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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother has taken our wedding gift money

260 replies

coralpig · 20/08/2016 10:19

Different culture. Yesterday was a cultural/ religious wedding and tomorrow is our legal ceremony. My mum hosted the event yesterday and paid for it. It was fun but entirely her idea and she had control over the guest list etc. This morning she has opened our wedding cards and taken the money inside as she says its rightfully hers. We made a gift list for our new home and some have bought from this and she says we can keep these items but the money is here. I'm flabbergasted. She said it's because they were her guests and her friends and she paid and we don't get to keep them because she's paid a lot and the grooms family didn't contribute.

AIBU? I think this is so unfair. These were cards addressed to us. We are a young couple. We have nothing- still studying. We wanted to save and get married when we could afford it but she pushed and pushed and said she wanted to take it all on.

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 20/08/2016 19:08

Why didn't the groom's family contribute? Whether you had a traditional and then "official" wedding isn't relevant - unless the groom's family paid for the official and then your family for the traditional

If the above is the case then (unless groom's family are going to keep any money'presents arising from this wedding!) you need to ask your mother for the money back - no messing around, insist; Im thinking the official won't involve gifts anyway if your culture is anything like mine where the traditional is the important, and the "official" just to save hassle with paperwork, travelling etc

If groom's family didn't put anything towards traditional wedding and won't be doing so for the official then why even marry him? & if this is the case and people become aware then they won't scorn your mother for keeping the money and I think you know this very well.

If you believe your mother kept that money wrongly though in any case, ask for it back or you'll end up seething with resentment and its utterly pointless having that eating away at you.. personally Id ask, and if she didnt cough up Id take it, behind her back. & then she wouldn't see me again

Then again Im not one for family loyalties "just because", and letting family take the piss. Might be different for you

MiscellaneousAssortment · 20/08/2016 19:34

Err, why should she stop marrying the man she loves based on what his family rituals and traditions are with regard to a ceremony that was only to please the brides mother anyway?

Not following that logic at all.

"If groom's family didn't put anything towards traditional wedding and won't be doing so for the official then why even marry him?"

MistressDeeCee · 20/08/2016 19:47

You arent going to follow logic if you don't have a traditional wedding culture

I do - and am applying my comments to that since whoever's idea it is, you will normally have both weddings as standard and that's for official reasons or it causes all sorts of hassle. Thats the world of today

Each to their own regarding opinion, methinks. The main post is whats important here

gingerboy1912 · 20/08/2016 20:50

If it's normal in the op's culture like people have said then why has the op written a post about it?

Turefu · 20/08/2016 20:58

Rainbunny, That's horrible! How awful. Different then OP's situation though.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 20/08/2016 21:12

.

Rainbunny · 21/08/2016 03:17

Turefu - I know, not the exact same situation but it was such an epic anecdote I just felt I had to share! We all like to moan about our MILs but this MIL is notoriously famous amongst our friends for these stunts.

I kind of understand it, she and her dh came from Vietnam with nothing but their clothes to escape the war there and ended up living in London via Hong Kong. According to my friend they have always been obsessed with money, a genuine fear of being poor. My friend estimates that they probably have a few million now if not more but they live very, very cheaply. After 30 years of marriage they even divorced (in secret - no one in family knew and they still live as husband and wife) purely for financial reasons - to protect their accumulated assets and reduce personal liability. I did once mention to my friend that divorcing under false pretences like this is actually a fraud offense but who would bother to do anything about it?

EEVEElution · 21/08/2016 04:00

Haven't read the whole thread but it is normal in some cultures - DH and I had a second wedding in a China so all his Chinese friends and family could celebrate our marriage, we were given a lot of red envelopes which all went to his family as they'd paid for the wedding. We were happy with that however, it's not as though they nicked it against our will - that's the key difference here.

sashh · 21/08/2016 04:39

Have a fabulous day todayOP

I've been to a few weddings where during the speeches people who have helped the bride and groom / family are mentioned and sometimes given gifts.

I would be tempted to have someone give your mother a pack of thank you cards so she can write notes to all the people who gave her money yesterday.

I say tempted, in reality I would have probably not because I was scared of my mother, and this is the kind of thing she would do.

HighDataUsage · 21/08/2016 06:39

Thus is why I always give a cheque as a wedding gift never cash so it will reach it's intended recipient. At Asian weddings, it's usually the groom's mother/family who pocket the presents. My friend's Mil stole her weddings gifts of cash, jewellery & boxed gifts except for the cheques as they weren't in her name. Her now ex Mil was cross that people have cheques rather than cash.

HighDataUsage · 21/08/2016 06:39

Gave cheques not have

Turefu · 21/08/2016 07:43

Great idea, give cheques rather then money.

Wellywife · 21/08/2016 08:16

The thing is, if the OP hadn't had the religious/cultural wedding paid for by her DM, then those guests probably wouldn't have been invited and so wouldn't have given the cash! So the OP isn't out of pocket.

Re the groom's family not contributing: it might not be his culture, in the olden days here, the bride's family paid for the wedding. Or his family may have focused on the legal wedding instead.

SavoyCabbage · 21/08/2016 08:25

It's totally normal at the many, many Chinese weddings I've been to.

It's a way of being able to invite a lot of people. And a way of getting to go to a lot of weddings.

You put money a red envelope and it's all noted down and counted during the meal and then the money is used to pay the restaurant at the end.

Katherine2626 · 21/08/2016 17:20

Theft. No other word for it. Your money/gifts have been stolen, it is irrelevant that you know by whom and when - it's quite simply theft.

gribak · 21/08/2016 17:26

One word: SHOCKING!! As a mum of teenagers, I would want to give my kids a helping hand, a start in life - given that we wouldn't have the money ourselves to provide everything for them. Simply awful. I would do something about it, or you will be ruled for ever by your mum. Also, attempt to live in a different country to her if you can too - she sounds controlling!!

Shona52 · 21/08/2016 17:27

That is your money. People have you it as a gift for your marriage. I agree I would let people know what she's done. Maybe there will be enough of a black lash that she will be shamed to give it back to you.

Just because she helped fund the wedding dose not give her the right to claw the money she has spent back. I couldn't imagine doing this to my DS

amispeakingenglish · 21/08/2016 17:30

Call the police!!

notinagreatplace · 21/08/2016 17:31

I come from a culture which does this and my parents kept the cash gifts from our wedding - as with the OP, we kept gift cards and physical presents from our friends. Didn't bother me.

Something that I wanted to add is that, certainly in my culture, that is what the people giving the cash also expected to happen - it is absolutely not the case that my extended family/parents' friends thought that the money would go to me and my DH, they also knew that it would go to my parents and pay back some of the costs of the wedding.

reallyanotherone · 21/08/2016 17:35

Rainbunny- 10's of thousands of pounds for wedding gifts?

Were there thousands of guests? Or very rich guests?

/considers getting married....

Janey50 · 21/08/2016 17:37

Words fail me.Shock

labazs · 21/08/2016 17:51

thats disgusting if she didnt want to pay she should have been honest id name and shame her to the people who kindly gave the money

Sgoinneal · 21/08/2016 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Viviennemary · 21/08/2016 17:56

She's no better than a thief. You should inform all your guests if she doesn't return the money.

Iloveowls2 · 21/08/2016 17:57

I would write to the guests letting them know what happened. Let your Adam know you are doing this. Call the police and report the theft, it was in cards addressed to you. Get this woman out your life