Really worried I handled this badly... 'fat' comments and DS

[LeadTheWay]

Quick background - After having ds2 I was quite over weight, I've been eating very healthily and running alot and dropped over 4 stone. I still have a bit to lose but only about another stone or so. I've had a lot of support from my family and my husband, so my children been aware I'm trying to be healthier and want to lose weight and have been really interested in knowing about healthy foods etc.

So today I was out with my 5 yr old DS1, we passed a lady who was very obese - as we passed her, and really were very close, DS1 said really loudly to me - 'Mummy why is that lady so very, very fat - that can't be good for her heart or bones'. He said it very matter of fact, rather than in a nasty way ifkwim. She obviously heard and I felt awful so I said 'I'm so sorry, he really didn't mean that like that - I've been trying to lose weight so we've had a lot of conversations about health and fitness things - I'm so sorry'. I admit this wasn't probably a great or very eloquent response but I was caught of guard. She just snapped 'maybe you should teach him some fucking manners instead'. I was a quite taken back and just said 'I'm sorry but please I don't think that language is necessary - he's five, he didn't mean it as an insult'. At which point Ds piped up 'you could go running with my mummy'. We hurried off at this point, but as I looked back I am sure this woman was crying.

I've been there where I've felt people's looks and comments and it hurts - I feel terrible. I know she shouldn't have sworn but I think she was just really upset. We were in a very public place and a number of people must have heard the exchange.

I had a really long chat with DS about appropriate comments etc and being respectful of how everyone is different, but can't shake the feeling I should have handled it differently and cannot shake the image of her crying.

I want to go back and say sorry.

[RandomBlueHat]

OK, she didn't swear at him. She swore about him, in front of him. He's 5, I still think that is out of order.

[228agreenend]

Five year olds do unfortunately say things as they see it, although it sounds like he was trying to be helpful, not rude. You apologised so did the right thing.

i think she was actually ruder by swearing.

Well done on loosing the weight!

[Floggingmolly]

Nobody needs (or would appreciate) a solution to their weight problem being "offered" by a precocious 5 year old, Random. Don't be absurd

[Skittlesss]

I agree with Floggingmolly. I would never involve my 5 yr old in my own weight issues to the extent that she comments on the weight and health of strangers. I don't think it's right really.

[WorraLiberty]

I think he'll get over hearing the word 'fucking' much faster than this woman will get over hearing how fat she is, from a strange child.

[WorraLiberty]

OP I didn't mean your child is strange

I meant as in stranger!

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

LeadTheWay. Neither DS nor you did anything wrong.

I'm very overweight too and if I'd heard your DS say that I'd have said 'You are right, it's not very good for my heart or my bones. I'm very fat because my body doesn't work very well. It makes me sad, but I try to be happy about other things 😊'

Then I'd smile at you and we'd all go on our way.

Of course it hurts, but the fact is I'm fat. Children notice. There's nothing wrong with children noticing things, they learn which things are ok to comment on (that lady has a pretty dress) & those that are better not to comment on (that lady is fat/that man smells). But it shouldn't be hammered into them & he's only 5 asking a perfectly reasonable question. He wasn't being nasty. I'll happily answer any child that asks, and I'll happily tell older ones, who ARE being nasty, off.

On the other hand, no matter how upset she was, she had NO right to speak to you like that and to swear like that. Far, far, far worse behaviour than what your DS did so don't give her another thought.

[heateallthebuns]

You or your ds were not rude. 5 year olds do things like that all the time. I know I asked a health visitor 'do you tell lies' because she had a big nose, when I was five. She said 'no I just have a big nose'. Although no doubt that was very hurtful! My ds said to the electricity meter reader he was fat at five also. It's what they do at that age. All you can do is explain its wrong to pass comments like that, they dont know that properly yet, they're still learning that kind of awareness.

Swearing in front of a five year old like that is unacceptable, she's the rude one, regardless of her feelings being hurt. He struck a raw nerve, but she should have controlled herself.

[myownprivateidaho]

Saucy Hmm, but the little boy had already alluded to a relationship between size and health. So the explanation showed that he didn't know about this because his mum was a slim person who liked to carp on about how unhealthy overweight people are (as the lady might otherwise have assumed), but that she had spoken about it as someone who had experienced being overweight herself. I think that the explanation showed that the comment wasn't meanspirited. But idk, maybe it would have been better just to leave it. But as the OP says, it's hard to think of the right thing to say on the spur of the moment, so in the circumstances I don't think she's done badly.

