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Original poster

Really worried I handled this badly... 'fat' comments and DS

334 replies

LeadTheWay · 12/08/2016 16:25

Quick background - After having ds2 I was quite over weight, I've been eating very healthily and running alot and dropped over 4 stone. I still have a bit to lose but only about another stone or so. I've had a lot of support from my family and my husband, so my children been aware I'm trying to be healthier and want to lose weight and have been really interested in knowing about healthy foods etc.

So today I was out with my 5 yr old DS1, we passed a lady who was very obese - as we passed her, and really were very close, DS1 said really loudly to me - 'Mummy why is that lady so very, very fat - that can't be good for her heart or bones'. He said it very matter of fact, rather than in a nasty way ifkwim. She obviously heard and I felt awful so I said 'I'm so sorry, he really didn't mean that like that - I've been trying to lose weight so we've had a lot of conversations about health and fitness things - I'm so sorry'. I admit this wasn't probably a great or very eloquent response but I was caught of guard. She just snapped 'maybe you should teach him some fucking manners instead'. I was a quite taken back and just said 'I'm sorry but please I don't think that language is necessary - he's five, he didn't mean it as an insult'. At which point Ds piped up 'you could go running with my mummy'. We hurried off at this point, but as I looked back I am sure this woman was crying.

I've been there where I've felt people's looks and comments and it hurts - I feel terrible. I know she shouldn't have sworn but I think she was just really upset. We were in a very public place and a number of people must have heard the exchange.

I had a really long chat with DS about appropriate comments etc and being respectful of how everyone is different, but can't shake the feeling I should have handled it differently and cannot shake the image of her crying.

I want to go back and say sorry.

OP posts:
NPowerShitShower · 13/08/2016 13:38

Lurked - spectacularly missing the point yet again and being oh, so defensive! I have never said it's ok to make these comments (it really would help if you actually read my posts properly, rather than taking from them a meaning that isn't there). What I said originally was that due to the nature of Western society and the positive connotations generally linked with thinness, and the negative connotations linked with fatness, it's extremely difficult for small children to distinguish between what is deemed rude and what isn't. See the PP above and her experience of her child calling someone 'big'. She goes to great lengths to explain that the child means tall and not fat! Tall isn't viewed as a negative characteristic, fat is. Whilst I wholeheartedly agree that it's up to us as parents to educate our children in social and societal norms, and ensure they're not rude for the sake of it, these are difficult concepts for preschoolers/5 year olds to grasp. Add in an international element (we don't live in the UK) and being fat is seen as a positive thing by some of my DC's classmates. Cue much more confusion!

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 13/08/2016 13:48

I imagine it was your awkward explanation that made things worse.

fascicle · 13/08/2016 14:00

Lurkedforever1
A 5yr old wouldn't mean it to be hurtful, but again we are back to the point that by 5 the parents should have already educated them to the fact it is wrong.

GetAHaircutCarl
We have to teach our DC that it is unacceptable to comment in public on the appearance of others.

The OP had a conversation with her son straight afterwards, which is, I imagine, how most parents would address this - as and when a relevant situation arises. Or are you both suggesting pre-emptively teaching a child not to make personal comments (and if so, what age would you do that)?

spornersunited · 13/08/2016 14:00

the nature of Western society and the positive connotations generally linked with thinness, and the negative connotations linked with fatness, it's extremely difficult for small children to distinguish between what is deemed rude and what isn't.

I agree.
Society deems it acceptable to comment on the an individuals appearance if its positive ie ','lovely dress you're wearing', 'love your new hair colour', 'wish I had your figure' etc ,etc(all of which are simply a matter of personal opinion) .
How on earth is a 5 year old supposed to understand that making a factual comment based on someone's appearance is somehow rude ? Would/should the op have felt the need to apologise if her child had commented that someone was' tall', 'had long brown hair'.......................

Gottagetmoving · 13/08/2016 14:18

Seriously, it's now ok to comment to someone provided it is factually true?

If it is a small child and not said in malice then yes, it's ok until they have learned to be more 'polite'
It's not ok for the adult to say 'fuck' in front of the child, whether she was upset or not.

witsender · 13/08/2016 14:25

If the child understands the finer points of nutrition I'm sure that 'don't make personal comments' isn't beyond them.

