Really worried I handled this badly... 'fat' comments and DS

[LeadTheWay]

Quick background - After having ds2 I was quite over weight, I've been eating very healthily and running alot and dropped over 4 stone. I still have a bit to lose but only about another stone or so. I've had a lot of support from my family and my husband, so my children been aware I'm trying to be healthier and want to lose weight and have been really interested in knowing about healthy foods etc.

So today I was out with my 5 yr old DS1, we passed a lady who was very obese - as we passed her, and really were very close, DS1 said really loudly to me - 'Mummy why is that lady so very, very fat - that can't be good for her heart or bones'. He said it very matter of fact, rather than in a nasty way ifkwim. She obviously heard and I felt awful so I said 'I'm so sorry, he really didn't mean that like that - I've been trying to lose weight so we've had a lot of conversations about health and fitness things - I'm so sorry'. I admit this wasn't probably a great or very eloquent response but I was caught of guard. She just snapped 'maybe you should teach him some fucking manners instead'. I was a quite taken back and just said 'I'm sorry but please I don't think that language is necessary - he's five, he didn't mean it as an insult'. At which point Ds piped up 'you could go running with my mummy'. We hurried off at this point, but as I looked back I am sure this woman was crying.

I've been there where I've felt people's looks and comments and it hurts - I feel terrible. I know she shouldn't have sworn but I think she was just really upset. We were in a very public place and a number of people must have heard the exchange.

I had a really long chat with DS about appropriate comments etc and being respectful of how everyone is different, but can't shake the feeling I should have handled it differently and cannot shake the image of her crying.

I want to go back and say sorry.

It just seems like a very unfortunate situation. At the end of the day, she had every right to be offended and was probably really embarrassed too. It might not have been right to swear in front of a five year old, but she must have felt really hurt and humiliated and reacted based on this so it is understandable. But you did do everything you could to try to resolve the issue by apologising. Try not to feel bad OP, its just one of those things. Kids really can get you into awkward positions sometimes!

My daughter called my mum a "fatty bum bum" at Christmas. My mum was mortified and went straight to slimming world and lost 3st...
Unfortunately, children can be brutal. He's made an observation of this lady, and compared it to you losing weight and has no realisation that it could potentially hurt the feelings of the lady. Children don't think before they speak.
Mine definitely doesn't... Especially since she told my ex's new GF that I think she's a "fucking dipshit" after earwigging on a conversation I had on the phone thinking she wasn't in earshot...

Don't worry too much, it happens! However she shouldn't of told you to teach your child some fucking manners. It would've been worse had you called her fat. So don't stress about it.

I think you were caught off guard and rather lovely in feeling such guilt over how to respond and whther you did it right.
but I do have to agree with other posters a young lad of 5 shouldn't be worried or know ANYTHING of weight fats food or not. don't shout me down I mean this in the broadest of senses but at 5 they should be little pigs eating what the hell they want and not giving a crap lol.not knowing what in it just knowing its food and lovely.
and whether done in a healthful way I remember being surround from a young age by parents with weight losses and food fats health good bad loss gains going on and it really stuck in my head and because I was so young I didn't understand therefore picked up that on all the wrong things to do with food because my parent was too.

You teach kids how to behave then people will have no cause to become upset and swear in front of your little precious

Yes,...this was said/suggested up thread...

Piece
You asked would I be arguing if the CHILD had said 'That woman is black.

I responded to that because it was a stupid comparison. You now enlarge on that by suggesting what the OP would say in that scenario. All speculation.
I doubt a black person would respond by swearing and getting upset that a child observed they were black.
As said many times,..the OP IS teaching her child...she was embarrassed and flustered her way through a response, which she is worried about... which was the whole point.
It's not difficult!

It was an unfortunate situation all around - I don't think it's right she swore, but I understand why she did. I don't think you were trying to brag about weight loss, it's clear you were trying to excuse the comment.

I'm not sure why people are jumping all over the fact the child is 5, that covers a whole year of life & experience and nearly 6 is different to recently 5.

What he said was unfortunate but wasn't cruelly meant.

I think it's a minefield really, because it's not come up for us yet but I want my son to understand you don't judge people on looks and people are all shapes & sizes and it's OK to be bigger. But then what happens if he remarks on someone's weight because he doesn't think that's a negative thing to say. It doesn't help with the battering from the media, watching Ben & Holly the other day, it was clear that 'fat' was something to be embarrassed about

Im going to get flamed for this, but every obese person I know would laugh it off/ make a joke of it.

My Godmother- she would just joke, although explain her weight was also down to arthritis/ medication.

No-one I know would swear at a 5 year old.

She didn't swear at the 5 year old. She swore at his mum who was defending his right to both comment on her appearance and offer advice.

Unfortunately my kids having social/communication issues will still say this stuff, even though two of them are now secondary age. The key as far as I'm concerned us not long, convoluted explanations but correction "X, it isn't kind to comment on y" and then brief apology and explanation if time.

Firstly - congratulations on the weight loss!!! Secondly, five year olds have no filter, and anyone who's ever met one would know that. I think that you handled that very well and while her reaction may have been extreme, perhaps it is going to inspire her to work on herself.

