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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my mil at the birth and pick my dad over her?

544 replies

dfelix990 · 14/08/2016 11:45

hi all so basically my mum is no longer with me she passed away when i was 11 so i became extremely close to my dad who acted as my mum and dad.

im not that close to mil i mean i do like her but we arent that close, but she recently spoke to me about being at the birth and that as my mum isnt around she assumes shell be there. i said that im really sorry but i want my dad there, she started saying that was bizarre and she should have been the second choice as she is the 2nd grandmother. dh seems to think she has a point about being the 2nd grandmother.

aibu to have my dad there over her?

OP posts:
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Wheelerdeeler · 14/08/2016 12:09

This reply has been deleted

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April241 · 14/08/2016 12:10

Entirely up to you OP, your body, your birth, your choice :). As others have just said call the hospital you'll be at and double check how many partners you're allowed as some only allow one. I don't think there's anything immature about wanting support during your labour, you haven't asked the entire family and your friends to come. Do whatever you're comfortable with.

Threesoundslikealot · 14/08/2016 12:15

Reboot what an unpleasant comment, especially to someone who has said they want their father there to support them. Women do best when they have who they want with them to labour. That's a proven fact. It's very sad to think of the women who end up having a materially worse time because they feel obliged to have just an unsupportive partner with them, either through hospital rules or pressure from others.

I very much hope no one is reading this and feels pressure from your comment not to ask whoever they want to be with them at a birth. It's an artificial social construct to have the father and no other familiar person with us. Plenty of women are happy with that; others aren't, and judging them is unpleasant.

I was happy to have my partner but I also knew I'd be labouring with familiar and supportive midwives around. Had I not been confident of that, I would have got a doula, as the extra support was invaluable.

Arfarfanarf · 14/08/2016 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ineedwine99 · 14/08/2016 12:16

You call the shots on this one, it's entirely your call not your partners. I had my baby on Monday and can safely say I would never have wanted my in laws with me and I am very close to mine, it's such a personal experience you need those closest to you who make you feel comfortable. I had just my husband.
Congratulations and all the best Flowers

Afreshstartplease · 14/08/2016 12:17

I had not realised how uncommon this is

Op similar situation to you and I made the same choice! Do not regret it at all!

Pearlman · 14/08/2016 12:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Amy214 · 14/08/2016 12:18

I had my mum with me (couldn't have my dad there i'm not that close to him) my exp was there but he was useless! My mum was great and the perfect support for me. She was there the whole time and never left my side (exp kept walking out and disappearing for hours)

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 14/08/2016 12:18

Unless you're Anne Boleyn or similar you can choose who will be with you.

Must admit my dad won't be my first choice, then again he does go ill at the sight of blood , but it's your delivery.

YouMakeMyDreams · 14/08/2016 12:19

I was neither young, immature or spoilt and my mum was there 2 out of 3 births. My dad was around for some of the labour with ds1 but left to go and look after Dd. I don't see how having someone no matter who that is that you feel will be a good support to you and your dh is a problem.
I'm actually astounded at how bloody rude some of these people are. Why should she pay a doula when both she the woman having the baby and her father are happy with the arrangement.
Incidentally exmil was in the room when ds2 was born. We weren't particularly close usually but I didn't dislike her either it was a home birth and she was actually a great help. She offered to leave but I told her she could stay. Because well it easy up to me who was in the room at the end of the day.

sexyfish · 14/08/2016 12:21

Of course YANBU. If you would feel supported and reassured but your dad's present, have him there.

Personally, I never had anyone apart from DH and would have run a mile at the thought of parents or ILs present. It is definitely unusual to have a grandmother at delivery in this country based on my experience of Obstetrics (usually the v young mums and ethnic minorities).

Beeziekn33ze · 14/08/2016 12:22

You need to be relaxed, it doesn't sound as if you would be with MiL hovering around waiting to be a GM! If you want your DF have your DF. It may take a while (!) so maybe your DH and DF could both spend time with you in turn if they're not allowed in the room together.
I heard of someone whose DH was working away who had Julian Clary as her birth partner! I'm not surprised to hear that he was wonderful!!

eurochick · 14/08/2016 12:23

I've never heard of anyone in my circle of friends and acquaintances having anyone other than a partner there. But if your hospital allows two birth partners and you want your partner and your dad the N that's it.

bakeoffcake · 14/08/2016 12:23

Of course you can have your Dad there if you like, it's entirely up to you. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!Flowers

Both my dds (in their twenties) say they want me at the births of their DC. They are neither "young, immature or spoilt".

