to not want my mil at the birth and pick my dad over her?

[dfelix990]

hi all so basically my mum is no longer with me she passed away when i was 11 so i became extremely close to my dad who acted as my mum and dad.

im not that close to mil i mean i do like her but we arent that close, but she recently spoke to me about being at the birth and that as my mum isnt around she assumes shell be there. i said that im really sorry but i want my dad there, she started saying that was bizarre and she should have been the second choice as she is the 2nd grandmother. dh seems to think she has a point about being the 2nd grandmother.

aibu to have my dad there over her?

Oh pandering to an OP is definitely not a Mumsnet thing

No bullying from Chipped. Your posts though I do find insulting.

Everyone is equal, apart from when one of them is bringing another person out into the world, then the person doing the pushing/having the surgery is more important.

Oh and GF = GoadyFucker Jill

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe confused
Where has chipping 'bullied' you?

If you cant see it then I can't advise you.

Jill, I think that maybe you you are forgetting that OP's own mother died when she was young. As did mine. I'm not speaking for OP, as we are all different, but for me, pregnancy and childbirth was a very difficult reminder of my loss and my mortality. I wondered if I was selfish to bring a child into the world when I knew that there was a possibility that they could suffer the loss of a parent (overthinking, obviously, but that's what pregnancy and childbirth hormones did for me). I needed my mum at a pivotal moment in my life. I missed her hugely. Would you have begrudged me having my dad with me to help reassure me and help me feel safe?

And now the classic ganging up on the poster who happens to have a different opinion. Classy.

and anyone with a different opinion is a goady fucker. I see. Cool :-/

If you cant see it then I can't advise you.

Maybe because that isn't there, but don't let facts stand in the way of a good complaint.

If you feel that any posts are bullying then report them to MNHQ and they will remove them. I shall look forward to seeing which ones are removed.

Felix congrats on the new baby! I hope everything is going well.

For jill I'm just going to leave this here.

Wow - this is crazy - a women has THE final say over who is or isn't going to watch her / support her at her most important , venerable moment of her life !!! Her dad is her mum too - he raised her , he probably saw her being born too so I think it's wonderful she felt more comfortable with him there - the mil clearly didn't want to be there for op but for herself - when your giving birth you want people your comfortable with - the fact mil was texting from carpark shows what kind of woman she is ( op your husband needs to grow a pair - sorry ) . I refused to have my mil there just me and hubby ( my parents are dead ) - my lim went on and on about it being her right - buggar that - my body my baby X
Congratulations op and good on your fabulous dad he sounds like one in a million and totally should have been there in those circumstances 💕 enjoy your lovely baby and good luck with the mil she sounds like mine - a total nightmare 😡

Lass it's actually the same argument as the OP. It's your body and you have the right to choose who is with you, I'm surprised your midwife wasn't an advocate for that

Midwife just assumed he would be there; as do a helluva lot of posters on this thread, including the one I quoted.

Oh, and this as well, I believe you must have spat it out

Birth is no place for a MiL! Although i'm sure some people do have them. I personally wouldn't have anyone other than my dh but at the end of the day it's your choice and noone else's.

Gazelda - a point very well made - I was the same - having my babies made me think how much I missed mum and about my own mortality 😥 Xxxxx

Let’s be clear here Jill, you have come on to a thread and put forward an argument that women don’t get to choose who watches them give birth. “ Two people make a baby and if those two people are happy together I think the decision should be both of theirs, as to who attends the birth”.

So you don’t believe in bodily autonomy?

You have then made snide, disingenuous remarks about the OP,” I am wondering how you knew he was fussing over his mother when you were in the throes of labour? I feel there is more to this story. I still say the dh didn't stay alongside his fil at the birth for a reason.... I think you made the choice of who you wanted there and you got what you wished for.”

Followed by more drivel, and lets be clear here you are posting drivel, about “MIL bashing” and “incubators” and more unkind, completely unsubstantiated snippy remarks about the OP “ I can see there is something off here” and “I also have a hunch DH suggested his mother be there as she was insisting her father be there”.

