To dislike my in-laws ALOT!!!

[jessieb887]

So me, hubby and our 2 boys aged 4 and 3 have made the long journey down to South Wales to stay with hubbys dad and step mum. Which is hard work all by itself as it means a 4:30 start to try and avoid traffic and also the obligatory 'are we there yet'
So we arrive and the don't do this don't do that, come away from there and oooo don't touch that begins almost instantly! After being cooped up in a car for 5 hours the last thing my boys need is to be chastised on a minutely basis! So we suggest the park well them being pretty rubbish grandparents don't fancy that so off we go alone!
But anyway on to my main rant, my 3 yo is super fussy and only really eats sausage and chips for tea (I've spoken to the health visitor and have been told not to worry) is then basically a really unhealthy child in their eyes as he didn't want the roast lamb dinner they had been preparing (in fact neither did my 4 yr old but that's by the by) i also do not like lamb or the idea of cheesy mash potatoes with gravy ( I forgot to add I am also fussy) so me and 4yo ended up eating sausage and roast potatoes. Much to their disgust and several tuts and dirty looks. I'm nearly 30 so why does this upset me so much! I even got told this morning when I said I didn't like Cheerios that I only didn't like them because they don't have sugar on!! I nearly exploded my inner self just wanted to shout at step mum in law I don't like Cheerios because I don't like bloody Cheerios ok!!
Sorry about the massive rant but I seriously needed to vent somewhere.

I can be a fussy eater and as such I never expect anyone to cater for me, I prefer to cater for myself. However if someone insists on catering for me I would expect them to at least ask me if I liked something first, not cook a big meal then get upset when it wasn't eaten. When I have people at mine I make sure they're catered for in some way that makes them happy - including having a few options at breakfast not just insist they eat a certain brand of cereal (or let them bring their own). I thought that was part of being a good host?

I would be shocked at any adult not eating a dinner that someone kindly prepared.

why?

So many saying the child should try X Y Z - I'm sorry but OP knows her child better than anyone and she would know how he would react to food. No doubt had tried and dialed in many occasions to get him to eat things

I think a grown woman is entitled to say she doesn't like Cheerios - it's not personal to say that - I wouldn't eat them either - it's not rid or offensive to not like something (worst cereal to give any kid - full of sugar and mine would've been in the ceiling)

OP go shopping buy things and offer to cook for you children.

Yabu and rude. Your ils have taken the time and trouble to make a nice meal for you, the last you can do is eat at least some of it - plead lack of appetite if you don't want to eat it but try considering their feelings rather than assert your right to choose what you eat all the time. And forewarning your ils that your dc is a fussy eater would have taken two minutes on the phone.

I have to say that after a long car journey I don't much feel like eating a big roast dinner either.

I think the problem is that you dread going but make the effort, then the ILS behave as expected and you don't feel particularly welcome, they don't involve themselves with the DGC other than to tell them off, and isn't slow to criticise your food preferences.

I don't think it's unreasonable to feel as you do. It's what you do to change it to something manageable for all of you that is crucial. What about delaying your arrival by taking longer breaks during the journey there, or go straight to the park before going to the ILS? Might calm the boys a bit first. Or if staying at the ILS home is too much, look at staying somewhere else and just visiting them. They might find a 4 and 3 yr old hard to cope with/ forgotten how that age group gets really excited/fussy about food etc and if used to being on their own a lot their home isn't childproof.

You may find as the boys get older they are less excitable and also they may welcome a little holiday on the coast and shorter visits/day trips to and with the GP'S.

I thought we were all supposed to support each other as mums not make one feel much much worse than they already do!

Yes - of course we are. But you have posted asking AIBU? and we are telling you that in our opinions, yes, you are BU. One of the problems about being involved in strife is that we can only see it from our own perspective - that's why people ask AIBU, just in case their vision is so skewed that they are being unfair to others without realising it.

We don't know you or your in-laws except for the snapshot you have provided. I'm sure that none of you are awful people - you are just chalk and cheese. If it were me I would eat what I was given, say thank you very much, and encourage my children to do the same. Your MIL may be really worried that your children live on sausages, which is hardly a balanced diet.

