To dislike my in-laws ALOT!!!

[jessieb887]

So me, hubby and our 2 boys aged 4 and 3 have made the long journey down to South Wales to stay with hubbys dad and step mum. Which is hard work all by itself as it means a 4:30 start to try and avoid traffic and also the obligatory 'are we there yet'
So we arrive and the don't do this don't do that, come away from there and oooo don't touch that begins almost instantly! After being cooped up in a car for 5 hours the last thing my boys need is to be chastised on a minutely basis! So we suggest the park well them being pretty rubbish grandparents don't fancy that so off we go alone!
But anyway on to my main rant, my 3 yo is super fussy and only really eats sausage and chips for tea (I've spoken to the health visitor and have been told not to worry) is then basically a really unhealthy child in their eyes as he didn't want the roast lamb dinner they had been preparing (in fact neither did my 4 yr old but that's by the by) i also do not like lamb or the idea of cheesy mash potatoes with gravy ( I forgot to add I am also fussy) so me and 4yo ended up eating sausage and roast potatoes. Much to their disgust and several tuts and dirty looks. I'm nearly 30 so why does this upset me so much! I even got told this morning when I said I didn't like Cheerios that I only didn't like them because they don't have sugar on!! I nearly exploded my inner self just wanted to shout at step mum in law I don't like Cheerios because I don't like bloody Cheerios ok!!
Sorry about the massive rant but I seriously needed to vent somewhere.

As PPs have said, how would you feel if a guest in your house was demanding different dinners? "No, sorry X, I don't want sausage and chips, I fancy lamb tagine and spicy couscous. Don't worry, you don't have to make it I'll just use your kitchen, pots and pans etc. I'm not fussy, I just don't like eating animal offcuts stuffed into a synthetic tube for my main meal of the day".

As a kid my mum cooked some bloody awful food- "Risotto" in our house was a huge casserole pan of plain boiled rice with a TIN of ham cut into cubes and leftover chicken picked off the carcass. It would last for days and days I didn't realise it was supposed to have sauce (and flavour!!) until I was about 25

But like my mum used to say... When you eat my food in my house you eat what you're given. When you have your own house you can eat whatever you want. So, I moved out at 17 and try to be a polite guest when in the homes of other people. There's some things I don't eat, but I'd never dream of insisting on an alternative meal!

BTW- Do you know what goes in to most sausages???? You actually AREN'T a fussy eater to eat them! It's not fillet steak they grind up and stuff into synthetic skins ya know!!

I'm not a big fan of fussy eaters, but I think I'm with the OP. This thread has gone weirdly derailed/focused on sausages (!) and fussy eaters when really what I think OP is saying is: she and her family have travelled a really long way to visit the in laws but they haven't taken the needs of OP and children into consideration. My dps now live 4hrs away and the journey can be a bit tedious. But that's ameliorated entirely by the fact that they know exactly what we'll need when we arrive, which is a run around for the dc/cuddles for the youngest and some food (and they always have a range of options to hand and ask 'what would you like' - usually sandwiches etc. Which are put out buffet style so no pressure. OP was greeted with nothing but restrictions and telling off, and served a meal she doesn't like. Now, the OP has a four year old so I'm assuming she has known her dh (and inlaws) at least 5 years - long enough for them to get some idea of what she likes. IMO visits are like a holiday and should be fun, again my own dps always try to get in mine and dh's favourites (and the dc). It's thoughtless to feed op and family what they think they 'ought' to like.
My assessment is that OP feels hurt that her needs are of so little consequence to ILs especially when she had made a big effort to visit.

Mmmmm

People are brutally honest with their opinions on here Op and often quite nasty, the same people claiming you're rude for refusing food you dislike need to have a look at their comments! I see it from both points of view, it just sounds like a major personality clash to me and the food thing is only part of it. Your in laws sound traditional and strict (but probably lovely if you're willing to play by their rules). You are completely allowed to eat whatever you want but picky eaters are frustrating to lots of people (hence the viciousness of some here). I was raised to eat what was put in front of me but I do have lactose intolerance now so can't eat certain things and am embarrassed when I have to refuse, going into a full on explanation of why as I don't want to appear rude. I always try and make a bit of a joke of it and state what a pain in the arse I am to try and remove any awkwardness. My brothers girlfriend however, doesn't like much but is a bit "slapped arse face" about it with a look of disgust on her face at the thought of eating whatever food it is she doesn't like. It's always hard on these threads to answer with a simple yes or no as unless you're witnessing people's actual behaviour it's difficult to say who's right or wrong. If you want a better relationship with them I would attempt a stance of I'm sorry you've gone to such trouble but I am a pain in the arse with food and don't like much rather than one of obstinance or stroppy stubbornness. I'm not accusing you of either, just advising.

So you are visiting their home, the children are causing chaos and won't eat the food they prepared, as you won't either and you think they are crap for not wanting to go to the park?

And you want to send them out for an Indian meal while you stay being in your IL's house.

