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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my mil at the birth and pick my dad over her?

544 replies

dfelix990 · 14/08/2016 11:45

hi all so basically my mum is no longer with me she passed away when i was 11 so i became extremely close to my dad who acted as my mum and dad.

im not that close to mil i mean i do like her but we arent that close, but she recently spoke to me about being at the birth and that as my mum isnt around she assumes shell be there. i said that im really sorry but i want my dad there, she started saying that was bizarre and she should have been the second choice as she is the 2nd grandmother. dh seems to think she has a point about being the 2nd grandmother.

aibu to have my dad there over her?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
freetrampolineforall · 17/08/2016 13:43

Ok not RFT . Congrats to you and DF. Dh and mil have been a bit knobby. Their loss. Well done.

ArmySal · 17/08/2016 13:46

Just RTFT, congratulations OP, love the name and the picture Flowers

Vikkijayne2507 · 17/08/2016 14:22

Wow! I started reading this the other day, just caught up.

Op, it's beautiful picture congratulations!

I have a 2 year old and an 8 week old. I only wanted oh at birth, my friend had her mum and dh, my mil along with my parents were called just b4 I had the baby. Pil and parents are not more important than the mother and baby, oh isn't as important as mother and baby as its the mother who could suffer all sorts, she needs whoever she needs.

I would be discussing the situation with your oh, I know I personally couldn't just leave it he missed the birth basically pandering to his mother. But birth is so short know his work really begins.

Witnessing birth is special but.. I would far far prefer support with s newborn holding the baby whilst I wee, shower eat etc.

Congrats again op.

diddl · 17/08/2016 14:29

Congratulations.

Your husband is an absolute disgrace imo.

How come MIL was even in the car park?Hmm

Since he wasn't interested enough in the birth to stay in the room he should have saved the bother & kept away-& kept his mum with him!

Careforadrink · 17/08/2016 19:35

Jill you have no insight.

Try and get some.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 17/08/2016 20:24

Congratulations OP. Flowers

I'm sorry your DH has been a twat about it all, but glad you had the support of your dad, that photo is precious.

Bambamrubblesmum · 17/08/2016 20:45

I've been mulling this over and I find the term 'incubator' actually quite offensive. An incubator is a piece of equipment, used in a clinical setting, devoid of thoughts, rights or emotions. Basically a machine - like a toaster or kettle.

I'm 8 months pregnant and this label certainly doesn't apply to me! That's a highly misogynistic view of women and pregnancy, which basically strips the mother of her rights and dignity.

coconutpie · 17/08/2016 21:14

Jesus, Jill I don't know what planet or century you're living in but you have some seriously warped views on what a woman's rights are. It is the woman, who is giving birth, that decides who attends HER birth. Clearly you must be the MIL in question as I can't imagine why anybody would be that delusional that think somebody's MIL should be able to demand attendance in the delivery suite against the woman's wishes and who then makes the woman's husband miss the labour because he's to pander to the spoiled brat of a MIL!

coconutpie · 17/08/2016 21:16

And as for the incubator comments? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. A pregnant woman is not an incubator, FFS. How disgustingly offensive.

GipsyDanger · 17/08/2016 21:19

coconut I completely agree but there's no use arguing with her. What's the mumsnet saying, "you can't argue with batshit"

Yorkieheaven · 17/08/2016 21:32

incubator

Really seriously my money is on it's the summer holidays. No woman or git that man I know in RL would argue this.

wheresmybloodygreencard · 17/08/2016 21:35

Aaah. I've been watching this thread and am so so happy for you. What a gorgeous photo of your dad and little Matthew. I'm going to call my parents now :)

I don't see ANYTHING wrong with having whoever calms you and supports you at the birth. I was a home birth, and my mum was so attached to her dog it was there at the birth. I shit you not. My dad just wanted her to be happy, and I came into the world surrounded by my parents and the dog which would protect me for the fist 8 years of my life.

So, you know. Whatever gets you through :)

Bambambini · 17/08/2016 22:32

Op, congratulations - that's a beautiful pic of your dad with your baby son. Mathew is a lovely name and he's a lovely baby.

I'm sure you're too busy and tired to be following this thread - or closely anyway but OP you are the only here who knows you partner and mil. I don't think phrases lije.

"However, it's early days, but it's not too late to LTB." are helpful tbh. I think some posters might be jumping to conclusions. You must l might be a lovely lady who just wanted to be near, your partner might have popped out at a bad time not knowing how imminent the birth was. You know these people - folk here love a drama.

Enjoy your lovely baby op abd hope everything false into place now the baby is here.

Bambambini · 17/08/2016 22:34

Sorry " your mil might be a lovely lady"

Really need to proofread!

BengalCatMum · 18/08/2016 02:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Absofrigginlootly · 18/08/2016 04:08

OP, wow this thread moved on!

Congratulations on your lovely baby boy, glad he arrived safely.

I'm also glad that you had who you wanted to support you- giving birth is such an emotional, private thing I simply cannot fathom why anyone wouldn't understand that the person giving birth gets to decide who supports her through it. And that's not menz bashing, I would say the same of a lesbian couple!

Anyway I cannot believe that your DH missed the birth and is not fussed. Your DH and MIL have their priorities all wrong. Tbh I would struggle to forgive either of them for that.

I can forsee you getting blamed for him missing it... After all, "if MIL had been allowed in the room he wouldn't have had to leave to update her would he?!" Hmm still missing the fucking point of course

I would show your DH this thread. Let him see how many objective people think he has got his priorities completely screwed up.

Be careful not to let DH and MIL trample all over you and the baby in this special time. I really think western society has got it all completely fucked up nowadays.

Newborns need their mothers. That's it. Bonding with grandparents etc comes later. New mums need to rest and recover from birth and concentrate on bonding with their babies and newborns need to feel physically and emotionally still part of mum.

PikachuSayBoo · 18/08/2016 06:55

Jill if you think only the baby's parents should be at the birth then yes that's your opinion and that's then fine for your birth. But you really don't get to dictate that other women should do the same. I'm a midwife and I see women with different people as their birth partners.

Everyone is different and the woman really, really needs to feel supported during labour. Having people she doesn't really want there can inhibit labour by switching oxytocin off.

Infact im suprised the
OP did as well as she did with her Dh arsing about which must have been a distraction and again could have affected her oxytocin.

I don't see that this thread has been a MiL bashing thread at all. It's been a thread which has been slightly bashing towards one/two specific individuals due to their actions.

PikachuSayBoo · 18/08/2016 06:56

And I suspect that Dh is more fussed than he is letting on but is too worried to admit he as he will still be trying to deny he did anything wrong.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 19/08/2016 23:05

When did this happen Bengal?

"4. to the MIL finding the thread and going all entitled MIL again"

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