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Original poster

Really worried I handled this badly... 'fat' comments and DS

334 replies

LeadTheWay · 12/08/2016 16:25

Quick background - After having ds2 I was quite over weight, I've been eating very healthily and running alot and dropped over 4 stone. I still have a bit to lose but only about another stone or so. I've had a lot of support from my family and my husband, so my children been aware I'm trying to be healthier and want to lose weight and have been really interested in knowing about healthy foods etc.

So today I was out with my 5 yr old DS1, we passed a lady who was very obese - as we passed her, and really were very close, DS1 said really loudly to me - 'Mummy why is that lady so very, very fat - that can't be good for her heart or bones'. He said it very matter of fact, rather than in a nasty way ifkwim. She obviously heard and I felt awful so I said 'I'm so sorry, he really didn't mean that like that - I've been trying to lose weight so we've had a lot of conversations about health and fitness things - I'm so sorry'. I admit this wasn't probably a great or very eloquent response but I was caught of guard. She just snapped 'maybe you should teach him some fucking manners instead'. I was a quite taken back and just said 'I'm sorry but please I don't think that language is necessary - he's five, he didn't mean it as an insult'. At which point Ds piped up 'you could go running with my mummy'. We hurried off at this point, but as I looked back I am sure this woman was crying.

I've been there where I've felt people's looks and comments and it hurts - I feel terrible. I know she shouldn't have sworn but I think she was just really upset. We were in a very public place and a number of people must have heard the exchange.

I had a really long chat with DS about appropriate comments etc and being respectful of how everyone is different, but can't shake the feeling I should have handled it differently and cannot shake the image of her crying.

I want to go back and say sorry.

OP posts:
DietCockBreak · 13/08/2016 00:53

You never know it might be the straw that breaks the camels back and pushes her to be healthier Or it might be the straw that breaks the camel's back and she kills herself. I have depression. The thought has crossed my mind after less tbh.

To be fair to the woman, she was right, you should have taught him some fucking manners! Hopefully you have now told him very clearly never to mention how fat someone is in public (or at all). It was a horrible experience for all of you, but now the lesson has been learnt there's nothing more you can really do. Try not to beat yourself up about it, it wasn't intentional and you did your best at the time.

Lurkedforever1 · 13/08/2016 08:59

I don't think anyone has said 5yr olds shouldn't be aware of healthy lifestyles. But as someone else said, if they can understand that at 5, they can certainly understand we don't make personal comments.

My dd had a reasonable knowledge of nutrition and health by that age, partly through daily life, partly because she has always been fascinated by biology. But at no point did I feel the need to inform her that the consequence to avoid was being fat. We discussed things like the nutrients our bodies need and the damage of eating too much of one thing. But never in terms of being fat if you don't.

Basicbrown · 13/08/2016 09:17

My dd did something similar when she was 3. I was waiting at the doctors and the previous patient came out. She said 'That's a very fat doctor mummy. I don't want to see a fat doctor.' I was horrified and reacted by talking to dd about making personal comments. In the style of a verbal 3 year old she wouldn't accept she was in the wrong at the time though Blush. The woman dashed past I don't think me accosting her to apologise would have helped. Thankfully she's never done anything like it since!

I sympathise op it was so awful.

Gottagetmoving · 13/08/2016 09:38

A 5 year old will say 'That lady is fat' in the same way they would say 'That door is green' etc.
It's an observation. It doesn't mean they are being rude. It doesn't mean they are not being taught manners either. Eventually they will fall into the rules we all follow....don't dare say anything in case someone gets offended, whether it's true or not.

SolomanDaisy · 13/08/2016 09:53

Gotta, not at five if their parents have made any effort. At three, yes. By five there will have been plenty of opportunities to teach them not to.

YorkieDorkie · 13/08/2016 09:54

Yes really flogging Hmm. Lots of people have something happen to them which makes them think "right, this is it". I've done it myself. My example was when I was out with my friends and a random man literally lifted me off the floor in a bar and then preceded to tell everyone how "fucking heavy" I was. That moment made me lose over 3 stones.

I thought that would have been patronisingly obvious to most tbh.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 13/08/2016 09:58

Yorkie and there are people who would have been made to feel ten times more shit by a bloke like that (particularly if they have anxiety/self harm issues) so its not a huge jump to not see what the OP's child said as a positive step.

harverina · 13/08/2016 10:04

I actually think the OP handled it fine - there probably wasn't very much that she could have said to the women to make her feel better. She would have been mortified.

I am overweight and trying hard to get fit and healthy again. This year I have joined the gym and changed my diet and this has resulted in my 6 year old asking questions - we don't speak about losing weight but like the OP we speak about certain foods being healthier and better for our heart. We also speak about foods that aren't so healthy being good in small amounts. It's good for young children to begin to learn about health and nutrition. Nothing wrong with it at all.

