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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think my niece is more than just sensitive?

212 replies

mendimoo · 11/08/2016 22:58

My brother, his wife and their 5 year old DD have been staying nearby and visiting for the past week. DN is home educated by SIL and I haven't seen her since she was three until this week because they've been living abroad. Both DB and SIL describe DN as 'sensitive' and they seem to go to great lengths to avoid upsetting her. For example - she can never be asked to do anything immediately, under any circumstances, or she refuses, screams, shouts and cries. She always has to be given notice and told of at least two things that are going to happen first. I.e. I'm going to brush my hair and go to the toilet, then we need to put your shoes on.

If she can't find something, she'll say she can't find it, ask where it is but if someone tells her she absolutely dissolves into hysteria. SIL has to say 'perhaps it could be on the bed/in your bag/in your drawer' even if she can clearly see exactly where it is.

Today we were in a lift and she was running her finger up and down the line of the doors in the middle. A lady told her to mind her fingers when the doors open and DN was whimpering, on the brink of tears, looking absolutely furious and refused to speak to anyone for over half hour. Similarly, the other day she tripped but I caught her before she fell and she behaved as though I'd shoved her in front of a passing car. Earlier in the week when she did actually fall over and had a tiny graze, she was completely hysterical for over an hour and a half.

If people don't talk to her in the 'right' way she completely shuts down and DB and SIL spend a great deal of time and energy trying to coax her back to equilibrium. I have my own children and have worked with children my whole career and I appreciate some are more sensitive than others but this seems extreme to me. I worry that SIL is stuck homeschooling because she knows DN wouldn't cope at school and I want to support her but when I broached it I was told she's 'just sensitive' and will grow out of it.

OP posts:
GobblersKnob · 12/08/2016 13:18

And I reported too.

HawkingsMead · 12/08/2016 13:37

Reported too.

Fucking hell

Just5minswithDacre · 12/08/2016 13:40

children will learn to behave normally if they have to you only have to look at the poorer 75% of the world to see this is true

WTF?

JoJo you're incredibly stupid.

lionheart · 12/08/2016 13:44

That's a spectacularly unhelpful post, jojo2916. I don't think people will dislike what you say because it is ''the truth' but because of what it reveals about you attitude to children 'ASD or not'.

NickiFury · 12/08/2016 13:49

Piss off back to Daily Mail comments Jojo, there's a dear.

Lottielou7 · 12/08/2016 13:53

JoJo - fuck off and when you get there fuck off again. It's people like you who make it really difficult for disabled children who have neurological issues to get the help they need. You're obviously lucky enough to be totally ignorant about issues which don't affect you.

Will people stop talking nonsense on here generally Memoires for example - you clearly know nothing. My severely autistic dd has always had good eye contact. I have AS but my speech developed very early and I was talking in full sentences at 12 months. My dd3 is (I think) on the spectrum but she did not have a language delay and has always played imaginatively.

Autism and high functioning autism and AS present very differently in different people. And most importantly girls present very differently from boys often. Which is why I have got to the age of 35 before I understood why I've felt like an alien all my life. There isn't a check list of things which make an ASD diagnosis. But this little girl sounds very much like a child who is struggling to process her environment. When you're high functioning, people fail to understand even more.

ohtheholidays · 12/08/2016 13:56

HAHA Jojo you have just shown all on this thread how bloody stupid you are!

You don't see this in less affluent countries because in lots of those countries the poor children are bloody abandoned or worse still sold off or murdered by a family member and that is the truth!

That's not me just sprouting out some crap like you are,that's actual facts of case studies that I had to look at at College and in work!

Some of the things we saw and were told are things that I'll never be able to forget.I thank God that I live in a country where children that are disabled in what ever way are not seen as a curse,are not abandoned,abused,sold and murdered on a daily basis as if it's nornal!

I wish no country exsisted that followed those beliefs!