Just out of interest - do you cook separate meals for your DH, or does he eat your limited choices when you're at home?

OP, there is a lot of support on his forum. But it doesn't mean just agreeing with everything you say.

OP: AIBU?
Everyone else: yes
OP: no I'm not, you're not supporting me, strop.

You sound childish. I don't like lamb at all, but I would tolerate having to eat it if I was cooked it. Cooking something else is just rude. And if you don't like Cheerios (and neither do I) just ask for toast.

with a fussy child there is a time and a place to push and cajole causing a scene and doing this at a hosts house in my Opin is not the place.

Op My dc went through stage of only eating one thing and I was also told, its fine, its a phase, ride it gently never push etc. or make a thing of it. worse thing you can do with dc over nearly everything!

Its the dont touch the min they get out of the car I dislike thmost.

MIL might have been looking forward to preparing a nice meal for you all & that's why she's annoyed. Did you pre-warn her about DD's eating habits? I sympathise with having a child that is a fussy eater - I've often been easier to tea, and it's embarrassing to have to ask what they're having first! My HV also said it's fine & something they will hopefully grow out - just keep offering little bits of what you're having in the hope they expand their repertoire of 'eatables'!

ds was really fussy at that age - was horrendous going to other people's houses as basically his favourite meal was completely plain pasta and people just though I was being awkward (he also liked ice cream cones without the ice cream which I'm sure people just thought was me being mean!)

OP - you just have to suck other people's opinions up. If he'll eat sausages and chips then go with that. Offer him other food when you can and slip other things on his plate occasionally without making a fuss? But I am with others on here in that you do have to try and lead by example. fair enough not to like lamb, but you could have had a small slice and some of the veg as well as sausages and roasties?

asked to tea!

There's loads of stuff I can't eat now...I have bad ibs and since having my gallbladder out even some things I like are off the menu :(
It never ceases to amaze me how little understanding there is from others about this....
I rarely go out to eat now or to other people's houses.
Just too damn hard and IMO you are not a good host if you either won't cook want people like or can eat and/or make rude comments
My ds2 is a veggie and quite fussy nut tbh I just don't care what people say.
He is healthy and growing well.
Luckily my pils are very good and always try and accommodate us

OP - you will get the best support here, if you actually need support. But you don't need really need support - you just want a bit of a mean-spirited vent.

Maybe take this as a bit of an insight into how your in-laws see you.

What does your DH make of your obvious dislike for his Dad and wife?

"I thought we were all supposed to support each other as mums not make one feel much much worse than they already do!"

Not everyone on this site is a mum. Those who don't have children get to have an opinion too. And those who are mums won't necessarily agree with you just because you're also a mum. There's no logic to that. You posted in aibu therefore people will tell you if they think you're being unreasonable.

Oh, and in my opinion, yabu!

wow I'm sorry you feel you are taking a bashing OP but you do come across as very spoilt and childish. I would be very pissed off if you were a guest in my house. Unless there is more going on YOU are being VU, ungrateful and absolutely your fussiness is rubbing off on your children. For them to see you not eat the food your ILs had prepared for you and have sausages instead - what does that teach them? Seriously, you couldn't have just shut up and eaten the lamb? or pushed it to the side?What would have happened to you? I can't bear over fussy adults. I just think they were molycoddled when they were young and allowed to get away with not trying things. Also your comments about getting up at 4.30 and driving for a bit - do you think you are the only parents in the world to get up early and travel for a while to go on a holiday? You sound VU on all counts I'm afraid.

if you post on AIBU you have to be prepared to take people's opinion on the chin and see if you can actually listen and learn something from it.

there was me hoping for some decent support from other mums out there but instead being battered with a barrage of criticism over my child's eating habits which I am seeking advice from his health visitor! Definitely given me a disliking for these chat forums I thought we were all supposed to support each other as mums not make one feel much much worse than they already do!

The thing is that many of us are not just "mums," but also MILs, SILs, friends, sisters, DILs, (and all the male equivalents), and as such we host other people, too!

They may have been wrong to not have child-proofed their house before your two arrived, after having been cooped up in the car, but it does sound as though they made an effort with the lamb roast. Also, you said yourself that the Cheerios incident came after both you and your DS refused to eat supper, and after you refused to eat Cheerios, so it's not as though there wasn't any provocation before their remark. They must have been wondering how to get through all the remaining meals of your visit!

