Is my lovely husband financially abusive or am I spoilt?

[vinocola]

Back story is that we've together a long time (14 years), from a young age. When we first met I was main wage earner, then when he finished his degree he was. For most of our relationship (three kids) we managed on his wage fairly well but not without building some debts up. I always managed the finances and bills etc. I've always done 'something' alongside kids to bring money in, childminding, cleaning etc

Fast forward to now, he is now in a very well paid job, no money worries and plenty to pay our bills. When he got the new job he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account where his wage gets paid in to - his justification of this was that I hadn't managed our money well in the past and now he was taking over.
This upset me as with a limited amount of money coming in NOBODY could have managed to not fall short sometimes. The position he is in now, running the accounts is that there is plenty money to go round therefore much easier task than robbing peter to pay paul.

He pays all bills and transfers £300 a month to my account. If I need anything on top of this I ask him and usually he will then transfer extra but it hasn't taken away the financial independence I used to have.

On one hand I feel very lucky as we now have enough money coming in to not worry about unexpected bills but I also feel irked that I 'cant be trusted to have full access'

Financial decisions are now his - ie holidays, home improvements, cars, meals out etc.

He is sometimes very generous, rarely spends money on himself but its very much up to him if we spend money. For example he recently bought our son a pair of £200 rugby boots. I wouldn't be able to make that decision as I don't have the money, sometimes I would suggest a purchase and he would lecture about not wasting money but will then make purchases like the rugby boots without hesitation.

I need my hair done and have been considering buying a box dye rather than ask him for extra but it just seems ludicrous that I can seemingly afford to have my hair done but as it stands I have £30 in my account until he next comes home. (he works away)

Am I being unreasonable?

I doubt op's partner is anxious about debt in that way. He was happy enough to be in debt before while continuing to indulge his hefty weed habit.

OP did you have any say in the size of the budget for your car?

Can you raise the point that 'looking after the purse strings' is about administering the accounts. What you want is a role in setting - agreeing - budgets.

Your costs have gone up across the board, as has his income. An adjustment is needed. This would be a good opportunity for you both to look at income and outgoings, together. How will either of you get better at managing money (he was shit at this when frittering your money on weed) if you don't both do this?

Surely he'd be happy to have a discussion about budgets, which you'd both then stick to, wouldn't he? Why not?

Please then raise the pension issue too. Anyone with any financial sense (and his income level) would be contributing to a pension in your name - there are huge tax benefits.

He is treating OP like a low-paid housekeeper. He has no concerns about money but he's finds it amusing to watch vinocola beg and become confused when he refuses her £50 for a haircut but that she has an £8k budget for a car. He has no problem spending money when he is doing it but the OP isn't allowed to have any control over anything. Sitting him down and having a good old chat about budgets would be pointless. He wouldn't entertain the idea. He has no intention of giving vino control over anything - he won't even give her £50 for a haircut for god's sake!

He is not a nice man vino. I wish you would call women's aid - 0808 2000 247 - and have a chat to them - perhaps once the children have gone back to school. He is a controlling abuser - he is just using money as his tool to exert control over you, rather than his fists.

Totally lynda he has her on a string and is playing her like a puppet, the fact that he can splash 8k on a car when he wants, and £200 on football boots, whilst op cannot even afford a cut and hair dye is controlling and abusive. He has her where he wants her, he knows she's afraid to challenge him. Op saw his phone, there were conversations that were cosy between him and another woman, op I would investigate that further. I would not be surprised if he was in a relationship with her. Actually I like having my own account, I have more freedom and don't justify what I spend, I go out and eat with friends, hair cut dye, treat myself, if we had joint account, I woukd have to justify my spending more. Half of dd DLA gets paid to her account for her care, tap, ballet, days out with her carer and savings.

We don't know he finds it amusing.
We don't know that she has to beg.
We don't know she has no control over anything.
We don't know his intentions.
I don't recall OP saying he wouldn't give her £50 for a haircut - just that she couldn't afford the hairdresser right now.
We don't know he's not a nice man.
We don't 'know' either party and the full story from both sides.

Poor Vinocola must be beside herself reading all the speculation, hype and delicious scandal that has been posted on this thread. Sincerely hope she's stopped reading now and isn't in a crumpled sobbing heap now she's been told her husband has another family/life, is paying for sex, is back on the weed, is potentially gay, and is just using her for his convenience.
I'm out.

That he can easily afford this, not that he's maxing out his credit cards and taking loans, there is an inequality of power and wealth in this relationship. He is using his power and wealth to control op!

I know lil the fact that op can't afford £50 for a haircut, whilst dh can splash his vast cash how he wants (from op posts], says a lot. I feel that she is even too scared or too drained to beg.

She has to ask for money lillith. She shouldn't have to. Vino said in her last post: " I needed my hair done and couldn't afford it and he just skirted the issue and said 'someone has to take control of the finances'"

You think he might be a nice man? Bullshit. Nice men don't keep the majority of their income from their family and force their wives to scrimp and save and worry about money all the time. Nice men don't spend most of their time living in another property and make their wives feel that they have no right to even ask where it is.

I do agree with you that lurid speculation about prostitutes and rent boys is spectacularly unhelpful. But equally, I don't think it's helpful to the OP to reassure her that her husband is actually a decent bloke looking after the finances. He's not.

