Really worried I handled this badly... 'fat' comments and DS

[LeadTheWay]

Quick background - After having ds2 I was quite over weight, I've been eating very healthily and running alot and dropped over 4 stone. I still have a bit to lose but only about another stone or so. I've had a lot of support from my family and my husband, so my children been aware I'm trying to be healthier and want to lose weight and have been really interested in knowing about healthy foods etc.

So today I was out with my 5 yr old DS1, we passed a lady who was very obese - as we passed her, and really were very close, DS1 said really loudly to me - 'Mummy why is that lady so very, very fat - that can't be good for her heart or bones'. He said it very matter of fact, rather than in a nasty way ifkwim. She obviously heard and I felt awful so I said 'I'm so sorry, he really didn't mean that like that - I've been trying to lose weight so we've had a lot of conversations about health and fitness things - I'm so sorry'. I admit this wasn't probably a great or very eloquent response but I was caught of guard. She just snapped 'maybe you should teach him some fucking manners instead'. I was a quite taken back and just said 'I'm sorry but please I don't think that language is necessary - he's five, he didn't mean it as an insult'. At which point Ds piped up 'you could go running with my mummy'. We hurried off at this point, but as I looked back I am sure this woman was crying.

I've been there where I've felt people's looks and comments and it hurts - I feel terrible. I know she shouldn't have sworn but I think she was just really upset. We were in a very public place and a number of people must have heard the exchange.

I had a really long chat with DS about appropriate comments etc and being respectful of how everyone is different, but can't shake the feeling I should have handled it differently and cannot shake the image of her crying.

I want to go back and say sorry.

[fascicle]

LiviaDrusillaAugusta
Believe it or not, many randomers wouldn't welcome a child offering an opinion about something that is personal. 'That lady is fat' - embarrassing but apologise and move on. 'It's not healthy, you can go running etc' well the lady was right and he DOES need to learn some fucking manners.

It's not about learning manners, Livia. It's about learning the subtleties of what is and isn't appropriate to say in the way of personal comments. It's about unwritten rules in society. Not something that will be hardwired into a 5 year old child. OP's son was not really offering an opinion - he was doing what 5 year olds do - repeating information that he has picked up.

IceBeing
Both the Op and the woman made the same mistake. They blamed the 5 yo.

OP has not blamed her son. She is blaming herself (unnecessarily, in my opinion).

The woman should have told the Op to get some manners / a grip, not implied the 5yo was at fault.

Odd suggestion. The OP was not lacking in manners (and neither was her son). It's not about manners.

[RevoltingPeasant]

OP sounds like you have thought about and learnt from this thread. That's all you can do. I feel sorry for both you and the woman.

I'm a bit at all the earlier comments implying that the OP couldn't have really said what she said, or that she was making up her DS words. I don't think her explanation was 'fluently verbose' and I can totally ( ) imagine that I would have said something similarly 'helpful' as a 5yo. He probably didn't understand that the lady had just sworn at his mum because he probably doesn't know the word fuck.

[RevoltingPeasant]

Also kids pick up random distorted images of what you say to them.

My mum's mum died of lung cancer when DM was 19 and my own DSis had an aggressive Stage 3 tumour, diagnosed at 10 mos. As you might imagine, we grew up knowing very clearly that smoking causes cancer and that we should eat healthily and exercise to reduce the risks of cancer.

However, a 5yo won't get all the nuances associated with that type of message. They will just know: 'My grandma died from smoking - smoking is bad'. It takes time to educate them in understanding the incredibly complex issues behind addiction and destructive lifestyle behaviours. As long as you're now clued in to helping DS develop a filter, imo you're fine.

[NPowerShitShower]

Oh Lurked, you just don't give up, do you? And at you repeating my own arguments back at me practically word for word. How sweet! I'm flattered. I'm going to refer you back to your first nasty, unprovoked comment directed at me a couple of days back. Remember, the one where you implied I was stupid when I said it was considered socially acceptable to describe someone as thin but not as fat? (Which is generally is, as many PPs here attest to.) Maybe it's actually you who suffers from that same fate? Sarcasm and personal attacks don't become you, you know. But as previously, thanks for the laughs.

[Highlandfling80]

A few thoughts. Lovely replies from a few teachers on here who confirm that 5 year old will make comments like this. Incise normal.
As a parent I wouldn't have considered educating my child to not comment about appearances. As a result Dd1 did similar but thankfully out of earshot of the lady. I learnt the hard way like the op has.
I am obese too. My weight has yo-yo'd a bit since DC but have lost the weight I gained after Dd1 birth. I have only once had a child ask me if I had twins in my tummy. I just said. No my baby is here. It was a little embarrassing but no need to swear.

[Highlandfling80]

O and if child has just finished reception he is a young 5 and has probably learnt about healthy eating at school.

[Lurkedforever1]

npower I doubt you were as amused as I was at your post. Using etymology in the wrong context in an attempt to prove your superior understanding and knowledge of the meaning of words was hilarious.

[NPowerShitShower]

@ Lurked

Looks like the joke's on you.

Etymology wasn't actually used in the wrong context (not that I'd want to sound superior ). On that highly entertaining own goal, I'll end this little tiff there.

Kudos to you for trying to brazen it out and I wish you luck as you continue to swear the earth is flat, that black is white and - oh yeah, that all the things you have said I've said upthread are actually there Must be some crazy fantasyland you live in...

[Lurkedforever1]

Perhaps you should look up the meaning of the word.