You have then descended to wittering on about “dysfunctional familes” and alike.

You have repeatedly post unsubstantiated, unconstructive, inflammatory, negative comments, with absolutely no thought for the OP, who has just given birth whilst her DH buggered off to see to his mother.

And you call me a bully?

You have posted to get a reaction and you have received one, but don't act all offended when you are rightly pulled up on the fact that you have been unpleasant and clearly looking for an argument. MN doesn't work that way thank God

Gazelda

She is a grown woman with a husband. If people prefer to have a parent at pivotal moments, we can't really complain if the husband isn't there at said pivotal moment, who knows what his feelings are. He is about to become a parent too at that time....which is actually a defining moment for him too.

I have no problem personally with grandparents outside of the room awaiting news of their grandchild. I just happen to think that the birth of ones OWN child for the father and the mother is their joint pivotal moment. I don't feel guilty for having that opinion either.

Nobody is ganging up on you Jill. I don't think that anyone, even the father has a right to be there. I only wanted the medical staff.

If I ever become a grandmother ( not a prospect I relish) I have no intention of even being at the hospital let alone the birth.

Anchor - a lot of people on here are saying have who you want at your birth. If that's your mil, then go for it! It sounds like you have a lovely relationship with her. Unless your dp feels strongly against it, there's no problem is there? Who cares what anyone else thinks!
Jill - what does it matter what dh was saying to his mum in the car park? Is the point not that he wasn't where be should be, which was at the birth of his child? The reason why everyone had a problem with what you're saying is that the op (who usually gets a bashing on MN actually, you'll come to realise this) has come across as a really lovely person who has gone through a tough few days and does seem to have been hard done by. She's not been name calling and ranting, she's been upset. I think understandably. You on the other hand have come across as a GF. You seem to have no sympathy for the op, who you refer to as an incubator, and have taken the side of two people who actually appear to most other people as having acted badly.

Ah just rtft- congratulations and your dad is a hero

Chippednailvarnishing

Having read many threads on MN. I am far from a bully. I think if people post looking for an opinion or for someone to justify actions then why be offended by the opinions you ask for. I refuse to get drawn in any further to your GF ishness.

have a wonderful day.

Jill1985 It's not at all "weird" for someone who has lost one parent to want the other parent, who has been a source of support throughout their life, present when they give birth. How insensitive! And even if her husband did have feelings about that, the way to deal with them as an adult was not by sulking and missing a once in a lifetime chance to see his child born, through his choice!

God, people who make comments that are deliberately unkind, surplus to requirements and completely inappropriate for the situation in hand then attempt to veil themselves from negative response by saying "just my opinion" are actually the worst.

It's disingenuous, passive aggressive and weak, Jill. You were being thoroughly unpleasant, people told you so, and then you claim you're being bullied.

Freedom of speech does not = freedom to speak and be protected from any consequences. You're entitled to be unpleasant if you wish, and everybody else is entitled to tell you're being a pain in the backside. That's precisely what happened.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out Jill

Lass if you ever get the chance to feedback about that you should, especially for women who are in DV situations.

LassWiTheDelicateAir

I dont really think you are in a position to decide whether or not I feel ganged up on. That determination is surely up to the one feeling bullied. I think forums like this should expect differing opinions and not pounce on someone for not having a clonelike reaction. I just hope the family of the OP can find some common ground and not be influenced by the bad mouthing of the MIL and husband on here

Chippednailvarnishing Wed 17-Aug-16 10:17:43

Don't let the door hit you on the way out Jill

I rest my case...bully

Still here Jill ?

You didn't post an opinion. Opinions are based on fact, you posted a collection of snide insinuations regarding the OP that you have absolutely no way of substantiating.

brambly Wed 17-Aug-16 10:17:22
God, people who make comments that are deliberately unkind, surplus to requirements and completely inappropriate for the situation in hand then attempt to veil themselves from negative response by saying "just my opinion" are actually the worst.

Pots calling the kettle black. Everything here is an opinion. None of you have the right to claim that your opinions supercede anyone elses. Acting sanctimonious doesn't mean that someones words are gospel either.