Is my lovely husband financially abusive or am I spoilt?

[vinocola]

Back story is that we've together a long time (14 years), from a young age. When we first met I was main wage earner, then when he finished his degree he was. For most of our relationship (three kids) we managed on his wage fairly well but not without building some debts up. I always managed the finances and bills etc. I've always done 'something' alongside kids to bring money in, childminding, cleaning etc

Fast forward to now, he is now in a very well paid job, no money worries and plenty to pay our bills. When he got the new job he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account where his wage gets paid in to - his justification of this was that I hadn't managed our money well in the past and now he was taking over.
This upset me as with a limited amount of money coming in NOBODY could have managed to not fall short sometimes. The position he is in now, running the accounts is that there is plenty money to go round therefore much easier task than robbing peter to pay paul.

He pays all bills and transfers £300 a month to my account. If I need anything on top of this I ask him and usually he will then transfer extra but it hasn't taken away the financial independence I used to have.

On one hand I feel very lucky as we now have enough money coming in to not worry about unexpected bills but I also feel irked that I 'cant be trusted to have full access'

Financial decisions are now his - ie holidays, home improvements, cars, meals out etc.

He is sometimes very generous, rarely spends money on himself but its very much up to him if we spend money. For example he recently bought our son a pair of £200 rugby boots. I wouldn't be able to make that decision as I don't have the money, sometimes I would suggest a purchase and he would lecture about not wasting money but will then make purchases like the rugby boots without hesitation.

I need my hair done and have been considering buying a box dye rather than ask him for extra but it just seems ludicrous that I can seemingly afford to have my hair done but as it stands I have £30 in my account until he next comes home. (he works away)

Am I being unreasonable?

NickAngel, She is not 'getting' anything out of it...THEY have 3 kids together, which begs the question (which btw is universal) why is DH so desperate to get away from it all (responsibilities etc.)???

If you sat him down and talked to him about this, what would his reaction be? Would he be happy to give you the address of his flat? Would he be happy to at least discuss the possibility of turning the account back into a joint account or would it be a flat out no? His responses to those things would be very telling.

There's two possible scenarios here. The first is that he is a controlling git, and that he perhaps also has things to hide, an affair or a drug habit.

The other is that he is genuinely scared about slipping back into debt, that he feels under pressure as the main provider and that this is his well meaning but clumsy way of trying to ensure financial security.

The OPs name was taken off the joint account - but then she did agree to that and signed the forms, he didn't do it behind her back and if she hadn't agreed to it it may never have happened.

The OP doesn't know where he lives whilst working - but then it sounds like she's never asked. She does have regular phone contact with him and says he frequently texts to say he's missing her.

The amount he gives her is far too low compared to what he earns, but she does say he gives her more money when she asks for it.

Spoiling his kids could be a form of control, but equally if I worked away and didnt see my kids all week i'd want to spoil them when I saw them too.

Being self employed can be scary when the work isn't garaunteed and I can see why, especially given their past financial difficulties, he might be hyper aware of needing enough savings to cushion them in the event that there may be periods of time when he isn't earning. I can also understand, if he isn't the one doing the shopping and buying the kid's clothes, organising their activities etc. that he may genuinely not realise how much these things can cost and how quickly the money can get used up.

I definitely think the situation is unfair on the OP and that she needs to address it, but I also think it's a bit early to write him off as a controlling abusive partner. If she's never actually sat down with him and discussed it before, who's to say he's not completely unaware theres an issue and wouldn't be open to changing things?

I hope you find some answers OP.

'Controlling' is always abusive. Controlling turns an adult into a person who is grown up enough to have sex with but not adult enough to have an equal relationship with. Sex with someone who doesn't allow you any autonomy but instigates a regime of complete dependence in an area where the vast majority of adults enjoy power has a different quality from sex with someone who treats you like an equal.

