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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Aibu to think that if you buy someone a birthday present...you dont then take it back off them?

310 replies

shiteattheseaside · 19/08/2016 16:09

Ok so this will need some background explanation:

  1. My mother and father are very very well off (house over a milion, 2 porches, 3 horses)
  1. Even though people may make a judgement of what i am going to say, i am the total opposite of a spoilt brat. ..totally on the contrary i have never asked for anything from them, i have bought everything myself from working at 15 and moving out at 18 to uni with pretty much nil help from them (which admittedly i dont expect but indont understand why they dont offer when they are so well off and im struggling tbh)

Ok so, my mum and dad bought me a car for my 18th birthday (seccond hand, but decent little first car, worth about 4500). Jump to me being 20 at uni, i have a rather wild weekend with friends - paid for by my student loan at the time. I had thought i had another installmeny of student loan to do me to the end of the year but i had misscalculated and was basically down of about 1300 ( my fault totally). I spoke to my dad and explained my stupid mistake and asked if he would mind lending me the money (which i would pay back straight away when my next loan/work wage came in in a couple months time) baring in mind this is the first and only time i had ever asked my very wealthy parents for help (i was paying my own accomodation fees, uni fees and had a student loan for living, they helped with literally nothing). My dad then said that he would sell my car to cover the cost to help me out (baring in mind the car was my birthday presblent from 2 years ago and was worth 4500) he sold my car and gave me 1300.

Aibu to think that this was fcking shit of them to do this? Or perhaps they were trying to teach me a lesson? This happened 5 years ago bow but i still dont understand why, when id never asked for help before, they dont help me financially at all since me being 15 and they are extreamly well off?

OP posts:
Runningbutnotscared · 19/08/2016 16:50

I really really want to know what you did on that weekend?
I spent £260 on a camera a couple of days ago and still feel a bit anxious about it.
Did you go on holiday? Rent a penthouse and butler? Bathe in asses milk?

Buddahbelly · 19/08/2016 16:51

I think OP most people who I've come across who are very well off, are also very very tight. Speaking from my own experience only but that's often how they are well off as they keep their money close. Your parents sound like this.

Was it just your dads decision to do that or you mums as well, did she even try and speak up for you. If dp tried to do that to ds id tell him to get a grip if we were in a position to help him financially I wouldn't even think twice.

hefzi · 19/08/2016 16:53

You don't actually know, unless they make you privy to their financial arrangements, that they also have cash in the bank to loan you that kind of money on a whim: my parents also look wealthy on the outside, with a house on the market at several million etc - but they have very, very little in the way of liquid assets (and not much more in assets, come to that), and most certainly wouldn't be able to loan me £1300 just like that.

Your car would have depreciated over 2 years, so may no longer have been worth anything like £4500, but presumably your father could only sell it as it was in his name? Or did he, like my mother (twice...) forge your signature to sell it? If it was still in his name, why? Was he still paying the insurance? Was it registered to you at their home, instead of theirs?

And you telling your mother you only have £50 to last two weeks when you have a small child and have chosen to study further smacks of wanting to be offered money: fair enough, but she probably is of the opinion that you've made your choices, and you must take the consequences- you did architecture and the car thing happened five years ago. Now you have a small child, and have chosen to do a Master's degree in a different area completely, within five years maximum of graduation - that's all well and good, but it comes with limitations, as you're finding out.

I don't know why your parents weren't more financially supportive, but YABU if you think they are suddenly going to change now. YANBU to wish it was different - and they were different: but they aren't. If you're struggling, ask directly instead of hinting - and see what response they come back with. What was their excuse when you asked them to help you at university, and explained that SF is predicated on parental support?

FWIW I'd be bloody cross if my daughter below £1300 on a weekend, and even if it was possible, I'd be crabby about lending them the money, as it would imply I hadn't managed to teach her - or she hadn't learned - the value of money at all.

shiteattheseaside · 19/08/2016 16:54

Dont get me wrong - im not sat here going to myself "im sooo hard done by poor me my parents wont give me 1300" - i wouldnt and never would expect them to give me money (and they never have) but now im a parent i just feel like i would have helped a bit! But i do watch my finances and budget like a hawk . But i did then, it was a genuine silly one time mistake and very out of character to even do that. Doh!

