To drink brake fluid?

[redisthenewblack]

I'm not addicted though, I can stop whenever I want.

Anyone else got a favourite 'dad joke'?

Q) Why was the little strawberry upset?
A) Cos it got stuck in a tart!

I used to love those book ones.

Angry Cat On My Lap by Claud Balls

what do you call a shop lifting dinosaur?

• doyouthinkhesawus

what do you call a shop lifting dinosaurs dog?

• doyouthinkhesawusrex

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil

[Grin]

Why am I laughing so much at cheesy cheese jokes?- Actually snorted at the Halloumi one!

I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.

What is Beethoven’s favorite fruit? A ba-na-na-na.

Grin fail

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom.

Why did the man take a pencil to bed with him?
He wanted to draw the curtains!

A man walks into a bar. Ouch!
A man walks into a curtain bar. Case closed.
A man walks into a baa. Sorry, Shaun!

Knock knock
Who's there?
The interrupting sheep
The interrup--
BAAAAAAAAAA!

Joke teller: I've got a great knock-knock joke. You start
Joke listener: OK, knock knock
Joke teller: Who's there
Joke listener: huh? whaa?

I went to a zoo. It only had one dog. It was a shih tzu.

What's a farmer's favourite chat up joke? I like your stile.

Argh. Chat up line

Knock knock. Who's there? Banana.
Knock knock. Who's there? Banana.
Knock knock. Who's there? Banana.
Knock knock. Who's there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they aaaarrrr

What do you call a huge constipated dinosaur?
Megasorearse

3 lads called Fuck Off, Shit and Manners were walking around town when Shit got run over. Fuck Off ran to the nearest cop and asked for help. The cop asked for his name so the lad said "Fuck Off" and the policeman said "Where's your manners", so Fuck Off said "Round the corner picking up Shit".

3 blokes are stranded on a desert island run by cannibals. They were all granted one wish before they were skinned and a boat made out of it. The first bloke wanted a vat of whiskey, he drank it, was killed and his skin was used to make a boat.
The second asked for a barrel of brandy, got it, drank it and his skin was used to make a boat.
The third asked for a fork. The chief cannibal asked why the bloke wanted a fork, so the bloke started stabbing himself with it and said "You'll not make no feckin canoe outta me".

Two lions walking through town.

One says to the other: "Not many people about today"

Marking place so I can read these to the kids!

ALemonyPea a bloke chucked some cheese at me earlier too! I thought how dairy?!

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsssshhh

This area's getting so violent. Only last week I was in Boots and I punched someone in the face!

What's the difference between a Lada and Kylie Minogue?
You feel more of a tit in a Lada.

Two birds sitting on a perch, one says to the other "do you smell fish?"

What do you call two burglars?
A pair of knickers

Two fish in a tank. One says to the other 'so, how do we drive this then?'

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

What's brown and nutty?
Squirrel shit.

Always have to be told together or the nut one just doesn't have the same effect!

"Guess what?"

"What?"

"Chicken butt" remains one of the stupidest things always guaranteed to make me laugh.