Wow. I feel rather sorry for them, you all sound like a lot of hard work.

I think society has got worse.

I was a child in the early 60s and was not an adventurous eater. But I was brought up thinking you had to have a go at what was on your plate, to realise other people had made an effort to cook for you, and that the food they cooked was edible (even if I didn't personally care for it it) and that not to try and eat it was wasteful.

Pictures of starving Biafran children were in the newspapers and I could see that there was justice in pointing out how they would have benefited from food that they were reluctant to eat. (Though I'd have been happy if what was on my plate could have been removed and transported to them.) I had relatives who had been inmates in camps in Nazi Germany where hunger and malnutrition were every day experiences.

I am not arguing for bullying children - or adults - and for attempting to force feed them. Eating together is something that children should be taught to enjoy rather than being mainly an exercise in control.

But there is something so deeply disordered about a society where people feel entitled to reject hospitality - and in particular where parents seem to feel it is okay positively to encourage children to push good food away.

Always amazes me that the super-fussy children seem to have no problem with things like chicken nuggets or sausage and chips. You never see a poster saying "At the end of my tether with little Sammy, all he eats is cucumber, houmous, bananas and kale".

And yes, fussy adults are a pain in the backside. I know someone who doesn't like vegetables, anything "foreign" including pizza or pasta, doesn't like sauces on things, doesn't like anything spicy, won't eat creamy puddings, won't eat fish or shellfish and won't touch nuts. Eating out with her is a bloody nightmare as she pulls faces and moans that there's nothing she likes. TBH i've stopped making arrangements with her as I'm fed up with burger and chips. Most people have things they don't like, mine are goats cheese and lamb. But I will happily eat all other types of cheese and meat. In the OP's situation I would have happily eaten all other components of a roast dinner and to be polite I would have eaten the lamb too - and not made a massive fuss about vomiting at the table.

Children do not have the self-awareness to realise that fussiness is a pain. Adults do. Fussy adults have the ability to choose to take control of their eating habits and overcome their "phobias" if they are of the extent that the list of what you won't eat is longer than the list of what you will.

society has got worse

How annoying is it to hear that trotted out all the time?

Yes, everyone was amazing in the 60s and 70s. Children did exactly what they were told all the time. In fact, their opinions and feelings were held in such contempt that child abuse was just a fact of life.

Not agreeing with the OP but also not enjoying all the 'children today are little shits' undercurrent.

I don't think my childhood was idyllic in any way. But - this may be part of having had a religious upbringing - I think there is something important about giving children an awareness that they are fortunate to have food on table. Quite apart from what' going on elsewhere on the planet, many people in the UK exist in food poverty and make regular use of foodbanks.

I think that earlier generations in the UK had a narrower diet. But there was less reliance on highly processed food - stuff that was high in salt and fat - and that families did eat together more. More people walked and fewer people were glued to screens all day.

I think discussions about child abuse are a rather different issue.

However, I wouldn't say that giving children boundaries and clear expectations about what kind of behaviour is expected constitutes abuse. Rather the opposite in fact.

I'd also argue that the freedom to enjoy unsupervised play was a very important part of childhood 50 years back. Many children now seem to be virtual prisoners. - even if their cells are equipped with expensive gadgets.

Perhaps things are just different now. Better in some respects, but considerably worse in others...

Have RTFT and wow. I'm the same age as the OP and I'd never dream of enabling that level of fussiness in the DC, nor would I be that damned rude to my hosts!

I'm not a fussy eater. But MIL used to make a chicken casserole that was just horrendous. I would eat the veg and a few bites of casserole and then would be too full to eat anymore it backfires when there's something nice for dessert that you're desparate to eat though

We have one very fussy eater, a semi fussy eater and a "will eat anything" eater. Family meals here generally involve putting all the food in the middle of the table and letting them grab what they want.

DD claims not to like mash, but I do make her eat a small amount. If she'll eat jacket potatoes, chips or potato waffles then there's obviously no reason for her not to eat mash!

I'm also the horrible parent that puts one Brussels sprout on their plates at Xmas....

Don't be surprised at the ILs saying "Cheerio!" as you depart.

Yes, everyone was amazing in the 60s and 70s. Children did exactly what they were told all the time. In fact, their opinions and feelings were held in such contempt that child abuse was just a fact of life Not agreeing with the OP but also not enjoying all the 'children today are little shits' undercurrent

No, everyone was not amazing. Children didn't do what they were told all the time. They were, however, taught to be responsible, to not waste stuff, to respect what they had. They knew the boundaries and were not excused bad behaviour.
As for child abuse, it is probably as common now as it was then. There are many forms of abuse.

Always amazes me that the super-fussy children seem to have no problem with things like chicken nuggets or sausage and chips. You never see a poster saying "At the end of my tether with little Sammy, all he eats is cucumber, houmous, bananas and kale"

This!

