to think my niece is more than just sensitive?

[mendimoo]

My brother, his wife and their 5 year old DD have been staying nearby and visiting for the past week. DN is home educated by SIL and I haven't seen her since she was three until this week because they've been living abroad. Both DB and SIL describe DN as 'sensitive' and they seem to go to great lengths to avoid upsetting her. For example - she can never be asked to do anything immediately, under any circumstances, or she refuses, screams, shouts and cries. She always has to be given notice and told of at least two things that are going to happen first. I.e. I'm going to brush my hair and go to the toilet, then we need to put your shoes on.

If she can't find something, she'll say she can't find it, ask where it is but if someone tells her she absolutely dissolves into hysteria. SIL has to say 'perhaps it could be on the bed/in your bag/in your drawer' even if she can clearly see exactly where it is.

Today we were in a lift and she was running her finger up and down the line of the doors in the middle. A lady told her to mind her fingers when the doors open and DN was whimpering, on the brink of tears, looking absolutely furious and refused to speak to anyone for over half hour. Similarly, the other day she tripped but I caught her before she fell and she behaved as though I'd shoved her in front of a passing car. Earlier in the week when she did actually fall over and had a tiny graze, she was completely hysterical for over an hour and a half.

If people don't talk to her in the 'right' way she completely shuts down and DB and SIL spend a great deal of time and energy trying to coax her back to equilibrium. I have my own children and have worked with children my whole career and I appreciate some are more sensitive than others but this seems extreme to me. I worry that SIL is stuck homeschooling because she knows DN wouldn't cope at school and I want to support her but when I broached it I was told she's 'just sensitive' and will grow out of it.

themighty.com/2015/12/temple-grandins-advice-for-parents-of-children-with-autism/

No, Temple Grandin is not a universal expert. She says a lot of things that don't apply to all other people with Autism. Some things she says might help some people, some advice she offers might not help.

The point about adaptive/supportive adult behaviour is that it helps a child to succeed and to build skills - precisely the thing that you seem to think it prohibits.

Have you read the thread? In light of the "pandering" "spoiling" remarks - your advice of "the parent's aren't pushing her enough" isn't really helpful given the entire tone of the thread.

This is not a child who needs pushing.

Well, yes, that's what I think, too, Polter but I wasn't going to say it as I guess some folks think she is great.

I don't.

Pushing of an autistic child needs to be done very carefully. Just taking lots of bus journeys for a child who is terrified of them is not the right approach. There are lots of things that can and should be done if needed but they involve much smaller and kinder steps that actually address the issues that the child is reacting to.

And there are times not to push. When the child is already out of their comfort zone around unfamiliar people, they just need supportive parents.

Sometimes people on this site are fully determined to misread and pick fights, aren't they?
The thing is, neither you nor I know this child, therefore my drop into the pot that sometimes a gentle challenge via a small steps programme can help an anxious child move forward is a perfectly fine thing to mention. I highly doubt that it will have any impact on the OP who after all, isn't the parent. In just the same way as you saying fully adaptive and supportive parenting is sometimes the right thing to do, which I agree with, but no I don't think you will develop a child's skills (any child's) by only being responsive and adaptive, and I'm surprised that this is apparently riling you up so much. For example, the Explosive Child book describes 'dropping the challenge' as ONE option when faced with a child who melts down, and it isn't the preferred option. The preferred method involves discussion, probing and a plan generated by the child, which in my book would constitute a gentle challenge. The point is it's a supportive way to move forward. I only used the bus example as an off the cuff easy to describe example but the principle of 'complete avoidance makes progress in that particular area difficult' - I don't see why that's controversial or making you so angry.

And I don't recall saying 'The parents aren't pushing her enough'!

Yes, I actually said
" It does sound like she needs some help. I am a bit worried about how much they are adapting to her; this is ok to a certain extent but all children need help and support to improve their skills (including coping skills), including autistic children."

From which you got 'She needs pushing at all times in all ways'?

I'm not angry. I can't speak for anyone else. I was exasperated, not angry.

Your first post, given the entire progression of this thread, was exasperating to me.

I'm not fighting with anyone so I'm not sure if you think I'm "determined to misread and pick fights". I've no desire to pick a fight.

Being adaptive and responsive can bring skill acquisition and of course it is not the only strategy to help a child. But I have zero energy to discuss this further, it's a complex topic that is a matter of opinion, not fact.

I don't need to calm down. I am not riled up. I don't want a fight.

I was paraphrasing, hence the ' ' marks. If I was quoting you directly I would have cut and pasted.

The part of your post that made me suggest you calm down was the 'head desk/ facepalm' response to what I thought was actually a fairly uncontroversial suggestion in my original post. If I head desk it is because someone is being ignorant or obstructive etc. I am glad if you aren't angry at my post.

My boys were not diagnosed with Asbergers till late teen due to blatant incompetence in CAMHS and Education System .The LS staff barely knew the basics of Autism Spectrum. The youngest was eventually diagnosed with ADHD when young now has ADD. I too am trying to get a diagnosis of PDA. Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome. Check out the PDA Society Website. There are training days throughout the year.
Also check out for co Morbid , Dyslexia, Dyspraxia, dyscalculia , Irlen syndrome. Anxiety is a massive issue in PDA.
Look on PlanetAutism Blog Page at the info sheets. There are loads of articles on the FB page as well.
Hope this helps xx