If guests are going to be limited in their diet, for whatever reason, they have a responsibility to manage expectations ahead of time, and to mitigate the effects of it, maybe even conceal the full extent of their limited diet by taking the hosts out to dinner, cooking a meal "to say thank you," etc.

There are many ways of dealing with the effects of intolerances, allergies, religious prohibitions and simple fussy eating. Springing these things on your hosts without warning, apology or mitigation is not the way to deal with it. Sorry. YABU.

OP, this site can be very supportive of Mums (and Dads too). But that doesn't mean everyone has to agree with you. There's a big difference.
I don't think you are getting a huge barrage of criticism of your DS's eating habits (although I admit there is some criticism), just some suggestions and viewpoints from parents who have been through similar.
Most of the criticism has been direct at you. Because you seem to have a dislike of your PIL and a determination that they are horrible. You don't seem to be being a very gracious guest. You don't seem to want to try anything to help the stay be pleasant for the whole group. Which is sad for your DH and your hosts.
Did you forewarn your PIL of the fussy eating before arrival? Did you encourage the DC to at least try a small bit of the dinner?

I'd be pretty pissed off too if I'd gone to the trouble of cooking a roast lamb dinner (lots of effort) and you were moaning about the cheese in the mash! Couldn't you have just tried? Surely you like roast potatoes, couldn't you have not put the gravy on the mash, and just showed that you appreciated their effort your ILs have made. Buggering off to the Co-op to buy sausages really is not on.

You obviously don't want to be there and you've made that perfectly clear to them.

Dn was 7yo when hamsandwichgate happened. Not a toddler.

How long have they known you and your eating habits for? At least 5 years? Don't they know you at all by now?
I'm quite fussy but there is no way my in laws would try to force me to eat things I don't like. I'm an adult who knows by now that I don't like seafood or red meat or mushrooms or bloody cheerios. Why the hell should I eat them to please someone else?!

I would also never force a child to eat something they didn't want either. I used to despise going to my DGP's for tea as a child. Being forced to eat my nan's fucking rank roast with mushy peas. Boak.

Op on AIBU you'll always get someone taking the opposite view it's how it works on here. I can see you're just venting, I would have posted in chat or somewhere less inflammatory.

It can be hard spending time with in laws, it's not easy to just switch to their ways and can make you feel quite isolated.

My son was also a picky eater (still is at 22 but getting better) it's really quite a hard thing to deal with whatever other people think esp when staying away from home. Can you talk to her honestly about it?

I really don't think you deserve the harsher comments you've been getting op. You have / and are a fussy eater. So what? It's only food. You didn't go into the house and announce you didn't like the ILs, just that their food wasn't to your taste. Your ILs don't sound like bad people at all, but I think staying with them sounds like a massive chore for you, so you came on here to vent. I think that's understandable!

The problem is, on aibu people will give you their opinions especially about what you and your DCs eat for some reason and will be very direct about it. That's the whole point really. Possibly not the best place to post if you want support. People can take things too far on here and it escalates really quickly from "maybe you are misunderstanding you PILs, try and see it from their point of view" to "you sound like a [insert insult / criticism here]". I don't know why it happens but it seems to!

btw who puts cheese in mash ;)

OP, have you actually had a mature conversation with your ILs about this?

It would be courteous to discuss your various eating requirements in advance.

X post with bear!

I am also a very fussy eater but when I am at someone else's house I eat what is put in front of me and shut up (apart from tea because that makes me gag. If no other drink is available I just discreetly swop cups with my husband when my hosts aren't looking).

My DDs were taught the same with the addition that if they really disliked something they were served they could leave it on the side of the plate, in practice very little actually got left and they discovered that unfamiliar things they didn't like the look of were often quite nice, or at least nicer than going hungry. No wonder your son is so fussy with you as an example.

You seem to have arrived at their house determined to find fault. As a PP had said, take the boys to the park first and Dont expect the Inlaws accompany you everywhere. It sounds as if a bit of space between family time will do you all the world of good.