Really worried I handled this badly... 'fat' comments and DS

[LeadTheWay]

Quick background - After having ds2 I was quite over weight, I've been eating very healthily and running alot and dropped over 4 stone. I still have a bit to lose but only about another stone or so. I've had a lot of support from my family and my husband, so my children been aware I'm trying to be healthier and want to lose weight and have been really interested in knowing about healthy foods etc.

So today I was out with my 5 yr old DS1, we passed a lady who was very obese - as we passed her, and really were very close, DS1 said really loudly to me - 'Mummy why is that lady so very, very fat - that can't be good for her heart or bones'. He said it very matter of fact, rather than in a nasty way ifkwim. She obviously heard and I felt awful so I said 'I'm so sorry, he really didn't mean that like that - I've been trying to lose weight so we've had a lot of conversations about health and fitness things - I'm so sorry'. I admit this wasn't probably a great or very eloquent response but I was caught of guard. She just snapped 'maybe you should teach him some fucking manners instead'. I was a quite taken back and just said 'I'm sorry but please I don't think that language is necessary - he's five, he didn't mean it as an insult'. At which point Ds piped up 'you could go running with my mummy'. We hurried off at this point, but as I looked back I am sure this woman was crying.

I've been there where I've felt people's looks and comments and it hurts - I feel terrible. I know she shouldn't have sworn but I think she was just really upset. We were in a very public place and a number of people must have heard the exchange.

I had a really long chat with DS about appropriate comments etc and being respectful of how everyone is different, but can't shake the feeling I should have handled it differently and cannot shake the image of her crying.

I want to go back and say sorry.

[Gottagetmoving]

I would love to deal with my issues - sadly I can't afford to, and the NHS MH services are rather stretched

They are not always that good anyway. I found self help books useful and there are self help groups too. I am not being flippant either.
I am sure OP learned from the experience and I am sure she will pass that on to her young child.
She needs to move on me ( apart from this thread, which she seems to have given up on)

[Gottagetmoving]

Maybe some people have problems that they can't 'just deal with' it's not that simple

Of course you are right..Best for them to just give up then.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

I have tried many things but obviously I just need to get a grip, as do PP.

It's an ongoing process but I do so love it when people dismiss it so thanks for being so flippant about issues you know fuck all about

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

In fact maybe there are self help groups for people who totally lack empathy

[user1470608705]

Agreed!

[kali110]

livia some people could definitely use that!

[Gottagetmoving]

it's an ongoing process but I do so love it when people dismiss it so thanks for being so flippant about issues you know fuck all about

I said I wasn't being flippant...maybe you missed that. I certainly was not dismissing it.
I have needed help myself and know plenty about being in that position. However, you seem determined to feel wronged so carry on with that

[LeadTheWay]

Have to say I have continued to read the comments some a little , some a little and some a little but considered them all. I'd already said a number of times I knew I'd got it wrong, I hadn't meant to over explain and my Ds is a very polite and considerate young boy who made a mistake and we talked it through, he considered it and has learnt. I wasn't sure what else I could add when some people were so determined to see me as 'holier than thou', determined to tell the woman how to lose weight (not sure where that came from) or any of the other things I or my DS were accused of. I already felt bad about it, I understood the why the woman responded as she did and never questioned that. But as ever I appreciate the wide range of responses and think it provides learning and reflection as everyone has such different opinions and experiences.

[kali110]

Op i don't think you really did much wrong.
You probably didn't give the best response, but you were on the spot, and i also suffer from foot in mouth
You don't condone the comment, and your son knows it was wrong and not to say it again.
I don't think the lady was wrong either, , nor do you though some on here do just because she swore at you. She was insulted and hurt.
You apologised.
Move on.

[Bitzer]

Honestly, I wouldn't feel too bad. Easy with the benefit of hindsight to recommend a better way of handling it but 5 is really small. He obvs wasn't being deliberately rude (particularly in the context of you having been working hard to lose weight - and I don't think there's anything wrong with the way you've explained it to him either, far better to make it clear that you lost weight for health reasons than because you wanted to look a certain way). Can't quite believe some of the self-righteousness on this thread. Yes, they need to learn not to make comments on people's appearance but a lot of the messages they receive about this stuff are very confusing. At least it can prompt some other chats about this kind of thing. Don't beat yourself up

[IcedVanillaLatte]

every obese person I know would laugh it off/ make a joke of it

Maybe in front of you.

[IcedVanillaLatte]

Ah okay - because dealing with our issues is such a piece of piss.

Who said it was a piece of piss? Of course it's not. I would think you owe it to yourself.but of course you don't have to bother

You think that anyone who doesn't instantly deal with whatever issues they have is "not bothering"? The poster was pointing out that "dealing with your issues" is not always super easy. Suggestions people make like "just deciding to change"/going to the GP/getting some help/getting counselling/whatever are not possible for everybody.

