Last night I passed out drunk in my garden and threw up in my daughters potty.

[StrongTeaHotShower]

I'm really scared I might be developing a problem. I'm getting so drunk at least 2-3 times a week and on the days in between I'm still drinking, just not to excess.

The problem is I don't want to stop drinking completely, just to be able to regulate my intake.

I called AA and might try to go to a meeting next week but I know they encourage zero alcohol and honestly I can't imagine life without it. Can people just learn to cut down without giving it up completely?

OP I havent had a drink in over 20 years, wasnt an alcoholic but i did have a drinking problem and would always end up fighting, and when you first give up you realise how obsessed we are with drinking alcohol in this country, cant even meet friends without the obligatory 'fancy a drink?' You will feel your resolve weaken, stay the course, after a few years, people will stop expecting you to order an alcoholic drink and the tee total you becomes the norm

carabos

StrongTeaHotShower Sending support to you. If it gets difficult during the night tonight, keep posting here, on one of the threads in Relationships that were mentioned, or call a helpline. MNers have helped me through some dark times - not drinking for me, but other stuff - and I have been astonished by the wisdom and compassion on this site at all hours of the day and night. I am sending and .

Oh StrongTeaHotShower I'm so pleased to come back and to read this.

You can do it, it's a challenge but worth it for how much it'll improve your life (and most certainly the life of you dh and DD). You can get support here and at AA (there's many meetings in many places - usually enough it get to one when it gets tough).

I know I don't actually know you but I'm delighted you now want to be the one in control and not let the drink be.

Don't worry about the semantics just go forward and stop drinking.

From all that you have posted I think that is a really wise decision.m mixing codeine and alcohol deliberately makes my professional radar really twitchy.

So pleased for you OP!

Just to reiterate on your world being full of high functioning drinkers - right now I'm sure a voice in your head is going 'but EVERYONE drinks like this, who the fuck will I talk to?!?' - it definitely felt for me like everyone drank heavily, but as I moved away from booze I realised A LOT of people didn't - they just don't hang out with the drinkers and tend to give them a bit of a berth. You know, the ones who aren't always going for 'a quick one' or he last standing at the work party, who come for a family lunch not a dinner, who are training for a marathon or do lots of yoga, or go off walking or have hobbies, or some lucky fuckers who are able to nurse a glass of wine all night.

Read ice and a slice by Della Galton. There's also a sequel.

The drinking patterns in ice and a slice resonated with me and also a lot of my friends. If you have a kindle, download now.

Good luck OP

I hope you are still as determined as last night.

You need to go to an AA meeting, shame you couldn't go yesterday, but please don't make that an excuse for not doing anything about it now.

I know how resolution just trickles away, and how 'right now' turns into 'next week' or 'sometime'. Don't let that happen to you.

And now onto the whole codeine thing. Or should I say, the whole stealing drugs from work thing.

Do you understand what you are doing? Do you understand what this means?

You have crossed a massive line with this. And it needs to stop.

How do you justify this? Honestly, I'm struggling to understand how you can deceive yourself to the extent you have? I get that you're a good person who has gone down a road which has slowly stripped you of any desire except to get drunk... And there are environmental factors that mean you are suseptable to alcohol addiction.

But how can you have ever pretended to yourself that you just have a little problem managing your alcohol intake, when you are actually stealing prescription drugs to boost the effect of the huge amount you are drinking?

Surely the act of stealing must make you pause and realise what you are doing? Because stealing opiates from a healthcare setting requires planning and forethought. And it has consequences that effect others, not just you on your mission to destroy your life...

Do you steal off patients? Giving them less pain relief than is recorded? Leaving them desperate and in pain, but ignored by the other HCPs as they've had their pain relief so cannot be in that much pain?

Or do you steal before it gets to the patients? So the numbers don't add up, and the rest of the people who work there will be under suspicion? Your workmates and colleagues. Their jobs on the line, everyone under scrutiny, because of you.

