Aibu to think that if you buy someone a birthday present...you dont then take it back off them?

[shiteattheseaside]

Ok so this will need some background explanation:

1. My mother and father are very very well off (house over a milion, 2 porches, 3 horses)

1. Even though people may make a judgement of what i am going to say, i am the total opposite of a spoilt brat. ..totally on the contrary i have never asked for anything from them, i have bought everything myself from working at 15 and moving out at 18 to uni with pretty much nil help from them (which admittedly i dont expect but indont understand why they dont offer when they are so well off and im struggling tbh)

Ok so, my mum and dad bought me a car for my 18th birthday (seccond hand, but decent little first car, worth about 4500). Jump to me being 20 at uni, i have a rather wild weekend with friends - paid for by my student loan at the time. I had thought i had another installmeny of student loan to do me to the end of the year but i had misscalculated and was basically down of about 1300 ( my fault totally). I spoke to my dad and explained my stupid mistake and asked if he would mind lending me the money (which i would pay back straight away when my next loan/work wage came in in a couple months time) baring in mind this is the first and only time i had ever asked my very wealthy parents for help (i was paying my own accomodation fees, uni fees and had a student loan for living, they helped with literally nothing). My dad then said that he would sell my car to cover the cost to help me out (baring in mind the car was my birthday presblent from 2 years ago and was worth 4500) he sold my car and gave me 1300.

Aibu to think that this was fcking shit of them to do this? Or perhaps they were trying to teach me a lesson? This happened 5 years ago bow but i still dont understand why, when id never asked for help before, they dont help me financially at all since me being 15 and they are extreamly well off?

Bluechip - well aren't you an idiot.

When you say the car is worth £4500 do you mean what your parents paid for it for your 18th? Because the value of cars fall dramatically depending on the age of the car. So two years later you would not get your £4500 back. But depending on the condition you should have gotten more than £1300.

When you say the car is worth £4500 do you mean what your parents paid for it for your 18th? Because the value of cars fall dramatically depending on the age of the car. So two years later you would not get your £4500 back. But depending on the condition you should have gotten more than £1300.

Wonder if she cancelled the cheque?

Advice, go back to the playground and bully people, I don't play your game.

Do you actually talk like that?

Run with the herd or be slaughtered for it.

Is this aimed at the people who agree with the OP or those who disagree? Because you seem to be talking to both. Either way, it's nonsense.

I don't comment here much but feel allot of posters are being very unfair to you OP. At 18 I was sent a £3k credit card & I spent the lot on crap lovely things.. It took me years to pay back. But i learnt my lesson & now don't have any credit & am very good with money. Everyone makes silly mistakes, aslong as you learn from it & don't do it again that's all that matters.

I think your parents sound quite mean/tight & perhaps you feel you weren't loved or treated properly growing up. There's nothing wrong with that. Maybe if you had come here to talk about your upbringing rather than the car posters would have a different view. I don't think you come across as entitled, more just that you would like to be treated as you are loved by your parents. I would like to think most parents would be offering to help their children out if they said they only had £50 to last 2 weeks, I know I would. My mum didn't have much growing up but now she is better off she is always buying my children gifts/clothes/sweets etc. I know if I was short of money she would do her best to help even though I am "grown up". Even if your parents offered to do you a food shop (rather than giving ££) I'm sure that would help. It isn't all about money as im sure you are now aware.

For what it's worth I know allot of very wealthy people & their children have grown up with money then been left to it once an adult. These adults now feel they have to try and keep this lifestyle without the money. One particular couple have a lovely house in a nice area, brand new very expensive car, top of the range phones etc and buy designer clothes. They "look" like an a lister family except the house is rented, car & phones on lease through work & clothes from credit cards.

Anyway I'm waffling, you have done well to get where you are & you should be very proud of yourself & what you have achieved on your own. I think if it was me I would take a back seat from the parents, maybe unfollow on fb so you don't have to see the bragging posts etc. And as a parent I wouldn't have taken the car back, probably lent the money & made sure it was returned monthly or something to teach the lesson.

one you're just laying into the OP for the sake of it there.

Pot. Kettle. Black.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog

disagreeing and presenting my points for that is just a touch different from saying the OP shouldn't be in uni because she has a 1 year old. Worrying that I should have to point that out really.

It's unlikely they are going to help you now if they've never in the past.
Learn the lesson and move on.
You might get it all as inheritance in years to come.

For the 3rd time ive worked through uni, the 1 year off was when i wasnt at uni and only working...the rest of the time i was doing both. If your going to try and rip my story apart, atleast read it.

4500 was how much that was paid for it for my 18th, as a second hand car. It was like new condition, but maybe I've not reaslised how much it has depreciated now.

Op- I think this was rather shitty of your parents. I can't imagine being very wealthy and being unwilling to bail my children out from time to time.

AyeAmarok
I think what a few of us are saying is that the obvious hyperbole may skew the opinions somewhat. As it is all geared to make OP sound better and parents sound worse

No shit Sherlock. . Why do you bother posting on people's theads if you don't believe them?

Wow, remind me never to post a thread on here if these spiteful comments to the OP are anything to go by. Imagine if this was the parents posting:
We're very very well off, big house, cars and horses and have a DD who we never gave pocket money at all, left her with relatives while we jetted off on holiday and she's always worked since the age of 15 and never asked us for a single penny. We never spoiled her or bought lavish gifts at all but for her 18th bought her a 2nd hand car worth £4.5k which meant she could commute home when needed. We kept car in DHs name but DD gave us money for tax and insurance.
Then one wknd she blew £1300 which was totally out of character as she was always very careful before and even paid her own tuition fees etc. She asked for a loan to cover her silly mistake so we decided to sell her car and give her the £1300 instead of lending her the money on this one occasion. Were we BU?
That would have been met with 'so your daughter whose supported herself all this time, who never asked for a penny before, makes one mistake and you think it's a reasonable response? YABU!
OP - yes it was a silly mistake you wouldn't have made again, but your parents sound bloody awful and self centred. X

gruffalo

A few pages ago you were berating the OP for saying 5 years when she meant 7 and claiming nothing made sense despite explanations. Talk about judgemental!

