ask him for extra but it just seems ludicrous that I can seemingly afford to have my hair done but as it stands I have £30 in my account until he next comes home. (he works away)

Am I being unreasonable?

Your son is being groomed as a golden child worthy of £200 rugby boots. H is creating a stick to beat you with.

Your DS most likely feels horrible about his boots, deep down. Even a child is able to sense there is something wrong, and while it won't always lead to empathy, it will always generate some sort of reaction. Often a child will reflect pretty accurately but in a childish way the abusive behaviour.

vino I am so sorry to hear that, as others have said, your h is a contributing factor to this, he sees how his dad treats you, an in his own way, probably mirroring it. It is probably more obvious than you thought. You need to get professional help. It took my friend 2 years before she left her abusive partner.

This is one of the things domestic abuse does: it puts a barrier between a mother and her children as they struggle to process the reality vs the narrative of their family setup.

Can you call Women's Aid to talk to someone about this in RL?

It becomes much more real when you actually say it out loud.

Writing in on the screen is one thing, but there's something about the power of the spoken word, that causes a shift in psychological acceptance.

They can also talk you through practicalities.

If you're ready to talk about it, their number is 0808 2000 247

www.womensaid.org.uk/

the hiding of finances is troublesome, along with living away most of the time in a location you do not know. it screams double life to me

his excuses are poor as to why you can't be on the joint account and his mismatched use of money odd. like you can have an 8k car (make sure you are the registered owner/keeper, you can always sell in an emergency) but you can't have £50 for a hair cut?

I'm sorry this thread has caused you pain, most people wish to support you

Did you ask him for his address yet?

Vinocola any update? How are you?