She doesn't need to rock the boat to make sure this is an out and out case of abuse. She has been chastised about her past money management. She gets lectured when she suggests a purchase. He snaps the lead and reminds her he is in charge. He apparently needs to feel superior and in charge in this relationship.

Well said math.

So many of the replies on this thread are full of infuriatingly ignorant, wrong "advice". The OP's situation is TEXTBOOK financial abuse. If people can't see that, they need to bloody educate themselves. If you can't be arsed to do that, don't post on threads like this.

AnotherEmma, yes, not only frustrating, but down right damaging to OP's self esteem, her DH is text book liar and abuser...couldnt agree more.

mathanxiety

'Controlling' is always abusive

That's the entire responsible response to the OP's post, in four words.

User I would love to know how you fell into your thought process on relationships.
IF I take your stance, the position Vino is in is still very wrong because if her DH were to be hit by a bus whilst working away from home
She would have no access to money
She would have no idea about insurance policies
She would have no idea about rent/mortgage how would that be handled
She would have no idea about savings and accounts
She would have no idea about amounts he owes liabilities etc
I would question if she even knows if her DH has a will.
Both partners don't have to share equally but a woman in her position would be vulnerable to being wiped out financially within a matter of weeks if something were to happen to him.

I still maintain though he isn't contributing his fair share and he is financially controlling her and controlling someone is abusing them and their free will.

The only option is to get a job maybe even work on your career and make him realise the true cost of childcare! Women need financial independence... It's too easy for people to slip up in this internet/smartphone based society
Not projecting but just trying to keep it real

WTF?!
The bullshit just. Keeps. Coming.

Early on in the thread OP said the kids were 8, 12 & 16 so childcare shouldn't be that much if OP got a full time job. Surely the 12 & 16 year old don't need childcare & could possibly help with the 8 year old occasionally? I think I'd be getting a job & getting rid of him!

No, it's not the only option. It really, really isn't.

Ultimately, it might be sensible for op to go back to work, it generally is, but it's really not the only option.

Then again working full time, paying childcare, rent/mortgage & bills she may well end up with less than £750 a month for food, clothes & entertainment, it's a dilemma. Though in the future you may well be better off!

There have been so many posts I can't begin to answer personally but I am really grateful for them all.

Just wanted to update - I felt ill/stressed/down when he came home and he looked after me, took kids out to give me a break , brought me tea and food etc (this is where the 'lovely' description on my OP came from.

I mentioned a little bit about the money and how I needed my hair done and couldn't afford it and he just skirted the issue and said 'someone has to take control of the finances'

Today, we have been out looking for a new car for me (I do need one, my current one needs £££s spent to fix a problem that is more than the cars worth)
He gave me 8k budget and said I can choose what I want

It's so confusing as when we're together I like him and he's attentive, generous, hands on with kids etc

I had a couple of minutes with his phone, didn't have time to see much but did notice a long running conversation with a woman at work that seem ever so slightly too friendly

Oh dear. That doesn't sound good.

And if he wants to keep an eye on the budget, why not go for a £5k car and give you the difference between monthly payments on that and on a £8k car?

I hope you sort it All out soon OP! It all sounds very strange. Sorry I don't have any words of wisdom for you! I do agree with others that you need to find out more about his life when he is not with you (whether it involves another woman or not) and what he is Spending his money on. He can still be in charge of finances but you have every right to see what's going in and out!!!

There have been so many posts I can't begin to answer personally but I am really grateful for them all.

Just wanted to update - I felt ill/stressed/down when he came home and he looked after me, took kids out to give me a break , brought me tea and food etc (this is where the 'lovely' description on my OP came from.

