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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my mil at the birth and pick my dad over her?

544 replies

dfelix990 · 14/08/2016 11:45

hi all so basically my mum is no longer with me she passed away when i was 11 so i became extremely close to my dad who acted as my mum and dad.

im not that close to mil i mean i do like her but we arent that close, but she recently spoke to me about being at the birth and that as my mum isnt around she assumes shell be there. i said that im really sorry but i want my dad there, she started saying that was bizarre and she should have been the second choice as she is the 2nd grandmother. dh seems to think she has a point about being the 2nd grandmother.

aibu to have my dad there over her?

OP posts:
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Original poster
dfelix990 · 14/08/2016 11:54

Gazelda he would love to be there and cried when i asked him :) if he changed his mind i have no idea how ill stop them from assuming

OP posts:
Threesoundslikealot · 14/08/2016 11:55

It's a completely personal choice, and no one else's experiences are relevant really. Plenty of research shows that having another woman present at a birth can make it all easier (various better outcomes) which is why people use doulas, have supportive female relatives there etc. In years gone by, a labouring woman would probably have been surrounded by familiar, experienced women. However, if you're close to and trust your dad, and would feel better for having him, then why not him?

The worst possible option is to have anyone there you don't really want. That inhibits all your good hormones and raises adrenaline, so labour can stall or stop. Don't be talked into having your mil there for her sake.

ComedyWing · 14/08/2016 11:55

No reason at all not to have your father there if that is what you would like - but likewise, if you are only having him because you feel pressured into it by your MIL assuming she would be there, feel free to have neither. You are the person who needs the support here - think only of your own needs and wishes, and don't for a moment feel you need to 'compensate' to either your DF or MIL for them not being there.

As I said on the other thread, no one I know has had a parent with them for their labours - I'm always surprised other people regard this as quite a usual thing.

blueturtle6 · 14/08/2016 11:55

Pregnancy and childbirth is about your body and should be what you want, time for equality of grandparents is after child is born.

Mishegoss · 14/08/2016 11:56

You want your dad there so it's decided. Don't let anyone bully you into changing your mind for them. You need to feel comfortable and know you have the support you need.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 14/08/2016 11:56

You're the one giving birth.
Your upbringing makes it clear that you are very close to your dad.
How does your dad feel about being there?

DartmoorDoughnut · 14/08/2016 11:56

I had my DM there, she wanted to be and I wasn't that bothered if she was or not, she didn't see the birth as it ended with an EMCS but seeing as labour was 2 days it was quite handy having 2 adults around so they could have breaks whilst I never had to be alone!

If you're comfortable with having your dad there then go for it, your body, your labour, your choice.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 14/08/2016 11:57

ExH couldn't understand why I wouldn't have his mum there when I gave birth.

I believe I yelled

"DO YOU REALLY THINK I WANT YOUR MUM TO SEE ME WITH MY TWAT POURING WITH BLOOD WHILE I'M NAKED AND SCREAMING AND SHITTING MYSELF YOU DICKHEAD???"

He didn't suggest it again.

Ed1tY0urPr0f1le · 14/08/2016 11:58

The birth is about you (not whoever is whatever relation to the baby!) so have whoever you want there.

The actual bit where the baby pops out is a tiny, tiny part of the whole experience! So, if you feel your Dad would be a supportive presence and help to you during the potentially long hours of labour, then have him (he sounds lovely btw!)

Mil can visit the baby afterwards.

I just had DH and had a secret back up plan that, if he couldn't be there for whatever reason I would have called close friend as I wouldn't have been keen on my Mum, Dad or mil being there! It's totally dependent on your relationship and who you feel you want to be there. Don't be bulldozed as you will remember your baby's birth for the rest of your life!

RebootYourEngine · 14/08/2016 11:59

I work on a maternity ward and it is uncommon where i am to have anyone other than your partner. Unless you are really young, immature or a bit spoilt. This is only my experience though.

omri · 14/08/2016 11:59

You're the one giving birth- you choose who you want to be there to support you. End of discussion.
Personally I didn't want anyone but my partner there. Don't know anyone who has wanted a parent there at the birth of their baby except my sister who was giving birth at 17 and had the father and out mum there. Although she ended up with an emergency caesarean so our mum bowed out and let the father be there for the pivotal moment but was there in the background for support as needed.

