Really worried I handled this badly... 'fat' comments and DS

[LeadTheWay]

Quick background - After having ds2 I was quite over weight, I've been eating very healthily and running alot and dropped over 4 stone. I still have a bit to lose but only about another stone or so. I've had a lot of support from my family and my husband, so my children been aware I'm trying to be healthier and want to lose weight and have been really interested in knowing about healthy foods etc.

So today I was out with my 5 yr old DS1, we passed a lady who was very obese - as we passed her, and really were very close, DS1 said really loudly to me - 'Mummy why is that lady so very, very fat - that can't be good for her heart or bones'. He said it very matter of fact, rather than in a nasty way ifkwim. She obviously heard and I felt awful so I said 'I'm so sorry, he really didn't mean that like that - I've been trying to lose weight so we've had a lot of conversations about health and fitness things - I'm so sorry'. I admit this wasn't probably a great or very eloquent response but I was caught of guard. She just snapped 'maybe you should teach him some fucking manners instead'. I was a quite taken back and just said 'I'm sorry but please I don't think that language is necessary - he's five, he didn't mean it as an insult'. At which point Ds piped up 'you could go running with my mummy'. We hurried off at this point, but as I looked back I am sure this woman was crying.

I've been there where I've felt people's looks and comments and it hurts - I feel terrible. I know she shouldn't have sworn but I think she was just really upset. We were in a very public place and a number of people must have heard the exchange.

I had a really long chat with DS about appropriate comments etc and being respectful of how everyone is different, but can't shake the feeling I should have handled it differently and cannot shake the image of her crying.

I want to go back and say sorry.

*that was my polite way of saying he needs to learn some fucking manners

How does a 5 year old do that?*

Well as a parent, you actually teach them?

Look, the child said something that children say however like I said upthread, how come he knows so much about weight loss and exercise but doesn't know to stop talking when he has made a comment that had upset someone

Because his mother has been trying to lose weight and he has picked up on aspects of that.
I would think he carried on talking because the woman WAS upset and he thought his comment was helpful.. This will be because he doesn't yet have the understanding that an adult has...because he is 5!

I'm obese at the minute and trying to lose weight. (I'm 16st and 5"11) and if I heard a child say that I wouldn't take it as an insult. I don't think a child asking an innocent question and then stating it can't be good for her health is an "insult."

OP should have apologised and moved him away immediately so as not to make the situation worse. But she didn't and frankly deserved the woman's comment in the first place.

The child's comment is one of those things (but made a lot worse by his mother diet obsessing in front of him endlessly probably).

What moved it from a cringy but unavoidable kid comment was the OP using it as a chance to boast about her weight loss and how clever her sprog was rather than a much briefer genuine apology for his stupid though relatively age appropriate (most people have covered not commenting on body shape before 5) comment. Instead the OP managed to sound rather proud of what he said despite the word sorry - it was more of a "I'm sorry but he's really clever as I have educated him and been a good role model so he can't help wanting to share his wonderful insight" than "I'm sorry my offspring said something rude".

My relative was obsessed with diet and obsessed out loud over everything she ate and excercise she did for her children's entire childhoods and beyond and each of her several children has an eating disorder or a disordered relationship with food - the worst affected having been hospitalised because of it and another making herself sick til she vomitted blood.

Over sharing your diet and excercise concerns, goals and regieme with young children isn't necessarily the brilliant parenting you might think it is OP.

You have no idea if the situation was made worse by the additional comments, Livia. The woman was hurt/shocked by the initial comment and reacted to that. Knowing the context to OP's son's comments might actually have made her feel less bad about the thing later. The OP/her son did not deserve the 'teach him some fucking manners' comment (bit of an oxymoron). OP's son clearly wasn't trying to be unkind. It's unrealistic to expect 5 year olds to be ready-made diplomats. Parents teach their children about this stuff as and when they unwittingly fall foul of unwritten rules they didn't know existed. Which is exactly what the OP did. It's not the sort of thing you can teach a very young child on a theoretical basis before they've encountered examples.

A very imaginative analysis, drinkingtea, but no evidence to suggest that was the case at all.

That comment was to your first post, drinkingtea.

Lurked - hahahahaha. Again. Deliberate misinterpretation! You really must be hard of reading. I've had discussions with my DC about why some words are considered rude and not others. About how some words are considered positive and others negative. That's the very crux of this debate . Children find it difficult when some adjectives are interpreted as being rude, because they're used to describe a characteristic that is perceived to be negative within the society they're a part of. No matter that the adjective being used may very well be factually correct. Nowhere have I said that I've told my DC to go around commenting on people being skinny. You appear to be reading very different posts from the ones I've written and the personal attack you've launched on me on here, for absolutely no reason whatsoever, is extremely telling about the kind of person you are. See my comment about irony - all well and good to comment on others' etiquette, when in actual fact you've spent the whole thread making bitchy comments about the way you believe I parent? Charming!

What on earth is with everyone saying 'you shouldn't be discussing your weight like that with your child'?! What's wrong with it?

It's an educational discussion about what's healthy and what's not. There's nothing inappropriate about that- in fact it's a really positive thing to talk about.

