Is my lovely husband financially abusive or am I spoilt?

[vinocola]

Back story is that we've together a long time (14 years), from a young age. When we first met I was main wage earner, then when he finished his degree he was. For most of our relationship (three kids) we managed on his wage fairly well but not without building some debts up. I always managed the finances and bills etc. I've always done 'something' alongside kids to bring money in, childminding, cleaning etc

Fast forward to now, he is now in a very well paid job, no money worries and plenty to pay our bills. When he got the new job he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account where his wage gets paid in to - his justification of this was that I hadn't managed our money well in the past and now he was taking over.
This upset me as with a limited amount of money coming in NOBODY could have managed to not fall short sometimes. The position he is in now, running the accounts is that there is plenty money to go round therefore much easier task than robbing peter to pay paul.

He pays all bills and transfers £300 a month to my account. If I need anything on top of this I ask him and usually he will then transfer extra but it hasn't taken away the financial independence I used to have.

On one hand I feel very lucky as we now have enough money coming in to not worry about unexpected bills but I also feel irked that I 'cant be trusted to have full access'

Financial decisions are now his - ie holidays, home improvements, cars, meals out etc.

He is sometimes very generous, rarely spends money on himself but its very much up to him if we spend money. For example he recently bought our son a pair of £200 rugby boots. I wouldn't be able to make that decision as I don't have the money, sometimes I would suggest a purchase and he would lecture about not wasting money but will then make purchases like the rugby boots without hesitation.

I need my hair done and have been considering buying a box dye rather than ask him for extra but it just seems ludicrous that I can seemingly afford to have my hair done but as it stands I have £30 in my account until he next comes home. (he works away)

Am I being unreasonable?

Agree with RockinHippy.

Thinking of you, Vino.

Crikey, it's a bit of a leap to suggest beatings and prostitutes!

Clearly those things have happened to women on this thread, Sestra. While I agree it's not particularly helpful to OP, it seems to be cathartic for them. And reassures (if that's the right word) everyone that they're not alone: this kind of shit really does happen. Regrettably.

I keep thinking about a woman I know, who's having a sort of affair with a wealthy, influential man. It isn't doing her good. He's a cheapskate who conceals his life from her. She expends a lot of effort on trying to dig out the facts and believes his wife is living the dream with him. Leaving aside the obvious fact that wifey's living the "dream" of a lying, cheating husband - my own digging suggests that he also keeps her in the dark and short of funds, relative to their income.

(The OW's a mumsnetter. If she recognises herself in this: I hope you've found the strength to break free now. He isn't worth ten of you, for all his cash.)

My advice would be to collect as much info/evidence as possible. Be careful to keep this concealed until you know exactly what you are up against. He is definitely financially controlling you which is wrong. If you have someone in your life you trust, get them to keep the copies of info you have collected, otherwise find a very safe place to keep them. For now, tell your husband you need a significant amount more money to cover basic costs. Say kids getting older and eat more and food is more expensive etc. I would say aim for a total income of at least £1k. I have 3 kids and school dinners alone come to £180 per month. My weekly shop is £150 per week (includes 1 extra in school hols as step son with us. Petrol is at least £60 per month, more in school hols. You need to find ways of setting aside some emergency cash for yourself. Perhaps cut back on shopping, or see if you can increase income- can you get extra hours at school as class assistant, even if only cover in emergencies. It all adds up! Everything with your husband may be above board, but you have no financial security for yourself right now. How your husband reacts to a reasonable request for couple of extra hundred pounds per month will tell you what you need to know in terms of how he sees your relationship and Balance of power. Not having the address he spends most of his life living at is simply crazy and you need to find that out however you are able - ask 1st, then if not forthcoming do detective work. Above all, stay strong and positive, you have every right to expect a reasonable lifestyle relevant to family income and every right to financial equality in your relationship. Not even knowing if you have a holiday coming up as depends on husbands 'genorisity' is also alarming. You are being treated like a second class citizen in your marriage and need to regain control now before it gets worse! Start by seeing if you do still have joint bank account or if he did remove you. Ring bank and act as if you don't know and think you are still account holder. This will be logged which may help you in the future depending on how situation unfolds. You need some help through all this, if you have no close friends you can trust, find help from one of organisations recommended by others. Good luck and hope all turns out ok.

Been thinking of you since you first posted op. Hope you are ok

Yeah Im sure the money is all for 'secret massages' abroad £100 a go with her 3 kids...for goodness sacks people!!!

