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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want my mil at the birth and pick my dad over her?

544 replies

dfelix990 · 14/08/2016 11:45

hi all so basically my mum is no longer with me she passed away when i was 11 so i became extremely close to my dad who acted as my mum and dad.

im not that close to mil i mean i do like her but we arent that close, but she recently spoke to me about being at the birth and that as my mum isnt around she assumes shell be there. i said that im really sorry but i want my dad there, she started saying that was bizarre and she should have been the second choice as she is the 2nd grandmother. dh seems to think she has a point about being the 2nd grandmother.

aibu to have my dad there over her?

OP posts:

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rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 14/08/2016 12:53

How lovely to hear about a dad who's had such a strong parenting role in your life that he's the one you want most now! So many women on MN struggling with partners and exes who are very minimal parents, its lovely that there are the brilliant ones out there like your dad too. It sounds like you're thinking your OH may need propping up or not be that supportive for you on the day so absolutely right to take the person you know will be committed to being there for you. The whole point of a birthing partner is to help and support the labouring woman.

MiL - it's an incredibly special experience to see a family baby born, but she's thinking about her getting that experience and pushing for her 'rights' to try and get it, instead of seeing this about helping you in labour. Stuff that. The labour and birth is about helping you get safely through to the baby in your arms. MiL's role starts after that point. Your OH needs to get a grip, there are no 'rights' of any kind involved. He doesn't even have the 'right' to be there unless you want him because he's a comfort and support for you.

Talk to your midwife, she will likely tell OH like it is. And at worst, all you will need to do is tell the team at hospital who and who isn't allowed in and they'll keep MiL at bay until you're ready to introduce her to the baby.

Reboot.... I can only hope you're not on duty any time I'm in labour, I'm sure I'd irritate and annoy you as much as many labouring women appear to.

YouMakeMyDreams · 14/08/2016 12:54

three my apologies. I picked it up incorrectly. I was typing seeing red after the immature and spoilt comment from another poster

Gowgirl · 14/08/2016 12:55

I had my mum with me for my first, I was terrified and i needed her.....take your dad op!

HopperBusTicket · 14/08/2016 12:57

You know what, it wouldn't even matter if it was a sign of being 'young, immature or spoiled' to have your parent at the birth (and I don't think it does mean those things) if it helps the woman actually having the baby and therefore helps the baby too. They are really the only people who matter in the whole business.

OP - you are under no obligation to have your MIL there. Politely tell her and your DP that you need to feel relaxed and the people you want there are your DP and your dad. I suggest having an honest chat with your DP first so he is onside and can back you up with your MIL. She will have lots of opportunities to be a grandmother once the baby is actually here.

I only had my DP and if I couldn't have had him I probably I would have chosen my sister but not my parents and not my ILs - I would have rather been on my own. I love them but as mentioned above I would have preferred strangers at my birth. But that would have been MY choice, no one else's.

leopardgecko · 14/08/2016 12:58

I work on a maternity ward and it is uncommon where i am to have anyone other than your partner. Unless you are really young, immature or a bit spoilt.

Being there with my daughter and her partner, as she gave birth to my grandson was the most magical, wonderful moment of my life. In the hours before that I believe my presence was a help and support to both parents. (We adopted my daughter as a baby and therefore I had not witnessed a birth before). I am so glad she was not on your maternity ward where she would have been judged as being young, immature and a bit spoilt. Your words are amongst the most judgmental and unpleasant words I have read on here. Awful and disgusting, you should be ashamed - do your colleagues know you feel this way?

OP, your Dad and your relationship sound wonderful. I am sure he will be of great support to you, and like me will treasure the moments you spent together in this way. Make sure you stick to your guns!!!!

badg3r · 14/08/2016 12:59

Aside from all the other stuff said upthread, I find it very odd that your mil expected to be asked. If my DS's partner was having a baby I would feel extremely uncomfortable with being there!!

KurriKurri · 14/08/2016 13:00

There is surely no debate here. No one gets to invite themselves to your birth - you choose. The only person who is entitled to be there is you. And after that it is whoever you feel would support you most and who you choose to share this experience with.

I have a DIL I wouldn't dream of suggesting I had a right to be there if she has a baby. What nonsense, and I totally appreciate she may want her own mum there - it's not a competition, it's everyone respecting that what matters is the well being of the mother at this time and what makes her feel most supported. And that will also be to the benefit of the baby.

Comments from a midwife that are really judgemental and unfeeling make me worried. Midwives are also an invited guest to a natural event - there to assist support the mother.

It's a privilege not a position of power from which you can make pronouncements on how women should behave in labour and what family members they should have to support them.

Pearlman · 14/08/2016 13:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ssd · 14/08/2016 13:02

I must be weird as I hardly even wanted dh at the birth the first time and definitely as little as possible the second!

when I'm in pain I hate an audience and people fussing over me, I just wanted any medical staff who were present and myself getting on with it

but to answer your op, of course its up to yourself and if you want your dad there and hes happy to be there than thats all that matters, your MIL will just have to understand and support your decision

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 14/08/2016 13:03

OP your MIL sounds extremely presumptuous and thinks she has the right to usurp your absent mother's place. The bloody nerve! "She has a point"? No, she bloody well does not!

Be warned: this is precisely the kind of person who will barge her way into your room when the time comes so tell the midwives that you don't want any random people turning up for the birth who aren't either your father or your OH.

