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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect grandparents to prepare a meal if they are babysitting at dinner time

184 replies

ilovemypjs · 17/08/2016 12:16

I have been a sahm for 8 years and returned to work 10 weeks ago. My Mil volunteered to have my kids 1 day a week from after school (she has my youngest all afternoon as he doesnt start nursery until sept) until my partner gets home at about half 6 ( my other 2 shifts i am home in time to cook dinner myself). Every week i leave food that my 12 year old can cook for himself and his brothers as mil wont cook for them. Yesterday i had to do compulsory overtime and asked my mum to have them but it was over dinner time and a lot of fuss was made as she felt what i had left was too time consuming for my 12 to do and let him cook something else and when i queried it with her she got really upset and is now not speaking to me. So really i am just wondering what other people do when family babysit at dinner time?

OP posts:
gamerwidow · 18/08/2016 19:52

My mum would feed dd without me needing to ask. Dd never eats as much as when she is at DMs house. It's harder to get her not to feed her.

Rae1000 · 18/08/2016 19:53

Gosh. Seems strange. On a side note can I ask what you are working as? I am in a similar position (as in not worked in years) & am looking for work too. Thanks

NotMyMoney · 18/08/2016 20:15

I would find it very odd if DM didn't feed my DC Confused if we pop over to hers and if the kids say they are hungry she will offer and make them some food. Every few months she'll have one or all of them overnight and cooks their dinner.

Me and DH are going away next month and the DC are staying at her's for 5 days I'll be doing a food shop for her and giving her some money for them but I would be insulted if she wouldn't feed them once or twice a month.

tiggersreturn · 18/08/2016 20:16

If my dm babysat for me in her house she'd cook. If she babysat in mine she'd check with me what she can cook or ask if i'm leaving something as it's my kitchen and she doesn't know what i might have plans for with my ingredients . With the latter this doesn't stop her bringing a load of lovely fresh fruit and veg because in our culture food =love and a starving dgc is unthinkable.

busyboysmum · 18/08/2016 20:16

My parents and inlaws always cook for my boys when they have them whether they are at our house or theirs. We are all very close. I really appreciate what they do for us. When I would go to my nans house she would always cook for me and I would eat whatever she made. Even when she was in her 90's she loved to cook for me. I think that's very normal.

sexyfish · 18/08/2016 20:21

Well, my parents and in laws don't baby sit my children but if they had volunteered to do this I would expect them to feed them if they were caring for them during a meal time as I would see that as part of caring for the children.

However, if you want to continue to use your MIL/ mother to provide childcare maybe you should leave something microwaveable in future to avoid arguments.

SquidgeyMidgey · 18/08/2016 20:28

When my ILs have my children at mealtimes they cook for them, I don't expect it as such but I know that they do if that makes sense. The first few times it happened I sent portions of food and MIL was affronted and basically told me to piss off sending food, she was quite capable of feeding a child!

TheWindInThePillows · 18/08/2016 20:33

This makes me appreciate my mum so much more, any time the children are with her, which is quite a lot, she and her husband always whip something up, buy in little treats, cook stuff they know the children like.

I have been taking this for granted as something families would do for each other, the idea of sending ready meals over is just unbelievable, unless they couldn't cook/weren't able to cook in which case that would be the most practical solution.

chocolateismyweakness · 18/08/2016 20:44

I'm clearly the minority but I do find it odd that they won't make their grandchildren a meal! my DM and MIL each have my 2 DS a day each a week and sort out all their meals while they have them. Often they make our dinner too Grin they are great and we're very lucky!
Equally though if I have my nephews or friends kids I feed them, it wouldn't cross my mind not to! Any one that is in my house at meal times gets offered a meal, it's just how I was brought up

Whatthefuckis1tnow · 18/08/2016 20:47

I would definitely assume that the adult in charge would prepare a meal in my home or their home if it was over a mealtime. Would find it strange otherwise.

MissSeventies · 18/08/2016 20:54

Yes I would expect the grandparents to prepare a meal. If you have not sent anything will they sit and let them go hungry. When I was 16 I did overnight babysits and I was expected to prepare dinner, food was left, I found nothing unusual about it.

ohdearme1958 · 18/08/2016 20:57

m clearly the minority but I do find it odd that they won't make their grandchildren a meal

I think you'll find your part of the majority. Not the minority.