Every childs life is precious and every child deserves love,understanding and compassion no matter where that child lives and no matter what else that child has to live with!

longdiling · 12/08/2016 13:59

Jojo, what are your child development qualifications and direct experience of child development in developing countries, seen as you're such an expert? Your opinion flies in the face of the paediatricians who diagnose children with sens like autism. How are you more qualified than them to pronounce on this subject?

Mycraneisfixed · 12/08/2016 14:02

It must be hard for you having to deal with them but how much harder for them. There probably aren't many families or places they can go and feel relaxed. Try and put up with it (be nice) and have a bottle of wine when they leave. And be thankful your DC aren't like it!

Just5minswithDacre · 12/08/2016 14:02

Nice deletion message MNHQ Smile

aginghippy · 12/08/2016 14:04

Yes sure jojo has met a number of asd children in different developing countries and has observed the ways their families care for them Hmm

youarenotkiddingme · 12/08/2016 14:13

Mnhq as a parent of a disabled child can I thank you for being honest about why you deleted the post Wine

NickiFury · 12/08/2016 14:14

Well I do know in Korea, that often the mother takes the blame and allows herself to be labelled a poor mother so as not to jeopardize her other children's chances of making a good match marriage wise or bring dishonour onto the family. So that is how they deal with it there.

And in a number African countries there is just a total refusal to acknowledge that the condition exists and it may be dealt with using religious elements - exorcism etc.

This is from my degree course by the way, I didn't just pull that information out of my arse like Jojo appeared to.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 12/08/2016 15:56

It must be very hard for her parents in this situation, and also hard for the child. She doesn't sound very happy and certainly seems to struggle with her anxiety in certain situations.
The problem is, if as an aunt you raise the subject of autism or assessment with her parents, they make take it as a direct criticism of them and their daughter or think it's not your place to offer an opinion.
I would be very surprised if her parents haven't considered the possibility of their daughter having additional needs and it maybe something they will look into without your intervention.

Perhaps the best thing is to help and support your brother and sil and offer opinion only if asked.

Claraoswald36 · 12/08/2016 17:28

I think a label or diagnosis should be the last resort. I'm sorry but this child sounds terribly indulged. If she was at school and still like this I might think differently but she is panders to by the same adult at all times.
There is a child close to me (don't want to put anyone it's not fair) who is somewhat like this - one parent especially is almost scared of him - the not wanting to upset the kid in the op rang lots of bells about this family I know. I'm a SW (this is not a child I work with) so naturally I'm very used to needing to have difficult conversations with kids all the time and am
A bit eh? What you do u mean you can't ask x if they liked the school disco that's mad?! The parents are horrified by what o ask my own children and see any kind of questioning as pressuring them instead of just normal enquiry.

NickiFury · 12/08/2016 17:30

You are a social worker Clara?

Terrifying.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 12/08/2016 17:32

Hope you aren't one in my area.

NickiFury · 12/08/2016 17:34

Me too fanjo but the awful thing is that some parents, somewhere, are having to deal with that level of ignorance in a supposed "professional" Sad

Just5minswithDacre · 12/08/2016 17:37

I think a label or diagnosis should be the last resort.

Yes I said that to my gynaecologist but there's this mental idea that the medical and educational professions have that diagnoses are quite handy. Crazy bunch of hippies eh?

NickiFury · 12/08/2016 17:40

Please tell me that isn't the advice you give the families under your professional care Clara

GobblersKnob · 12/08/2016 17:43

I think a label or diagnosis should be the last resort.

Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Hmm

Wtaf?

I'm afraid I'm labelling you as deranged.

Soz.

Just5minswithDacre · 12/08/2016 17:43

There are shockingly stupid and intransigent people in every profession, I suppose.

Or maybe Clara is a fantasy SW.

PolterGoose · 12/08/2016 17:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HawkingsMead · 12/08/2016 18:06

I feel exactly the same, Poulter.

So many incompetent ignorant fuckers with a wee bit of power and they think they have competence. Fucking hell.

honknghaddock · 12/08/2016 18:13

With an attitude like that Clara will be seriously failing the families she works with.

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