I guess Vincola that you're just feeling worn down with all of this and it's affecting your health. So sorry for you having to deal with all of it, but I do think that perhaps the fact he finds it easier to part with 8k for a car than £50 for a hairdo could be that he could get the car on payments whereas the hairdo requires instant hard cash? Perhaps he's not doing as well as he says he is? You deserve so much more. Like honesty for a start, and he's counting on smoke screening you with 8k for a car, making you feel guilty about asking for a hairdo. I know that he's running rings around you because your self esteem is battered, and sadly, that's his doing. Yes, I really advise you to ring Womens Aid. Today.

The point of instigating a discussion about budgeting is to bring his intransigence into the open. If the OP needs it to be confirmed to her (or feels the need to offer him a chance to transform into 'lovely, decent man').

Maybe she doesn't need to do that. Maybe it's not a great idea and outside advice is a better starting point. Is OP convinced of that yet though?

I suspect the behaviourial patterns are too entrenched and he will just shut her down. But that's a good point about needing confirmation

We don't know he finds it amusing.
We don't know that she has to beg.
We don't know she has no control over anything.
We don't know his intentions.
I don't recall OP saying he wouldn't give her £50 for a haircut - just that she couldn't afford the hairdresser right now.
We don't know he's not a nice man.

Completely agree with this... The Op's husband is even getting a hard time about the 8k for the new car as the OP didn't agree the budget with her beforehand...so much speculation regarding the husband on here, drug taking, shagging, second family... Please give up the bullshit speculation.
And Amy188 please stop posting your killing the thread.

Read the OP's most recent post. She asked for money for the haircut, he, to paraphrase, declined.

back I suggest you read the op posts again, especially the op, and you will see it!

In the op she has stated that: He has a well paid job, no money worries, plenty for bills, but that he has taken her off the joint account very quickly, and instead transfers £300 a month to her.

He makes all the financial decisions!

He paid £200 for rugby boots, but does not include her in that decision making, and lectures her about not waisting money.

She needs her hair done, but is considering a box dye, than ask him, presumably because he will lecture her, and make her feel bad.

She has to wait until he comes home, as she only has £30 in her account, whilst it seems, he has plenty.

Just from that post of op, you can see how wrong the situation is, and the distribution of power and abuse.

The post does not say he declined. He skirted round the issue but it does not say he declined. There are obviously massive issues the OP needs to get to the bottom of but he is not the monster he is being portrayed on here.

Um, it does say he declined. Must we say he failed to acquiesce, to please you?

People don't generally talk in 'Janet and John' simple, linear, question, answer, factual statement style. Meaning is still entirely clear - as it was to OP and is to the rest of us.

Don't hold your breath for a picture of OP's new hairdo.

Lovely, attentive, caring, generous, hands on with kids... Just a few words the OP describes her husband.

Good job, bills paid, lovely house, holidays abroad, new car.

There are literally millions of families up and down the country that would give anything for the lifestyle I describe above

I appreciate there are issues around control of the finances and not knowing the address of the flat etc.. But sometimes in life you can't have everything. The hysterics on this thread are comical.

Tell you what OP swap him for a deadbeat with no job, house and 3 kids he doesn't pay for....

op has said that he has 40k in the bank and earns 2-3k a week before tax, that is a hell of a lot of money there, yet he only gives her £300 a month for food, transport, clothes. Which is not a lot. She does have to beg, it's up to him to decide. I think she's given up asking, as he lectures her, so goes without, when he can well splash his cash, this 8k car is an example of that, showing her what he can do. I am sure she would like that in the bank and she has a cheaper car. No consultation was made, this is it, this is whT I am doing, be happy with it! An uneven distribution of power, and controlling the op, keeping her where he wants her.

I had a couple of minutes with his phone, didn't have time to see much but did notice a long running conversation with a woman at work that seem ever so slightly too friendly

That would also concern me, that i would have to look at further.

The crux is, op is not happy, however attentive, good father, kind and generous he seems, this is not filtering to the op. Everything on his terms, how is it ok for her husband to have £40k in the bank, high earner, but his wife cannot even afford a haircut or to dye her hair, and had to take on extra work in effect to make ends meet. If he was a genuinly nice man, she would not be in this situation at all! He swiftly took her off the joint account, yes she was silly to sign the papers, but to want to do that in the first place, is very underhanded.

She is a suboordinate to him, he keeps her on a string, and throws her tit bits to keep her sweet. Plus this situation with another woman is concerning. Op if your still on here, you need to go for counselling, mabey The Freedom Programme.

Some of you may paint the picture of a nice lifestyle
But sucky for chucky
being undermined with your children by not being allowed to make financial decisions around them
No discussion about budget for the family car or holidays and now idea how financially secure you actually are or are not
Kept in the dark and treated more like a pet than a person

I am not sure I would be one of those desperate to be living that lifestyle

OP, YABU. He pays all the bills and gives you £300 a month spending money on top. What is wrong with that? Get your hair done at the beginning of next month when the next free money drops into your account.

Totally eyerolls, hope your not reading the recent instalments op.

Yeah because the first 500 replies were great....
Talk about whipping up a frenzy of hate for your own enjoyment.

MT09 - that's really thoughtless comment. You obviously haven't read the full thread. The issue is not about whether or not she can manage on the money, the issue is that her OH has taken all control over family money away from her and is making decisions that concern them both with no reference to her at all. This is completely unacceptable and very controlling behaviour.
I