The OP's son is 5...FIVE!! It's not unusual for children this age to make comments like that as he wont know it was hurtful - hopefully he will now because OP has spoken to him about it. That's what being a child is all about. Learning and learning from experiences. The women was rude - if a small child made a comment like that about me I would just have said it was ok, as he is a child. I would be upset of course but I wild to have reacted in the way the women did.

soyvanillalatte · 13/08/2016 10:06

I wouldn't worry. This is a great learning opportunity for your son OP.

Time to teach him that everyone is different and everyone should be respected, no matter their size, and that none of us know what is going on in other people's lives. (Oh and that saying people are fat sometimes hurts their feelings).

Dawndonnaagain · 13/08/2016 10:07

hello
Do try reading other people's posts, there are many reasons for people being overweight. When taking mirtazipine for example, it doesn't matter how healthy a diet you have, or how much you exercise, the likelihood is weight gain will prevail. Same with long courses of prednisalone. So kindly keep your self righteous opinions to yourself, you are not dealing in facts, you are dealing in hurtful nonsense.

KeyserSophie · 13/08/2016 10:13

I think you do have to drum it into kids quite early that it's never acceptable to make personal comments- e.g. DS (5) knows that smoking is bad for you and if you do it a lot it can kill you, but he also knows I'll go postal if he starts lecturing adults who are trying to enjoy their fags on how it's going to kill them. They know and either they (1) don't care or (2) do care but can't stop smoking. Either way, they don't need his input.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 13/08/2016 10:14

Great learning opportunity for the child?

He can understand the issue of being fat and the strain on bones and heart but not understand that it's incredibly rude to make comments like that? The woman was right - he needs to learn some fucking manners.

soyvanillalatte · 13/08/2016 10:15

Livia that was my polite way of saying he needs to learn some fucking manners

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 13/08/2016 10:18

Sorry that came out wrong - I wasn't having a pop at you, just pointing out that the child apparently understands the nuances of being overweight but doesn't get that you don't say stuff like that.

Gottagetmoving · 13/08/2016 10:36

I think adults should learn not to be so fucking offended by the words of a small child.
If you are fat, you know you are. Learn to love yourself. If you get offended its because you don't love yourself. If you don't respect yourself then why would you expect others to?

I have been fat. I knew I was. I was never offended by someone describing me as fat and would certainly not have got angry if a child said it.

Bantanddec · 13/08/2016 10:44

Don't worry about it at least you apologised and didn't ignore what he said, it's easy to look back and think of all the clever replies you could have said!!

Grilledaubergines · 13/08/2016 10:52

He's only 5, and was being matter of fact. Don't think any more about it OP. It's an awkward situation but her reaction was down to embarrassment because what he said is true. And I say that as someone who was much much Larger not so long ago.

ShelaghTurner · 13/08/2016 10:58

Gottagetmoving that's great, but just maybe others aren't as robust as you. I know I'm not. I try to be but loving yourself doesn't come naturally to a lot of people.

WetPaint4 · 13/08/2016 11:29

Don't beat yourself up over this OP. Most of us have been in that position where something unexpected occurs and we babble a bit, then think of a better way to have handled it later.

The fat woman was out of order though. Since when is it okay to respond to a child's perceived rudeness with more rudeness and nastiness? I'm obese and I've been shamed by children before. Yes it hurts, yes your face burns but I can't believe people think that level of language is acceptable in front of a child who was innocently expressing concern based on his home experiences.

Let it go. You apologised and tried to fix it and maybe it didn't work out the way you intended but in this instance the fat woman was the only one who was intentionally nasty. Just teach your son that comments about others should be kept to himself.

pieceofpurplesky · 13/08/2016 11:39

I would imagine the woman would have been able to ignore the child if the op hadn't barged in with an excuse and a lecture

NavyandWhite · 13/08/2016 11:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fascicle · 13/08/2016 11:52

I don't think you did anything wrong, OP. The explanation doesn't sound like a lecture to me - just an explanation and some context to your son's remark. You spoke to him afterwards about it - not sure what more you could have done. Telling him off wouldn't have been appropriate - subtlety, diplomacy and thinking about things from other people's point of view aren't instinctive, especially not at 5.

The woman was upset and reacted angrily at the time, but it's possible that your explanation to her might have made more sense to her later on.

Gottagetmoving · 13/08/2016 12:47

that's great, but just maybe others aren't as robust as you. I know I'm not. I try to be but loving yourself doesn't come naturally to a lot of people

True...but don't blame other people, especially a child, for how you feel.

Lurkedforever1 · 13/08/2016 13:14

Seriously, it's now ok to comment to someone provided it is factually true? And they should just accept it on that basis and learn to love themselves? Perhaps people would have the self esteem to brush off the odd ill phrased remark if society as a whole didn't spend so much time judging other people's appearances and placing so much importance on it.

A 5yr old wouldn't mean it to be hurtful, but again we are back to the point that by 5 the parents should have already educated them to the fact it is wrong.

GetAHaircutCarl · 13/08/2016 13:23

We have to teach our DC that it is unacceptable to comment in public on the appearance of others.

And it is unacceptable to stare.

For those who don't follow this self evident rule of civilised society, don't whine when someone tells your child that they look less than perfect.