Hi Vino, my thoughts are with you having read all of this thread and I'm not surprised you feel anxious I would be running to the hills by now. Its a shitty thing he did but I was wondering if there is more behind it, did you argue about money before he came home and you signed was it building up to this?

Secondly do you think he's back to his old habit (weed I mean) and trying to hide it? My BF's ex had a hefty habit which got worse when he changed jobs and he struggled with the pressure, he was the life and soul of the party very nice guy but back home he was paranoid and secretive, he ended up being sectioned. There was a happy ending he got the help he needed, he's no longer with my friend but he has a new life and in a good place.

My husband also had a breakdown with work pressure and did some very strange things, he often worked away too. Is there a chance you're husband is struggling with work and putting on a persona? Too me this should of been posted in relationships, you seem to be living separate lives and if he is in a city renting in the same place, can't you visit or move nearer?

Good luck Vino

Yeah Im sure 'excess £300 the money is all for 'secret massages' ...abroad £100 a go with her 3 kids!!! you got to be joking.

It is quite simple...one of you walk in to the local l branch stating there had been a dispute over the joint account therefore you would like to block it.

I'd suggest you speak to Womens Aid for advice. Good luck

Vino, I do hope you are ok, I have been watching this thread with interest and waiting for your updates. Please let us know how things are going.

Amy, whilst I feel for your situation and have no doubt you have suffered, please give it a bloody rest. If you are going to post at least make it coherent.

Great Advice Mummyof3 - kind if what I was trying to say, but more clumsily

Vino I too am thinking of you & hope you are okay

Isnt the best solution here for Vino to get a job? Bank account of her own?. Child benefit by law must be paid to the mother so a new account can be set up to receive that if it doesnt exist. Agree that it is difficult to remove someone from a joint account without their leave so do check that with the bank yourself. But most of all get a job/ training of your own. Everyone will benefit.

That's not true about child benefit. Either parent can claim it.

Lumpy is correct, no such law exists. My dh receives it for my dss because he is the primary carer.

Scariff Vino has a job and her salary (£250) makes up a big chunk of her £700 as does the £150 she receives in maintenance.
In fact he pays less than half of the money she uses for household expenses.
He seems to only pay for ostentatious things others can see, expensive boots, family nights/days out, where he can be seen by his family and passing spectators as a generous man.

I would imagine some of the responses on here may have been overwhelming, and some less helpful than others, at the end of the day though there is something very wrong with Vino with your DH's view of money.

LeSquigh, your right, apologies...just some of the comments like 'her pleasure money' and being 'unreasonable' about it all...just blood curdling :)/

When child benefit came out it went to the mother (previous tax allowance went usually to fathers who often kept mothers short of food so the "new" child benefit going to mothers was a huge boost to them as wives of even rich men sometimes did not haev enough food. Now that women work and often earn more than their husbands the rules are different and it can be paid to either parent and even on divorce it is a difficult issue who gets it if the children are with both parents half the time.

I agree with the comment though that one solution here is get a full time job and earn money and then you are not under the control and power of men. Works for me. It rocks.

incywincybitofa, Wise observance, typical behavior, no surprise there! (Same going on over here :/

2016Blyton; And tell us, where Vino supposed to leave the kids during the 11 hour working and commuting hours per day???

While DH is 'working away' !!

It's 'his' money, isn't it Vino? Whereas, when you were earning, it was also 'his' money, and he could spend as much as he wanted on weed, while you paid the bills.

Sometimes, just pointing out the disparity between those two circumstances is enough. That's assuming he's a reasonable, rational man.

There is a good old European saying: 'What's mine is mine whats yours is mine!' Now, you get the attitude that goes with it :))) ?

OP, you've never said how comfortable you feel just telling him you want more money or asking him to give you his other address.

Maybe he genuinely thought you were bad at handling money and is just being ignorantly stingy now. He wouldn't really have an understanding of how much money is needed, would he?

I'm just saying, while some of the possibilities suggested on here may be true, it's also possible that you do know your husband after all, and a talk about your needs will sort the problem out.

Obviously if he won't calmly find a solution that works for you it's a big red flag, but I don't think you should give up on your marriage until you have a solid reason.

Hi OP, I've read the whole thread now and my burning question would be, what are you actually getting out of this relationship?
If he's not there all the time do you have time alone together and dates etc?
Why did you move to a new house for the job but then he lives away in a flat? Could you all move closer? Could he commute?
The financial stuff is quite shocking but not wholly dissimilar to our set-up I'm more concerned about what you are getting out of this? Do you want to spend more time with him? Maybe the distance between finances may lessen if you were together more and he could see how the family and finances is actually run very well by you.