Emmaroos · 18/08/2016 20:59

I think it's odd for the adult in charge or the host/hostess not to cook for anyone who happens to be in a household at a mealtime.
My Mum happily roots around our fridge freezer to find something to cook for dinner when she looks after my kids. Depending on what it is she might even leave enough for myself and DH as well if we'll be back later. My MIL I'd probably leave food out for just because she's a bit older and not generally as capable as my own Mum., MIL doesn't do anything like the amount of childcare as my Mum does. However, Grandparents owe you nothing when it comes to childcare so they should only do as much as makes them happy and enriches their life (not yours) and it's worth having a good understanding of what they find taxing and what they enjoy (2 hrs for MIL, an uninterrupted weekend with the kids for My Mum). My Granny always gave me dinner as a child though though, so we have form as a family for close and helpful grandparental relationships, and also for taking very good care of those same grandparents when the time comes that they need it. These things work two ways.

caramac04 · 18/08/2016 21:01

I'm a Granny. I do childcare. My Dd's often provide food but I often cook for the little peeps. I might be a Granny but I'm still a Mum and think it is normal to feed my family. Why would a grandparent not cook/assist/supervise their grandchild a meal? (options relate to age of child)

Aeroflotgirl · 18/08/2016 21:01

Yes I would expect a child to be fed over mealtimes. How difficult is it for them to prepare beans on toast, or an omlette, or something.

dailymaillazyjournos · 18/08/2016 21:15

Unless said grandchild had allergies I'd be offended if they were sent with food or food was provided. Maybe it's a cultural thing but I always cook for any family who are in my house at mealtime or have meals frozen that can be defrosted.

cheval · 18/08/2016 21:42

I cannot imagine having a stranger's children in my house, let alone my own children or grandchildren, where I didn't provide food for them. Must be the Irish in me. But the thought of a mature woman or man standing back and letting a 12 year old deal with it all slightly shocks me.

ThisIsPlanetEarth · 18/08/2016 21:59

YANBU I think. My DM watches my DSis children twice a week, insists on taking mine as well sometimes and always feeds them. I tell her not to bother but she always does it and trys to feed me as well and wants to send food back for DH too! If my DSis children were at my house I would feed them and DS would feed my DC too, its no big deal. My MIL, who rarely did any child care and hated cooking was still able to stick something in the oven for them. Don't see what the big deal is with feeding a few kids once a week but that's just my opinion! I remember going to my gran's, you were sat at the table, the kettle was put on and you were always given something to eat. I'm having some lovely memories of her delicious home baking now!

embo1 · 18/08/2016 22:17

I absolutely would expect a grandparent to make sure my son had a meal if they were looking after him at dinner time. Like if they had him overnight, I'd expect them to make sure he went to bed.
That's my 2p's worth!

pamhill64 · 18/08/2016 22:40

Sounds like you have a lot of balls up in the air and juggling isn't easy. Have you thought of using a slow cooker and then reheating as suggested? Can even mix pasta in things like bolognaise sauce which reheats well in the microwave. Simply prepare meal the night before and then pop it in the slow cooker next morning for a hot meal at teatimes. Also look on Pinterest for freezer/dump meal ideas so you basically spend a few hours doing a week/months meals. Saves time and stress for you. 💐

rubia · 18/08/2016 22:50

My kids are currently staying with inlaws and I assume they are being fed! If they were doing childcare at our house I would leave food/ meal suggestion but they need to eat themselves so I would have thought they would have cooked for everyone.

Smurfit · 18/08/2016 23:12

If I babysit for one of my sisters, the usually have something waiting to be heated up in the oven for all of us (feeding me is our agreed 'payment').

If I have the kids at my house, I cook and feed them at my own expense (since usually I've invited them). Sometimes I'll ask the older kids to help with bits and pieces.

When my parents have the kids, same system applies. If it's in the kids' own home, then the prepared meal is usually supplied and waiting to be cooked and if at the gp's home, then food is all provided and cooked.

kateandme · 19/08/2016 02:07

i feel at a total loss.the posts that are saying about grandparents being sent with meals to make,or youd provide money/meals.when my grandparents looked after us/ours we would be given our meals no questions asked.it wouldn't even be something we would need to discuss.they were my grandparents.and then passed down they were my parents they would see it as a given that they would all eat together later,cook together or they would definitely provide the food too.and I cant get my head around even needing to think about this.sometimes I might provide food or a ready meal but only as a kind thing or helpful thing if I had time or want to.but it wouldn't be expected of me to do so.my kids love mcains microwave chips at grandmas.the little metal bowls they have grandmas cornflakes in.the horrible white cabbage!!
they would have fried egg and ham,chicken stew and pearly barley.turnovers.a broad spectrum but it would just be.

thedogstinks · 19/08/2016 04:18

My mum would've looked at me as if I was mad if I came with a separate meal for the kids.

Sometimes I'd say I'd pick up fish and chips on the way home so she needn't bother but preparing food for your family when they stay is normal for us.

When she came to ours, I'd have something prepared for everyone.

miserablesod · 19/08/2016 06:31

My mum would also cook if looking after my children over mealtimes, not that i've asked her often tbh.

I would like to think as a grandparent i would do the same!