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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my mil at the birth and pick my dad over her?

544 replies

dfelix990 · 14/08/2016 11:45

hi all so basically my mum is no longer with me she passed away when i was 11 so i became extremely close to my dad who acted as my mum and dad.

im not that close to mil i mean i do like her but we arent that close, but she recently spoke to me about being at the birth and that as my mum isnt around she assumes shell be there. i said that im really sorry but i want my dad there, she started saying that was bizarre and she should have been the second choice as she is the 2nd grandmother. dh seems to think she has a point about being the 2nd grandmother.

aibu to have my dad there over her?

OP posts:
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5
Gazelda · 17/08/2016 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

GipsyDanger · 17/08/2016 10:36

Jeeze, what turned out to be a lovely, heartwarming thread about a strong bond between a daughter and her father has been totally detailed by some deranged women who can dish out the snidey but clearly can't take them. Well done slow clap you must be so pleased

Best wishes to op Flowers again, ignore the one women bun fight

GipsyDanger · 17/08/2016 10:36

Sorry, not women, "incubator"

Jill1985 · 17/08/2016 10:36

GipsyDanger Wed 17-Aug-16 10:08:06
Oh, and this as well, I believe you must have spat it out grin

How hilarious - Grin

augustwashout · 17/08/2016 10:37

I dont think many people will have had their mum there anyway! not in the room at least!

Maybe its your mil making the suggestion in the first place that has put it into your head.

Its entirely up to you the last person I would have wanted there was my MIL, its very very personal and its your body, i you want your dad near, have him near and dont feel bad. Ps I thought my DH would be all over hte place too, and he was brilliant.

Jill1985 · 17/08/2016 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Chippednailvarnishing · 17/08/2016 10:39

Everything here is an opinion That's the point Jill you haven't posted much in the way of opinion, you have posted offensive supposition and then started whining when numerous people have called you on it.

Gipsy you're right, I'll stop feeding it. Wink

GipsyDanger · 17/08/2016 10:40

I was thinking that myself, and have reported also Smile

augustwashout · 17/08/2016 10:40

Gazelda

but for me, pregnancy and childbirth was a very difficult reminder of my loss and my mortality. I wondered if I was selfish to bring a child into the world when I knew that there was a possibility that they could suffer the loss of a parent (overthinking, obviously, but that's what pregnancy and childbirth hormones did for me). I needed my mum at a pivotal moment in my life. I missed her hugely Flowers

This really sums up how I also felt having lost my DM, second time round not at all, but it really hit me hard the first time, hard. Sad

Mycatsabastard · 17/08/2016 10:46

Oh Jill, just bugger off the thread would you? You aren't adding anything to it, the Op's question is now irrelevant considering she has had her baby and all you are doing is picking arguments.

Op, I love the photo. Congratulations on the birth of baby Matthew x

BastardDailyMail · 17/08/2016 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gowgirl · 17/08/2016 10:52

FFS what happened here!
Congratulations op!

Jill1985 · 17/08/2016 10:58

If MN has a problem with differing opinions then why have a forum. Just because a few of you get your knickers in a twist over an opinion you dont like, you start reporting people like children at school... You did gang up and you have posted soothers and troll pics to try to intimidate.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 17/08/2016 10:58

Huge CONGRATULATIONS op, Mathew is beautiful!!

I had my mam with me for dd1, she was brilliant and my Dad was right outside and came in minutes later before I was stitched and cleaned so right in there. I'll never forget what the midwife said when he came in and didn't go to dd1 and came straight to me "how lovely he went straight to his little girl first to make she was ok before this little girl". My mam was amazing and I was so glad she was there but if she wasn't with us I would have had my Dad too op, even that photo of your dad and Mathew reminded me of my Dad and dd1. They all have an amazing bond now as I'm sure Mathew and your Dad will too. Enjoy this time x

hownottofuckup · 17/08/2016 11:02

Congratulations OP that's a beautiful picture. I loved having DM at my births Flowers

If you have any questions about what happened during your pregnancy, labour or birth, or regarding your relationship with your DH, just ask Jill .
She knows everything Wink

Gowgirl · 17/08/2016 11:03

Ahhhhh just RTTT, that's mumsnet for you Jill AIBU may not be the topic for youGrinmight want avoid antivax and dog threads as well!
Beautiful picture by the way unmumsnetty xxx from me!

0nTheEdge · 17/08/2016 11:13

I (half) remember a good quote along the lines of "arguing with an idiot is like playing chess with a pigeon. They just shit all over the board and then strut around like they've won".

I hope all of this bun fighting hasn't upset you OP. How are you?

Jill1985 · 17/08/2016 11:18

0nTheEdge Wed 17-Aug-16 11:13:33
I (half) remember a good quote along the lines of "arguing with an idiot is like playing chess with a pigeon. They just shit all over the board and then strut around like they've won".

But its not bullying ^ right.....

Cake
Gowgirl · 17/08/2016 11:18

I remember my first flaming on mnet! I got flamed by royaltyGrindidn't put me off, I love a good bun fight....

Gowgirl · 17/08/2016 11:19

there, I case anyone missed it.....

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 17/08/2016 13:08

Lass if you ever get the chance to feedback about that you should, especially for women who are in DV situations

Oh it was 26 years ago so a bit too late now! I don't know if there is still this automatic assumption that father will want to be there.

Babymouse · 17/08/2016 13:18

The thread has been derailed a bit, but OP i just want to add my congratulations on your lovely new baby! Hopefully, your dh can follow your dad's lead in supporting you.Flowers

blinkowl · 17/08/2016 13:26

Jill1985 would you feel the same way if the OP had been able to invite her mum to be there instead of her dad?

Genuine question by the way - I don't agree with your thinking on this but I'm curious to understand it.

Do you think in general other DHs in the same situation would be reasonable to be offended by their wive's mums being there also?

If so, then is this about an idea of ownership of women by men, perhaps? Do you feel the presence of another man there undermines his male role in some way?

If that's it then I think we'll all have to accept we think differently as male ownership of women isn't a popular idea here!

Or if it's not about ownership, what is it about having another man present specifically that you think is so undermining?

If it's about having another person male or female then surely that makes no sense as the OP's DH wanted his MIL there too?!

freetrampolineforall · 17/08/2016 13:31

Have who makes you feel safe and relaxed. If that is DF then great. Mil can do a sterling job doing other vital stuff like filling your freezer with comforting home made stuff and supporting your dh with encouragement when he asks for it. Trying to replace your Mum is foolish and, if she has any sense, she wouldn't even try. Best wishes.

Yorkieheaven · 17/08/2016 13:42

Lass

Just wanted to say I am a mil and if and only if my dils wanted me to be with them for support during the birth then I would have in s heart beat. I would do anything to support another woman, especially ones I love, during labour. Smile
Jill

I find it incredible that you seem to be implying that anyone other than the labouring woman has any right to attend her labour. They don't. Curious to know which country you are living in?