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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my mil at the birth and pick my dad over her?

544 replies

dfelix990 · 14/08/2016 11:45

hi all so basically my mum is no longer with me she passed away when i was 11 so i became extremely close to my dad who acted as my mum and dad.

im not that close to mil i mean i do like her but we arent that close, but she recently spoke to me about being at the birth and that as my mum isnt around she assumes shell be there. i said that im really sorry but i want my dad there, she started saying that was bizarre and she should have been the second choice as she is the 2nd grandmother. dh seems to think she has a point about being the 2nd grandmother.

aibu to have my dad there over her?

OP posts:
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5
CantChoose · 14/08/2016 12:33

reboot that was unkind :/
OP I've done an obstetrics post and I think it was roughly a 50/50 split between people who had only their partner and those who had other family members.
To be honest, I don't think I noticed much who had who - it certainly didn't tie in with anyone being spoilt etc!
Have whoever you feel comfortable with and good luck!

grumpysquash3 · 14/08/2016 12:34

dfelix990

I'm not getting involved with the birth debate, but I just wanted to say that your dad sounds completely amazing :)

Sparklemummyx0x0x · 14/08/2016 12:34

Personally, I couldn't imagine my mum or MIL or anyone else other than the baby's dad seeing my bits on full show. I know it's natural, it's just a body, and everyone has seen one etc and they've been through it before, but still it makes me cringe.
Everyone I know only had their partners with them also..

But watching one born every minute, I realise for some women, they also couldn't imagine their parents or close family or friends not being with them.
I'm sure your dad is honoured that you have chose him to be there. He also might want to stay at the 'top end' so he doesn't have to see the messy part of it. That's his choice as well.

It's individual and ultimately your choice.. Your MIL has plenty of time to be a grandmother, this is labour, not a birthday.

Be firm. Good luck

DownWithThisSortaThing · 14/08/2016 12:36

I didn't want anyone but DP there but lots of women do want their mums.
If you want your dad there it's totally up to you. It's not your mil's place to ask to be there, you are the one giving birth so it's your choice and that's all that's important.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 14/08/2016 12:37

God, I know this is AIBU, but some of you are fucking vile. "Grow up"? "Immature and spoiled"? Hideous. If the OP had said she wanted her mum there and her MIL was being funny about it, everyone would be offering her support.

OP, it sounds like you have a wonderfully close relationship with your father. You've already asked him to be there. It doesn't matter what the fuck anyone else thinks about that. He is your parent, and your support, and you want him there for the birth. Your MIL is handling badly, and was rather distasteful of her to tell you that she presumed she was 'second choice' as you've lost your mother. Have firm words with your DH, stick to your boundaries. When you're giving birth, you need the people there that will support you the most, not who you have in the room to keep happy. Good luck and much love.

Familyof3or4 · 14/08/2016 12:38

I only wanted dh and find the idea of someone suggesting what you should want to be odd.
Do what makes you comfortable and don't let anyone guilt trip you over your decision.

mogloveseggs · 14/08/2016 12:40

Your dad sounds wonderful. Stick to your guns op.

BagelGoesWalking · 14/08/2016 12:41

She can have whoever the hell she wants to support her.

I'm not getting involved with the birth debate, but I just wanted to say that your dad sounds completely amazing

^ These. Your choice, I would have absolutely hated my MIL to have been anywhere near me! She's fine, nothing awful but I have no particular emotional connection with her. I didn't really want my mum either (we lived abroad for 1st DC), just DH.

Good luck! Grin

RebootYourEngine · 14/08/2016 12:41

I am sorry if my comment offended anyone. It wasnt aimed at the OP.
I was talking about what i had experienced.

It was a general 'you' and not aimed at the OP.

Obliviated · 14/08/2016 12:42

I don't even want dp there if I'm totally honest. Mainly because the gas and air sends me off into my own world and he will try and be helpful and talk to me and stuff which brings me back into the real world. Love gas and air!

You can have whomever you want there though. It's totally up to you. Hope everything goes well Smile

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/08/2016 12:43

"The person who is at the birth isn't there because they are "grandmother". There is no role for "grandmother" at that point."

This ^ DeathStare's post in it's entirety (and lots of others).

Also think your relationship with your dad sounds fantastic, dfelix990, and I think he absolutely should be there, as he and you both want that.