I mentioned a little bit about the money and how I needed my hair done and couldn't afford it and he just skirted the issue and said 'someone has to take control of the finances'

Today, we have been out looking for a new car for me (I do need one, my current one needs £££s spent to fix a problem that is more than the cars worth)
He gave me 8k budget and said I can choose what I want

It's so confusing as when we're together I like him and he's attentive, generous, hands on with kids etc

I had a couple of minutes with his phone, didn't have time to see much but did notice a long running conversation with a woman at work that seem ever so slightly too friendly

So he has given you a car budget but has he transferred the money to your account ?
Or will he do the buying of the car and put it in his name ?

So he is showing oh generous but it's control. ..no money for 5.99 hair dye but see how generous I buy you a car. It s like mind games.

He is totally fucking with your head. Mind game player extraordinaire.

"Spoiling his kids could be a form of control, but equally if I worked away and didnt see my kids all week i'd want to spoil them when I saw them too."

And would you keep them short of money while you weren't there, too?

Because if you would then you would be abusive. Like the OP's husband.

FGS I can only re-iterate what Emma has said. RTFT and follow the links to financial abuse, if you don't recognise it as a textbook case, it is because you are uninformed about the phenomenon. Get informed and stop giving advice that is harmful, based on well-meaning ignorance.

here's a link.

It's textbook what he's doing there.

Flourishing 8 grand and I bet you felt too overwhelmed by that to feel you had the right to the money for the hair dye? I bet you felt like you were petty and mean-spirited?

Also text book that when they are challenged even very lightly, they pull the rabbit from the hat to prove how great they are and how very wrong you are to challenge them.

yet again - why does he get to decide how to spend family money?

you need to get assertive with him. this isn't about getting your 'hair done'. I bet he never thinks of 'finances' when he needs to go visit the barber, or buy anything?

i think you need to go back to him and say you've thought about it, and being given money without having had any involvement in the budgeting isn't comfortable for you. 8k for a car is a lot in my book BUT seeing as YOU are the one ferrying the dc around - is that a reasonable amount/attitude given how much he spends on his car?

Tell him you want to manage the finances together, that way neither of you has to ask the other for money or ever run short.

It's either family money or it's his money. Given he can have long txt conversations with some other woman instead of you - i think he's using the ruse of being 'responsible' to cover his dirty tracks.

'And would you keep them short of money while you weren't there, too?'

Of course not, but then I never condoned the person in question doing so either.

Do I think the OP is being treated fairly by her DH? No, and I said as much. I also agreed much of it makes it sound like a classic controlling relationship, but that given their history of debt and money troubles, there is also a possibility that this is his clumsy way of trying to ensure their financial wellbeing.

I am speaking as someone with anxiety issues which cause me to feel panicy and vulnerable in situations where I don't feel in control, including being hyper aware of our financial situation and any outgoings. I in no way control my partner and we share a bank account, but I do fret more than is probably necessary over money and if I'd had a history of debt problems I am sure I would be even more neurotic about ensuring I never found myself in that situation again.

If the OPs partner was unwilling to even discuss the issue then I would be in 100% agreement that he is a manipulative controlling git and she should run for the hills, and the more I read updates from the OP the more I suspect that sadly that probably is the case, but I also think it's easy to condemn someone over the internet without having the full picture.

You need to go on The Freedom programme op. You also book counselling through your GP. My dh and I have separate finances, he is a middle of the road earner, and transfers money to me every month, similar to you. I have CB, and DLA in my account. I pay food, and extras and he pays bills and mortgage. I have a spending addiction and will go for counselling for it soon, hence the current set up. I am very outspoken to him if I need extra, and I can talk to him and tell him how I feel, it does not seem you can do that op. You seem scared to tell him, that you want to be joint finances, and that you need more money than this or its finished. I am on the deeds of the house and so his he, any big purchase is run by me too. You put up and shut up, that is why I think you need professional help.

Their financial difficulties were in part due to his weed habit. His wife was managing as well she could on her wage while he smoked weed.

This isn't about him wanting to not end up back in debt, it's about him being a controlling dick who is probably spending money on things he doesn't want his wife to know about.

When it was her money, it was theirs but now it's his money, it's his