ItWentInMyEye · 14/08/2016 12:01

You want your dad there, you've asked him, he's said yes.... Sounds sorted to me! Smile Your MIL can assume all she wants, its not up to her. My MIL never even mentioned being at any of my births, but she knew I didn't want my own mum there so maybe thats why. Be clear about what/who you want and that theres no negotiating over who's going to be there. It's not a competition over 1st/2nd grandma, you're giving birth!

Original poster
dfelix990 · 14/08/2016 12:01

its the whole way they can support you through the contractions.

immature or a bit spoilt???

OP posts:
PizzzaTheHutt · 14/08/2016 12:02

I would have neither!
Only wanted Dh there - yours will be fine!

FadedRed · 14/08/2016 12:03

YOUR choice, based solely on who YOU want to SUPPORT YOU through your labour.
It's about YOU.
It's NOT about what your MIL wants or assumes 'is right, bizarre (stuff that comment!) or anything else.
Like Chippednailvarnishing says, your DF probably was there when you were born, and looked after you as a baby and a child. Perfectly natural choice, especially when your Mum is no longer here Flowers.
Remind MIL (nicely but assertively) that this is YOUR choice, not hers.
Hope everything goes well for you.

Mummyme87 · 14/08/2016 12:04

I had my OH only. He was prepared for what was to come and my advocate. i would have hated my mam there, and even more so MIL. Defo not my dad 😳

Im however it is your birth and your choice. Have who you want. Some places only allow one or two birth partners. Most women have just one

dangerrabbit · 14/08/2016 12:04

OP it's entirely your choice who you have at your birth and of course you should invite your dad if he makes you feel most comfortable. Your MIL can meet the kid once it's born.

PizzzaTheHutt · 14/08/2016 12:04

It's your birth though, so totally your choice.

Original poster
dfelix990 · 14/08/2016 12:04

to be fair my dad has spoken to me about periods, puberty, everything when i was a teen he was there for me about boyfriends, let me cried on him, i dont know, we are just so close and i wouldnt feel awkward iyswim

OP posts:
Arfarfanarf · 14/08/2016 12:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

omri · 14/08/2016 12:05

MilkTwoSugars that's the exact thought I had when I read the op. I couldn't bear to have parents or parents in law witnessing all the mess and sweat and cursing and screaming (including a bit of poo that dp was delighted to tell me about Hmm) that took up most of my labours!

I was of course thrilled to see them all for the hospital visits the next day with my hair brushed and bit of make up on and a clean nighty!!

MargaretCavendish · 14/08/2016 12:07

I work on a maternity ward and it is uncommon where i am to have anyone other than your partner. Unless you are really young, immature or a bit spoilt.

Gosh, I would have thought working on a maternity ward was quite busy but apparently you get plenty of time to judge the patients? Good to know.

Cheby · 14/08/2016 12:07

YADNBU. What kind of entitled twat just assumes they are going to attend a birth, any birth?!

The birth is about you. This is your experience, you are the only one pushing a baby out of your body and as a result you are the one in charge. Everyone else can go jump. Do exactly what you want.

And your dad sounds awesome, btw.

Mycatsabastard · 14/08/2016 12:07

I think it's absolutely lovely that you and your dad have such a good relationship that you want him there to support you. There's nothing wrong with him being there, he will be much calmer than your dh I'm sure, who will probably be a bit overwhelmed if this is a first baby.

Your mil needs to understand what others have said on here, that it's about support for you and really, unless you choose to be on OBEM then it's not a spectator sport but a very private and intensely emotional moment.

I think that giving birth, you either want someone very close to you or a complete stranger (nurse/midwife) who you will never see again.

Years ago you just went in and had the baby and no one came in with you I don't think, except your mum and a midwife. Now it seems to be advancing rapidly into a 'baby party' with every relative in the family demanding to have front row seats to peer up your fanjo while you scream your head off. Lovely :o

Cheby · 14/08/2016 12:09

RebootYourEngine Christ I hope you're not clinical with that attitude. Does your employer know about your disgusting judgemental attitude?