How is saying that something isn't as piss-easy as people claim anything to do with advocating that people with problems just not bother? I guaran-fucking-tee you that if it were as easy as just "bothering" there would be pretty much no fat people, no smokers, no drug addicts, no mentally ill people, no unemployed people, no poor people etc. (I know there are small numbers of smokers/overweight people etc. who really do not mind being the way they are but in our society being any of the things I mentioned is frowned upon).

IME people who make out it's as easy as just "bothering" are using magical thinking to convince themselves that a) they're more virtuous than others or b) these things won't happen to them because they do the things they need to do to avoid them. You could become fat, mentally ill, poor it unemployed. You really could. And then you'll know it's not always the person's fault and it's not always easy as "bothering".

[IcedVanillaLatte]

BTW your disclaimer that you know it's not a piece of piss doesn't mean you're not implying is a piece of piss when you say people are just not bothering.

[CasanovaFrankenstein]

Actually just gone back and re read the post, because I wondered if I'd missed something reading comments that the OP was boasting about weight loss/child's intelligence. Just doesn't read that way at all to me, looks like an apology and explanation to try and mitigate.

[Gottagetmoving]

You think that anyone who doesn't instantly deal with whatever issues they have is "not bothering"? The poster was pointing out that "dealing with your issues" is not always super easy. Suggestions people make like "just deciding to change"/going to the GP/getting some help/getting counselling/whatever are not possible for everybody.

No. You have totally misunderstood and misread.
I agreed it was not easy.
Where did I say someone should 'instantly' do anything?
The not bothering comment was sarcasm based on the poster coming back with negatives.

FYI. I have been fat...I have been mentally ill and I have been unemployed. I have also been a single parent.
I know how fucking hard it can be. I know that at some point you have to find the strength to help yourself. I've made the excuses, I have said that I can't do it.
The poster said she can't afford help and the nhs mental health services were stretched....I pointed out there was other help available.
So what the fuck are you on about?

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

Which was nice of you and all but... I didn't ask you for advice or help. I am working through my various issues as best as I can but I appreciate being patronised, so thanks

And the OP wasn't boasting about his intelligence but I pointed out that if he understood the nuances of being fat versus good health then surely he could understand that you don't suggest to someone that they go running because your mother doesn't - the OP shouldn't have let it get to the point where the child is basically telling an upset stranger that being overweight is unhealthy and she should go running.

What's wrong with removing the child from the situation then explaining to him that he shouldn't make personal comments - but no, instead she launched into justification even though the woman was obviously upset and angry.

The OP was concerned that she had handled it wrong and I was basically saying that she was correct in that concern.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

Also what the fuck has being a single parent/unemployed got to do with any of this? I think you may be the one struggling with comprehension.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

because your mother does*

[cmwife]

Since my daughter (then 3) loudly commented on someone's tattoos when said someone was about 1 metre away, the mantra in our house has been "Other people's bodies are none of our business".

[nooka]

I wonder how many parents tell their children not to make personal comments about people before their child makes an embarrassing comment. I think that for most of us it comes as a mortifying surprise when it happens because as adults we know that it's totally socially unacceptable to do so and so we don't expect our kids to pipe up.

Usually it just takes the one occasion for the child to learn that if they comment they will get a (probably upsetting) lecture. I know that's how it was for my two after one of them commented about someone they saw on a train once.

The OP's children have probably mostly been exposed to her friends and family giving her encouraging feedback. I don't know that we can assume she has been directly talking to him at any length about good and bad food.

[LiviaDrusillaAugusta]

Of course the Op isn't psychic so didn't know her DS was going to blurt that out and if he had just said she was fat then that would have been more easily sorted, but a 5 yo commenting that it isn't healthy etc would get most people's backs up

Believe it or not, many randomers wouldn't welcome a child offering an opinion about something that is personal. 'That lady is fat' - embarrassing but apologise and move on. 'It's not healthy, you can go running etc' well the lady was right and he DOES need to learn some fucking manners.

[Gottagetmoving]

Also what the fuck has being a single parent/unemployed got to do with any of this? I think you may be the one struggling with comprehension

If you bothered to read the post I was responding to...from *IcedVanillaLatte then you would know what it has to do with.
The struggle with comprehension is all yours as is your delusion you are being patronized.

[Gottagetmoving]

And the OP wasn't boasting about his intelligence but I pointed out that if he understood the nuances of being fat versus good health then surely he could understand that you don't suggest to someone that they go running because your mother doesn't

He doesn't really understand the bloody nuances of being fat versus good health anymore than he understood what he said was hurtful..He was repeating things he heard because he is 5...and doesnt have the experience or knowledge an adult has.
I doubt he will learn manners from people who use the phrase 'learn some fucking maners' because adults who say that in front of a child have none themselves.

What is it about being 5 you don't understand?

[IceBeing]

Both the Op and the woman made the same mistake. They blamed the 5 yo.

The Op should have apologised and said she would teach her DS why saying what he said wasn't okay. She sort of acknowledged that the incident was her fault but for the wrong reason. That her DS knows about healthy eating/exercise is fine, the problem is knowing not to comment on peoples appearance.

The woman should have told the Op to get some manners / a grip, not implied the 5yo was at fault.