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 14/08/2016 12:24

Unless you are really young, immature or a bit spoilt.
This was an unkind comment.

Have whoever you want there. Reassure MIL that she'll be able to visit when baby has arrived and you're ready. Is there a woman who's had a baby in recent memory that DH would listen to?

Heatherjayne1972 · 14/08/2016 12:24

Stick to your guns If having your dad there is what you want then tough on everyone else - your body your birth your choice

midcenturymodern · 14/08/2016 12:24

I didn't want anyone. I think it's really bizarre to assume that women automatically want 2 extra people and that if the default 2nd person (woman's mother) isn't there then they can be subbed. It's not a game of bridge or a concert you've got an extra ticket for.

ryderandthepups · 14/08/2016 12:24

I had my dad with me at my c section. My marriage had just collapsed and it was a horribly stressful time. He was brilliant. Do what's right for you!

Nanny0gg · 14/08/2016 12:28

I work on a maternity ward and it is uncommon where i am to have anyone other than your partner. Unless you are really young, immature or a bit spoilt.

Oh. Okay. I'll thank my young, immature, spoilt children for allowing me to be present at the birth of my DGC later.

What a bloody stupid thing to say. I hope you aren't actually a member of the medical profession RebootYourEngine

OP. You can have whoever you like (hospital permitting).

Heatherjayne1972 · 14/08/2016 12:28

On the other hand of course you could do what my friend did -have a birthing pool in the lounge and invite everyone you can think of ( she even invited the lodger!)
Of course most of us just want someone close to us to be there.

If you don't want mil don't tell her anything until baby has arrived

Threesoundslikealot · 14/08/2016 12:28

youmakemydreams, I hope you didn't think I was suggesting a doula would be preferable to the OP's father, but as (I think) I'm the only person who has mentioned doulas, perhaps you do. I said that people hired doulas when they wanted someone in addition to, or instead of, their partner
i and there was no other person they knew
to fill that role. I have been supportive throughout of the OP.

Buddahbelly · 14/08/2016 12:31

I didn't even want my mum to be there but she seemed to tag along for the 4 whole days I was in hospital/sent home again (very slow labour).

She got upset on day 4 when I demanded that dp just drove me to the hospital on his bloody own, she turned up though and when it came to it I didn't have the energy to kick her out as I was away with the fairies, But i never forget when ds must have been crowning they told mum and dp to come and look, her face was a pure look of disgust. That's all that really stays with me from that day, and even Now I look back and think why were you so bloody insistent on coming in the room when you knew what was going to happen.

I also had bil & sil downstairs in the waiting room and the in laws on the phone every 5 minutes asking for updates. If ever there is a next time I'm not telling anyone until I've actually had the baby, Ill get my dad to come and sit with ds, knowing he can keep his own pee which other family members cannot.

Have who YOU want for your birth! Not who dh wants or thinks you should have!

RebootYourEngine · 14/08/2016 12:32

I am not judging anyone. I said from my experience this is what i have found. I dont feel like there is anything wrong with my comment.

Young meaning young in age ie 15/16 yr old.
Immature meaning being in your 20s or over but still acting like a 14 yr old.
Bit spoilt meaning demanding. Expecting to be pandered to by everyone. Expecting to dictate what happens and when ie complaining that someone who is in labour has been taken to the delivery suite and they arent because they want their baby now. Or pressing the buzzer all of the time to get someone to feed or change your baby. Complaining that another patient (who had just gone through a tradegy) has been given a single room and they havent.

Siriushack · 14/08/2016 12:32

I wouldn't have wanted anyone else there, I'm very close to my mother but felt strongly this was mine and dhs moment.

It's up to you though op, you shouldn't be pressured into having mil there.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 14/08/2016 12:33

I had my mum and exp with me when I had DD. I was scared, vulnerable and really not in control of the situation. I really wanted my mum. I make no apologies for that choice.

OP if you want your dad with you, then have him with you. It's your choice.

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