I think it's also absurd to say a child of 5 'should' know that it's inappropriate to make comments like that. Tbh he did nothing wrong- he wasn't malicious, and it's quite a tricky thing to explain to a 5 year old that adults sometimes don't like these uncomfortable truths pointed out at them.

Meh, I think you handled it well

I would have said "yes I am fat because I like too many biscuits and that's bad for you"

I would have not sworn in front of the child.

To be upset is ridiculous. No one else made you fat but you.

The child shouldn't have said it but he is five. It's what they do.

I am also fat. Well done op for loosing weight. I am trying to after my ds2.

What Manet said

'I have a four year old and we have had many discussions on how we're not supposed to comment on people being fat but it's ok to talk about someone being tall or thin'

Tell me what other interpretation there is other than you have told your child it's ok to call somebody thin?

Along with your inane comments on how someone may view it as positive if a random child comments on their thinness.

This might be digressing a bit but why are some things considered socially acceptable to comment on. Being tall I get a lot of "gosh you're tall" and people don't seem to think they're being rude so why is a factually observation about weight bad mannered?

It's bad mannered to comment on being fat because people see it as a flaw and want to suggest ways to change it. Personally I don't find the word itself offensive more the manner it's used. I imagine you aren't told you're very tall followed by advice on how you could change that by doing something and how being tall is a choice or being tall obviously means you're stupid too?

I would also like to put a couple of things straight. I doubt anyone wakes up one day and decides to be fat. It's not a choice. Choosing to see diets for the bullshit they are is not the same as being stupid. I personally have decided not to diet anymore as the disordered eating it's left me with is far more concerning than being overweight alone. Happy people are way more likely to be healthy. Plus various studies have shown fat shaming only leads people to gain more weight. I could go into way more detail but won't.

When I read this thread my first thought was you should have addressed the comment about someone's appearance first rather than justify it. We don't have the right to shame people ever.

Oh and one other point my disordered eating and weight gain started in my teens following a childhood of my mother dieting and discussing how healthy it is to be slim. So just be aware how your conversations about healthy eating, diet & exercise could backfire for him in later years.

Ok I will bite again - then I will join you yorkie.
Got you clearly have not read the thread and clearly not my comments. I and many obese/fat people have said that the kids initial comments were not the problem - the fact it was followed by comments by the op about how she had lost weight to excuse his behaviour - then followed by the precocious child inviting the woman to go running with his perfect mummy is what would have upset the woman. The op has admitted that she made the situation worse. If a child can understand that exercise and diet can make you thin he can understand not to make comments about appearance - would you be arguing if the child had said 'that woman is black' , 'that man is brown', 'that man had no legs'. Teach children manners. Simple.

If it is a small child and not said in malice then yes, it's ok until they have learned to be more 'polite'
It's not ok for the adult to say 'fuck' in front of the child, whether she was upset or not.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

You teach kids how to behave then people will have no cause to become upset and swear in front of your little precious.

would you be arguing if the child had said 'that woman is black' , 'that man is brown', 'that man had no legs'. Teach children manners. Simple

Same applies to all of those. Black.people don't mind if a child says they are black! They ARE black...and proud of it,..unless you think they are ashamed??
People with disabilities accept children say things about them too! Many welcome the opportunity to explain to a child what their disability is and what (if anything) caused it.

Why are you now sarcastically suggesting the child has a 'perfect mummy' ? The OP said she regretted her response. She was embarrassed and rambled on without thinking properly!

I think you look for offence where there is none. Far, far too sensitive!

What the fuck is wrong with you? You teach kids how to behave then people will have no cause to become upset and swear in front of your little precious

Anyone adult who gets upset by what a five year old says needs to grow up! Anyone who says Fuck in front of a five year old has no place criticising anything that child has said.
Teaching a child is a process. The OP is doing that.
The world has gone mad when a grown woman blames a five year old for her swearing!
' He made me swear' boo boo! Pathetic.

What's the big deal about the kid hearing the fuck word anyway?

Got good you bit. Again you clearly have not read the thread. Accusing me of sensitivity shows that. Perhaps read it?

Yes a person is black - so would the op say 'oh he said that just because I was reading a book on black history
And it was telling me .. Etc '. Why would I think a black person was ashamed of being black (for all you know I may be)!- they just don't need telling by a precocious 5 year old the colour of their skin as - surprise surprise - they know - and then adding to it by having it explained by a white adult that they themselves are not black because they have white parents.....

Yes a person is disabled explained by 'oh well disabled person it's because we were watching the Paralympics and I was telling him how people got to be disabled'. I have already explained my disability. I don't need a woman explaining why her 5 year old pointed it out .... I have no issues with the 5 year old. Would just think his mother had not taught him well.

Poor lady. Bless her. That must have been horrible. I know your ds is still learning but what a horrible conversation.

The world has gone mad when a grown woman blames a five year old for her swearing!
' He made me swear' boo boo! Pathetic.

Yep cos that's been said in here

Did the woman say that? I don't think she did, did she?

I don't think the op was really wrong, she was caught off guard and tried.
I'm a bit like that too!
I don't blame the other woman either though.
Some people may not be offended by a child's tactless comments, good for you, but some people are.
I'm sure the woman didn't expect to be called fat whilst she was out.
She was insulted, was very upset and lashed out.
i don't blame her either.

And not everybody is fat because they eat to much and just need 'that push'