to think my niece is more than just sensitive?

[mendimoo]

My brother, his wife and their 5 year old DD have been staying nearby and visiting for the past week. DN is home educated by SIL and I haven't seen her since she was three until this week because they've been living abroad. Both DB and SIL describe DN as 'sensitive' and they seem to go to great lengths to avoid upsetting her. For example - she can never be asked to do anything immediately, under any circumstances, or she refuses, screams, shouts and cries. She always has to be given notice and told of at least two things that are going to happen first. I.e. I'm going to brush my hair and go to the toilet, then we need to put your shoes on.

If she can't find something, she'll say she can't find it, ask where it is but if someone tells her she absolutely dissolves into hysteria. SIL has to say 'perhaps it could be on the bed/in your bag/in your drawer' even if she can clearly see exactly where it is.

Today we were in a lift and she was running her finger up and down the line of the doors in the middle. A lady told her to mind her fingers when the doors open and DN was whimpering, on the brink of tears, looking absolutely furious and refused to speak to anyone for over half hour. Similarly, the other day she tripped but I caught her before she fell and she behaved as though I'd shoved her in front of a passing car. Earlier in the week when she did actually fall over and had a tiny graze, she was completely hysterical for over an hour and a half.

If people don't talk to her in the 'right' way she completely shuts down and DB and SIL spend a great deal of time and energy trying to coax her back to equilibrium. I have my own children and have worked with children my whole career and I appreciate some are more sensitive than others but this seems extreme to me. I worry that SIL is stuck homeschooling because she knows DN wouldn't cope at school and I want to support her but when I broached it I was told she's 'just sensitive' and will grow out of it.

Someone else's post;

kids won't pander to her - where the adults are.

It may well be autism, it may not - but as she's a visitor I think you need to accept their ways.

Thanks just5

What I was trying to say is that, as the AIBU title suggests, the OP had already made up her mind her niece had autism. And the point I was trying to make, albeit clumsily, was that all we have to go by is OP's lens although, obviously, that's the case with all threads.

But something didn't feel quite right partly because I think a lot of the behaviour described could be a combination of other factors and not necessarily autism. And also I just felt it was too easy to jump to the obvious conclusion given the OP's description.

I think I'd better step away from this thread and go to sleep! I'm not being very articulate. It's been a long day. Night all.

Biased opinion not description.

Lucybabs see Loopy's post at 00.11

Loopy I wasn't going to return to this thread as I often find this type of thread quite painful but I wanted to acknowledge your apology.

I'm not sure what to say, obviously you aren't apologising to me but I, at least, do appreciate your reconsideration of your post.

ISWYM loopy.

It still doesn't excuse OP's inclusion of 'self-centredness' in a list of the supposed signs of autism.

There are several uncomfortable things going on on this thread.

Thanks hawking. I was apologising to you and anyone else my posts upset. Because I can see why they might have, even though in truth I wasn't meaning to go further than simply responding to the AIBU question and OP's posts.

I agree with you just5.

Which was a misjudgment on my part on such a sensitive subject. And doesn't really belong in AIBU.

My last post belonging to the end of the one at 02.07 that is. Ok, I really do need to sleep now. Brain all over the place

I would caution internet diagnosis of autism. There may be several symptoms that match but equally there are other disorders that may fit - sensory processing for one.

I often think that people rush to an assumption of autism simply as it's the one they have heard of. It's almost a default. And it's a lazy assumption.

To me it doesn't necessarily scream autism but of someone who has got their own way and has been home educated (before I'm slammed down, I know not many who are home educated would end up like this).

The food thing - never been peer pressure to just eat different things like at school so becomes selective and stroppy.
The noise thing - hasn't got used to loud noises like playtime at school.
Finding it easier in adult company - quite typical of some home ed kids.

Toddler strops - overindulged? Parents never have time away as they also educate her so she hasn't learnt that things won't always go her way.

There are things that suggest autism as a possibility although other things can have similar symptoms. It is a lot less likely to be just 'bratty' behaviour. Lots of parents of children with autism home educate because their child is unable to cope with a mainstream school environment and maybe at risk of developing mental health issues.

I often think that people rush to an assumption of autism simply as it's the one they have heard of. It's almost a default. And it's a lazy assumption.

OR they have a child that sounds very similar. As I do and as do many on this thread.

I often think that people rush to an assumption of autism simply as it's the one they have heard of. It's almost a default. And it's a lazy assumption.

'Heard of?'

That's not the thread I'm reading.

I dunno I have a kid with asd and it wasn't my first thought.

Either way poorly parented/indulged or SN she's going to get a big shock when she reaches out beyond her parents. Some sort of outside support when young I would recommend rather than therapy when later.

I don't think anyone is attempting an official diagnosis. Not least the people with kids with asd, it's a long long process in my experience and it involves a lot of specialist help and observations. But I think it's definitely worth considering that such extreme behaviours could be down to sen rather than poor parenting. Posters who have mentioned it being down to home ed - the kid is 5! She wouldn't have had much time in school at that age anyway.

The difficulty with home schooling l have found is the child doesn't get the early intervention they might benefit from if autism was picked up on by a teacher. Then again the security of the home is a good place to be once diagnosis comes. But The parents become experts at managing the child's needs and then when they are put in a different situation they find it extremely difficult. This little one is probably more distressed in your house than usual as change can cause that. At the end of the day there is nothing you can do except be aware it's more likely to be specific needs rather than bad parenting.

A lot of what you say rings true with my asd son. I think your SIL is doing really well, to have recognised that your dn needs this to be able to cope and implemented strategies that enable your dn to be as unstressed as possible really is fantastic. Maybe tell your db and SIL how well they're doing, I bet they don't hear it often.

I don't think anyone is attempting an official diagnosis. Not least the people with kids with asd, it's a long long process in my experience and it involves a lot of specialist help and observations

Of course they're not.

For all you know, she maybe is being assessed for autism or something similar, maybe the parents just don't want to make it public knowledge yet. Very unfair to say it's poor parenting- im sure her parents are doing the best for their child, as we all are.

Someone else mentioned PDA. Look it up. Sounds very like my friend's daughter, who has been diagnosed.