[blue2014]

My god, I'm pretty overweight too and I think this woman was rude not you. He's 5, he wasn't judging but pointing out a fact. You did all you I think, let it go now

[RandomBlueHat]

Nobody needs (or would appreciate) a solution to their weight problem being "offered" by a precocious 5 year old, Random. Don't be absurd.

Where did I say she should appreciate it? I was trying to get people to see it from the 5-yr-old's perspective. He was not being rude. She was.

[LeadTheWay]

Its not been a huge thing in our household but we have had conversations about foods that are good for our heart and bones and food that is not - thats all and normally in prompt from stuff at school. I agree he shouldn't have said it but he is only just 5 and learning.
I don't think she swore at him, she swore at me.

[GinIsIn]

well, he probably should be upset as he did upset her! You shouldn't be discussing your weight so much in front of your child that this is the way he thinks, and your explanation really did make things worse for the woman - you basically said "look at me, I used to be fat like you but I'm not now" Time for a conversation about not making personal comments with your DS, and even though the woman was a bit rude you can't blame her in the slightest as your DS And your behaviour was very hurtful!

[NPowerShitShower]

Such a tricky one and I think you did your best after being caught off guard. I have a four year old and we have had many discussions about why we're not supposed to comment on people being fat, but it's ok to say someone is tall, or thin, or has brown hair... Children say what they see. His observation was factual. It's deemed not to be polite as society in general looks down on those who are overweight. If he'd said someone looked thin, and say they'd just finished a weight loss programme, I'm sure he'd have had a very different, much more positive response. The thing is, how's a child to know/understand this? It's not the OP's son's fault that 'fat' is a negative characteristic in Western society (though it's obviously the place of parents to convey politeness/etiquette/social norms to their children).

This reminds me of the debates we see on here about thin people who also get upset with constantly being called skinny. But since thin/skinny are largely seen as compliments, they're not meant to be offended in the same way that someone who is overweight and called fat might be.

[GrumpyMcGrumpFace]

I think move on from here. He's only 5, but now you have the opportunity to discuss with him how it's not kind to make remarks about people's appearances - I'm sure he would never want to hurt anyone.

And just for the record: I think Random's comment that the remark was justifiable comes from an assumption that the woman can do something about her weight, and perhaps should do if she wants people not to make remarks. So I'd just like to point out that not everyone can just do that. Not everyone has to either. In neither case should anyone be "called out" on it.

[DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen]

I think, on reflection, you should've told him to zip it. I think you just dug the hole deeper with your explanation TBH x100

[SouthWestmom]

I don't know . Your explanation probably came across a bit holier than thou really. Sometimes I think we just have to parent , forgot our teeth and accept criticism . Eg my ds is 8 and we are in the middle of adhd assessment. He's awful, absolutely awful if we go out, racing round, not listening, crashing about and I am so mortified all the time. I always say sorry and leave it at that. Some people smile, some look like they want to kill me.

[SouthWestmom]

Forget our teeth?
'Grit'

[Lurkedforever1]

I think by 5 children should know not to make personal comments, at least in public. At 3 I could understand it.

Especially as you have clearly already shared that it isn't a positive thing: At 3 dd didn't think fat was a negative word, to her the context was 'gorgeous fat babies' 'cute fat wriggly puppy' etc. And so she wouldn't have considered pointing out someone was fat as a bad thing. However she could understand we don't comment on others.

[TheWildRumpyPumpus]

Neither you or your son know what the lady's situation is, whether she has medical issues, eating disorder history or other reasons she is overweight.

Your explanation about 'the benefits of healthy eating, exercise etc' were completely inappropriate whatever the circumstances. You should have just told your son off for commenting about her.

[GrumpyMcGrumpFace]

So for OP my advice would be to tell your son that it's always best to be kind, and be generous, and try never to say something that will hurt a person's feelings. I think most 5 year olds can cope with that.

[LeadTheWay]

OP, maybe you should have responded in a way that considered the feelings of the poor woman, not just your 'sensitive' child? I would have said, "We don't say things like that, apologise immediately.' But that's me.

Pearlman - I didn't mean in the situation I was commenting in response to a suggestion about not having the long conversation - as soon as we were passed I sat down with him and did reprimand him and then had a long chat about it.