Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my mil at the birth and pick my dad over her?

544 replies

dfelix990 · 14/08/2016 11:45

hi all so basically my mum is no longer with me she passed away when i was 11 so i became extremely close to my dad who acted as my mum and dad.

im not that close to mil i mean i do like her but we arent that close, but she recently spoke to me about being at the birth and that as my mum isnt around she assumes shell be there. i said that im really sorry but i want my dad there, she started saying that was bizarre and she should have been the second choice as she is the 2nd grandmother. dh seems to think she has a point about being the 2nd grandmother.

aibu to have my dad there over her?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Pearlman · 14/08/2016 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sparklesilverglitter · 14/08/2016 13:18

Do what ever you feel is best for your op, when in labour you need to feel comfortable. Your mil will see the baby soon enough

The plan for my birth of 4 day old DD was my DH in with me and Mum hanging about the hospital, mil made no fuss about this as she knew she would get to see the baby soon enough.
In the end my baby was born a few days earlier than my due date, DH was in Barcelona on a overnight business trip meeting. So it was me and mum in the delivery room Mum stayed at the top end and we got along great. Dad was at the hospital but in the waiting room with coffee I didn't really want him to come in and he didn't want to either said seeing me born all those years ago was enough for him!

Bobochic · 14/08/2016 13:19

As PP have said, birth is not a spectator sport and only the woman in labour gets to choose who (if anyone) accompanies her. There really is no reason for your MIL to be there.

Sparklesilverglitter · 14/08/2016 13:20

work on a maternity ward and it is uncommon where i am to have anyone other than your partner. Unless you are really young, immature or a bit spoilt

^^ and as for that well I'm fucking glad I wasn't on your maternity ward. Something tells me you've never been in labour

leopardgecko · 14/08/2016 13:21

Leopard: That's excessive. I disagree with her but her attitude isn't misconduct, it's just her opinion

I take your point pearlman and you are probably correct. She may of course do her job very well. It's just I am thinking of young women at such a vulnerable point in their lives being judged in this way. Young women reading this thread who may wonder if these opinions are widespread amongst those working in a maternity unit/hospital. I just believe her words have the potential to do much harm and cause distress, and maybe most of all because she seemed quite proud of her opinions. My thoughts may well be over the top but the thought of my children giving birth in the presence of a professional with these opinions makes me feel rather sick. But sorry for being OTT in my response.

HandbagCrab · 14/08/2016 13:21

I just had dh as my mum was supposed to come too but she couldn't be bothered. I ideally wanted someone else as dh can faint at the sight of blood and I didn't want to be left on my own. I was 31 so obviously an entititled princess! i don't give a shit to be honest and will be ringing the bell with abandon this time as I refuse to be left with pain and an infection and no medical help this time.

I think the more support you can get the better op and if your dad is your support system why not have him? I had lots of people who care about me offer to support me, friends, family and a doula. Best of luck

Pearlman · 14/08/2016 13:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Floisme · 14/08/2016 13:26

I have a DIL I wouldn't dream of suggesting I had a right to be there if she has a baby. What nonsense, and I totally appreciate she may want her own mum there - it's not a competition,
Spot on. I'm the mother of a son and I dearly hope to be a mother in law and grandmother one day but the idea of inviting myself to such an intimate occasion is bizarre.

Andbabymakesthree · 14/08/2016 13:29

Pearlman NMC code is pretty clear

to not want my mil at the birth and pick my dad over her?
Pearlman · 14/08/2016 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Newmanwannabe · 14/08/2016 13:32

Geez. They're called "birth support partners" for a good reason. MIL needs to back off.

YANBU. And just incase it's not yet clear. No she does not have a point. YANBU

Andbabymakesthree · 14/08/2016 13:32

Social media guidance

to not want my mil at the birth and pick my dad over her?
Pearlman · 14/08/2016 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

midsomermurderess · 14/08/2016 13:34

Absolutely wertz, shrieking, pompous self-righteousness adding nothing at all the discussion.

Andbabymakesthree · 14/08/2016 13:35

Tbh it wouldn't be impossible to identify area in which one worked if they had been less guarded in other posts. I know I need a name change as someone could easily identify me if there were within local area.

Reboots comments were unnecessary and make prevent other posters from seeking help in PN ward or feel unsupportive in their labour if they had taken her comments to heart. Similar codes of conduct apply for health care assistants too.

TwoLittleBlooms · 14/08/2016 13:38

Do not be pressured into having someone there who you don't want. You need to be comfortable and if having mil there doesn't make you comfortable then tell her no (it is a full sentence Wink).

Trust me, stand your ground. You need to be comfortable with who is there - I was in labour with my eldest (nearly 14 years ago) and my mum and my brother turned up and were let in the room (without my permission ffs!!) - that made me very uncomfortable - it was not nice. If you want your Dad there then let him be there, your husband needs to accept (as does MIL) that you are the one giving birth and at that time - your comfort is paramount to their wants.

Shizzlestix · 14/08/2016 13:38

Just make sure that the ward knows not to let your mil in if she's the pushy type.

Pearlman · 14/08/2016 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheCrumpettyTree · 14/08/2016 13:42

I don't know anyone who had a parent with them.

Of course it's entirely up to you who you have, but I wouldn't say it's common.

leopardgecko · 14/08/2016 13:43

Thank you for posting Andbabymakesthree I am so disgusted by Reboot's beliefs, and feel so sad and sorry for any young person who is judged in this way by her. And also feel sad and sorry for those who may have read her words today, and believe that these views are common amongst those "helping" them bring their child into this world.

AGenie · 14/08/2016 13:44

It's definitely your choice. Nothing will slow down or stall a delivery like having an unwelcome person in the room. If she keeps pushing you to accept her, tell her that you need to have the person you're most comfortable with or it could compromise the safety of the delivery and the baby.

Cashewnutts · 14/08/2016 13:44

Who you have at the birth is your decision alone. Take DHs feelings into account though, it is his child and MILs grandchild. Perhaps tell her no in a firm but polite way.
I wouldn't even allow my own DM at the birth, I allowed her in after the stitching up and I was decent! My inlaws turned up uninvited at the hospital at the crack of dawn the next day so I got OH to send them home and told them they can visit when I'm home. They're lovely people but could not deal with them whilst unwashed and feeling tired and gross!

Andbabymakesthree · 14/08/2016 13:46

That's your opinion but the NMC/skills council or whoever is regulating these days would disagree. I've seen summary of conduct hearings published for similar/less ( different but similar profession) ;-) Reboot would do well to remind herself of her Code of conduct.n

isitseptemberyet · 14/08/2016 13:46

your choice entirely ! Sound like ur MIL is far too outspoken and presumptuous for her own good! is she the sort who also puts names forward (including her own) for your unborn child?!
you are th one giving birth, not your OH, id tell him that !
i think its lovely to have your dad there, i trained as a midwife and have seen the birthing woman's dad in the room and it wasnt weird at all!
I would have my brother there, we are very close
all the best for ur birth, dont let the MIL or anyone else feel weird about ur choice (i would be putting distance between my family and her - about 60 miles should do it)! :)

Spottytop1 · 14/08/2016 13:46

I know several people who have had both their partner and a parent.

It is your birthing experience you have whoever you feel will support you there.