Anyway, I think this thread has made it clear who to avoid on mumsnet.

A few pages ago you were berating the OP for saying 5 years when she meant 7 and claiming nothing made sense despite explanations. Talk about judgemental!

you've got your posters mixed up.

I think your parents were unfair . Why have children if your not going to support and encourage them?
My dad still pays a bit on my mortgage every month so it's over paid and I will be mortgage free earlier , he doesn't have to I don't ask him and he wants to.
He's 70 next year and all he worries about is that my mum and ' his girls' ( me and my sister) are financially secure if anything was to happen to him.
I adore him and he adores me , I'm sad u feel your parents don't adore you in more ways than just money but also time , that makes me sad xx

Since my children's father and I split my eldest son barely has anything to do with me. I still yearn to support him in anyway I can. It hurts badly when he rejects unconditional offers however I make tiny steps to help him and things slowly improve. I have two other sons I also support. I will continue to offer as much as I can to all 3 for as long as I have breath in my body.

Regardless of whatever the full story may or may not be here - I don't care - as parents we should strive to make life easier/better for our offspring however we can.

OP - I am sorry for you that your mother and father appear to have failed you as parents.

Emotions change massively when you become a parent (I know mine did) and OP has obviously had a moment reflecting on how her own parents treated her. Especially when her DH's parents seem so nice.

Ignore the shitty comments OP!

DawnDonna's daughters (and therefore presumably their friends) are adults afaik - so the turn of phrase would be adult. There's no way DawnDonna would ever make a comment that disparaged anyone with any kind of additional need or vulnerability. I assumed there was a hacker at work as soon as I read it.

OP, YANBU. Your parents sound mean and uncaring. I come from a low income family and had the maximum loan. My dad was terminally till by the time I was 18. There's no way they could have bought me a car or anything. But they still helped me wherever the could (buying shopping when they came to visit for eg, or sending me the odd £50 when they had it).

manic

Silly (almost) 20 year olds celebrating exams results!

Dps mother is the warning the ops mother should be looking at in 20 years time.

Dp's parents had an arrangement with dp's grandfather when he offered to pay for their children when they reached 7 years old to be sent away to boarding school.
DMIL thought it was a heaven sent offer. DMIL and FIL went on numerous holidays whilst their dc were all put in separate boarding schools.

After the age of 7, none lived at home again They have all scattered to different parts of the globe. They are all like strangers to each other. Fast forward to now. Dfil died a few years ago. Dm amused herself with bridge and coffee with her friends but as her friends started to die off she now has no one.
Dp is the only one with children. None of the rest have had a gf let alone a family.
Dfil years ago asked if we wanted the same arrangement. I said I couldn't think of anything worse. If I were to go on holiday it would be with my children not without them.
I don't know how to read the situation but dp visited her, the first visit in over 10years, to break the news that he had terminal cancer and the talks ended up about her threatening to go to Switzerland to kill herself. I get the impression and might be wrong but it was like she wanted to be the centre of attention and didn't actually ask over her ds's illness.
Fwiw everyone including dp went off the rails financially after boarding school. I just think it was a reaction to their upbringing.

For what it's worth as parents I really feel if we can't help our children - regardless of the finances.. it's a poor show. I get "teaching a lesson" for the blow out of money..but seriously the undervalue of your car? that's just plain mean..your dad could have handled it so much better, maybe lending you the money with a strict payment plan and hold the car as collateral rather than the extreme action he took. We have all made poor choices and errors with money.

I think you feel bitter because you are still struggling for money and don't feel they are helping you. If I was you, I wouldn't give any information at all regarding you lack of finances.

Now, the tough part.. Put on your big girl pants and forget your parent's finances, your dad didn't take a "present" back..he sold your car to sort out your debt. ( regardless of his fianancial state). Pride yourself in being independent, you are working hard and managing all by yourself with your toddler. A great achievement. Stop thinking about their money and how they should give you some to help you out.

Have you considered your parents may feel you always just want money from them? whether you ask or not, just the fact you imply and mention to them about your money woes? it's not a nice feeling thinking people only want to bother with you to extract money - regardless if you can afford it or not.

If you want a relationship with your parents..try and see them without any mention of money/finances, and enjoy their company, most of all, you will have yourself pride and respect kept in tact.

I know it's hard studying with children, I have just finished my dissertation after 4yrs study and I have 3 DD's..it's been really hard, working and studying and looking after the family.

But it can be done..and you are doing it, being bitter will not help you at all. let it go and take responsibility for yourself, we all make choices and have to live with them.

Your relationship with your parents may well improve..for the record I do think it's harsh, however you have to respect their choice and not allow yourself to be embittered.

I really wish you luck in your studies.. :)

I've never been rich enough to hand out money regularly but if my dc need help I give. After all I had them I put my hand up and said I could do the job. It really doesn't matter how many cars/horses/holidays you have it's just nice to help and bring some relief to your poor dc. The stress involved must be huge for you. If I was your mum I would have sent you a stern text and transferred some money immediately. My school aren't spoils but they know they can rely on me and my hope is that they will do the and thing for their children

I meant my children aren't spoilt. I hope they will do the same for their children. Meanwhile move on honey don't let it wiggle about in your brain too much you've got too many other lovely things to do.

Superwoman- thanyou really appreciate the post x