Is my lovely husband financially abusive or am I spoilt?

[vinocola]

Back story is that we've together a long time (14 years), from a young age. When we first met I was main wage earner, then when he finished his degree he was. For most of our relationship (three kids) we managed on his wage fairly well but not without building some debts up. I always managed the finances and bills etc. I've always done 'something' alongside kids to bring money in, childminding, cleaning etc

Fast forward to now, he is now in a very well paid job, no money worries and plenty to pay our bills. When he got the new job he fairly swiftly had me removed from the joint account where his wage gets paid in to - his justification of this was that I hadn't managed our money well in the past and now he was taking over.
This upset me as with a limited amount of money coming in NOBODY could have managed to not fall short sometimes. The position he is in now, running the accounts is that there is plenty money to go round therefore much easier task than robbing peter to pay paul.

He pays all bills and transfers £300 a month to my account. If I need anything on top of this I ask him and usually he will then transfer extra but it hasn't taken away the financial independence I used to have.

On one hand I feel very lucky as we now have enough money coming in to not worry about unexpected bills but I also feel irked that I 'cant be trusted to have full access'

Financial decisions are now his - ie holidays, home improvements, cars, meals out etc.

He is sometimes very generous, rarely spends money on himself but its very much up to him if we spend money. For example he recently bought our son a pair of £200 rugby boots. I wouldn't be able to make that decision as I don't have the money, sometimes I would suggest a purchase and he would lecture about not wasting money but will then make purchases like the rugby boots without hesitation.

I need my hair done and have been considering buying a box dye rather than ask him for extra but it just seems ludicrous that I can seemingly afford to have my hair done but as it stands I have £30 in my account until he next comes home. (he works away)

Am I being unreasonable?

Nasty peace of work! Similar situation here!
'He's working away' So does my husband; found him on adult friend finder looking for sex partners in various countries (eastern Europe etc), receipts from hotel rooms for two, dinners for over £100 at a go abroad, even brothel receipts (FKK sauna clubs in Germany)...you name it! He blocked you off the account not just for control, but mainly because he does not want you to know what he spends, where and how much! I bet he's got a number of credit cards you don't even know of!!! Feel for you, no cure for it I'm afraid :/

I think I agree that tackling him today may not be the best thing, and that giving it a little while to percolate and adjust if you need to, also to check documents etc, may be best. But this is your call.

You have been hit with a lot of difficult concepts on this thread, no wonder you're unsettled. Perhaps some of it is right on the button, and perhaps some simply isn't. I think that, even though he's home so rarely, letting this stuff find it's level in your mind and therefore not rocking the boat today may be a good thing. As I said, your call. You know yourself best, and you know your dh.

Whatever, I wish you well.

Ah, btw I was living on £40 a week which he generously sent to me while he was working in the middle east renting spots cars for £400-600 per day, and all inclusive lunches for two for £180 in five star hotels...found the receipts too...Start digging you'll be amassed what you'll find!

I agree with not blowing up on him & accusing him of financial abuse etc etc is a good idea,

But having a chat with him, saying you feel unhappy having to ask all the time, use tge hair dye as an example - flatter him by telling him you wanted to look nice fir when he got home & realised you didn't have money to get your hair done, which seems so wrong as you are no longer skint as a family any more & you wished you hadn't had your name removed from the account as you hate wasting money, so it seems unfair to have to bother him, plus you feel like a child etc etc

Gauge his reaction from there, but keep your cards close to your chest as to how you really feel if he doesn't just back down & add you to the account - if he's arrogant enough to treat you this way for so long, its very unlikely he will see this as you waking up & going for divorce - if you feel down & cant act so well, blame it on feeling unwell, something you gave eaten maybe - throw in a passive aggressive - "recovering from food poisoning, from eating something out of date as you were low on food & didn't want to waste it"

As you can see, a lot of us have similar experiences. Your situation is not unique (unfortunately, and some are even more extreme).
Good luck dear :)), don't confront him straight away...remember; be smart, act dumb:) (for the time being at least, and then start digging). Good luck for today, let us know how it goes :) x
Btw ignore the abusive comments they are probably from frustrated 'found out' husbands :)))

couldn't agree more, it is just the start...(beating etc) will follow, Ive been through it all...Nasty peace of work!

Flatter him to try and get money?
Make passive aggressive comments?
I've fucking heard it all now.

to dimensioned unicorn...
What do you mean about 'play money' with 3 children?

I am appalled, so will the police when they learn about it! Im guessing, sooner than later!

me too...rediculous

BTW the middle east I meant Dubai. They also use it as a hub, all payed by the client..absolutely disgusting!

btw the client does not necessarily know they are paying for all these activities...They are just being charged...till its being revealed :)))

You are absolutely right.. You are skinned, and you are skinned deliberately!
I can not make it any more clear just what an abusive b..std he is quite likely running a separate relationship ever since he could afford to do so.

HRMC... I bet he's trying, if not already on an NT tx code...that is the other reason he does not want you to know about the content of his account...

Or to see any of his payslips...gosh the oldest trick in the book ! If it was'nt so tragically affecting others I should think it was funny !!!

Good luck, vino. You're waking up, and it always is hard Just remember you can take your own time - there's no need to try and 'deal with it' as soon as you see H. As PPs have pointed out, it's wiser in many ways not to. Above all, you need time to adjust and figure things out.

I know I keep repeating myself, but go gently on yourself.

And as he deliberately locked you out of the joint account ...u r not even responsible for half of that...(as it normally would be the case)...further more you are not responsible for any of his debts, as you have never discussed/ shared them with you...

"Be smart. Act dumb". Really good advice -you can't really go wrong with that strategy, as long as you are careful. You might find you feel tempted to open up and share your concerns with him, particularly if you can't confide in anyone else in real life. This is normal but try not to succumb to the urge because he's not your friend in this and until you know differently you should assume there's a risk you and your children could end up worse off if you put him on notice. I'm guessing you've already tried talking to him about this every which way you can think of to no avail, in which case your spidey sense is probably spot on.

yes mine does the same.

Have you managed to do any digging re his flat? If that is above board then a simple discussion where you inform him that you find it demeaning etc might make him relent. If not then you can consider slowly where you go from there. There is no hurry.

You need to reassure yourself about the flat first though. Check that he really is living there with his middle aged colleague. not a gay lover

i tell you exactly what would happen..he'd just ignore it!

and deny everything straight into your face...even about the existence of their own children. What do you call those liers I wonder...Husbands???

Good luck vinocola thinking of you.

Please don't rush into anything. You need time to a) absorb seeing the situation you are in differently and b) to gather your information so that he can't hide anything.

Give yourself time.

Good luck

I really do wish people would stop projecting their own past shit onto threads like these. It might be cathartic to you, but it really isn't helpful to vino right now