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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect grandparents to prepare a meal if they are babysitting at dinner time

184 replies

ilovemypjs · 17/08/2016 12:16

I have been a sahm for 8 years and returned to work 10 weeks ago. My Mil volunteered to have my kids 1 day a week from after school (she has my youngest all afternoon as he doesnt start nursery until sept) until my partner gets home at about half 6 ( my other 2 shifts i am home in time to cook dinner myself). Every week i leave food that my 12 year old can cook for himself and his brothers as mil wont cook for them. Yesterday i had to do compulsory overtime and asked my mum to have them but it was over dinner time and a lot of fuss was made as she felt what i had left was too time consuming for my 12 to do and let him cook something else and when i queried it with her she got really upset and is now not speaking to me. So really i am just wondering what other people do when family babysit at dinner time?

OP posts:
charlestonchaplin · 17/08/2016 16:08

Actually BadTaste I'm not, because I wasn't brought up in the U.K. by parents who cosseted me and wiped my bum until shortly before they kicked me out of home aged 18 as an adult.

I didn't learn to cook early though I considered it a failing since my cousins were cooking from about 12. I did have to do all my own laundry from the time I started at secondary school aged 10 and a half, since I had to do it all at school. By hand. Including white bedsheets (inspected six days a week) and towels.

I don't think all kids need to do the same. It was another time and place and there are probably more productive ways to use their time and energy, but the point is, there are different ways of doing things. Why do people have to settle for the lowest standards possible, or do things the way other people do?

How many GPs are providing care they don't feel up to providing or don't want to out of pressure? How many of them would prefer for the parent to leave a prepared meal but don't because of negative reactions? Why must you prescribe what constitutes acceptable practice for every grandparent? It is normal on Mumsnet for people to provide childcare on their own terms but GPs are excluded from that. Why?

charlestonchaplin · 17/08/2016 16:09

but don't say

Iloveowls2 · 17/08/2016 16:09

If the babysitting was done at GP house I would find it beyond bizzare that they wouldn't provide a meal tbh. But then we don't use GP for childcare except maybe 1xper year as I think GC should be fun not a burden. Surely you had something easy in the house the GP could have rustled up in an emergency eg beans on toast. If the GP hadn't got the nouse to feed your kids in an emergency I would be seriously considering whether they are suitable for repeat childcare. We've looked after friends kids before and wouldn't have crossed my mind they would have provided food.

veryproudvolleyballmum · 17/08/2016 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sofabitch · 17/08/2016 16:14

I think you need to set the agreement up with clear expectations on both sides. Thst way there csn be no confusion.

My mum picks the children uo from school and cooks dinner for everyone. She offered. Tbh I'd find it a total pita if she didn't and it would he easier to find a childminder or use the after school club that does provide dinner. I am not organised enough to prepare prepare meals 5 days a week.

Sometime I think mumsnet people expect us all to be super human and live in a reality that just doesn't exist.

FYI Mondays in my house is do it yourself and my 11 year old always cooks for himself.

Coconut0il · 17/08/2016 16:17

I'm with you OP. It wouldn't even occur to me that any of the grandparents wouldn't feed my DS's if they had them over a meal time.
I would offer to get something ready but I'm sure they would all say no and get something ready themselves.
The first few responses really surprise me and make me feel very lucky.

charlestonchaplin · 17/08/2016 16:26

veryproudvolleyballmum I don't know if you are referring to my post. I was trying to make the point that why would you change what has been working very well for you just because of what other people do. Why would you make extra work for your dad just because of what randoms on the Internet say when your system has been working? Despite my harsh language you do seem to agree with me. I didn't mean to upset you but I did mean to give you a virtual shake. I am just not very good at being mealy mouthed.

e1y1 · 17/08/2016 16:30

Eh?

We have the grandkids pretty much 3 out of 4 weekends a month (sometimes for work, others just to have them).

We don't only prepare all their meals, we shop and pay for it too.

These are your grandchildren. Really odd that some won't even prepare a meal for their own grandchildren.

veryproudvolleyballmum · 17/08/2016 16:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PersianCatLady · 17/08/2016 16:37

i have gone back to work due to lack of money that would def annoy her
The way you have worded that sounds like something I would say as I don't want to annoy my parents but recently in order to move on and take charge in my life and do what I want to do I have realised that at 37 I need to stop worrying about what my parents think. It is hard but it is possible.

