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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my mil at the birth and pick my dad over her?

544 replies

dfelix990 · 14/08/2016 11:45

hi all so basically my mum is no longer with me she passed away when i was 11 so i became extremely close to my dad who acted as my mum and dad.

im not that close to mil i mean i do like her but we arent that close, but she recently spoke to me about being at the birth and that as my mum isnt around she assumes shell be there. i said that im really sorry but i want my dad there, she started saying that was bizarre and she should have been the second choice as she is the 2nd grandmother. dh seems to think she has a point about being the 2nd grandmother.

aibu to have my dad there over her?

OP posts:
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5
user1467393664 · 16/08/2016 21:00

HE MISSED THE BIRTH BECAUSE OF HIS MOTHER Shock that would be unforgivable for me and would sit with me for years to come AND he's not arsed he missed the birth of his son ShockShock ( Caps because I'm floored by it all) what did MIL say when she heard she made her son miss the birth?

Your so lucky to have you DF as your support. I would be hardcore borderline militant with that MIL in the future. She'll start on about grandmothers rights soon. Don't do anything you don't want to and don't let her put her horrible oar in.

coconutpie · 16/08/2016 21:20

After the stunt she pulled at the hospital, I think I would be refusing to see that miserable old bat anytime soon.

ohtheholidays · 16/08/2016 21:32

Oh OP Matthew is a gorgeous little baby,what a lovely picture.

I've just shown 2 of our 5DC our 2DD's 8 and 13 and my DH so our frontroom was filled with awwwsss,they've all said he's a gorgeous little boy and that your Dad's very lovely being there with you.

Thankyou for sharing it with us Flowers

Jill1985 · 17/08/2016 06:04

*dfelix990 Tue 16-Aug-16 12:06:43

honestly I'm really upset with the way he has been with his mil, he was so much better before I was pregnant, and it's sad I got to see that change in him when I was pregnant, but I suppose I'm got to just keep it firm.*

his mil? I am wondering how you knew he was fussing over his mother when you were in the throes of labour? I feel there is more to this story. I still say the dh didn't stay alongside his fil at the birth for a reason.... I think you made the choice of who you wanted there and you got what you wished for. There are times I would love to hear the dh's view posted on these threads. The comment he allegedly made about being glad 'we are all happy' speaks volumes.

Jill1985 · 17/08/2016 06:12

and yes I expect he will want things to be equal between his mother and the fil > HarryPottersMagicWand, why wouldn't he? Both are grandparents and it is his baby too, which seems to have been overlooked in my opinion.

0nTheEdge · 17/08/2016 06:45

Nice, Jill. The OP didn't get what she wished for though did she? She wanted her Dad and DH and she just got her dad because her dh fucked off for the crucial moment. But in your eyes this is ok because she chose to have her dad at the birth over her mil? Was justice served? It's not even like her dh was saying he just wanted it to be private between just the two of them, so I'm sorry I think your logic is flawed.

Jill1985 · 17/08/2016 06:59

OnThe Edge.. I get the impression the D? H was made to feel he had no say and that OP's DF would be there no matter what. How do you know what her D? H was saying? I get so sick of the MIL bashing threads and the lack of respect for a father because he isn't the incubator. Personally I think the baby's father is the only father that needed to be there and I think the only reason he wasn't was because he knew that his SO wanted her father even more than she wanted him. I think that many opinions on here are flawed and lack logic to be honest. If people come on asking for an opinion they can't really complain when they get one.

DartmoorDoughnut · 17/08/2016 07:21

FFS Jill the mother IS more important, she's not an incubator, she's grown another human being and now has to get it out! It's a scary and painful time and who the mother wants to support her DOES trump others feelings.

FurkinA · 17/08/2016 07:26

Firstly don't call women incubators Jill.

Second of all should I have been allowed to tell dh I wanted my mum to come and see his vasectomy? He's only incubating the sperm, it's my right.

Bambamrubblesmum · 17/08/2016 07:27

Are you the MIL Jill?

This wasn't about power politics, it was about a woman giving birth and getting to choose her support network. It's not the bloody UN!

If my son had done this he would have had a flea in his ear. I would be sat outside in the waiting room thinking about ways to support the support crew not stropping off in my car sulking.

SanityClause · 17/08/2016 07:34

I do appreciate what you're saying about MIL bashing on MN, Jill, but the birth is about the mother and the baby. The people present are there to lend support to the mother. They are not there to witness the birth, although obviously that will normally happen.

There are very few people I can think of that I would have wanted to be there with me, at that time. I certainly wouldn't have wanted my dad, for starters! And definitely not my MIL, who would have made it all about her.

The OP's DH left off supporting her, and chose to support his mother, instead. There's lots of ways he can support his mother, and there may be many times in life that she'll need it more than the OP, and will be the priority. (Say if she's ill, or moving house, or something like that.) But right at this time, he should have been with his wife, and his mother is outrageous if she believes otherwise.