I have lost around 8 stone and have a bit more to go (maybe 1.5) which tells you that I was VERY VERY fat. (I'm short, as well.... didn't help). I just want to give you a gentle warning about involving your kids too much in your weightloss journey. I have recently changed how food is discussed completely since I discovered my underweight daughter squeezing her tummy and asking if she was getting fat. (She wasn't playing - Eating disorders run in my family, and I have been there, done that as well, so I am now watching for the signs)... Mine are now told that my weightloss is just an added benefit to getting healthy - and that food is fuel to provide strength, energy and growth, and that junk food detracts from that, etc....

Being someone who has been pretty lardy I would have taken it as it was, a young child making an observation that clearly didn't have malicious intent. The woman was being totally unreasonable.

Got again it would be the op's comments not the child's - and the fact the child went on to offer more comments that would have upset and angered me.
That is my point. The op had no need to excuse him by saying anything about how she had lost weight - as she would have treated any other observation

Floggingmolly
She swore at his mum who was defending his right to both comment on her appearance and offer advice.

Such a distortion of the information given by the OP, who was embarrassed and apologetic. It seems to me that she was giving some background information to her son's comment, in an effort to lessen its impact - she was not defending her son's right to make the comments. Otherwise why would she bother to have a long chat with him afterwards about appropriate comments etc and being respectful of how everyone is different?

That is my point. The op had no need to excuse him by saying anything about how she had lost weight - as she would have treated any other observation

Correct...she didn't have to say anything but OP explained she was embarrased and she was flustered.. I think she regrets saying anything.

No one should go on a diet to 'lose weight' as their main intention anyway. The aim should be health and to change your eating habits to healthy choices for life.
Losing weight is the bonus to that. Everyone I know who ever went on a diet to lose weight put it back on again. Those who changed their lifestyle stayed a healthy weight.

Lurked - to be honest, I think you're being deliberately obtuse now. Well, it's either that or you're suffering from a significant lack of comprehension skills. Who knows?

As I have repeatedly said, I have discussed these concepts with my four year old. We have talked about how someone would quite likely be offended if called fat. We have talked about how they quite likely wouldn't be offended if they were referred to as being tall. I have not told my child it is ok to walk around pointing at strangers and attributing certain characteristics to them, whether or not these are deemed good or bad by the society in which we live, as you appear to believe. My DC has asked me why it's 'ok' to say certain words and not others. For want of a better explanation, that's because our society values thinness and not fatness. No - I don't think that's right either, but it's the way it is! In general terms (and I am really struggling to simplify this any further) if a preschooler is asked to describe someone, and they say that the person is thin, tall and has brown hair, they won't be told they're being unkind. If they were to substitute thin for fat, the chances are they would be!

It seems to me that you grossly misinterpreted my initial post and are now doing all you can to pick apart any comments I have made here in order to justify your (unnecessary) ire. How pathetic. I spent years studying linguistics. You've picked the wrong person to argue etymology with.

And inane? Not inane at all You're just unable to understand the example I offered up.

npower perhaps more time spent on logic, comprehension and reading would have been of benefit, as you are spectacularly missing my point. I understand your example perfectly well. I just happen to strongly disagree with your inane line of reasoning that it is ok to use thin, but not fat.

I'm not sure how I can simplify this any further, but what you seem to be unable to comprehend is that calling people thin can be just as offensive calling them fat.

Perhaps along with logic, you would be wise to also enlighten yourself on basic social etiquette.

for your linguistic studies. I'm very impressed, it must have been especially hard when your basic comprehension skills are clearly lacking.

I'm not sure how I can simplify this any further, but what you seem to be unable to comprehend is that calling people thin can be just as offensive calling them fat

It seems that the biggest problem is people being offended. I would get good if people dealt with whatever issues they have. Accept themselves and did not go ballistic if a young child makes a remark.

It takes time for children to learn things. You don't have to have intense discussions with children about these issues. Set an example and teach as you go along. In the meantime, a child may well say something that horrifies all the adults around them...Everyone can have a nervous breakdown about it....or they can accept its a learning curve.
I feel sorry for kids having all this angst around them.

It would be good.... not I would get good.

Ah okay - because dealing with our issues is such a piece of piss...

And yet again - it wasn't the kid's original comment that had pissed most people off, it's the explanation that the OP gave, coupled with the fact that the child had to chime in again.

Horrible situation. You panicked, she was mortified, you both overreacted a bit. Forgive yourself. She probably feels awful for swearing in front of your wee lad.

I would imagine that feeling awful that she swore was probably the list of her problems at the time.

And if his mother isn't going to handle this sort of situation well in the future, then the child will probably get used to hearing swearing!

*least of her problems

Ah okay - because dealing with our issues is such a piece of piss.And yet again - it wasn't the kid's original comment that had pissed most people off, it's the explanation that the OP gave, coupled with the fact that the child had to chime in again

Who said it was a piece of piss? Of course it's not. I would think you owe it to yourself.but of course you don't have to bother

And yet again....how many more times... OP was worried about what she said...she was flustered and embarrassed. It was unfortunate but it happened! She can't undo it...she would probably never do it again.
Do you reckon some punishment is in order?

I would love to deal with my issues - sadly I can't afford to, and the NHS MH services are rather stretched.

No I don't think punishment is in order but the OP is right to feel bad. Hopefully she will learn from it and next time (because there will be a next time), she will just take the child away from the situation before he imparts even more wisdom.

Anyway the OP has long since fucked off so it's fairly pointless anyway

Maybe some people have problems that they can't 'just deal with'
It's not that simple.