Becky546 · 14/08/2016 13:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

n0ne · 14/08/2016 13:05

I didn't want anyone there but DH, and that's what we did. It's an intensely private and undignified experience that I certainly didn't want an audience for. Since when did people feel entitled to be there for such a thing?!

timelytess · 14/08/2016 13:07

Goodness.
Firstly, your mother in law. No, she can't come to the birth. She doesn't have a 'right' to be there and she can't invite herself. Just say no.
Secondly, you don't need to have anyone there if you don't want them. Just you and the medics will be fine.
Thirdly, your dad. Well, personally, I wouldn't want my dad looking up my chuff but if you're ok with that and he'd be a positive presence (not fainting or needing his hand holding) then by all means go ahead. I'm sure he'd love it, in the nicest possible way, to be there when his grandchild comes into the world. Its sounds a very loving thing to do, if you're all comfortable with it.
If I could do it again, I'd sack my then-husband from the room. He was no use at all and it changed the nature of our relationship. Just me and the staff. And I'd go home from hospital in a few hours rather than having to fight my way out on day three.
Good luck, OP. Do it your own way.

dibs1973 · 14/08/2016 13:07

Do whatever feels right for you. I had DH and sister, hubby can't stand hospitals and knew he would panic if anything went wrong, which it did! Sister was a calming influence and kept him focused, so my labour although worrying was a relaxed, calm experience.

diddl · 14/08/2016 13:08

I also think that it's unusual to have anyone but the father to be there.

I think it's really odd of your MIL to assume that your mum would have been there & that since she won't be then MIL takes her place.

Odd also that your husband thinks she has a point imo.

It's up to you!

TheCrowFromBelow · 14/08/2016 13:09

reboot you sound immature and inexperienced TBH.
Empathy is needed on a maternity ward. I'm guessing you have probably not given birth yourself.
OP if you want your Dad there take him along!

Narnia72 · 14/08/2016 13:10

Giving birth is a hell of a lot better if you feel supported by whoever is with you. I thought a great deal about my birth partners, I knew that OH would be great but struggle with seeing me in pain and so I chose to have my sister and a doula for my first and second births. For my third birth neither that would or my sister available so I asked a v close friend as I had felt so well supported before. It doesn't work, I felt uncomfortable with her seeing me naked and vulnerable and I wish I hadn't had her there.

Have your dad (who sounds lovely btw) if you feel he will add support. If he can't be there for any reason only ask people you feel 100% comfortable with. This is clearly not your MIL.

Reboot - I'm not young, immature or spoilt. I did a lot of research before my first birth, reading the likes of Michel Odent and Ina May Gaskin. There is a huge amount of research out there to show that women labour better when they have supportive birth partners, and this is not always or only the father. Perhaps it would help you in whatever your role is on a maternity ward to read some of this literature. Even if you don't agree with it, at least you might understand a bit more and modify your disdainful attitude towards some of your labouring mothers.

rollonthesummer · 14/08/2016 13:10

She is being very unreasonable and your husband isn't helping.

It's about you and what you want she you are in labour, not her! Did she have her mother in law at her births??

I would be having stern words with your DH. He needs to tell her this.

Werkz · 14/08/2016 13:10

Ffs, the "point and shriek" on MN gets worse by the week.

Just because someone has a different opinion to you that you don't agree with doesn't mean you can go around telling them to "think about their language" in some superior manner and labelling them "vile".

Some of you don't realise you come across like a mere lace away from a pair of jack boots.

ssd · 14/08/2016 13:10

your relationship with your dad sounds really lovely op, by all means have him there is you want, he sounds great

leopardgecko · 14/08/2016 13:12

Reboot I actually think it's worse that you're talking about actual patients on your ward and not the OP. You have a duty of care to them. I'm making an assumption you're clinical here (may be wrong of course) but seriously is there nothing in your training about respecting women and their choices for childbirth? You're just sat on the sidelines judging who you think is immature. Ugh.

If I knew who Reboot was in real life I would be reporting her to her employer. It is horrific that someone with such judgmental views is allowed anywhere near a maternity ward. And I am concerned that young mothers to be reading your words, who are neither immature or selfish, believe that staff on the maternity wards are judging them in this way. Your words could do a huge amount of damage Reboot and you should be totally ashamed of yourself. I am sickened by your words.

I hope someone does know who you are in real life so your views can be reported to your employers, so you can never go near a maternity ward again.

0nTheEdge · 14/08/2016 13:12

I think it's weird your mil assumed she'd be there to be honest. How presumptive!! Your dh might just be being a bit oblivious, just put it to him as calmly as possible that it's your choice who is there to support you whilst you give birth. As others have said, it's not a spectator sport. Your dad sounds great and from what you've said of your relationship, he sounds like he'll make the perfect birthing partner. I had dh and dm at both of my births as dh is a fainter with blood and needles. Although he actually did great the first time, I still had my mum there the second time as she held my hand and kept me company whilst i was stitched up and dh held the baby. Do what works for you, stick to your guns with no guilt as you are so NBU. Also, bear in mind mil might be a little pushy after the birth too so it's a good idea to start setting boundaries now. Good luck OP.

inlectorecumbit · 14/08/2016 13:12

I honestly think it is lovely that you want your DF there. He has seen and supported you through the difficult teenage.
Having him there will be such an honour for him.
Well done OP for bucking the trend...

Narnia72 · 14/08/2016 13:13

Sorry for typos, hopefully you get the drift! I decided not to have my mum as she had had very traumatic birth experiences and it would have been stressful for both of us. It would have been a cold day in hell before I had my MIL there!

diddl · 14/08/2016 13:15

"I would be having stern words with your DH"

Is he likely to be on the phone to MIL as soon as you go into labour so that everything is "fair"?

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