And I wouldn't involve a child in a weight loss journey.

pieceofpurplesky · 13/08/2016 14:45

Again. I don't think the lady would have been upset by the child - just by the mother's excuse that she had been losing weight, and by the child's second comment that the woman should take up running.

Lurkedforever1 · 13/08/2016 16:01

I did read your post npower the one where you state you've had discussions with your ds about how it's ok to call people skinny. And I responded to say that it wasn't ok. Nobody voted you spokesperson for all skinny people, to decide what they may or may not be offended by.

Gottagetmoving · 13/08/2016 16:10

and by the child's second comment that the woman should take up running

Grin Good suggestion though.
bramblesandblackberries · 13/08/2016 16:15

It's not, in fact. Bad for the joints. Enjoy your Grin though.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 13/08/2016 16:17

grin
Good suggestion though

It really isn't - unless the 5 yo is a medical professional? Otherwise he can keep his unsolicited comments to strangers to himself.

Gottagetmoving · 13/08/2016 16:26

It's not, in fact. Bad for the joints. Enjoy your grin though

Of course....no one should run,..ever...

it really isn't - unless the 5 yo is a medical professional? Otherwise he can keep his unsolicited comments to strangers to himself
What an odd thing to say about a 5 year old child. Hmm

bramblesandblackberries · 13/08/2016 16:28

Odder to somehow imply he's doing her a favour.

Someone overweight running would put strain on their joints which would be dangerous.

pieceofpurplesky · 13/08/2016 16:30

Got yes because of course he knows the woman has no medical condition that may stop her from running and no mental health issues that would ensure that putting in a tracksuit and trainers were difficult Hmmhonestly people sometimes.

I am obese. If you have read the thread you will know this. I used to love running. I used to be thinner because of this. Sadly a broken ankle put paid to that as it didn't set right and is really weak. I also have a dodgy disc in my back from whiplash.

Yep. The 5 year old and you had a good suggestion.

newtscamander · 13/08/2016 16:31

There was nothing more you could have done. He was just being honest. Perhaps she should have taken up his offer of running with you!

pieceofpurplesky · 13/08/2016 16:42

I give up

Lurkedforever1 · 13/08/2016 16:57

The best exercise is one you enjoy, because it is maintainable. I'm fit and always have been, but if running was the only exercise option I wouldn't be, because I don't enjoy it. And even if someone might find running great fun, anyone very overweight needs to build up to it, both to avoid injury and to gain anything from it. Walking a mile slowly burns more calories than jogging 100m, being exhausted and then being too sore to move next day.

Besides which, being overweight isn't synonymous with being stupid. I realise it may be a bit 'out there' as a concept, but overweight people can actually talk, and read, and use the Internet and shit. So when they want advice on exercise, they tend to use those resources for advice. Rather than going out in public and hoping some randomer will appear and offer unsolicited advice on the subject.

YorkieDorkie · 13/08/2016 17:15

Piece can I give up with you please?

Gottagetmoving · 13/08/2016 17:25

pieceofpurplesky

He is 5 years old! He was talking to his mother not going round intentionally giving advice!
As for running being bad for joints, so is being fat. It's also bad for your heart, your liver...diabetes
No adult approached the woman with advice.
Why all this enlarging on what really happened?
The OP spoke to her son...what more do you want? Have him flogged for being naive at 5 years old?
You may well give up because you have it all out of proportion.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 13/08/2016 17:31

at which point Ds piped up 'you could go running with my mummy'. We hurried off at this point, but as I looked back I am sure this woman was crying.

There's the unsolicited advice

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 13/08/2016 17:32

And self harm isn't great for ones health either although you seem happy to dismiss that

Gottagetmoving · 13/08/2016 17:34

Oh ffs! The kid was suggesting something based on what he knew his mum was doing. I doubt he considered it to be offering the woman 'advice'
He is 5! It's more amusing than sinister.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 13/08/2016 17:40

Nobody is saying it was sinister - but whether it was amusing is a matter of opinion - the woman didn't sound too amused, what with the possible crying and the swearing...

Gottagetmoving · 13/08/2016 17:46

the woman didn't sound too amused, what with the possible crying and the swearing

... at something a five year old said...Shock Hmm

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 13/08/2016 17:52

Which would have been better handled with a quick apology from the OP instead of her making the poor woman feel worse..

Look, the child said something that children say however like I said upthread, how come he knows so much about weight loss and exercise but doesn't know to stop talking when he has made a comment that had upset someone?