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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother has taken our wedding gift money

260 replies

coralpig · 20/08/2016 10:19

Different culture. Yesterday was a cultural/ religious wedding and tomorrow is our legal ceremony. My mum hosted the event yesterday and paid for it. It was fun but entirely her idea and she had control over the guest list etc. This morning she has opened our wedding cards and taken the money inside as she says its rightfully hers. We made a gift list for our new home and some have bought from this and she says we can keep these items but the money is here. I'm flabbergasted. She said it's because they were her guests and her friends and she paid and we don't get to keep them because she's paid a lot and the grooms family didn't contribute.

AIBU? I think this is so unfair. These were cards addressed to us. We are a young couple. We have nothing- still studying. We wanted to save and get married when we could afford it but she pushed and pushed and said she wanted to take it all on.

OP posts:
PurplePenguins · 21/08/2016 17:58

Shock not her money at all. She has stolen it if it was addressed to you. I would be fuming if I was one of your guests and found out that your mother had taken money I had given you.

Turefu · 21/08/2016 18:09

Reallyanotherone, 200 wedding guests, £100 each makes £20000. Large wedding and generous gifts but in some cultures it's common.

Postchildrenpregranny · 21/08/2016 18:11

Friend told me recently that if you go to a wedding in Spain you are ecpected to give a monetary gift equal to what they have spent on entertaining you .In effect paying for your own meal In which case it goes to whoever paid for the reception I guess .Seems extraordinary to me and she was hugely embarassed as her three adult children went to the (family)wedding and could not afford it having already paid for flights and accommodation

Citruslemon · 21/08/2016 18:16

postchildrenpregranny it's interesting what is normal is one culture is extraordinary in another. For example, people paying for their own drinks in normal at English weddings but in my culture it would be a real faux pas if guests paid for their own drinks.

Piscivorus · 21/08/2016 18:17

I agree she has stolen from you. I would be inclined to send a traditional thank you card to those guests who brought gifts that you have received and a letter to all others, thanking them for coming and apologising for the lack of a proper thank you to those who gave cash but, as your mother has taken this, you do not know who to thank for what.

Member251061 · 21/08/2016 18:20

That is a pretty awful thing for your mother to do. Have you both told her how upset you are? As the wedding was planned by your mum, did she expect you to help out financially? Was it discussed before hand that your mum would be taking your wedding gift money?
I really hope that this situation can be resolved as it would be incredibly sad to start out married life falling out with your mum.

Lickedthespoon · 21/08/2016 18:42

What the actual f**k!!

a1poshpaws · 21/08/2016 18:42

Toast Demon has it in one: Tell her that if she doesn't give it back she can forget about meeting any grandchildren.

Hackedabove · 21/08/2016 18:43

If it's normal for the gifts to pay for the day then I'm on the fence, but by opening cards that were addressed to you I'm appalled. You said it was her choice to do that sort of celebration so I think she should pay...

Lickedthespoon · 21/08/2016 18:45

That's like throwing a birthday party for your child but taking any birthday money gifted as you paid for it - disgusting behaviour from a parent!!

newmummyagain · 21/08/2016 19:06

I'm torn. I would be very upset by this, don't get me wrong.

But I'm also wondering if this is perceived by your mother as dowry. My reason being, I'm English but my husbands family are Africian. We didn't have a traditional African wedding but others have. They have it the day before the wedding and it's the part where the Grooms Family ask for the Bride and bring lots of gifts for the Brides family as dowry. Wondering if she's viewed it as that?

By the sounds of it, this was your main wedding and tomorrow the legal ceremony is just a smaller affair? It sounds to me that your main wedding was today and that's where you've received most of your gifts which are indeed meant for you.

If it's your own mother, you really need to try and explain to her that your guests intended the gifts to be for you, explain the English culture perhaps? Remind her that they were addressed to you?

So sorry this is so difficult, what a stress for you. Sometimes it can be so difficult with different cultures and expectations xxx

Mycatsabastard · 21/08/2016 19:15

All these posts and the op hasn't been back to answer one single question.