OP posts:
BMW6 · 19/08/2016 16:55

I think your parents are doing you a massive favour by making you stand on your own two feet, frankly!

shiteattheseaside · 19/08/2016 16:56

The car was in my dads name (which he never told me) i paid insurance tax and fuel. Also if he had said i wont lend you money its your mistake tut tut i would have accepted that (and yeah to be fair probably would have sold the car to pay for it) but its the giving me a 18th birthday present and then years later taking it back that i feel was the harsh bit rather than the money, if that makes sense?

OP posts:
TheGruffaloMother · 19/08/2016 16:57

I think he taught you a lesson that you very much needed teaching. Most of us have cocked up financially when we're young but few to the tune of £1300, leaving us up shit creek for months. I think most people spending that kind of money are far more careful about doing so and do some basic checks that they can afford it. He presented a practical solution while making it very clear that you couldn't go on a mad one and get bailed out. Because, after all, if you paid him back with your next loan you were just delaying the problem.

springwaters · 19/08/2016 16:57

Retail and sale value. £1300 sounds about right for a car that is 2 years older and has been driven by a new driver. Cars depreciate.

darceybussell · 19/08/2016 16:57

OP often people who are well off are very keen to make sure that their children do not become spoilt. Sometimes they do this to the extent that it seems mean. My parents haven't helped me as much as a lot of my friends, even though they could have done, and sometimes I feel a bit resentful about it. But then I remind myself that it is their money and they are entitled to do as they please with it. And if they had spoiled me as a child and a teenager like some of my friends were spoiled, I would be a very different person now. I'd be a lot less motivated to earn my own money. It feels like they are being very harsh at the time but there is a reason for it.

Having said that the selling of the car after you spent £1,300 in one weekend wasn't that harsh! I think you were asking for that! Wink

PersianCatLady · 19/08/2016 16:58

TBH the way you have written this makes it sound like he didn't take the car back but he sold it ridiculously cheap to give you the money you needed.

However I think I might be misunderstanding the story.

hefzi · 19/08/2016 16:58

I see now what you meant: then I agree - it was poor of him to do that. You choosing to sell the gift because you've screwed up is one thing, but it's not up for someone else to take the decision for you. I wonder too why he left it in his name - so you couldn't sell it, and take the money, perhaps?

Babyzoo · 19/08/2016 16:59

I think yabu sorry.

They bought you a £4500 car! That's one hell of a present. You didn't need it and they were helping you out by giving you a car.

I think it sounds like your mum and dad want you to learn self responsibility. You were really irresponsible and you'd have learnt nothing if they'd just lent you the money.

I imagine that your dad thought that by making you pay your way by giving up your car he was showing you a valuable life lesson.

If you hadn't had your well off parents you'd have had to sell something.

It sounds like you've been brought up well enough to have got into uni so you have your parents in part to thank for that. They're not obliged to give you money.

shiteattheseaside · 19/08/2016 16:59

Fashionably - sounds nice perched up there on your high horse.

Public education, my parents went on holiday with out me, to some amazing places i may add whilst i got dumped with relatives. And like i said, i didnt get any pocket money (im not moaning about that as yes they did provide me with clothing and food , but im sorry i was definatley not spoilt, i had clothes till they literally fell apart)

OP posts:
springwaters · 19/08/2016 17:00

If the car was in his name but you insured it then you must have known that it was in his name. It is one of the very basic insurance questions.

A £4500 18th birthday car doesn't sound like they were very well off, well off of course but very well off would be a new car. £4500 sounds like they had to make a sacrifice to get that car for you.

Babyzoo · 19/08/2016 17:01

Shite going by your last post about them going on holiday without you it sounds as though it's about more than the car Sad

Supernan5 · 19/08/2016 17:07

Out of interest, how did it escape your attention that the car was in your dads name when you taxed, insured and mot'd it for several years? Surely the logbook was in your possession then? Just wondering.

mum2Bomg · 19/08/2016 17:08

It's a bit shitty but then you're very lucky you had an asset you could sell to get you out of the sh*t. I know people who would have no one to help them. And maybe they don't have as much cash as you think...