MrEBear · 17/08/2016 07:44

Jill, Felix wanted the two people who she thought she could rely on to support her to hold her hand while she laboured and gave birth.

I refuse to accept that anyone should impose themselves on a expectant mum giving birth is not a spectator event. Over years of reading forums I've read all sorts of crazy expectations of mums & mils expecting to be there. Giving birth is 100% about the new mum. New Dads role is to support.

DH might have wanted things to be equal however this misses the point being at a birth primarily isn't about spectating / witnessing it is about supporting. Rubbing her back, holding the gas n air and truthfully making horrible decisions if necessary. Getting to witness is the bonus for being a special person in the mothers life.

She knew MIL was not going to support was only interested in witnessing. Her selfishness is beyond compare. She couldn't even put her son first, she even caused her (spineless) son to miss the special moment. I thought DH would be angry / upset about missing it however that may come in time. He might just not want to say he is fuming inside. I'm hoping he will grow a back bone and stand up to his mother who without doubt will be the cause of more trouble.

I am also angry that MiL seemed to think because Ops mum is dead she should fill her boots, sorry those boots have already been filled by an amazing man. Who did his wife and daughter proud!!!

0nTheEdge · 17/08/2016 07:45

Well Jill, I know the dh said he wanted his mum there because I read the full thread. And I know he was probably pushing it because the op said mil told her she thought she should be there over her dad because her mum had died, so she should be next in line. Do you not think this was twattish behaviour from mil? I think that sometimes mil's do get a bashing on MN, but sometimes it's flipping deserved!! And this comes from someone who loves and respects their mil dearly.

Notagainmun · 17/08/2016 08:14

Congratulations OP, Matthew is beautiful and your Dad is a star. I would be giving my H all kinds of hell if he missed the delivery.

Has MIL seen the baby? I would have told her that her selfish behaviour ruined a life changing moment for her son

Jill1985 · 17/08/2016 08:17

OnThe Edge We were not present when the conversation was had, we only have OP version. The fact that she was about to deliver yet knows exactly what was happening in the parking lot leaves me bewildered. I think the father of the baby should have as much say as the mother. Had the OP not been making demands in regard to having her father present and probably making the babys own father feel less than important, he may well have been present. Think about it from the husbands perspective. Its his baby, his wife and he wants to see his baby born but the wife wants her father there.... sorry I dont care what any of you say..... I can see there is something off here

Careforadrink · 17/08/2016 08:19

Jill thankfully you are well out of step with everyone else of this thread. There is no justification for her dp or the mil's actions.

It's a disgrace he missed out but he only has himself to blame.

Congratulations OP. Your baby is absolutely gorgeous and your dad is awesome!

Bambamrubblesmum · 17/08/2016 08:21

Well if there was something 'off' then it was for the DH to sort it out with his wife not run off to mummy to join the collective sulk. Can't have it both ways.

Inertia · 17/08/2016 08:26

Jill, comments such as yours which call women 'incubators', and suggest that the needs of women giving birth are less important than the whims of the woman's partner/parents/in-laws, demonstrate exactly why we need to support women giving birth to have the support they want.

There is no lack of logic in understanding that, until the baby is born, there is one patient and that's the woman giving birth. She can select the birth partner she thinks will be the best support for her - or nobody, if she prefers.

HyacinthFuckit · 17/08/2016 08:27

The alternative and indeed logical perspective is that OP was correct to want her dad there as she knew she needed someone whose support she could rely on 100%. And DH proved her right by failing her at the last minute. This analysis has the advantage of being based entirely on what actually happened, rather than requiring us to invent a backstory.

Notagainmun · 17/08/2016 08:28

Jill you have got to be the MIL!

AndYourBirdCanSing · 17/08/2016 08:30

FFS.

When a woman gives birth it is up to HER who is there. Not the husband and his selfish, entitled mother.

Jill1985 · 17/08/2016 08:31

I also have a hunch DH suggested his mother be there as she was insisting her father be there. In my opinion its the babys two parents who should be there when THEIR child is being born. Grandparents can be right outside after the event if the babys parents would like to show the newborn to the grandparents. I think if the mother of the baby is without a husband or a partner its a little different, obviously then it makes sense to bring in a parent or someone else. Sorry my view doesnt sit well with some...I would love to know what DH really thinks.

Jill1985 · 17/08/2016 08:32

I was also the incubator to my own child and the one I am currently having. I dont mind the term as its a fact really.

HyacinthFuckit · 17/08/2016 08:33

Also Jill, leaving aside the ethical problem with one adult having an equal say in the others clinical decisions, which is what you're advocating, how does your method work when there's disagreement and there's nobody who they both want? Someone has to get their way at the expense of someone else. No way round it.

SnakeWitch · 17/08/2016 08:34

Your picture brought a tear to my eye! What a completely lovely photo. Congratulations, I really hope all the birth drama is behind you so you can settle into being a mum and a new family Flowers

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