Chippednailvarnishing · 21/08/2016 19:16

Isn't she getting married today?

Rainbunny · 21/08/2016 19:55

reallyanotherone - Yes! Their family members gave very large amounts, in fact even without the money that the dh's mother stole, my friend and dh received enough to put down a hefty deposit on their home.

Misskittykat · 21/08/2016 19:58

You sure this is not all made up? When I did a search for the op the first thing it brought up was a question re after her honeymoon?

VladmirsPoutine · 21/08/2016 20:01

Another drop and run OP. Interesting.

LondonDove · 21/08/2016 20:15

She is getting married today... I don't imagine Mumsnet is top of her list today!

Tapandgo · 21/08/2016 20:32

As you are not legally married, get the cultural one 'annulled' and that will necessitate her returning the money gifts to the guests. Then leave the area with your fiancé and begin to live your lives on your own terms and get married later - just as you intended.

If you don't stand up to your thieving and bitter mother you will be on your knees forever.

Omasa · 21/08/2016 21:22

I had to get a password reset just to reply to this thread. I am going to go against the grain here and say the OP is YABU. The comments here saying its theft and to call the police are quite laughable and have no concept of the cultural norms. I am assuming the OP is South Asian as its very much the done thing for the parents or whoever pays for the wedding (in my case my elder brother (which is probably a shock to you all!) ) to keep the cash which is in the cards. It is a very old system based on the way the weddings were funded in india in the olden days -the name for this is bhartan which translates as dishes. Whenever there is a wedding, a log will be made of everyone who came and how much cash they gave and when it's their child's wedding then they will look at that same log and pay the same money back or a bit more - the system works a bit like a wedding tax and is used by the parents to help fund the wedding . If you realised how expensive the weddings are then you would realise why this is done. Sometime the parents may not require the money to fund the wedding and choose to give it to the bride and groom but ultimately it's their choice and often they see it as their turn to get the money back that the paid to other people for their children's weddings. I'm assuming people who bought of the gift list were the OP friends and colleagues and hence why they kept those presents which seems totally fair to me. Mumsnet needs to have some cultural compass sometimes.

Grittyshunts · 21/08/2016 21:34

The OP posted this:
Wed 15-Jun-16 20:53:30. We get back from our honeymoon on a Saturday and my has agreed to a friend staying with us straight away for 3 nights. HmmConfused

DancingDinosaur · 21/08/2016 21:35

Well I suppose if she paid for the wedding and has taken the money, then you haven't actually lost out as the cash gifts wouldn't have been given in the first place without the wedding. I'd try and look at it like that. But yeah it does seem rude to me if you had no idea this would happen. She does sound quite controlling and you need to think about what you want to do about that, as similar issues around controlling behaviour are likely to arise in the future.

MagentaRose72 · 21/08/2016 21:37

All these posts and the op hasn't been back to answer one single question.

Hmm Confused
Grittyshunts · 21/08/2016 21:40

My bad. Just looked at her previous posts and she does say getting married in a couple of months. Blush
OP I think that perhaps it is a cultural thing but it would have been better if your DM had explained it to you first? All the best for your marriage Flowers

Tapandgo · 21/08/2016 21:48

Omasa - the problem is not necessarily with the lack of cultural awareness of posters on MN - but the lack of communication between the mother/ daughter/ husband/husbands family of the OP as well as the guests who addressed the envelopes with the money "to the bride and groom", not to the mother.
Clearly the whole wedding party were following different 'cultural norms' and expectations - or their would not be an issue!
The OP posted on MN on the eve of her legal wedding and after her 'cultural wedding' - I mean seriously - who does that, apart from a very very confused and upset person who was clueless about her own 'cultural expectations'.

I've been to a Pakistani wedding and saw the 'money giving' ceremony.

Kidsrulethishouse · 21/08/2016 21:53

Wow! I thought my mum was bad!