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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want my mil at the birth and pick my dad over her?

544 replies

dfelix990 · 14/08/2016 11:45

hi all so basically my mum is no longer with me she passed away when i was 11 so i became extremely close to my dad who acted as my mum and dad.

im not that close to mil i mean i do like her but we arent that close, but she recently spoke to me about being at the birth and that as my mum isnt around she assumes shell be there. i said that im really sorry but i want my dad there, she started saying that was bizarre and she should have been the second choice as she is the 2nd grandmother. dh seems to think she has a point about being the 2nd grandmother.

aibu to have my dad there over her?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
AndYourBirdCanSing · 17/08/2016 08:35

I couldn't give two hoots what the husband thinks as he hasn't had to just give birth without his partner as his MIL was making it all about her.

It is not about the grandparents- it is about the woman giving birth.

Jill1985 · 17/08/2016 08:38

No wonder the world is how it is. When you have people diminishing the role of a father to be. I'm just saying that I would never put my husband in the position of having to watch his own child being born, alongside my father. No matter how close I may be with my father, my husband is the one who takes precedence when it involves his own child.

Chippednailvarnishing · 17/08/2016 08:41

Notagain my thoughts exactly!

Is there a reason Jill that you have only ever posted on two threads, both of which are about MILS?

OP I hope you are recovering well and that you're being better looked after by your DH now!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 17/08/2016 08:41

Congrats OP! What a lovely picture. Enjoy him 🙂

This thread is sad. I have no parents, I'd always loosely planned to ask DPs mum to come with us when/if I give birth. I hadn't thought that would be considered weird, she's known me since I was 17 and has been like a second mum since I started dating her son. Hmm.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 17/08/2016 08:43

The labour isn't about the father to be though. It's about the mum.

It is only her that matters in that situation as she is the one who is vulnerable, in pain, exposed and terrified. She is the one who needs support.

Once the child is born it's a different matter. If the op had said she wanted her father to visit the baby in hospital but didn't want the MIL visiting she would have been told SWBU.

HyacinthFuckit · 17/08/2016 08:43

That's not what you're 'just saying' and in any case, what you would do is of no consequence.

I'd also be interested to hear more about this diminishing the role of fathers. Dads attending the birth, which is by no means universal amongst human cultures, is a fairly new innovation. Do you think societies where this isn't or wasn't practiced accord/ed less importance to the role of the father? Even though in some of them, he quite literally took legal precedence over the mother? Do tell.

AndYourBirdCanSing · 17/08/2016 08:44

I think you've spectacularly missed the point. No wonder the 'world is how it is' when people think a woman has to put other people's wishes above her own whilst giving BIRTH.

Give me strength.

Chippednailvarnishing · 17/08/2016 08:45

I think you've spectacularly missed the point

No doubt on purpose.

JudyCoolibar · 17/08/2016 08:46

I personally think the babes father would feel as odd having your dad present at his own baby s birth as you did at the thought of having his mother there.

Why, Jill? It's not as if the father is the one going through the labour and birth. It's not about who gets to witness the event, it's about who the mother feels is the best support.

I think you made the choice of who you wanted there and you got what you wished for.

Well, yes, she did make the choice. She's the patient. If it was the father going through an extremely painful and undignified procedure, don't you think the choice of who should be there to support him should be his and his alone? But OP didn't get what she wished for, as she wanted the child's father to be there.

I also don't understand where you get your mystery about how OP knew what was going on in the car park when she was in labour. All she said about that was "What a disaster, DH ended up leaving the room, as MIL wasn't getting enough action (I'm serious) she was waiting outside in her car." Why on earth wouldn't OP have known that her DH had left the room and the reason for that?

Jill1985 · 17/08/2016 08:46

Chippednailvarnishing FYI...I am too young to be a MIL, and I really adore my own mother in law. My posts on this thread are based on what my opinion is....

Careforadrink · 17/08/2016 08:47

So missing the entire point Jill it's rather ridiculous.

SanityClause · 17/08/2016 08:50

Why did you want your DH at the birth of your child, Jill? Did you want him there to help you and comfort you, and help advocate for you, or did you see it as some kind of performance art, where he got to witness a spectacle?

I think most of the people disagreeing with you on this thread would see the non medical people as having the former role, but I'm guessing to you they are an audience?