This is not what normal people do.
This is not what sober people do.

This is what addicts do, so focused on wanting their next fix that nothing else matters. The lying, the stealing, the risks, the harm to others... Others who trust you.

But nothing is as important as getting your fix.

I'm sorry if my post seems mean, but yesterday you were slowly admitting the extent of your drinking. But today, it would be oh so easy to brush it all away, pretend you'll deal with it another time, pretend it's all really normal, everybody does it... Except, does everybody steal drugs? Really?

I hope you realise that you're addicted to codeine as well as alcohol. And I hope you go to AA or similar.

Or the utter classic, for me, Rachel's Holiday by Marian Keyes

Sober Recovery forums are really supportive, if they've not already been mentioned. I don't have the best relationship with alcohol and I still drink but am wary to never get drunk anymore-it's not easy. My DD is what stops me from crossing the line.

In fairness Miscellaneous I very much doubt she's nicking packets. It's normal if a nurse/HCA has a headache to take a couple of paracetamol from the trolley. Or a couple of ibuprofen if you have cramps.

I've no doubt people take a couple of Solpadeine or N+ just as much. So it can start off as quite innocent. It's just that in the OPs case it has slid down a slope of taking too many, too often. Too many trips back to the clinic room. Too many times someone has come in and seen it. It's only a matter of time before a colleague starts whispering about the amount of tablets StrongTea seems to "need" for her headaches.

Between that risk and the risk of the smell of booze, I am so glad OP that you're making this effort, cos I suspect you may have been skating nearer trouble than you allowed yourself to think.

nicebit. There is also a description of alcoholism in Marian Keyes'. 'This Charming Man' that really resonated with me.

It would actually be quite easy to steal codeine if you were in the right job to have access, without depriving patients at all. Having said that I would think it would be noticed that the codeine is going down quicker than it should be. It depends what setting the op works in as to how regulated and monitored it is. I hope she has stopped now. It would be crap to lose your job in that way.

Also, people, one thing at a time, right?

The OP's immediate concern is her alcohol intake. Yeah, the codeine is an issue, but right now the alcohol is the priority.

I cannot begin to describe how infuriating it was to have my now ex harping on about how I needed to quit smoking in the early days of my recovery from alcohol.

Just wanted to add, OP if last night wasn't the total success you planned, please don't be embarrassed.

I am in awe of the support on this thread. This is mumsnet at it's best.

Op, if it's stress that's causing you to need to drink then maybe you need to look at why you are stressed and seek help for that. Going onto anti-depressants or a course of CBT may help you cope without the need for alcohol. However, this all needs to go hand-in-hand with AA and any other help you seek for your drinking.

I think you are very brave admitting that you have a problem, asking for help and then actually acknowledging that your problem is worse than you thought and acting on the advice given.

Don't give up. Your DD will thank you in the long run.

Oh I was going to recommend Rachel's Holiday but was worried some people might think it was too facetious. It's a brilliant book, IMO - first time I read it I thought "wow, she researched that really well!" - then later found out that she hadn't "researched" it so much as lived it (if you didn't know, Marian Keyes is a recovering alcoholic). The stuff in This Charming Man is a lot darker, but also very useful in terms of pointing to how low alcoholics can get before they realise and take steps.

StrongTea - brilliant that you've taken the first step. From past experience (mine and friends'), socialising is likely to be a bit of a trial. There is something about people trying to give up something, that gets some people's backs up, so they'll try ad stick a spoke in your wheel, drag you back down etc. It's a bit like "tall poppy syndrome" - they can't bear anyone to get ahead, so cut you off at the knees wherever possible.
I've seen this with friends trying to give up smoking as well - their "friends" keep offering them a cig, saying "oh go on, it's only one, won't hurt" etc. - very damaging and unsupportive!

So I strongly advise you to avoid anyone who tries this sort of caper on you.