OP I love the way you say in your original post that you are a fussy eater then later on when you appear to be having a strop because people think YABU you refer to your fussiness in inverted commas as if all the posts commenting on it are bu

• So terribly saddened that you wouldn't have me for a visit , I'm sure ! Lol Chin up OP there's far too many parents shamers out there . 🌷* Axelrose you are of course aware that BodsAuntFlo is a parent (and grandparent) herself, so is well aware of what parenting entails?

I wouldn't like to have either you or the OP over thanks so much, given your attitudes. When you go to stay with someone, they may make concessions to your being a guest, but if you want to have your own way and food all the time, then go to an hotel, or hire somewhere to stay. Don't impose your wants on someone else who might not be able to afford them.

We only have the OPs version of events to go on; I think her ils sound perfectly reasonable, and I am a parent and have got ds through to 20 without breakages of other people's stuff when we visited.

The OP sounds daft to have left at o'crack sparrow; thus making the kids tired. Better to have left later (and I regularly did a 4 hour journey with ds on my own after work on a Friday night to visit ils and my Mum), specifically timed that I could feed him en route and pop him into bed when we got there, so he was all ready for a good day with the gps in the morning.

They were, however, taught to be responsible, to not waste stuff, to respect what they had

This. In spades.

Junk food (and I include sausages and chips) was, in our house at least, a rarity. We ate stews and casseroles and fruit and veg from our garden.

Fussiness was pretty alien to us.

If you went to someone's house, you are what you were given and said thank you.

I remember going to dinner at my parents' friends in Germany in the early 70s and eating sauerkraut and bratwurst with mustard. Never seen anything like that before but it would never have occurred to us not to eat it.

It genuinely was that straightforward.

I think people forget what food was like in the 70s, in that there were no home deliveries; not everyone had a car, so you had to physically go and drag the shopping home on the bus, or you walked. There weren't the range of ingredients there are now, neither did everyone run a fridge or freezer, nor were there such things as ready meals (except Fray Bentos and tinned soup), and there were also no microwaves. If your Mum cooked it, having shopped for it, prepared it, etc, then you ate it or went hungry.

My parents couldn't afford to have a range of alternatives in the house. I knew what we were having each night of the week, as it rarely altered. my Mum couldn't open a freezer as I can and proffer 3 or 4 alternatives.

I grew up in the 70's and was a very fussy child, my dad who had been in the war said I should have lived through rationing, that would have bloody sorted me out!

Can you offer to cook everyone a meal one night? Then you can, hopefully, cover all bases. I guess the tut-tutting is what's done your head in most of all....

Fray Bentos

My DIL is veggie. Daft DS never thought to mention it the first time she came to visit when I asked if she wanted to stay for dinner. Poor girl sat down and I served up beef lasagna. She said she wasn't really hungry and just had salad and bread. I never thought to mention to her there was normal garlic bread and a gluten free one that I eat. Poor soul lifted the gluten free one. We still laugh about that bread and the beef lasagna. The moral of the story is she ate what she could of the meal. Now I know what she eats and what she doesn't so cater accordingly. Likewise I cater for my other DIL who only eats halal meat. I don't understand why the OP went visit her PIL and was so rude. My DGC come rampaging into my house but they certainly know what they can touch and what they can't. No is a complete sentence on MN after all.

sorry but I think turning your nose up at hospitality and encouraging your child to do the same is really rude.

Interesting reading....As can often happen, there are some pretty rude posts and some supportive ones. I think the dividing issue is between your feelings for your ILs and the food issue. It is pretty rubbish for a load of guests to show up and not eat a meal that took a long time to make. It is also pretty rubbish to have to stay with ILs who you cannot stand and who say rude things to you. I am assuming you didn't treat them with disrespect when you said 'no' to the Cheerios and lamb roast? If Cheerios is all they have, then it is your choice not to have them! Best to plan meals in advance - that way there aren't whole meals that will displease your whole family (but that is hindsight!). I take my own food. For myself and my kids. I would not say I am fussy (though my ILs do, even though they may dislike an equal number of foods!), I just don't like certain foods. I am quite clear about what I don't like and will always make an effort to not make a big deal of it (even though they do). I try to just quietly eat the things I like and just not talk about it. If I am asked, I will be honest (to their horror - I assume they expect me to lie). As for kids, it is normal for young children to be fussy. Forcing them is the perfect recipe to develop eating disorders. Encouraging variety or developing an appreciation of 'trying everything' is great in theory. It is great when it works. I try and then try to have a back up meal for my girls when it goes wrong because it does. If they have a problem with what I feed my kids they can try again and do everything perfectly with their kids every single moment of every single day. And for those who think you should suck it up, you are a grown woman, etc. I don't get that. You ARE a grown woman; you are fully capable of looking after yourself. You should NEVER succumb to someone else's 'issues' just to be polite. You just need to be honest and upfront. Wear your picky-ness with pride. Good luck.

frankly if someone came to my house, refused the food that I had cooked for them, and sat in the corner with 'their own' food like a spoilt child, I would not be inviting them again. If someone has to make their food preferences a topic of conversation then they need to grow up a bit.