Whatkindofdayhasitbeen · 19/08/2016 17:10

So for your 18th birthday they didn't buy you a present, they bought themselves a new car & leant it to you. Then when you were 20 they sold their car & gave you £1300. Reading this thread it appears they gave you £1300 for your 18th birthday (very belatedly) but only because you were in a tight spot. Otherwise you wouldn't have been given anything at all. They sound pretty mean tbh. Who arranged your insurance & tax? Was it your father & you just paid it?

TheGruffaloMother · 19/08/2016 17:10

Good question from Supernan...did you not ask your DF why he was receiving the tax reminders if it was your car? Why was the car in his name? There must have been some advantage to this.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 19/08/2016 17:11

There are people that have had a far worse childhood than you and are not bitter and resentful. Not in my wildest dreams would I ever get a car as a birthday present.

Your parents haven't taken your present back, they have gone to the effort of selling it and giving you the money. They have solved your money problems for you and are not expecting that money back.

Try not to feel so sorry for yourself. You're on a poor me trip. They are teaching you that the world doesn't owe you a favour, you might thank them one day. Smile

Dawndonnaagain · 19/08/2016 17:12

I've just got in and as I usually do, gone on to 'Threads I'm on'.
Funny thought I, don't recall posting on that thread.
Stupidly left computer on a it wasn't dds, either. Silly friends of theirs.
I apologise unreservedly.
Those that know me well know that this isn't my type of comment.

Dawndonnaagain · 19/08/2016 17:15

For what it's worth, op, I do think you were badly treated. The cost is not relevant, as we all have differing budgets and that was yours.
I've also seen lots of very well to do families throwing money at their children (ds 2 had a scholarship to an independent). These children were in many ways very deprived, financially wealthy but time, love, positive attention poor.

Fashionablychallenged · 19/08/2016 17:17

I'm not on my high horse. YOU BLEW 1.3K ON A WEEKEND! I've also just read you also have a child. I understand I'm in no position to judge but come on? I have friends who never received a penny from their parents and I have friends who get everything from their parents.

I understand that you needed a release and when I turned 22 I took an impromptu trip to the Netherlands but it only cost me around 400 and I budgeted even though I booked the trip the night before etc. There is no way I'm mature but it seems to me like you're in the same level of maturity. That's whats scary and you have a child!!

Clearly there are other issues of you feeling left out of their life but you have to separate your emotional issues to the circumstantial problem you're in due to your own judgement.

My parents gave me £100 when I turned 18. They are not cheap but poor. A lot of people in this country are on minimum wage or don't earn enough to live on and you were lucky to get the 4.5k car. ... No one forced you to blow 1.3k on that weekend and my opinion is that once you have given birth to a child... Grow the fuck up.

To answer your original post- no your parents are not being unreasonable to sell a car that they bought as a gift to fix your mistake.

HereIAm20 · 19/08/2016 17:18

I am completely lost.

When did the small child appear?

In my head parents buy 2nd hand car for £4.5k for 18th birthday. car just sits on their drive while child is at uni.

Irresponsible student child has wild weekend and spends remainder of loan. Asks for loan which may never be repaid. Parents sell car (which they kept in their name presumably because they know student child is irresponsible) and use proceeds after depreciation to bail student out.

Student child has a child and tries sob story to get cash from parents. Parents may be asset rich and cash poor (as many people are) but student child (with own child) thinks they owe her and she thinks they are unreasonable. Is that it?

onecurrantbun1 · 19/08/2016 17:19

I think your dad was really mean given that the car was a birthday gift. However, at least now you know not to expect anything from them. I think the no help through uni thing is pretty off, too, given that their income would've been used to calculate your loan and grant entitlements.

I can't wait to help our DDs achieve their goals - I think it is deeply sad that they don't want to tbh.

We are financially pretty secure but my DPs love treating us to things because, well, I'm their DD.

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