Another thing - if you start on this road in earnest, which I truly hope and believe you are doing, remember that one slip is JUST THAT - one slip. And that after one slip, you get your feet back on the straight and narrow road again and you stay on it.
"One slip" does not give you carte blanche to fall off the cliff into a binge of drinking again - that becomes your choice. Straight and narrow or "fuckit".

"Fuckit" is of course easier, but this isn't going to be easy.

And actually, I would say that getting off the codeine at the same time as the alcohol is a bloody good idea - you don't want to start a dependency on that, just as you're dumping the alcohol! Find a non-addictive painkiller to deal with any headaches, and stay away from the codeine.

Hi , just checking back into the thread and once again I'm bowled over by the wonderful support on here. As a pp said truly mumsnet at it's best.

I've had my first full day off booze since January and am almost through my second. Last night was comparably easier than today. My 'safe' children's birthday party actually had bottes of fizz on offer and the idea of having just a glass or two then jumping into a ball pit seemed like a vision of heaven itself! I didn't cave however and got asked why? And won't you just have one glass over and over.

Now to address some of the issues brought up.
miscellaneous everything you mentioned is of course valid and every time I've snuck a few tabs of the drug trolley I've had that WTF am I doing moment. If I was caught it would be career over in a heartbeat. I would never however leave patients in pain to satisfy my own needs. Luckily I'm not physically dependent on them as I can and do go many days between using codeine at all and without any ill effects. I've not taken any today.

Thank you for all the recovery literature recommendations.
I'm going to take steps to address why I drink like this. Somethings not right and I know this.

I think you are magnificent

Well done on not caving! And there it is straight away the "oh go on, just have the one, what harm can it do?" Straight. Away.

Ignore this. Just be polite and firm - "No, I'm not having a drink today, thanks". Don't give excuses, don't explain unless you feel you WANT to - this is your business, not theirs. And see those people less.

I read a novel recently that had this in it "One drink is too many, and yet a thousand is never enough" - not sure if that's from AA or similar, probably is, but it was quoted in the novel. Even if it's not from AA, it's a good saying to remember, I think.

Again - well done for sticking to your plan.

I am also determined to stop. I recently read the outrun by Amy Liptrot about her addiction to booze and her mode back up to Orkney to overcome it. Full of salient insight into drinking and stopping-well worth a read. It's also a beautiful book I terms of nature writing.

Glad to hear you're still resolute. That's really good.

Thanks

OP, I drink very lightly, but I still get pressured to drink more, despite not always wanting to, and I usually say things like "Can't, I am on medication" (true at the moment), "Don't fancy a drink, bit under the weather", "Off the sauce at the moment" (people then assume I have been overdoing it and want a break) and if all else fails, I take a glass and then spill it, pour it into a plant pot or swap it with someone's empty. I don't like the idea people think they can make me drink this stuff when I don't want to. I get drunk very quickly and I have to be really careful. I also don't like feeling pickled, which happens quickly as well. I like to be in control of things and feel good, not crap. The recovering alcoholics I know start to think along those lines as well (and often ditch friends who encourage them to drink).

With regard to opiates I have SPD and quite frankly can get anything I want. I usually end up taking a lot of it back to the chemist for disposal as it makes me feel woozy. When I asked how come I was given all these really serious painkillers full of codeine when it said on Solpadeine boxes that you could get addicted after 3 days, they basically said they didn't worry about giving it to me as it was clear I didn't really want it. Paradoxically.

I can't imagine a situation in which I would be knocking back the codeine phosphate and a load of red wine unless quite frankly there was a looming extinction level event and I knew I was about to see the human species torn to shreds by a meteor. Even then knowing me I would ration it a bit just in case the meteor missed Earth and I needed my wits about me.

I think you need to think a bit more along those lines when making choices. Which I reckon you are starting to do. I think you have made excellent progress this weekend and done great things. Hopefully AA will work for you.

I'm happy to pm with anyone who needs support.