Mother has taken our wedding gift money

[coralpig]

Different culture. Yesterday was a cultural/ religious wedding and tomorrow is our legal ceremony. My mum hosted the event yesterday and paid for it. It was fun but entirely her idea and she had control over the guest list etc. This morning she has opened our wedding cards and taken the money inside as she says its rightfully hers. We made a gift list for our new home and some have bought from this and she says we can keep these items but the money is here. I'm flabbergasted. She said it's because they were her guests and her friends and she paid and we don't get to keep them because she's paid a lot and the grooms family didn't contribute.

AIBU? I think this is so unfair. These were cards addressed to us. We are a young couple. We have nothing- still studying. We wanted to save and get married when we could afford it but she pushed and pushed and said she wanted to take it all on.

I am a peaceful sort but I would take my mother down with my own bare hands if she tried this on my wedding day.

Big lack of communication. If she made you believe she's happy to pay for wedding, that's understandable you're upset. If money are understood as family money rather then couple's money, I can see mother's point of view. Shame you didn't talk it thru properly before wedding.
From other hand: you said you wanted to saved up for wedding. Well , you don't have to now, you had your wedding free. You're married couple now, adults, you can start to save your own money and nobody will take away them from you. You also have boxed presents. Move on and enjoy your married life. I suggest live separately from parents though.

I wonder if part of this is a traditional v modern culture clash. If traditionally the money went to the parents then that is what your DM and older guests would expect. However, the OP and their age group might expect a more British cultural approach where the gifts go to the bride and groom. DH is from another culture and it is interesting to see the clash / interaction of cultural norms. Neither is right or wrong just different.

If a relative did that to me I'd tell them I consider it a ransom for never having to see them again in my life and go NC.

During all of the planning was money never discussed? Who paid for things like the make up and clothes and flowers?

Oh that's mean - I assume guests would not have given certain amounts if they had realised it wasn't going to the bride and groom .... that's not a nice thing to do at all - congratulations btw - hope she sees sense. Ask her for money back - tell her you need receipts from what she spent and you will pay her back in small repayments if she wants it that badly

tell her you need receipts from what she spent
Wow, just wow.

Boils down to:

1. What culture?
2. What were the intentions of the guests? M

Sorry for the random M!

What's wow just wow - she may have taken 4 times the amount she spent if it's wedding gift money and if she's so desperate for them to pay for the food she used, then why not?

Also, if that theory is correct, why have some people actually given gifts instead of money - if that was the case, they would all give money and the envelope would be addressed to the parents, not the bride and groom

So someone had paid for your wedding and instead of saying "thank you" you'd want to see receipts? Petty behaviour. I think it'd be pretty evident from looking around what had been bought.
Anyway OP has disappeared. She always seems petulant from previous threads anyway so am just going to hide this thread because I feel like I'm just repeating myself.

Shehasawildheart- I think you explanations have been great and totally agree with you!

Your not you!

Unfortunately this isn't unusual in what I am assuming is Asian culture. When I and friends got married all our mums did this and stole our money from the cards. It still hurts now and when we confronted them they told us off and we couldn't question it

OP is having her civil ceremony wedding today, so probably that's why she hasn't responded yet.
I'm in minority here, but I think she should let it go and learn to be independent from family now. Having rows with mum and MIL is not good start of married life.

Agree with PP I would tell her she had to give me the money back or I would involve the police.

marynary midcentury

Sorry - didn't read it properly. I stand (well, sit eating chocolate) corrected.

This happened to my best friend! She married a man from a south east asian culture so nearly everyone gave cash gifts at their wedding which were collected and recorded at a gift table by his mother. Friend and her dh paid for the wedding entirely themselves btw. Anyway, fast forward a few months and they started getting calls and emails from several guests who were enquiring if they had enjoyed their gift money/hope they bought something nice etc... (basically the guests were annoyed and hinting to the couple that they hadn't received thank you cards!) They contacted all the guests they thought hadn't given them any money to discover that they had and that his mother had kept the money herself - again she didn't pay anything towards the wedding she just stole money (it totalled tens of thousands!) My friend was mad and wanted to go to the police which of course they didn't do in the end, they didn't get any of the money back either.

This MIL also presented her daughter's new dh with a invoice after she got married. She wanted her new son in law to reimburse her for the cost of keeping her daughter after she turned 18. College fees, living expenses etc.. her dd was 26 when she got married. The new son in law declined to reimburse her which caused arguments and the MIL threatened to go to the police which was even more hilarious. She seriously thought she could force her SIL to pay her!

Yummytummy really?? I'm happy to be guided with someone with first hand experience of the culture but I'm still shocked

This is culturally correct in some places. The only thing is that it is dying out and so the 2nd and 3rd generation sometimes are not aware of it. I only found out when MIL took all our money. When I told my own mum about it she wasn't too shocked and said this is how the parents recoup some of the wedding cost aka loss. Each side tend to keep back what their own side gifted...all it or at least some. You can see how this would work back in Pakistan, India, Bangladesh etc where there is social pressure to give a good party and the wedding party can be as big as a thousand.

When you're not wealthy it must be comforting to know you will get some of the cost back, after all the young couple will be living with in-laws so everything else is provided for. Also the girls parents usually gift household furniture, white goods, gold, soft furnishings etc.

However, in this country people don't do this as often, especially as couples often strike out on their own and need the money.

You should talk to your mum about how you feel. If she knows you are not happy surely she should return the money... Obviously, she should have discussed what her intentions were (but in my experience they just don't feel that you as the 'kid' need to be consulted) or waited until she could comfortable afford the wedding. I feel that she pushed you to get married so she could save face i.e. You are now legitimate as you are married and no longer bf/gf which can carry stigma.

Hope you get it resolved without too much damage to the relationship op.

I'm sure OP said legal ceremony was tomorrow so not sure where she's gone. And she found time to post in the first place so could have contributed more.

Which culture approves this kind of ridiculous fucking behaviour??

Crazy, with bells on.

I would definitely tell every single guest what she's done and shame her. That's a bloody disgrace.

As someone said about 100 pages back we don't know if it is cultural as it seems to have come as a shock to the OP, but if it's not cultural then why mention that she is from a different culture?

The OP mentions being North African and (part?) Egyptian in her many other wedding related threads stalker
I don't know anything about North African or Egyptian cultural wedding practices myself but the cash gifts covering the cost of the wedding is totes normal in my culture (my fave job at a wedding is sitting at the table gathering the envelopes in because I'm a nosy bitch )