If so, there's no point in arguing with you. You are just coming from it from an entirely different point of view.

So, I agree, that if the mother's family are there to be an audience to the mother performing "Birth", then, yes, the MIL should have been there, too, to make it fairsies.

In my opinion, the family members or friends are there to support the mother. And being supportive does not entail sitting in a car park, texting your son, who is supposed to be looking after his wife.

Chippednailvarnishing · 17/08/2016 08:50

Funny how you're pretty much the only negative poster on a positive thread Jill you're sounding more and more like a GF.

Jill1985 · 17/08/2016 09:04

Such twisting of words here to try to get the upper hand... Its no wonder children tend to grow up in broken families or at the very least dysfunctional ones. Family is not something to ostracize and have groups bashing someones MIL and husband. This OP presumably wants her marriage to last and her children to have a connection with the grandparents ( ALL of them). Posters who berate and name call someones MIL or husband as they have here is quite appalling. If the OP is happy with it then I think she may well be back here at a later date posting on a different topic. No doubt she will get told she is doing the right thing then too. If a new MN poster like myself cant leave an opinion without getting bashed and stalked then what hope does anyone have in finding solutions here.

Damselindestress · 17/08/2016 09:11

What is the problem with the OP having her parent there to support her as she gave birth? You talk about the importance of including grandparents so what about OP's father? It doesn't "diminish the role of the father" who she also wanted to be there but he chose not to be!

Jill1985 · 17/08/2016 09:15

SanityClause

My husband was at the birth as it is HIS child and will be at the next one too.

Chippednailvarnishing Negative poster? What because I dont agree with you? I find all the posts bashing the OP's husband and MIL as negative, the name calling is disgusting. OP may as well get used to the fact that her husband has a mother and her child has more grandparents than just her father. If she wants an amicable family life...or is it just the 'little family unit' that is all family is? My child and future child will hopefully have a very good relationship with his grandparents for as long as possible. I dont see anything negative about that. maybe if daughters in law stopped being jealous of their husbands mothers and appreciated them as family members who actually raised the son to be the one they now presumably love and who is father to their children, they may find as I have that their MIL ( their husbands mother) is a valued member of the family as a whole. I havent missed the point, I just dont buy that the DH was consoling his mother....regardless of having read the whole thread.

selsigfach · 17/08/2016 09:19

What has MIL said about taking her son away from the birth of his child? I hope she's mortified but doubt it (no right-thinking woman would do this). Have you said to them both that you're really upset that your husband missed the birth of his child because he was placating mummy? This isn't a time you'll get back. Congratulations on your beautiful baby. Thank goodness your father was there for you - gorgeous photo.

Chippednailvarnishing · 17/08/2016 09:20

If a new MN poster like myself cant leave an opinion without getting bashed and stalked then what hope does anyone have in finding solutions here

Welcome to MN Jill.

You have the right to express your opinion, however, if you post total drivel people will assume you are GF and check your posting history and point out that out to you.

The solution would be to post opinions that aren't completely ridiculous like saying women can't decide who is with them giving birth and inflammatory, like your waffle about dysfunctional families.

You should try it, it's not hard, everyone else on the thread managed it.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 17/08/2016 09:31

Lovely picture congratulations.

Well Dora , if the summation of your argument is "yuk" , good job the OP didn't share your opinion, as she would have possibility ended up giving birth without anyone there but the midwife

That's what I wanted and didn't get as that is the choice which gets no support from anyone.


Jill1985 · 17/08/2016 09:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Chippednailvarnishing · 17/08/2016 09:34

I rest my case. You are a GF.

Jill1985 · 17/08/2016 09:40

Chippednailvarnishing
You are a bully.

Chippednailvarnishing · 17/08/2016 09:41

Lass it's actually the same argument as the OP. It's your body and you have the right to choose who is with you, I'm surprised your midwife wasn't an advocate for that.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 17/08/2016 09:47

Chippednailvarnishing
You are a bully.

Confused

Where has chipping 'bullied' you?

Jill1985 · 17/08/2016 09:56

I dont need a midwife to make decisions for me or to help me form my own opinions. I still say that the husband must have felt bothered by the fact that OP wanted her father present. I think most men would, as I said, my husband would have felt it was weird. I would not have put him in that position. It's an opinion.... as valid as any other,

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