KP86 · 17/08/2016 16:48

If my parents were providing regular child care I would absolutely expect that they prepared dinner as part of that. And they would expect to be doing it and happy to do so.

I think that's a bit crazy, they are grandparents, not some random stranger.

You have provided the ingredients, how much effort is it (if the 12yo can do it) to cook it up?

I'm a bit ShockHmm, but as always, it's whatever works in your family rather than what we would do in ours...

SparkleSoiree · 17/08/2016 16:50

I'm speechless at how many posters seem to think 12yr olds shouldn't be preparing a meal for themselves/the family.

I was preparing food under supervision at 8 yrs old as were my siblings and on my own at 10yrs old, as were my siblings. The same approach was taken in relation to the washing machine, household chores and ironing. It was part of us learning independence and confidence in looking after ourselves.

I have done the same with my children.

Getting back to the OP's query, when parents are giving free childcare I never assume anything else. If my mum comes over I ensure food is available beforehand or money for a takeaway. My thinking is they are giving up their free time to babysit for me so I want to make it as easy as possible on her, after all she has s life outside my family unit too.

RiverTam · 17/08/2016 16:53

So you don't think that she wants to spend time with *her own family^ then?

Memoires · 17/08/2016 16:54

My mum, and MIL, both cooked for dd when they had her over mealtimes. MIL generally did fishfingers, and mum just gave dd whatever she was having herself.

When she was being weaned I left food for her. MIL would generally object to it, and give dd the emergency pot of babyfood I always had in the cupboard. DRove me bonkers! There's some lovely, fresh, lovingly prepared food, just there, which I had clearly only done so MIL could practise her bin-tipping skills Grin

KP86 · 17/08/2016 16:55

e1y1, I agree with you. And that's how my parents would feel too. Spending time with their GC is a privilege.

Mycraneisfixed · 17/08/2016 16:56

I have my DGS Mon to Thurs after school and always provide a meal. Anytime I have any of the DGC and it's a meal time or snack time I provide it.
I'm amazed that anyone thinks that's odd!!!
I love all my DC and DGC and it's just what families do, take care of each other.
I think your 12yo DS is to be praised for cooking for himself and his brothers.

Tryingtostayyoung · 17/08/2016 17:02

I can see I'm totally in the minority but if my P or PIL were looking after DD they would do her dinner without a thought and I find it odd that grandparents wouldn't be happy to just whip something quick up

Mouseinahole · 17/08/2016 21:35

My dd batch cooks every weekend and freezes the meals for the week so she takes a portion out in the morning and it has defrosted for me to heat and serve after school. Obviously I cook pasta or rice as appropriate.
If there're wasn't anything left I would cook for the boys of course.

FithColumnist · 17/08/2016 21:56

This is clearly a weird English cultural thing. When I was a kid, I literally would not be allowed to leave my grandmother's care without her cooking something for me to eat. To be honest, I'm still not, and I'm now 32. Confused

ChoudeBruxelles · 17/08/2016 21:58

I actually don't think it's unreasonable to think that their grand parents might cook for them. Not a gourmet meal but surely putting something simple in the oven isn't too much trouble.

Willberry · 17/08/2016 22:11

WTF when I was a teenager and babysitting over meal times I was expected to prepare meals for the kids both lunches and dinners! I wouldn't have thought twice about expecting the kids to be fed.

Isetan · 18/08/2016 05:55

It really doesn't matter what we think, we aren't the ones looking after your children. The obvious comprimise is that you leave pre-prepared food that requires minimal time and effort for your son. This is the price for having your MIL provding childcare and given the cost of childcare, it's not a particularly high one.

With a little bit of planning you can feed your children cheaper nutritional meals - a win win situation.

DorothyHarris · 18/08/2016 17:37

fifth columnist this is the the ad my DGM, she still offers me meals when I'm there at mealtimes and I'm 30, she has done all of my life. Often stretching the meal with other picky bits if one of us turned up unannounced and never once grumbled or complained.

Craigie · 18/08/2016 17:40

If it's in your house, you should leave an easy meal for your kids & your parents, if it's in their house, I'd expect them to cook.

Porg · 18/08/2016 17:43

To be honest all three sets of my kids grandparents are pretty piss poor when it comes to the grandparents role but food was never an issue. They wouldn't play with the grandkids but would definitely cook for them. In fact overfeeding would be more of an issue.

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