I really do not understand that people would think that odd. In my opinion, a woman needs someone who will put her first all the way down the line when she gives birth. Needs someone who knows her really well to be there, to give her emotional and practical support. Often needs someone to speak out for her, express her needs, maybe even 'fight her corner' a little.

Your dad sounds perfect for the job.

DeadGood · 14/08/2016 12:44

"dh seems to think she has a point about being the 2nd grandmother."

Um yes he has a point that she is also a grandmother. No that does not automatically mean that she should be there, and it's weird that either of them think that is the case.

Not read the latest OP, but I'm surprised you are mystified at people thinking it might be odd for your dad to be there. I mean, if you want him there great. But it is a very graphic, personal experience that's all centred around your vagina. That is why people might find it odd. If you are fine with that, carry on.

chocoLit · 14/08/2016 12:44

Absolutely not!! What a nerve she has even suggesting it!!

Have your DH and nobody else unless your dad if you think DH will be rubbish.

Silly woman and DH has NO point unless he wishes to bare his body and soul to strangers and someone he isn't that find of too. Idiot Angry

RaspberryOverload · 14/08/2016 12:46

OP, the whole point of birth partners is to provide support to the mother in labour, during the actual birth, and during the aftermath.

It's not a spectator event, and it's entirely up to you who is present. You need to have people there who help you to feel comfortable and able to cope. Not people who only want to be there due to some pre-conceived idea about "grandparent rights". Hmm

This one time, it's all about you and what you want or need. and if that's your dad (who sounds great) and he wants to be there, then that's what happens.

Threesoundslikealot · 14/08/2016 12:46

Thanks for apologising, Reboot, but you need to think about your language. Spoiled and immature are entirely judgemental terms - you simply cannot use them in an objective way - and if someone reading this thread has been put off having the birth support that's best for them for fear of being judged by the hospital staff, then it doesn't matter whether you were talking to the OP or not.

Hopefully the rest of the thread will encourage people to have the courage to do as they wish.

Andbabymakesthree · 14/08/2016 12:46

reboot wow just wow. No wonder some maternity services are still terrible if people like you are staffing them.

OP listen to Threesoundslikealot she talks sense.

Try and get your partner to read Men, love and birth by Mark Harris it might help him become a supportive birth partner and open up discussion amongst you.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 14/08/2016 12:47

You have whoever you want. The end.

And what Milk said!!

DancingOnMyOwn · 14/08/2016 12:48

You have who you want at the birth OP, it's got nothing to do with anyone else.

I had my DP and mum with me at the births of both my children, you and your dad sound happy about him being there so I don't see what the problem is. Your MIL doesn't need to be there.

Oh and the comments about people being "young, immature or spoilt" just because some women want their mum/dad/other family member at the birth, WTAF Hmm That might not be what you would want, but there is no need to be so fucking rude to women who did want other people there!

Wdigin2this · 14/08/2016 12:49

If you're close to your dad and you want him there, (I'm assuming he won't be at the business end) then it's got nothing to do with anyone else...go for it!

Threesoundslikealot · 14/08/2016 12:50

Thanks, andbabymakesthree!

Arfarfanarf · 14/08/2016 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Cheby · 14/08/2016 12:51

Reboot I actually think it's worse that you're talking about actual patients on your ward and not the OP. You have a duty of care to them. I'm making an assumption you're clinical here (may be wrong of course) but seriously is there nothing in your training about respecting women and their choices for childbirth? You're just sat on the sidelines judging who you think is immature. Ugh.

chocoLit · 14/08/2016 12:51

Oh and your dad sounds like a legend btw Smile

OlennasWimple · 14/08/2016 12:52

When I gave birth, it happened very fast. MiL subsequently commented that she "wasn't able to get there in time" - I've never opened up that can of worms of what she thought she was going to do, as there's no way she would have been in the room when I gave birth Confused

If you want your dad in there with you, have your dad there. Just check whether your hospital allows more than one birthing partner in the room

HouseworkIsASin10 · 14/08/2016 12:53

I know others that have had their dad in the room, it's no big deal. They just sit at the top end and are there for support.

I say go for it, it's a lovely thing for your dad. Don't worry about MIL it's not her decision. It has to be whatever makes you the most comfortable and least stressed on the day.